My wife left me yesterday...

[brun]

In December 2006 I had something of a breakdown, and I told my wife I wanted a divorce. She was very sad, but she accepted it though she didn't want it. In mid-2007 I finally came around and found myself. I told her I didn't want to divorce her but she said she wanted a divorce.

I spent half of 2007 trying to talk her around but to no avail, and then yesterday she left me. I feel lost and am not sure what to do. I love her so much that I am scared of not sharing my life with her. We get on so well together and have been through so much together (we've been married 6 years) I am unsure what I should do.

I don't know whether I should keep trying to talk to her or to give her time. I wrote her a letter the night before she left but she said she's lost it. I am confused and very hurt :(

[lonelylass]

Hi Brun,

Can you explain to us why you wanted a divorce in the first place and what has hapenned in between then and now in a bit more detail?

I would suggest (not knowing all the circumstances mind you) that you try to give her a bit of space. Telling her you want a divorce must have come as a shock to her and maybe she has been questioning your love for her ever since and can't cope with hurt you have caused by saying that.

Take stock of everything and see if there is something you have missed.

LoLa x

[brun]

I thought I was unhappy. It came shortly after my father's death (who I was very close to) and it was at Christmas time 2006. I just went mad. I totally lost my mind. I wasn't nasty about it, but I shouldn't have said it.

She carried on living with me until this week. She told me she'd found a flat, and she moved out. I feel crushed and empty. I cannot say I don't deserve it, because I do, but no matter what I tell her, it does no good.

I think deep down she does love me still. She shared a bed with me until she moved out (though we didn't have sex) and she hasn't taken everything -- though she says she'll come back for the rest. I want ot show her that I have changed. I invited her out to the cinema on Tuesday, but she declined. Tomorrow I was going to go to an exhibition and, whilst there, invite her to join me. But I think she'll decline. I don't know whether to leave her alone or whether to keep trying to show her that I am the guy she fell in love with and not the silly kid who lost his mind in 2006 :(

[lonelylass]

Brun,

Firstly, you are not a silly kid, depression is very hard for others who haven't had experience of it to understand (and my soon to be ex husband is one). It takes over your mind, you can't think straight and the world is against you. I take it you have now recovered? I would also say that given you recent circumstances that if you feel any sign that you are going down again you go straight to your GP.

You could try counselling, either together or, to start, you on your own. It may help you overcome your grieving, which has now been doubled.

Try if you can, to ease off on the invites and contact. Keep it just enough to let her know you are missing her without being too 'desperate'.
Maybe just the odd call to say how you doing? Missing you.?

Keep us posted, it's very quiet on here this weekend, but I'm sure things will pick up once the BH is over!!

LoLa x

[troxman]

Brun,

My wife's been gone about 17 days now. At first she asked for space, everyone told me, my friends, alot of people on this site, even her mom told me to respect her need for space and back off. For me, it seems to have been the wrong move, she ended up telling me that I didnt even fight for her. Now she wants separation not space and has taken her ring off and is hanging out with her devorced friends all the time and doing a pretty good job of avoiding me all together. Somehow she's been able to put our lives aside and started living a new one. Anyway its just so hard to say what the right thing to do is!! I wish you the best I know how hard this is for you, it feels like somebodys sitting on you chest pushing all the air out. Just know that your not alone, and this sites full of people going though hard times just like you. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Trox

[brun]

It's scary.

On one hand you don't want to push too much because you might push her away and do more damage. On the other hand, I don't want her to think I have stopped caring. I think I'll go to the exhibition tomorrow alone, and then again alone on Tuesday and then on Wednesday I will call her and tell her I went but missed her and so on and invite her to another film.

What I hope she doesn't do is come here while I am gone and take the rest of her stuff. That would be a pretty brutal blow.

It's hard to know what the right move is :(

[brun]

Things were fine until I told her I wanted a divorce. Then she was very sad. I know exactly how she felt, because I feel the same way now. Nah, her behaviour didn't change.

I can't believe she's not coming back :(

[SadBill]

Things were fine until I told her I wanted a divorce. Then she was very sad. I know exactly how she felt, because I feel the same way now. Nah, her behaviour didn't change.

I can't believe she's not coming back :(

Brun, the first thing that comes to mind is that you seem to be as mixed up as your wife, if not more. It was you who commenced this course of action am I correct?

You need to sit down and figure out EXACTLY what YOU want. Then you need to talk to your wife and explain that (and I kind of dont think that you want a divorce) you have done/said certain things for a reason... that you were/are depressed etc... And then you need to win her back if thats possible.
Talking to her is your first starting point. I wish you the all best.
God Bless you,
Bill

[lonelylass]

I agree with the boys Brun, how are you doing at the moment? Have you heard from her?

LoLa x

[brun]

Can you believe I'm writing this for the 4th time?! The previous three times the forum has eaten my reply. I'm patient however, though this time I am writing it in notepad for cut and paste.

So, here we go again...

She came around on Monday to pick up more of her things. I was pleasant to her, and we seemed to be doing just fine. We shared a joke. I offered to help her, without seeming eager, I offered to make her some food, let her use the internet as long as she wanted and even offered to let her stay the night. She declined on the latter but again everything was fine UNTIL she came to leave. Then she became cooler towards me, and spoke to me a little more sharply. Nothing nasty, just...sharp.

I didn't manage to do anything I had planned. My sleeping pattern has gone to the Devil and I've been tired most of the day and sleeping. I had hoped I would go to the exhibition, then the cinema and then invite her to the theatre. The reason for this is a bit complicated, but I shall explain:

When I used to work in the city, I would be exhausted when I came home and so would not be keen on going to see a movie. I sometimes worked from 7am till 5:30pm and I really was tired. I often did not show enthusiasm to go out, and sometimes I wrangled out of it causing her to stay home (I remember on one occasion she was most upset). Eventually, she decided to go out on her own. I'd often suggested she should, but she said she wanted to go out with me. That was the first nail. We used to do everything together and now we were doing things seperate. It didn't help that then I became depressed and just didn't want to go out.

So I wanted to go out this week on my own to show her that I was back to my old self. Then I would invite her to join me. The problem is I never managed to get outside so now it seems a bit odd to me to call her and invite her out when I might not go out myself till Friday. She would take it not as me changing, but as a cheap way of me trying to win her back. So now I feel I need to wait another week, but the problem with that is she might be around on Saturday to pick up more stuff and once she takes everything I really am afraid I won't see her again.

Things weren't helped this morning when I broke down, called her, and told her I loved her and missed her. I hung up before she could answer but I don't think that was a wise move.

I have kept in touch with her this week through email (or rather I wrote to her). I've tried to be useful though. I've done some image editing on her photos, offered to treat any pictures she wanted treating, offered to create her a blog picture and so on. I am just trying to show her I am back to my old self and showing a keen interest in her.

I know, I know. I should have done all this the minute she said she wanted seperation. I am an idiot. I thought things would right themselves. I should have made the effort sooner. It wasn't through anything other than naivity that I didn't however. We still lived together and I thought she'd change. I didn't think she would actually go. I'm so stupid. I just let things be and expected things to go back to as they were.

I am pulling out everything to show her I really do love her and that this isn't just me being afraid of being alone. I'm doing a lot of stuff, making stuff, for her. In the end, I might even show her this thread. I just want to try everything (that is legal at least) because I know that I can find another girlfriend, but I don't think anyone will be as right for me as my wife is. I know that is romanticism, but really her and I really are a team. If she keeps refusing after I've exhausted everything then I'll have no choice but to move on. I don't want to, I'll be heartbroken but I'll move on.

I really don't want her to come around on Saturday or Sunday for her stuff. I don't think I can ask her not to however.

[brun]

I know you're limited in the advice you can give, but do you think I should ask her out on Saturday anyway?

[lonelylass]

Hi Brun,

I wouldn't, I think at the moment you both need time and you will only be heading for another knock back.

I know it's hard, but ease back a bit, I know you are desperate to show her how much she means to you, but if you inundate her with gifts, attention and invites it may make her feel overwhelmed.

As I said before, the occassional email asking how sh'es coping and telling her how much you miss her is fine for now, the old saying absence makes the heart grow fonder...................

Legally, you cannot stop her removing anything that is 'personally' hers, ie clothing, gifts, things she has bought with her own money etc. But you can stop her removing anything that was bought with joint marital funds, ie TV, furniture etc, that sort of thing.

I'm not sure how far down the line she is in her head, but she has had a year or so to think about this, so she may be prepared as to what she needs to do next if she is serious that this is over. Just a warning Brum, as it hapenned to me within a fortnight of my H leaving he was telling me he wanted the house sold from over my head...........as I say, she has had time to plan this, just to prepare you for worst case senerio. But it's early days.

Lola x

[brun]

I certainly wouldn't try and stop her. I'd just rather she left it be for a week or two.

As for the house. She legally has no power over that, and I know this sounds a bit odd, especially since it's happened to you, but she's really not that type of person. As for the joint stuff, that's probably not a problem either. Maybe a few disputes will arise, but nothing major.

I'm sorry to hear about what happened with you, but thank you for your advice. I will keep you posted.

[lonelylass]

Hi Brun,

Glad you know where you stand, it's quite a shock when they turn round and want the home too!!

It's very early days as I say to be talking legal stuff, but it does no harm to be prepared, in my case things turned very quickly and unexpectedly, but he had a hidden agenda. Luckily I have a good friend who works at a solicitors and she 'knew' what was coming and prepared me in advance, though it is still too much to deal with when emotionally you are crashing.

Just out of curiosity, what makes you so sure she has no power over it, you are married after all? You don't have to answer that, I'm curious as my understanding is regardless of who inherited it/pays for it/name is on the deeds, if you are married you are entitled to half?

LoLa x:confused:

[brun]

The house is owned by my parents. We simply lived there while we looked for something else. It's a bit complicated, but we never managed to move out due to various reasons (far too many to list lol). The way I understand it, she's entitled to half I own, but since the house is owned by someone else neither one of is entitled to it.

[lonelylass]

Hi Brun,

I see, that's what I thought 50/50 in some respects you're lucky in that respect.

Aside from that how are you doing? Have you been in contact with her or has she contacted you?

It's very hard I know, but try and take care of yourself.

LoLa x

[brun]

Nah, she's not been in touch apart from Monday. I called her once more to tell her she had mail delivered here (I don't know her new address so I cannot post it to her). I suspect she'll be around tomorrow to pick it up, and probably take some more stuff with her.

I've refrained from anymore contact though. I guess I need to get used to it.

[lonelylass]

Hi Brun,

Has she said why she won'y give you her new address? Hate to say this but that is one of the signs of an affair, hope I'm wrong for you sake, but it's a classic.

Well done for refraining from contact, maybe in time absense will make the heart go fonder. Meantime, keep posting and enjoy the weekend.

LoLa x

[brun]

The weird thing is I have said to her that if she found someone else she should just tell me. I asked her several times if she had another person. If she'd have said "Yes" then it would've stung, but at least I'd know there is no chance.

She's stated openly that she is aware she is free to do what she likes since we're no longer "married" but that she has no one.

I guess we'll see...If she has another lover then so be it. At least I'll know where I stand then.

[brun]

Well it's 6pm. She won't come now. Not heard a peep from her since Thursday (when I rang about the mail). I must admit, I'm on a downer right now, but I'm trying to not think about it.

Knowing my luck, she'll come tomorrow. We're expecting guests which means she'll show up with a suitcase and I'll be in an awkward position of being asked questions.

If she is having an affair, I wish she'd just bloody tell me.

OK, it's 5:48pm :p Sue me for 12 minutes!

[Dee73]

Hi Brun

I am in a similar position to yourself, my partner is currently staying with his parents as he is unsure what to do about our relationship. Although we're not married, we've been together for 12 years so it doesn't make it any less painful. He keeps telling me he cares for me and the usual stuff, but I am in a state of limbo. I have spoken to him a couple of times, but i am trying to give him space, i know they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, mine certainly is, so much so i can't bear it. But you've got to keep going or at least try to. Hope everything turns out OK. I've found this site really helpful and loads of people on here really do care.

Take care

Dee :)

[lonelylass]

Hi Brun,

My H used to turn up for bits and pieces, usually gave me half hour warning. I have now found the easiest way to deal with it is to give a time and date and stick to it. That way you are not left wondering if and when she will turn up.

After all, this is your home now, she has left so she can't come and go as she pleases, particularly as she has no hold over the property.

Just a thought, it may make things a little easier, it will also give you time to think about what you want to say or ask, prepare yourself if you know what I mean.

Take Care,

LoLa x

[brun]

I cracked again.

I'd not heard from her since Thursday, so yesterday (Sunday) I called her. I tried to keep it all small talk. Ask her how her weekend was and so on, but I couldn't hold it in and I told her I loved her and missed her.

She put the phone down.

I called her back awhile later. I was a little intoxicated at this point (more due to Manchester United winning the league :o ) and asked her how her mum was (we'd had an incident with her a few days previous. Nothing to do with our situation). Then I asked her if she had someone else in her life.

She said she didn't, but was a free person and that we haven't been married since 2006 and that she's no longer my wife. The call ended mutally, I think.

Then I called her back again (I know, bad) and told her my feelings were true and that she should respect them. She laughed at me. I told her I loved her and missed her and then I put the phone down.

I'm not dealing well with this. We were a team, and I just feel lost. She's been the only thing I've ever known and it's so hard to come to terms that it is over. I get cold thinking of another man with his hands all over her, and I just cannot understand why she can't give me another chance. I'm angry at myself because I started all this.

[troxman]

Damn Brun I feel ya, my wife left about a month ago and just yesterday decided to completely call it quits. She left because we got lazy and ended up drifting apart. I didnt show her the love she needed and she finally said we needed space which turned into separation and now she wants to end it completely. I miss her so much, shes all I can think about and EVERYTHING reminds me of the memories we made. She's my life and I know I need to move on but its so damn hard. Its nice to hear im not the only one!! We just need to figure out how to move on, its so much easier said than done isnt it!! Oh yea and the thought of anther man touching my x ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh that kills me, seriously I dont know if I can handle this!!!

Good luck with your situation........ I feel your pain man.........movin on's a bitc#!!!

Adam

[brun]

Nothing has really happened since.

She came around last weekend to collect more stuff. Things went well, but as the week has gone on I've found myself coming to terms with it all.

I think perhaps me chasing her is folly and unwise. To begin with what is to say I am to not have the same issues as before? We did have a lot of arguments and neither one of us is blameless. Perhaps before I go trying to mend a relationship, I should worry more about my own life. My career is important and is coming to a crucial phase where distractions could mean the difference between success and failure. Furthermore, perhaps I need to re-examine my own failings and work on them.

I've asked her to not visit this weekend. She asked for an explanation, and I said I wanted to be given some time. She's got a lot of stuff so it's not as if she is desperate for anything. I'm asking her rather than ordering (which I can't do) so we'll see. I get the feeling she'll come anyway.

[brun]

I've given things thought, like I said I would, and...I still want her back lol :(

We just felt so right together, and I miss her. She took some of our photos when she came over last time and I hoped it would maybe cause her to reflect but nothing so far. In fact, she's doing a fabulous job of casting me out of her life.

I made her a flash movie and sent it to her. I was hoping I'd get some response, but nothing.

I couldn't be more down :(

[brun]

She's made no effort to contact me at all since she left. I've been the one calling her, and it does sting me a bit that she'll just turn up with a suitcase on a given weekend and collect more of her stuff without word or warning.

Am I right in that I should expect at least a little notice?

[brun]

Time for a small update.

As I mentioned she's been very distant to me. I've done all sorts to try and win her back. I got nothing. No messages. No emails. Nothing. Anyway yesterday I commented on her blog. Just a general comment. She texted me to say she didn't want me to tell her compliments. She said I could respond to her blog, but that she didn't want compliments as she received enough all ready.

We got into a bit of a text argument and she was pretty cold. Kept repeating how happy she was without me etc.

I've officially given up. I try not to think about the memories we shared because it hurts but I think she's handled this very selfishly. When she next comes around I'll ask for her keys to the house back.

Furthermore, if we get a divroce then she's entitled to half of what I own, correct? But aren't I entitled to half of what she owns too? After all, she's the working one (I'm in the middle of projects atm)

[lonelylass]

Hi Brun,

All depends on the circumstances, get some bona-fide legal advise.

Take your time though, you really need to come to terms with things before you start dealing with all that it makes it easier to cope with.

LoLa x