I messed up

[homeafloat]

i'm 34 and met my husband when i was 17. We fell in love and married at 21 so have been married for 13 years. We have two fantastic little boys aged 6 and 3. When our youngest was just 1 my husband started suffering with severe depression. He wouldn't get help initially but after a while he did and we started working through things together....I became emotionally drained. I started confiding in a friend of his and he bacame a tower of strenght. He started flirting with me and then gradually tried to win me over. I constantly backed away from him. My husband and I started arguing alot and one night after a really bad argument I stormed off, had a few drinks and sought comfort with his friend...one thing led to another... and i later went round to see him on about 6 more occassions. Two weeks after this happened my husband left me (he was unaware of what i'd done). I finished things with his friend as i felt so ashamed of myself and knew i still loved my husband and the my husband still loved me, but i also knew that if we were to have any chance of a future i had to come clean about what i'd done so i told him. He was devasted...gutted...i broke his heart. This was 9 months ago. We have been trying to sort things out since then although we havn't been living together. We have been in an intimate relationship on and off but a couple of weeks ago my husband told me he just couldn't get his head around what i'd done and that as much as he still loved me we were going around in circles and he just couldn't cope anymore and we would have to move forward with our lives seperatly. I cant ....I love him so much..and would do anything to turn the clocks back but i know i cant. Last week he told me was taking a women out for a meal....and that i really needed to move on with my life....I cant...I know he still loves me....I keep phoning him..texting him...apologising....i dont know what else to do....we tried councelling once but he refused to go back again. My friends say he may need to go out with this women to get it out of his system....almost as if to put us level pegging....but he keeps saying i have to move on.....I cant and dont know if i should stop trying......someone please help me....i messed up big time but just cant be without him.

[val100]

yes you can and sadly you must.
Same thing happened to me and I have lost my Husband and my home.
Life goes on love and you need to grieve and accepted that you messed up and his friend took advantage of you when you were vulnerable.

I 100% understand where you are and I feel for you. Feel free to read my thread in coffeeshop chat.
This will be a roller coaster for a while and you will have to learn to accept that yur mistake has cost you your marriage. Give him space and time may be in a few years you two will fix it. What ever else you must do you must back off and leave him alone. !2 months on I have a new life and I am somewhat happy. Today I miss him so much I just want to curl up in his arms. I will be seeing him later it won't hapen.
I am 34 with 4 kids on my own it isn't that bad honestly.
Keep posting, I understand and feel for you

[Raymond]

His trust of you was broken HF made more difficult because of it being through a friend of his. This must have been devastating. However people have been forgiven these things where there is a right attitude and repentance from the offended party but that will differ in every marriage depending on the circumstances. He is probably having difficulty in being able to trust you again. Its the quickest thing to break but the longest to repair. If he hasn't managed in nine months you can see how difficult it is. He may be trying to get back at you by taking a women out but this just makes it more complicated. It will not help in the long run and could alienate you making things worse. It is really up to you to regain his trust gradually in whatever way you think is appropriate. If he wants to stay married to you he must be able to forgive which is another difficult step but it can be done. It is not a feeling but a decision that needs to be repeated over time until he gets there.

Raymond