Husband has left

[tiredmol]

My husband has left me after 20 years of marriage.

We've had a pretty rough time lately. We have legal problems with our house which is preventing us from selling it to reduce our mortgage. This has been ongoing for the last 2 years & has caused a lot of stress.

My health has suffered on & off for a few years & in March I was finally diagnosed with fibromyalgia.

I have no mum, no sisters, & very few friends & I've really needed a shoulder to cry on recently. Unfortunately, my husband didn't provide that.

He thinks the main cause of our troubles is sex - he's just too demanding & watches internet porn on a daily basis, & then tries to instruct me on how to copy what he sees. He also prints off instructions on how to perform certain sexual acts so that I can learn. How degrading can you get?

If only he realised, that if he stopped all this & became a genuine person he would get all the love & sex he could wish for. There's no way I'm going to perform being compared to someone else.

Anyway, he's gone & got himself a flat just like that, & really left me in the lurch. There's been no communication from him at all.

I just don't know where I stand with him, & to top it all I'm having to deal with this fibromyalgia single handed.

I just wish I had someone to talk to.

P.S. I think he has posted on this site recently, & from what I gather he's been planning to leave me for some time...:(

[Raymond]

Hi TM. Sorry you are going through a hard time. The real problem is your husbands porn. It is a kind of mental adultery that is bound to affect the intimacy in your marriage. It will affect his mind in a detrimental way. It seems like he is using you as some kind of object. In a way you are better of that he left as you will not have to suffer the degradation he is putting you through. It is very sad but porn can do that to a marriage. Maybe there is something better for you up the road.

What is fibromyalgia? I have never heard of that.

Raymond

[Micou]

Hi TM,

You've come to the right place. You'll find a lot of broad shoulders for you to cry on here. There are some incredible people on here, many of whom have helped me get through my own personal hell. There were times where I didn't know how I would get through the next 24 hours and there was always someone to, metaphorically speaking, hold my hand and get me through. I call them my web angels :)

I am sorry to hear about your husband's behaviour. There is absolutely no justification for that, especially if he has failed to communicate his needs to you adequately. There are ways to share our feelings and degrading our partner and walking out on them is not the way.

It always amazes me just how easily "for better and for worse" goes flying out the window when life gets real sticky. It would be nice to think that when the going gets tough, that we would unite even more together and stand by each other through it all, but sadly so many feel that when life gets tough that it is the perfect time to bail out.

How long has he been gone now? Do you feel that you are strong enough to make the first step to communicate with him, or do you feel it best to allow him to contact you when he feels ready?

Keep posting, TM.

[lonelylass]

Hi TM,

I have looked up your condition on the internet and its sounds very debilitating. I too have a long term medical condition which makes life very hard without the help of a partner, but I have great friends and neighbours who help me whenever they can.

I know things are still raw for you, but would you feel able to join a local community group or maybe volunteer locally for something to get you out and meeting people? Maybe there is a local group for people with your condition that you can join, there is for mine.

My H (now separated and going through divorce) also watched porn on the internet and I too found it degrading and almost perverse, the internet is a wonderful tool, but I do wonder sometimes whether it is also a doer of evil with regards to relationships.

Personally, I think you are better off without this man as it seems he has been trying to turn you into someone you are not happy to be. I find that insulting. At some point, as Micou says, you will have to have some contact to sort out where you both go from here, but for now, I would suggest taking your time to adjust and try and get a social circle around you for some support.

LoLa x