is there any hope?

[pip]

For starters my wife and I have been together for 8 years. We were married in oct of 06. we met in college, she moved away and went to post grad school 3000 miles away. We kept the relationship going for over a year by talking frequently and i occasionally visited. when i graduated i moved out to be with her. We were both away from all family for 3-4 years. when she graduated we took 5 weeks and drove back across the country stopping and seeing the sights and family and friends. i had asked her to marry me the last night before we left with all of our friends. We got home bought a house, moved in and proceeded to get on with life. Long story short just after our one year anniversary my job took me out of town 5 days a week. i went kicking and screaming but knew i had to pay the bills. She finally started working. I have been working out of town now for 5 months. during this time she has bought the business that she was in and become the boss. I have tried to be there for her thru this but have found myself miserable at work far away and this has played an adverse effect on the relationship. she says she has been feeling us growing apart for a while and for the last month has felt loveless and had no emotion. This past weekend she leveled me by sitting me down and telling me how she was feeling for the first time. She says she is confused and needs space and no pressure from the marriage right now due to the business and feeling tied down from this. over the past month or so we have grown apart and had been talking less and less. She also says she wants to take a break to sort out her feelings. she is a very independent woman and i love that about her, but i have come to realize that this she has been spending moreand more time at the bar and hanging out with "friends". one in particular is the bartender who is part owner. my wife and him have been texting and talking nonstop for weeks. I need to figure out how we put things back together. i trust her but don't know him all that well and feel betrayed which is making it hard to have clear concise thoughts. HELP!! I am in crisis mode and she doesn't want to talk. she said she still loves me but doesn't feel like she is romantically in love with me anymore. what can i do

[Raymond]

The drastic solution if she will take it is for you to move nearer your job and for her to give up hers and seek opportunities where you are. I don't think there is anything wrong in a woman having a career but I don't think it is up to you to adjust your life to that rather the other way round. My word is to for her to give up her job and put her marriage first. You have both grown apart through the way the careers are going. I don't see any other way around it. How much does she value her marriage or does she put her career first? Seems like you really need to talk about this with her.

Raymond

[pip]

thsi is definitely not going to be the solution as she is a chiropractor and we as a team have been working towards her buying the doctors office she has worked in for two years. she has invested 8 years in school and is almost 500000in debt with student loans and the purchase. i am in construction and do not own my business, therfore i am having to go where the work is. my job is probably temporary right now because of a merger between companies which means i will be able to be back home more within a couple of weeks.

[Raymond]

I get the picture Pip. Okay so it looks like everything has to adjust to her career. If that is your decision and it sounds quite reasonable, it looks like you will be able to make adjustments if you want to share your lives as a married couple. What is being thrown up are business pressures on her side which you will have to learn to work out together. If she is under so much pressure there could be scope for a sort of role reversal here, but not in the wrong way. You need to hang on to some sort of work independence, but not so much that you hardly see her. Something has to give and it doesn't seem like it's going to be her career which you will benefit from as well. I think the best thing you can do at the moment is to give her the space she needs re: growing the business. It matters what is in her head. Is it just the one practice that she can establish and then settle down in a measure or is there more? There can be difficulties when the wife has the career so you really need to adjust to ideas that are different from normal.

It does look like you have grown apart because of you being out of town all week, but that can be changed? You need to get back in there. Her loneliness is obviously making her vulnerable to this bartender, so you really need to be there for her without pressuring her. She says she is going to have a break to think about things, so you need a plan with regard to a different way of doing things like getting a job that doesn't take you away too much. As I said if you have chosen her to have that career then the adjustments have to come from you workwise to make the marriage work. It can be done with a bit of imagination, but it's a fact that most career women have relationship problems, but it doesn't have to be that way with you. Oh and get her away from that bar if you can.

Raymond

[pip]

it is just the one business and it was established when she bought it, however she is finally the owner and is growing into the role. Here is the last couple of correspondences that i have had with her.
"I think going to the concert sounds great, I'd love for us to do that together. I do not have a preference on seats vs. lawn....lawn may be just fine to relax. As far as the job goes, I hope things do work out for everyone there, I just feel like it's too soon for me to tell what might work for us. You know what we talked about and I just need as little pressure as possible for right now. I think you need to come back to this area as well, for your own sake. I think you're denying the fact that you have been miserable down there and that has played a role in our marriage too.
Keep me updated on things. I can't tell the future, just one step at a time."
my response was as follows:
Ok tickets are ordered and being snail mailed to the house. As for what is
going on with charleston homes I am still not sure. what i do know is that
scott mccrary is closing down charleston homes and part of ccdg. steve john, &
stephanie's last day is today. huff, christie and I are still on board until
they figure out what to do with jackeys creek. Not sure if this is temporary
or not but I do know that all I have to do down here is finish the houses that
are standing, with the help of huff which should not take too long. I agree
with your statement about me being miserable down here and denying it, and I
know that it has adversly affected our marriage, but with the parade of homes
judging done this means smooth sailing from here which means I may only be down
here 3 days a week from next week on until we are done. I have talked to huff
about taking monday off and was wondering if you have someone picking you up. If so no problem but i will be there if you need me.
love

she followed up with this email:

Thanks for getting the tickets. I'm excited to go with you!

Here's the deal with next week....I was hoping to fly in and hangout with friends for cinco de mayo. Kinda already had planned how I was getting home from the airport. I really was hoping to have some time away from things, as I said yesterday, and don't want to go back on that. I'm sorry about things going on at work, but that's not really my fault. If I don't follow thru with what I said, how am I ever going to figure out my thoughts? I really think 2 weeks is a good plan, but we were talking 6-8 weeks which sounded great too. Do I need to make arrangements to stay elsewhere? I just feel like you are not respecting anything I talked about this weekend, and this frustrates me. Please just sit back and let me come to you in time. I never said this was permanent, but I just need a timeout.

i did not respond to this email until today but i had sent flowers yesterday with no card, because i did not want to push her away. She emailed me yesterday and said:

Hey,

I just got some pretty flowers today with no card and figured they came from you. Thank you very much, if they did, the whole office smells nice now! Hope you are having a great day.


Love,
H

i did not respond to this email as it put a smile on my face for the first time in days and finally i was able to sleep almost all night without waking up in a panic. i finally responded this morning with a short email saying that i had sent her the flowers and i was glad she liked them. as for finding somewhere to stay, i told her not to worry about doing that, b/c i had made other plans.

She left todayfor chicago until monday and my only relief is that she will not be sitting at the bar with the bartender, however i am sure she will call or text him the whole time. i know that i will not hear from her and dont expect to. I am not sure where this leaves me . hopefully the trip will be good for her. As for me i am unsure how to proceed. Any thoughts

[Raymond]

Sounds like you could have a three day week and would be able to see plenty of your wife, but this has been complicated by the fact that she wants this time to think. It is hard to know what is going on with her. She is friendly on the one hand but then she needs this time away to think. One feels it should have been straight forward with you able to have more time with her and having respect to her work, but there seems to be something else going on something to be worked out. Time will tell. I hope I have read it right? She obviously needs a bit of space to think, but if this goes on too long it is a bad sign. She acknowledges that you working away has affected your relationship with her which is good, but there is still a bit of mixture in there which will pan out soon I hope.

You are doing everything right pip and could not be any better. I really hope she sorts herself out. Let us know what is happening. The main hurdle is this thinking time. Business thinking or marriage thinking?

Raymond

[pip]

she called me last night because i had asked her tolet me know that she got to chicago safely. we talked for about five minutes, and during the conversation she said thank you again for the flowers. i responded by saying that i thought it would brighten her day. she then went on to say that it did not change anything, and the inflection in her voice was that of anger almost. i let her know that i might be going home today to gather a few things for next week. she said her mother was looking after the cats over the weekend. the conversation was cordial and ended with her telling me she loved me and i told her to have a good trip and i loved her too. it tore me up to hear the anger in her voice because i don't feel it is deserved.
on another note she asked me not to involve parents right now so as not to blow things out of proportion but without their support i am not sure this will turn out for the best. I have spoken with her dad and let him know that there is something going on and asked for his help from the business aspect of things. he has set up a meeting with her for thursday of next week to just sit down and talk to her. i trust that he will not let her know that i have done this. hopefully he can shed some light on issues that i may not be aware of. in the meantime i will try to keep my head up, be proactive and look introspectively at myself to try to figure out what it is that i really want.

[Raymond]

You are getting dual signals pip it seems. I wonder if an emotional attachment has happened with this bartender? Maybe not, but she sounds confused and not revealing much. I hope I am wrong. Something has got in to muddy the waters I feel which is making her double minded. You are prepared to adapt and fix the past so that you can be together more but she has to play ball as well if the marriage is going to prosper. Don't get too introspective. I can't see that there is anything you have done wrong. I can imagine her anger being guilt because you are being nice to her. Again I hope I am wrong. It's as if you have to win her all over again. Something is going to happen in the future to settle all this. I hope she comes out right but there is a question mark at the moment in my mind.

Raymond

[pip]

i came home today to get some things. talked to the neighbor and he told me that he has seen the bartender leaving my house with her in the morning.

[Raymond]

And she was supposed to be in Chicago and all the time she had this bartender with her even while talking with you? No wonder she was feeling guilty thanking you for flowers while she is with him. I hope I am wrong but it looks even worse than I thought. Is there an explanation to this? Hasn't she been lying to you? Tell me I am wrong but that is what it looks like reading between the lines. My opinion is dropping the more I hear about her.

Raymond

[pip]

no she is in chicago. this happened before she left and the week before she sat me down to drop the bomb on me

[Raymond]

Whew! Not so bad as it seemed. Nevertheless what was the bartender doing leaving your house with her early that morning? That looks mighty suspicious. Does he run a bar she goes to or is he part of her business?
Are you sure it was him? Sorry for the questions but we need to establish what is going on with him if anything.

I would take a guess that this has everything to do with her thinking time and sorting out what she is going to do. I believe it is time for you to hope for the best but be ready for the worse. We are hoping that there are good explanations for all these things, but on the other hand maybe there isn't.

You sound a good regular guy and you shouldn't have to have all this.

I really hope it does work out but I have heard enough to have a few doubts.

Raymond

[pip]

he is part owner of the bar that we have been hanging out at together for a couple of years and she just recently got to know himn well. i am positive that it was him because my next door neighbor wrote down the license tag number and i had a friend check out the registration thru the authorities. i have prepared myseof for the worst. she does not know that i know this stuff which gives me the upper hand in the matter, whatever that means. she obviously does not know the consequences of her actions (or does nopt care). either way it goes down, now it is my turn to sit back in the drivers seat and see what it isw that i really want, with or without her.....

[Raymond]

It does look as if she is being unfaithful to you pip. You were prepared to make all these adjustments. Now it seems as if this Barman is making out with your wife and she is letting it happen.

As you say you know more about it than she thinks you know, but it is not a very nice thing to know. I don't know how far it has gone but if it has gone to the physical level then that would be very serious. Adultery in fact. We don't know that for sure. The only hope I have is that it is on a companionship level because you were away so much and that it would be sorted out in this thinking time in Chicago. That is just thinking the best. At least you sound ready for the worse if necessary but that doesn't make it easy to swallow. We shall have to see if these things are confirmed or not.

Raymond

[pip]

i found an email that confirms that it has gotten physical. i am having a hard time dealing with the pain. i am heartbroken as i felt as if we were soulmates. I never thought in a million years that my best friend could induce such pain and anguish and really feel no remorse. my next step this week is get her out of my house, so that i can protect myself and my interests. i will be speaking with a lawyer sometime this week as well to figure out the legal issues involved. it is total apparent that she is going thru life and not thinking of any of the consequences of her actions.
this is the email i found.

KB!!!! What's up girl! So sorry I've been so evasive lately. I'm actually in Chicago right now at an ART seminar. Things are ridiculously crazy. I have not seen Jason since last Sunday and have only talked to him twice this week. I have so got to catch you up on things right now. My life is in such chaos!!! There's someone else I've been seeing and I've just lost everything I thought I had with Jason. He's been working 2 hours away for the last 5 months and was not here when I bought the business and I really feel like I've changed and my priorities have changed.

Anyways, we really need to talk on the phone so I can explain everything. I don't really know what else to do right now. I'm in Chicago staying with a girlfriend of mine that I met at the last ART seminar in October. She's helped play devil's advocate for me and just sort some things out, but I really need to talk to you to get more perspective.

Hope you're doing well and I'll call you when I'm back in town.

Love ya!!!!
Heath

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Dr. Downtown (http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vcHJvZmlsZS5teXNwYWNlLmNvbS9pbmRleC5jZm 0/ZnVzZWFjdGlvbj11c2VyLnZpZXdwcm9maWxlJmZyaWVuZGlkPT EyMzc2NDAzMiZNeVRva2VuPTQzOGUxNDg2LWI2M2UtNGQ5Ni04 NGMyLTVlYWVhOGZkYzVmOA==)
Date: May 3, 2008 12:00 PM


Heath,
What the hell is going on girl? Can't wait to talk to you and catch up! Miss you. Call me when you have a chance to chat. I'm thinking about you and hope that you are doing well.
Love ya,


how do i proceed without making this thing final?????????????????

[pip]

here is an email that i found from her.

KB!!!! What's up girl! So sorry I've been so evasive lately. I'm actually in Chicago right now at an ART seminar. Things are ridiculously crazy. I have not seen Jason since last Sunday and have only talked to him twice this week. I have so got to catch you up on things right now. My life is in such chaos!!! There's someone else I've been seeing and I've just lost everything I thought I had with Jason. He's been working 2 hours away for the last 5 months and was not here when I bought the business and I really feel like I've changed and my priorities have changed.

Anyways, we really need to talk on the phone so I can explain everything. I don't really know what else to do right now. I'm in Chicago staying with a girlfriend of mine that I met at the last ART seminar in October. She's helped play devil's advocate for me and just sort some things out, but I really need to talk to you to get more perspective.

Hope you're doing well and I'll call you when I'm back in town.

Love ya!!!!
Heath

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Dr. Downtown (http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vcHJvZmlsZS5teXNwYWNlLmNvbS9pbmRleC5jZm 0/ZnVzZWFjdGlvbj11c2VyLnZpZXdwcm9maWxlJmZyaWVuZGlkPT EyMzc2NDAzMiZNeVRva2VuPTQzOGUxNDg2LWI2M2UtNGQ5Ni04 NGMyLTVlYWVhOGZkYzVmOA==)
Date: May 3, 2008 12:00 PM


Heath,
What the hell is going on girl? Can't wait to talk to you and catch up! Miss you. Call me when you have a chance to chat. I'm thinking about you and hope that you are doing well.
Love ya,





I have tried to remain calm and try to figure out things for myself. whetheror not i can ever trust her again, etc. unfortunately i am not sure she will see what she has done is wrong. is it worth moving forward even if she wants to rec`oncile down the road. some of the consequences she faces are, losing half the chiro business, losing her chiro liscense(he is a patient), and the support of a loving husband, as well as someone to pay all the living expenses. i have paid mortgage, bills, insurance(car and health) and most everthing else except for her student loans. she is obviously running from her problems adn paying no attention to the consequences of her actions.

the question i have is if i can ever trust her again, when she comes back around, if ever.

[Raymond]

The e mails are very revealing pip and confirm she is seeing someone else obviously the barman. It doesn't actually show that it has gotten physical but we can imagine that it has. The main thing is she is seeing him while she is married to you and has done the dirty on you, so it looks as if you worst fears are confirmed and that you cannot trust her. Maybe you are better of without her if this is the way she carries on.

I really hope you are able to sort all the legal things out and maybe you can get ahead of the game while she is unaware of you knowing. I hope in time that you will find someone more suitable and someone who will take the vows seriously.

Raymond

[pip]

i i am staying sane enough to know that i need to protect myself, but how do i go about coping with the pain of rejection and betrayal???? I am trying to stay busy but i can't keep my mind off of this. i have not been sleeping more than two hours a night and barely have an appetite. i have been running and working out to try to relieve some stress but that helps only temporarily.

[Raymond]

You are not the one who has done the wrong thing pip she has. She is obviously not the girl you thought she was and has betrayed you. It is a terrible thing to happen as adultery is very serious. Marriage should be a commitment for better or worse. This does not reflect on you. It reflects more on her for being unfaithful behind your back. There are women, and men, like that around who can hit you where you are most vulnerable in the intimate affairs of the heart. This has wounded you and you will be reeling from it because you gave her your heart and all that you were. You have to try and not get your self esteem from her. Because she has rejected you must not be the basis of your esteem. Because she has put the knife in your back doesn't mean you are a nobody and you know that deep down. This type can do it to anyone. You will need to heal from this and that will take time, but it will happen. You will survive even though now you don't see how you can. Keep keeping fit. A strong body will help although I know it is much deeper than that. You will have learned a lot from this situation, be more mature and unlikely to make a bad choice again. Go and see your relatives or friends and share with them about it. Don't be too proud to say what has happened. You need to express it to someone. There are plenty on here who have been through what you are going through albeit in a slightly different way. You will survive. I know you will. Not just physically survive but thrive. You wait and see. You are the innocent party in this.

Raymond