Confused - advice please.

[upsetandangry]

My husband and I have had big problems over the period of our 14 year marriage but there have been some good times but all the bad stuff leads back to depression (which he refuses to get help for ) and drink. I finally had enough in Feb and told him to leave ( see other post) but he then turned into this stepford husband and I relented a little - In the easter hols we went away as a family and it was great no pubs just alot of family time and calmness - a calm organised life is all I crave for me and our children. However we got back and he was back to pub every night and things blew up at the weekend - now my 10 year old will not speak to him and tells him to leave and I have told him to go- I still feel some sort of love ( we have been together for 18 years) but its not enough I look at him and before I have always hoped he would become the man I thought I could see in him (All I want is some respect, a quiet life that is centred on the family and to feel loved ) but suddenly I realise this is it and I can't be having the same problems in 10 years time I am only 35 (we met when I was 16)

So what do I do now - he threatens suicide without the kids although i have never told him he can't see the kids dailly if he wants and if he gets a house sorted then they can stay regularly and then says I'll never see him again if he can't have me he dosen't want the kids . I feel so confused and more upset at what we are doing to our children. Should I keep trying for their sake is a medeocar life (for me ) with 2 parents better than a single parent who is happy. I don't know anymore.

[val100]

I cannot answer whether you should fix your marriage or not. only you can decde that. We all want our children to grow up in a happy home with happy parens but sometimes that isn't possible.

Ican however give you my opinion on your Husbands behaviour.
Threatening to kill himself is emotional blackmail it is a form of abuse. You can neither stop him or make him take such an action tis is not just a cry for help this is a cowards way out to not fix his marriage, him threatening suicide is him being a bully and a coward, a coward because he is too scared to change his life.

Alcohol abuse leads to so many problems within a marriage ask your self is this a healthy envirnoment for your children .

Suicide is a very sad thing and people who go through with it are at the end of their emotional teather. I have lost a friend to suicide and i know so many families damaged by lossing a loved one to this disease. I believe it is a disease of the mind as it takes over and there is nothing positive happening in their heads to feel their life is worth while.
Your Hsband has it all and his drinking and depression can all be treated ask yourself this does he love his family and himself enough to stop this behaviour?

At the end of the day how he behaves is his choice the only choice you have is the one to make your life better. You are the same age as me and I believe we have to stop allowing ourselves be hurt or accepting our lot in life. If we have the potential to be happy and to want to then we owe it to ourselves to go after it.
Keep posting

[Raymond]

Val is right about the emotional blackmail. It is manipulation that you cannot surrender to. The main problem seems to be the drink and that is his problem although it has affected your marriage. Do you know why he drinks? Is there some underlying personal problem causing this? There is nothing wrong with a drink but there is in getting drunk and letting it affect your behaviour and the way you are. It is really up to him now.

Raymond

[upsetandangry]

He drinks because he is a depressed - he's either up or down there is no in between and I can no longer hold him up and the kids and keep myself going. For years off and on we have the same conversations - he will control his drinking ( don't get me wrong he doesn't drink morning noon and night but when he does he cannot control his behaviour) I give him the benefit of the doubt and then it all comes crashing down - I cannot go to family parties, work do's, we hardly ever go out as a couple with or with out anyone else because I never know what is going to happen - the odd occasion we have been out I have had to ask him not to drink - I shouldn't have to do that I want to be proud of my husband not living in fear of what he will do and say next.

We have no friends left as such as they don't want to go out as couples I know a friend was going to have a dinner party but changed her mind because she wasn't sure how he would be. I do not drink and never really have ( outcome of living with some one cannot control it) so we seem to have become two people who have 2 totally different views on life. When i try and discuss it I get the reply there a alot of people worse than me look in the papers!! He tells me he thinks about suicide daily but won't go and get any help and even convinced himself I was having an affair when I have done nothing for him to think that - I've not looked at anyone in the 18 years we have been together even when we split in 2005 for 6 months.

I feel like the life is being drained from me - a bit like living with a dementor from Harry Potter - and at the moment the only way I see I can be happy is on my own. He is a great Dad really hands on with the day to day stuff ( has had to be as I work fulltime as he has had a bad back) but even my daughters aged 7 and 10 want to know why he is so moody and he has said several things that have really upset the older one. I don't want to take the children away from him but I have to look out for me in all this - if I hit a brick wall everything crumbles (house, bills stability in the kids life) and I feel that what he wants me to be as miserable as he is !!

At the moment I look at him and see all the bad stuff that has happened and maybe if we split I could get some perspective on it all but he is all or nothing we are either together or not - he has even taken my wedding and engagment ring and won;t tell me where they are.

It sounds stupid but sometimes i wish there was a human third party involved rather than the drink and depression as it would make all of this alot easier. My wedding vows mean alot but I have to do what is right for my stability and the kids - I can't be reponsible for his actions I want a partner who makes me feel loved and cherished that I can reply on and that I am proud to be with not someone who is draining me slowly- is that wrong? I don;t know anymore.

[val100]

Feck it to all the violent and or controlling ones take the wedding and engagement rings?

Oh upset and angry you know all the answers already you need to put the facts too him you cannot live with his behaviour if he doesn't get help you cannot keep this marriage going.

Do you love thios man?

[Raymond]

A trial seperation might work for your healths sake and peace of mind. This is not divorce but it will get home to him that this cannot go on. He needs to get that help. Besides you need to protect your children from the atmosphere. This might affect them. It's not working as it is. People like him just have to be teetotal until they get complete victory over it. AA might help in this.

You must build yourself up and be able to take time away from it to get perspective as you say. Go and talk with friends or people in a live fellowship that can pray and find the solutions.

Raymond

[upsetandangry]

Okay so we sat down over the bank holiday and actually talked - I have the rings back - he was carrying them round in his wallet as a reminder.

The trouble is neither of us can face loosing a minute with the kids and he doesn't have anywhere to go apart from his parents which will not help the situation at all so we are changing a few things - the main being he is to stop drinking and we are going to counselling together to try and help him sort out his head. Also now his back is getting better he is going to get a job in the forseeable future to give him back some self respect and we are goingto spend more time together doing stuff together as a family and we are then going to see what happens. THis is not a sweep everything under the carpet but a try to sort things for the children who are the most important ones in all of this.

I'm not sure if I should just break the ties but when things are good they are really good and vice versa ( my family will think I've lost my mind but I have to give him this one last chance for the children if nothing else ) he understands that this may not be permanent and several times this week has said something along the lines of - if we don't work out I'll do this - there is alot of bridge building to be done especially with the children but we have sat down the eldest and told her that we are trying - if at the end of 2 or 3 months it is still bad then least he will be earning and will be able to get a suitable home.

[Raymond]

Sounds a bit more promising UA. It's good that he can now work. That will be a great help. Too much free time is not good with his problem. Hopefully the time you spend working on these things will yield some fruit. If the drink problem can be sorted that will be a massive step forward. I hope a way forward is worked out.

Raymond