He doesn't seem to notice me

[daisyroots]

Please help. I'm 31 years old and been married for 12 years. I just don't feel attracted to my husband anymore. He doesn't seem to noticed me and spends more time egrossed with his hobbies then spending time with me and our daughter. Our conversations and physical contact is none exsistant. When I triy to talk to him about it he puts it down to the fact he has lost his libido and that i'm just trying to stop him doing the things he loves. Should I leave him? Sometimes I feel I'm only in this relationship for the sake of our daughter, don't get me wrong she is the best thing to happen to me and I wouldn't change that for the world. But just recently I feel my life is going no where fast.

Please help.......

[troxman]

Hey Daisy,

My wife has just left me for similair reasons. She had too told me time and time again that I need to kiss her and pay more attention to her. Unfortunately it took her leaving for me to see what was really important to me. If you are forced to leave him because you need space to think mabye he will see that you are the most important person (you and your daughter that is) in his life and the hobies come way later. My wife's been gone for 10 days now and I cant tell you how much I have thought about things and have been able to put things back into prospective. I dont know about you but I think our problem is that we were'nt putting eachother first and our daily routine was lacking US time. I think if we can find time for our wife/husdband to do even simple things like take a walk together, have dinner, cuddle, or get away for the weekend, (just you too if possible) to reconnect then it may be possible to begin rebuilding that connection. As you begin to rebuild what you used to have intimacy and other great marriage stuff that you thought was gone will re-emerge. The only problem is your husdband needs to know how serious you are, that was my problem I thought she would never leave so I became content with what I had even though its not what I really wanted either. Good luck I wish you the best,

Trox

[912jws]

Hi Daisy,

Are you saying you are not attracted to your husband full stop or only because he does not seem to bother as I think there is a big difference as to what can be done.
If you still ARE attracted to him then just be honest to him in a nice way and say things need to change to improve your relationship.
I can't comment on this properly as I felt the same as you with my wife that I let it niggle away at me for a year before I said anything about it and not being happy, the sad thing is I loved her and still fancied her and it was me that wanted the kisses and cuddles and the spontanenity but unfortunately it was always me that initiated it, the one thing i have learnt over the last few months is not to leave things until its too late, I can say that now in hindsight.
Tell him how you feel and I hope he listens and you both want to sort things out.

All the best.

Jon

[Raymond]

Trox have you written to your wife or contacted her saying how you feel? With the way you are talking I think you can turn it round. Make sure you tell her how you feel. It will take humility but that's a virtue not a fault. It is just being honest with someone you love about where you are at right now.

Raymond

[troxman]

Raymond,

Yes, I delivered the letter to her 2 days ago to her parents house while she was out. I took my time writing it and did my best to explain what I am feeling, why I feel I acted the way I was acting, and some ideas of how we can move forward. Before I delivered the letter she had called me (yes called not texted) and let me know that if I would like to come over and pick up one of the dogs for company I could do so. I also took the oportunity to ask her how she was doing and finished with I love you, she replied with I love you to as well. That was great to actually hear her voice, I felt like we had progressed a little at that point seeing that she called and was willing to talk husdband and wife. After she read my letter she text me the following day with "gonna drop off a letter for you tomorrow." I decided to call her, I wanted to know whether she was coming in the morning or at night. I also asked what she thought of the letter I wrote, she said "It was a good letter." She also mentioned that she would bring hers by when im home at night. She just texted me this evening and said "hey gonna bring that letter by tomorrow. She did work from 9 - 8 tonight so I imagine she's very tired!

Hey also Raymond that book you referred me to is awesome, I can't thank you enough. I even ordered my wife the female edition. I think i'll wait a while to give it to her though, I dont want to scare her off. I could'nt stop reading it the other night, I think I read about 135 pages and I don't read much! GREAT STUFF :) For anybody that wants to read a book that just might save their marriage its called "The Five Languages of Love." Its only around 9 bucks.

Thanks again Raymond

[Raymond]

Hi Troxman. Thats good news. The book only works if that is the problem, but it's worth reading for anyone I think. What I would say is that when you are together again try and not forget the things you are learning. It's easy for things to go out the window again when things are alright again. I really hope it works out great between you two.

Raymond

[troxman]

Raymond,

My wife brought me a letter this morning while I was at work. She did this to avoid me and said she doesnt want to see me hurt. The letter said basically that my letter to her with ideas on how to move forward were to little to late, that I didnt even fight for her when she left, no flowers, cards or anything. She also said she's sick of telling me how to treat her, that she's happier at her moms house, that I gave up on the marriage a long time ago, and that she loves me but she's trying to figure out what kind of love it is.

Not so good. Everybody i've talked to has told me to give her space, don't push her further away. Even her mother stopped me from buying her flowers at one point. Im just so confused!! She asked for space I was just trying to respect her wishes, I would have liked nothing more than to do all those things and more. So So BUMED!

[Raymond]

Don't give up Troxman. Explain to her what you have just told me, that you wanted to give her attention and listened to wrong advice, (even about the flowers). She says you didn't fight for her. Well fight for her now. I believe things will be a lot better when you get back together. You must get through to her. I think you are a changed man now but you have to convince her that you are. Please don't give up. Don't crawl but don't give up. There are ways of doing this. You will be in her mind, but you have to change the picture she has of you in her mind. I know it's difficult. It seems like she warmed to you then remembered the past. You have to give her new memories of you. The battle is hard but it is worth it. She is your wife. Be nice to her mother if you can. You don't want a negative input from her. Everything we have talked about is about how to love her. That is what she has wanted, so use every opportunity you have to get it accross. You haven't been totally rejected yet. It is thinking time. Make sure it ends up positive. Get her some more flowers at the right time.

Raymond

[troxman]

Raymond,

I dont think I mentioned above that I had flowers for her the other night when she was supposed to come over with her letter. She unstead came over the next morning when I was at work. My point is that I had bought her flowers and I was at the point where I was going to start putting forth more effort and easing away from the whole space thing.

Today I went to her moms house while she was at work and brought 13 roses, we were maried on the 13th, I left her a note telling her that I was trying to respect the space thing before and that if she would have come over to give me the letter that night when she was supposed to she would have recieved roses. The letter explained that the advice that I got from everybody said to give her time and that the roses that im leaving her are in place of the roses she missed the other night not in response to her letter telling me that I wasnt fighting for her. I told her that I know she has been talking with her friends getting advice, so try not to hold it against me for asking my friends what to do. I noticed in her room at her moms there are about 6 new picture frames of all her girl friends, none of me. I think she still wears the ring though, didnt see it anywhere. I also left her a copy of the book you recomended, I told her that the book has helped me to learn about myself and to help me learn how to show my love to her more effectively. Its about 10:30 pm now and I've gotton no response from her. (wasnt really expecting any) I figure from this point on I will do little things here and there to really make her know I want to make this work even though now its kinda like im doing these things in spite. She just told me in her letter that she sick of telling me how to treat her. O well I can only do my best right!!

Thanks Raymond

[Raymond]

Thats all you can do at the moment Troxman. I don't think you can play it any better at the moment. You are walking a fine line between giving her space and showing her a new determination and evidence that you have learned a few things. What else can you do? You have sowed the right seeds and now you have to wait. The hardest thing probably. Try and get distracted now if you can. You don't want to be grovelling. When the opportunity to do something good comes use it. Her response is out of your control. I think you are doing very well in the situation. I really hope and pray that this thing is mended. She knows that you love her and are thinking of her. This will be in her mind along with all the other stuff. I don't think it will be long before she begins to surface. The flowers were great.

Raymond

[troxman]

Thanks so much Raymond

[troxman]

Well Raymond,

I talked to my wife today, she said she was frustrated about the flowers. I said I thought she might be. Basically I could tell she was trying to spit something out so I said if you dont want me anymore you need to be honest with me, and boom right then she mumbled I think we should be separated. Unfortunately she is very stuborn and in the past when she makes a desicion she sticks to it. I am at a loss for words. I told her that I appreciated her honesty and that I wish I could change her mind, I really do!!! She said she knows we need to talk, shurely this will be about what were going to do to make the split work. (bills/furnature/our house which is in forclosure/etc.) I decided today to take all of the pictures of us off the walls and to begin packing my stuff. I will be forced to leave soon anyway because of the forclosure. This is the worst time in my life, I just dont understand how people can give up on a marriage like this, its not how I was raised that for sure. She's acting like i've cheated on her or something. I dont get it, I dont understand her at all right now!!!!!!!! Here's an overview of my life: (sorry I feel beter to just get this crap out right now)

Im seperating from my wife (8 years together)

My Mother in Law that I love to death and have practically spent every Sunday with has Cancer. I want so bad to be there for her!!

My house is in Forclosure

Probably have to go bankrupt

I just got hired and started a new job one that I cant put any effort into right now and that will not pay near what im used to.

Im so screwed Raymond, I figure I will give her time, dont know how much, and if she comes crawling back great, but if she does the deed with anyone im done!! Mabye I will meet somebody someday that actually cherishes marriage. I never ever thought I would be a devorcee. I hope she comes to her scences, god willing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel so hopeless Raymond I really do, by the way the names Adam and I appreciate you talking with me I really do!

Thanks for hearing my sob story

[Raymond]

It is really all happening to you Adam. I didn't know you had finacial problems as well. Losing a house doesn't help coming back together. If she needs to talk then that is what you must do. It might not be as bad as you fear but then again it might.

It's sad about your mother in law. I take it that that is her mother. She will obviously be concerned as well, but you seem to have a good relationship with her.

All these things mean that you will be talking a lot with her. Hopefully she will sense a different spirit on you than before.

I pray that God will be with you at this time. Sometimes when we are at the end of ourselves we are more open to God and then He can help us.

Here is what I am praying:

Oh heavenly Father. I bring to you this couple. I know that it is not your will that marriages are broken up so I ask that you will be in the situation giving wisdom, showing the way forward for both of them. Help Adam not to be down and help him to know that you are always there. Help his wife not to be so stubborn but to be able to see the seeds of the good that can be. Help them both with the mother and be in their thoughts at this time. I know that you will answer prayer and that somehow they will know that you are there. I ask these things in Jesus name. Amen

Be strong Adam. I know it is easy to say. It is very difficult for you, but try not to get too down. You can be sad without getting down in the wrong way. It may not be the end. See what comes out of this talk.

God bless
Raymond

[troxman]

Raymond,

Thank you for your prayer. I definately need it right now. She left this weekend for Las Vegas (about 4 hour drive) with her devorcee's. I talked to her mom earliar today and asked her to go into her room and see if she could see her wedding ring laying around. Her mom told me Adam she not wearing it. Thats devistating, she's in Las Vegas without her wedding ring. Raymond what is she doing, I cant believe her right now. I hate life right now, the love of my life is a stanger. Its 3:09 am I gotta go to bed im so messed up

[Raymond]

Adam I think this is years of frustration coming out. We are praying that God keeps His hand on her and that she sees the right path. Las Vegas is not the sort of place to go to find the straight and narrow as you know. Do you really see her as that type of person? I don't think you do. Theres something about it that says to hell with everything. That will pass but we pray that she will not do anything stupid and come to herself. All one can do at the moment is pray and that's what we are doing.

Raymond

[troxman]

Thank You Raymond

[lonelylass]

Hi Troxman,

I have just read through your thread. It sounds to me like your wife has tried to tell you how she was feeling a while before she left and you didn't really notice until she had gone?

I really think you need to give her some space and I would not follow her advice to you regards fighting for her, buying her flowers as she says, too little too late. It will appear as if you are ONLY doing it now because she has gone and she is prompting you....do you know what I mean?

When she gets back from Vegas I would suggest you speak to her and book a weekend away somewhere, just the two of you, be spontanious, think of something to show her you care that she hasn't mentioned. Can you think of anything? You obviously mean a lot to each other from what I have read, I think she just feels unloved at the moment. Show her by any means possible to you, how you feel. Even if it's something daft that will make her laugh ( I have a scene from a film in my head involving a rose):D!

Hope this is of some help from a womans perspective. LoLa x

[troxman]

Lonelylass,

I sure do hope to someday get a second chance, she just seems so distant right now and scared to even consider me/us at the moment. I know her pretty well and I really dont think she will be up for a trip right now, she's doing her best to avoid anything me/us. This is why i've only seen her twice in the last 17 days and they were both right after she left. I dont know, i've got nothing to loose I will definately bring it up whenever she decides she wants to talk again, if ever. Im sure we will have to talk somewhat soon to figure out our finacial situation. Hopefully there will be some money left after she done in Vegas this weekend. (not wearing her ring) :(

Thanks Lonelylass

[troxman]

I went over to her moms house today. My wife's still in Vegas until monday afternoon. Her mom made me dinner and we talked about the situation. She told me to be strong and take care of myself. She also said she had just talked to my wife and they (her and her divorced buddy) were at the pool hanging out. One thing that really bothered me was that my wife supposedly grabbed a bottle of wine that we bought for her parents in Italy to open when we have children. She was going to take it with her to Las Vegas for her and her friends to drink. Thats just wrong on so many levels!!! Her mom grabbed it away from her and hid it. Still havent heard from her since she told me she wanted to be separated. I was supprised to hear from her mom that she hadent thrown out the flowers I bought for her Friday, there still in her room. Although she has been gone for the weekend since Sat. after she got off work so they havent been in her face for too long. From what her mom tells me she's been avoiding her father, he's the boss I think in a way the only one she really listens to. He told her that she needs to get her s#$% together in so many words. I guess she said she will calm down soon and said something to the effect of dont you think I deserve to have a good time. I dont know what to think anymore!! Back to work monday, mabye that will help me keep my mind off things a bit. (too much free time on the weekends)

Adam

[Raymond]

Is this her normal type of behaviour Adam would you say or is it years of frustration coming out like I thought? I am getting a different picture of her than I originally had. I think you have to try and stay a bit cool at the moment while she is having this time. She is probably not thinking very straight just now but will come down to earth at some stage and maybe consider more carefully what you have been trying to tell her. You obviously have to see everything through to the end but it's not over until it's over. I feel there is more to be worked out between you both, so I am not giving up yet. It's good that you get on with her mother. I really hope you get the chance to practice what you have learned and that she gets the chance to see that you are going to try in the marriage.

At the moment I can only hope and pray. I still think the flowers were a good idea. She will remember the thought even though she was angry at the time.

Raymond

[troxman]

Raymond,

Your right staying cool is what I must do. Its really hard right now im so frustrated, I want to be mean but at the same time I know what that will cause, don't want that. I feel so weird without my ring, I hate it! Should I still wear it even though she isnt? What is your picture of her saying now? Is hopeing and praying the only thing I can do? I guess it is since she seems to not want anything to do with me right now!! I can only hope that when she decides to talk to me (she has to at some point to figure out our finances) she will open up some!!!

Thanks Raymond

[troxman]

You know I dont think ive done enough to win her back. Ive been so frustrated with her actions that ive missed oportunities I think to show her I want her back. I decided tonight that im going to paint her a picture, she bought me all the stuff to do this along time ago and has asked me in the past to paint her something. Im gonna paint her a big heart and take a small picture of us and kinda paint it into the picture. I just feel like valuable time is flying by, time that could be misconstrued for my not careing. I gotta step up and do all I can to get her back NOW!

[Raymond]

Hi Adam. I think your instincts are correct. You are right not to be mean although it is very tempting. That will not achieve anything. I think you should keep your marriage ring on. This thing has not been played out yet. You need to show yourself faithful while she is going through this however difficult that is. She is not committing adultery or anything like that. You are still her husband at the moment.

If you still have the instinct to let her know your love I would say go ahead so long as you are not crawling. That would be a pitiful sight. But yes show her you love her and you want to change. Some of what you say must get through. Persist in that as you have opportunity. You have to try. It is better to go out fighting than to never have tried at all and who's to say you won't win? Youre going to let her know that there is someone who loves her and wants to change. Let her know you mean business.

Raymond

[troxman]

I sent her flowers to her work today. She text me with they dont mean anything!! She said that the only reason I gave them to her is because she told me that this is one of the things i wasnt doing to fight for her. The texts went on me kissing @ss and her telling me how its to late I gave up along time ago, for me to open my eyes and see that in our marriage we were friends not lovers. She told me shes the happiest shes been in a long time at her moms. So depressing she cant see past the past, and open up at all. SSSSSSOOOOOOOOO stuborn!!! I am painting her a picture, I think I told you she allways wanted me to do that for her so we'll see how she reacts to it. Its like she's trying to push my until I give her what she wants and unfortunetely that seems like anything but me. I dont know what to do life is so bad for me these days, I cant do anything right!!

[Raymond]

It is very difficult for you Adam. She still hasn't calmed down. One thing is not to crawl as I said before. Keep finding ways to show your love and how you have changed. Obviously your ways are limited is she thinks you are now crawling to her too late. That is not the impression you want to give. You need to give her a bit of space but still give her a few signs that you love her however you do that. I know that is very difficult for you because of her attitude. Part of you has to let her go but part of you has to let her know that you love her. A difficult path to walk I know, but life is going on all the time. Things change for better or worse, but I am hoping it will be better.

Raymond

[troxman]

Raymond,

Well my wife finally has told me she wants to talk. I called her mom today to ask her if her daughter was going to be there today so that I could drop off the painting that took me all week to paint and she told me that my wife was planning on comming over sometime today to talk. I called the wife when I got home and said, "I was wondering if we could talk soon." She replied with "yes I was going to call you, and I think wednesday would be good." I have a real bad feeling that this will be it!! But at least I will know one way or the other. I decided that I wanted to deliever the painting to her today incase this is my last oportunity. So I called her and told her that I had something for her and that if she didnt want to come outside and get it from me personally I would leave it her truck for her. She wanted to know what it was but I told her she would have to find out for herself. I left a short letter with the painting that basically said I was trying to find a way to tell her I love her, and that I wasnt doing this to frustrate or irritate her but that the painting illustrates how I feel about us. (Its a 14X18 heart painting hearts within hearts with a cutout picture of us in the shape of a heart in the middle) I said in the letter that she didnt have to respond if she didnt want to and that I would understand. She didnt respond, and I really dont understand, im pretty sure I would have in her shoes. Thats ok I guess im gonna find out on Wednesday what she's really thinking. Another thing that scared me is that her mom actually talked to her for the first time, she was able to tell me that my wife was planning on comming over. That scares me because thats all she said, I feel like she knows more but doesnt want to be the one to tell me what her daughters about to do. Wednesday it is wish me luck, please pray for me I need it. Im trying to prepare myself for the worst!!

[Raymond]

I suppose this is it Troxman. I hope it is not as bad as you think, but you are right to prepare for the worst just in case. She knows you love her. Let her say what she has to say. If there is an opportunity let her know that you understand your shortcomings and intend to do better. I don't know if she has heard that yet. If it is as bad as you fear you may not get the chance but you have signalled to her as best you can, so what else can you do? Will be praying for Wednesday that God's grace will be with you.

Raymond

[troxman]

Thank you Raymond

[Raymond]

Have prayed for you for today Adam.

Raymond

[sswife]

:Hi Trox

Thinking about you today.

I am proud of you. You tried your best and fought for her, you didn't just give up. I am so glad you finished your painting. I wish you all the best when you talk to her today. Keep your head high and keep your cool.

PS I would have been loved getting a painting. Knocked off my socks!!! :D

[troxman]

Well guys its official she wants nothing to do with me!!! I tried my best to prepare for this, but when she makes up her mind thats it!! I dont even know where to start you guys... I told her that I was willing to do anything to give us another chance including couples therapy, I told her I think we can work through this and mentioned the whole better/worse...nothing!!
She said if she came back it wouldnt be fair because she doesnt believe she can put in 100%
I told her she's making a huge mistake and that I hope she realizes it before i meet someone else. She was so persistant on her decision there was nothing I could do or say. She did say she loved the painting and that she doesnt understand why it took me 4-5 years to actually paint her something. Thats besides the point im back in the cesspool now I never thought this day would actually come, what do I do? She was nice the whole conversation and apologetic and kept grabbing my hand as I broke down as if she was trying to be gentle in letting me go. I asked if I should take off my ring and she nodded, that was a mess, so emotional for me. God help us on this site this hurts so bad!!! Shes coming back next week to discuss finances. I asked her if she was going to draw up the papers and she said she hasnt even thought about it yet but she said it as if it was only a matter of time. She said she's not seeing anyone yet but has had oportunities. I responded with where do you hang out because if I see her with another guy I will definately snap and someones gettin hurt, I am so worked up right now, pissed and emotional, o my god!!! Im trying to keep it together but its so hard I just want to explode!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for all your support guys,

Adam

[Raymond]

I'm very sorry to hear that Adam. I had hoped things would be fixed. As you say once she makes up her mind. This obviously had been coming on for months and she had reached her decision. I think you just have to accept it and don't be bitter. I don't think it was a wise move to talk about violence on anyone you find her with. That would be just confirmation to her to keep clear of you. You have to make a new start if it is going to be like this and not be bitter. You don't want to take this into any new relationship you might have. I know you feel awful but believe it or not that will pass in time. You have learned things but someone else may be the beneficiary of them now. You tried and did your best to hold it but it may have been too late in hindsight. You musn't let this ruin your life as there is a lot of living ahead of you. Thrashing out at others will make things worse. Try and keep your wife as a friend and not an enemy. Who knows what can happen in the future?

Raymond

[troxman]

Raymond,

Its like I dont even know my soon to be ex-wife anymore she seems so wrapped up in her new life. All she seems to care about is partying and her friends. She came over while I was at work to use the computer and downloaded some songs on I-tunes, well with i-tunes you can see which songs were played last and what times they were played on her i-pod. She worked all day the night before our talk (d-day talk) then went out and acording to her i-pod was listening to music from 2:30am all the way through 7:30 am. Her mom said she's been going out after work and not comming home until 6-7am. Im honestly woried about her, but I no longer have a say. I dont thinks shes slowed down one bit in the last month of separation to see what she's lost or to remember what we had. So devistating Raymond I hope she wakes up someday before I move on completey. She's not living a healthy life thats for sure and the sweet woman I knew is nowhere to be found. The sad part is I know she's in that shell somewhere. I dont know I just miss her!!

Adam

[Raymond]

Something is not right Adam. If you say that is not normally how she is then soemething has changed. Are you sure she is not seeing anyone? Did she marry young and now wants to do the things she missed? I don't know what's going on and I wonder if you would have got a different answer if this stuff wasn't going on. something seems to have got into her head from somewhere I agree. This might not be the end of the story.

Raymond

[sswife]

Unfortunately hanging arround with all those divorcees has not done her any good. I think that this could have put alot of ideas into her head. I know what girls are like in a group. They would have spoken about how bad their exs etc .........and how good their lives were as single woman. This probably made her think even more about the problems in your relationship. Things that might not have been issues for her before are things that could "bother" her now.

I really feel that by her listening to music from 2:30 to 7:30 shows that something is not right. She is trying to escape from something. Her thoughts? Her feelings? I don't know.

Don't know if it can be fixed. I'm just hoping that she will be okay. All that you want is to be happy and for her to be happy.

[troxman]

Thank you for the insight,

Adam

[Mike56]

I told her she's making a huge mistake and that I hope she realizes it before i meet someone else.

Just a little something to ponder on. You told her - - she's making a mistake - - before (you) meet someone else.

Think about it - would that make you want to go back to someone who said that to you? You'll not like this, but you may want to look at yourself a little - how equal a relationship did you have with your wife?

- - out having fun - -

Indeed. Did she get much of that?

Mike