Where has the sun gone?

[incopho]

Its difficult to gauge whether it would be better to start a new thread or try to butt into an existing one. I've browsed through a few and these pages are filled with people who are in equal amounts of pain to myself (as if pain can be measured!). I became so desperate to have someone to talk to that I started a blog of my thoughts but find that still doesnt help me as I need some sort of feedback in order to make sense of things.

I am male and 34 as my profile suggests. My partner of 15 years (soon to be 16) and I are right in the middle of what feels like the worlds hardest separation. We have a mutual 6 year old girl who is the absolute apple of my eye and I would litterally do anything for her, and there lies the problem.

I shall call my partner D. D and I have been having trouble for a number of years - probably a decade if I am honest. There have been no affairs but the spark that attracted us in the heady early days died and what was left was what some of the contributors comment on as being the hard grind of marriage. It can be hard work. Now I am not saying for one moment that I am perfect, I have a list of problems as long as my arm and I will admit to them but D has some overt ones that are hard to ignore. She insisted on controlling every aspect of my life and I mean every aspect. I submitted to this since I felt that this was the one and that no-one ever took notice of me anyway so I might as well stick it out. Against my families wishes I tried to make a go of the relationship. I ended up 5 years ago having what amounted to no life at all. I was prevented from attending any sort of event or meeting outside the marriage be it sports (I play tennis), work (not able to go to Christmas parties), family (told I cant see them as they are evil and dont like D), friends (why would you want to spend time with them when I am alone at home). In the mean time she did not work, stayed home and I went out to earn the bread and pay for the home etc. When I got home I would have to cart her around to get the things that she needed and to do the shopping. I wasnt allowed to do that since I would get it wrong - stupid man I would be told. Men dont know how to shop. At home I would be told what to wear, how to live, not to make a mess and be grateful for having a partner that gave me a child - which of course I was, since I always thought I would be alone when I was at school.

We went on a trip to see family (abroad) and that brought things to a head. She went for a week ahead of me, in the hope that when I got there I would be able to see my family. It ended up that I felt so guilty for removing her from her family (we emigrated) that the week that I was there I and my daughter saw my family a total of 8 hours or so. It was dreadful. My family were very angry and directed the anger at me at the time. When we got back to the UK my sister in law called D and let rip telling her she was selfish and many other things besides. This of course made it back to me and I felt obliged to cut contact with my family, the alternative was to be alone and lose my daughter - both massive threats to me.

The following days got so bad that in the end I broke down and told D that I did not love her anymore and that I could not continue like this. I felt like I had no life, no family and no support. I felt boxed in, a trapped helpless animal.

She took this news very badly and reacted very harshly, initially I think to intimidate me back into my box. Standing up to her was something I just did not do and she made sure that I was punished for it through her cutting use of laguage to belittle me throught to all but eliminiting close physical contact. The latter didn't bother me too much as I didn't believe that it was right to pursue close contact with someone that I supposedly dont love. Anyway, I realised that what I has said was rubbish and that I did love her but that I needed her to understand that I need a bit more space - I was being suffocated. Repeatedly trying to explain this to her just left me feeling emotionally battered - she is able to pull the strings so effectively that I simply am not able to make headway.

So, 3 years after the above happened - and after us agreeing to part ways we were still together under the same roof and I was still feeling boxed in and trapped and unloved and lonely, lonely, lonely. I guess it shows what a wimp I am that I let it go on for so long without taking more concrete steps - I didnt for my daughter's sake.

Last summer I had the fright of my life. I will never forget that moment. I borrowed her phone to make a call. I had just come back from my fathers funeral - a hard time for me. I opened the inbox for some reason, probably fat fingers but I am glad I did. In there was a text stating that the sender had had a lovely time and had wanted to see D again as soon as possible. There were other texts too, stretching back to the beginning of the summer and also from mutual friends whom she had told and had subsequently advised her to tell me straight away. I now know why people use the term, my heart jumped into my throat, I just could not believe what I was reading. She was upstairs at the time and I had to quickly retreat when she came down. Later I went and double checked and sure enough the messages were there - plain to read. I was devastated. Here was proof positive that I was being used as a willing donkey to pay all the bills and provide a free and easy ride for her while she was seeing another or other men. I had no idea.

Eventually I plucked up the courage to confront her with this. She hottly denied any wrong doing saying that since we had decided to split up it was fine for her to speak with other men and have other male friends. Something I agree with and I asked her to try to remain sensitive since it was like a red hot stake through the heart for me to think that she was in love with another man. I left it there but after a month or so one of the texters became a frequent texter - something like a frequent flyer. They would exchanve multiple texts every day and I began to notice abnormal patterns of behaviour in D like new clothing, not comming home until late evening, spending lots of time at this persons place of work etc. In fact she picked up some volunteer work at his place of work, something I was proud of for a while but I soon realised that she was doing this to be close to him.

In December last year it became unbearable for me. She started seeing him daily, he would come into our (my, I own it) house, eat the food out the fridge that she had prepared for him (and I would get the leftovers at night when I got back from work), she made sure that he befriended my daughter and she has grown quite attached to him - culminating in her even spending nights at his place under the pretense of working with him on his business.

She had no idea (or at least pretented to) what this was doing to me. Christmas was an absolute disaster, she wanted to be with him, I wanted my family back, we were both lonely and the tension in the air was palpable. Our little girl was so distressed by all this that she spent Christmas morning in tears - unable to decide which present to open. The smallest thing causing her to cry.

In January I could not take it anymore - I confronted her again about the relationship she was having which was denied. I was told how insecure I am and how I should sort myself out and get my self esteem sorted out otherwise no-one would ever love me. On the 15th I handed her a financial settlement and childcare plan in draft. I wanted her to know I was serious.

Since then, life has deteriorated to such an extent that I have found myself: on anti-depressants, seeing counsilors, spending all night awake regularly (see time of this post), unable to focus on work, crying my eyes out in church etc, etc. My friends have tried hard to support me but things are so bad now that even they are struggling since she insists on spreading poison about me to our social circle. Most dont believe a word of it but some do and that hurts like hell. I have now been accused of being alcoholic (I am as near T total as can be), substance abuser (drinking while on anti D's, not true as I stopped taking them almost as soon as I started, believing that I dont need drugs), drinking under influence, emotionally abusive, psychologically unstable, bipolar and some other choice things. All these things are probably said to intimidate or influence me in some way but they do hurt when I try to be a good person and nothing less and most of all I try to do the best by my little girl as I can.

Well, having summarised the general situation, and there is lost more, the clincher for me posting here has been the latest iteration of mindgames that D has employed. I was forced to get solicitors involved as she had done nothing about getting herself sorted out and out the house by 15 March (2 months after I first gave her the draft agreement and she ignored it). That provoked an unprecedented attack. She has now stopped communication and has been telling our little girl that I try to buy her affection and that I am a bad dad. The little thing is completely confused and refused to let me do what I always do for her. I get her ready for school every day of the week. Last Thu she refused and mummy had to come to the rescue spouting syrup out her mouth to the child and telling her how daddy wants to snatch her away from mummy and how she was going to ring 999 to stop me doing it.

It broke my heart to have my little girl look up at me with confusion in her eyes. I could see her thoughts, daddy I know you love me but why would you be doing to me what mummy says, do you really love me?:(

So some advice from anyone reading this would be gratefully accepted. As a dad, have I got a hope of doing what I believe is best for my daughter and asking to keep her with me for 3 nights in a week. How will my little girl cope. What tactics can I use to overcome the emotional blackmail that D has over me. Will I ever feel alive again. Will I ever see the sun again? If and when she gets a solicitor will they take me apart bearing in mind she has no work, no source of income, no place to stay)?

Posted by a sad, sad person.

[Raymond]

Incopho this lady has obviously been manipulating and controlling you for years. However much you love her you cannot let her control or manipulate you. I would say stand up and be a man. You are going to have to fight for what is yours. Relationships are freewill. Nobody has the right to control another when they are adults. You have to sort yourself out, who you are and what you think. We are all individuals. Do not weaken in this otherwise it will swallow you up and attempt to take away from who you are. She is comitting adultery before you in your house. How did it ever get this far? It is time to make a stand, mostly within yourself so that you are not manipulated or controlled any longer. Look after your daughter. She will surely be damaged if she has to live away from you. Do what you want to do with a good conscience.

Raymond

[incopho]

Rayond - you are quite correct in what you say. Standing up to her is something that I should have done long ago and my family have been screaming for me to do that. I guess it was a fear of being alone that drove me to continue with the status quo and that particular worry is very strong for me. I guess I always worried that this is what it would come to - a protracted and messy court battle over what is essentially an innocent victim of 2 adults who cannot agree.

The mind games are excruciating though and she has a habit of belitteling me in front of our daughter. She accused me of manipulating our daughter into wanting nothing to do with her mum. Not the case, I have always maintained that access to both parents is the right thing for the little girl - for her development, social skills, emotional development and even just her variety of life. Being stuck with just her mum would eventually become life for her but I feel she would be missing out as a result.

..

[val100]

Hi,
The law will not prevent you from seeing your daughter if it is anyway similiar to Ireland but can I seriously suggest you get a fantastic solicitor and get in before she does. play your cards close to your heart.

Believe me her conduct concerning your daughter is very very harmful. You need to not think about yourself for a while and work out how you can stop this abuse. You are abused whether you realise this or not.
Please stop this woman from destroying you and your relationship with your little girl.
I am sorry you are going through this I have no idea how you have remained sane

[Raymond]

Ncopho you are quite right in the concern you have for your daughter.

Thinking about your situation a bit more I believe the opening you gave her to manipulate you is the fear you have of being alone. Fear is never a good motivator and nearly always leads to worse problems than that feared. Nobody wants to be alone but the fear of it will cause bizarre behaviour. The problem about being alone is loneliness but this in itself is a good motivator not to be alone. The fear of it works in a different way and will make you co-dependent on another person in the wrong way. Where that person seeks to manipulate and control you will be vulnerable and much worse off than before. Therefore be brave and deal with that fear. It won't be anything like you fear and could lead to a lot of good things. There is a ligitimate comfort in being married and enjoying all the intimacy that this provides, but fear will work against that and allow you to be used in the wrong way.

Raymond

[incopho]

Hi,
The law will not prevent you from seeing your daughter if it is anyway similar to Ireland but can I seriously suggest you get a fantastic solicitor and get in before she does. play your cards close to your heart.

Believe me her conduct concerning your daughter is very very harmful. You need to not think about yourself for a while and work out how you can stop this abuse. You are abused whether you realize this or not.
Please stop this woman from destroying you and your relationship with your little girl.
I am sorry you are going through this I have no idea how you have remained sane

Thanks for this reply. I have seen a solicitor but was told that when it comes to the child that the courts would be reluctant to get involved unless there were extreme examples of, say, abuse. I don't think this situation counts. Parental responsibility states that I should have equal rights but given that she has been the primary carer and has not worked now for at least 6 years I think I would have little chance of succeeding. The point for me is that I don't want to take her away form her mum. Yes, I am nuts to say this but I am not vindictive in that way and would like our daughter to share a relationship with both of us. She doesn't want to agree to that sort of shared care agreement. She stated that she wanted to have residence and that I would have contact on a regular but short basis. I believe that it would be best for the little one to spend equal amounts (or as nearly equal as one can get in an uneven week) with both parents so that she develops in a way that takes both points of view into account. Put bluntly, I don't want her to learn her mothers bad ways.

I am intrigued by your comment that I am abused - I guess you mean in an emotional sense. I am coming to realize that this is probably the case but this is also a 'wood for the trees' issue and I simply cannot see the manipulation anymore. I have cast iron filters built into my mind that filter it out - I guess hard learnt over the early portion of our relationship.

I am very, very concerned about out little girl. The 'buying me' statement is hard to accept but in January, when I first tried to get things moving it was in many ways worse. She was openly hostile to me then after having spent just half a day with her mother between us talking about the practical side of splitting up and when I got back from work. She is so good at the manipulation she got my daughter to tell me she hates me and what I have done to her - how do I cope with that?

[incopho]

Billy, I thank you for taking the time to put your thoughts on paper. Your comment about letting things slide for the good of our daughter is spot on but not the whole truth. I am in many ways my own enemy in that I allow these things to happen without stamping on them there and then. Short term pain for long term gain is something I have yet to learn - it comes down to an inherent dislike of conflict on my part and dealing with that aspect is something I need to do. She of course uses this very effectively against me.

Added 22/04: Given what people have been saying to me in this thread I think I need to re-evaluate my situation. I never thought of myself as abused. Will spend some time at the GP I think and discuss with them.

[val100]

You may laugh at this suggestion but go talk to your Gp about your worries for your daughter tell them what she is saying to your child. This is child abuse, it is emotionally very destructive. there are more ways to abuse a person other than beeting or name calling.
i worked with kids for years and have healthboard training to identify signs of child abuse or emotional stress, trust me she has signs. Go talk to her teachers it will be manifesting in some way and if it isn't that is worse again because she is bottling it up.
If you go to your Gp and to the school (this is now your game plan and I am sorry) they will make a record of it, this record can be brought to the courts attention if she is trying to make you look bad, just remember the judge will not tolerate silly arguements and back stabbing.
I agree that a child should see both parents but I have to be honest I believe the childs week should not be broken between homes. Yes take her at the weekends and maybe out twice during the week but she needs a permanet base. This is only my opinion and I know for lots of kids what you want does work. it is just my personal feelings not backed up by any research that I have.
Your wife is a bully! start seeing it and stop accepting it. Using a child to hurt the other parent is lower than low and is the greatest wrong doing in any marriage split. It is disgraceful.

[incopho]

Noodle, too late. She already has the school under her spell. She went to see the head teacher there a while ago. She turned on the taps and told them what an evil person I am and that I was mentally unstable and abusive towards the 2 of them. They recommended that she should try to stay away for a night or 2 to get some perspective which, I must be honest, if I had been told those things I would also have recommended. What D did then was as follows: she waited until the very end of the day and sent me a text stating that she had had expert advice to take respite and that she and our daughter would be away. She did not specify where and for how long. I texted her back asking her to speak with our daughter so that I could re-assure here that I was not leaving her and that daddy was still there for her. I had little alternative but to accept that she was capable and able to take such a step - I also texted back to say that I understand that she feels the way she feels in an attempt to get her to calm down. I spent a night awake worrying myself sick, thinking they had ended up in a care home for abused mothers or something. While I have nothing against those places, they fulfill a desperate need for desperate people I did not want my little girl exposed to a place like that. In the end it turns out that this was another mind game she was playing. They returned the next day to a neighbour. Told them the story and the neighbour, exasperated at my behaviour, escorted the 2 of them back to my home. After some dialogue which included the neighbour accusing me of alcoholism (as I said I dont drink) and that I witheld food and money from the 2 of them I eventually managed to get rid of the neighbour. D and our daughter then spent the night in our house - rather unbelievable given that 24 hours earlier they had to vacate given that I was so dangerous. In fact I put the little girl to bed that night. A few days later I was absolutely furious to discover that she had spent the night with her 'friend' and that in fact the whole thing had been a PR expercise to slander me with the school (they now dont trust me) and to get to spend a night as a little happy family with her 'lover'. I went to see the head teacher over that and she was shocked when I told her what had happened and the way in which D had communicated with me and assured me that they have the best interests of the child at heart. She also assured me that besides being a little more assertive the child has shown no ill effects. I know that D has been there since and I detect a cooling towards me again so I guess I need to pay them another visit. I do get the feeling they are suspicious of me but that may just be my own mind playing tricks on me. I hastily add that I am probably one of the most involved fathers at the school. Regularly taking time off work to attend school plays, feedback sessions, teacher communication sessions and school trips.

Coming to today I discovered that she finally went to see a solicitor yesterday and they have been in touch with my solicitor. To illustrate the mind games that she plays, she deliberately left a note lying about which indicated she had been to see a judge yesterday and that she was pursuing a legal injunction - for what I do not know. I am to angry to get upset by that. I think she is losing her mind...

[incopho]

Bad news for me, bailiffs at the door earlier so I wont be posting for a while. Thank you to all of you who took the time to post. It gave me some strength to fight which I will now need...