Somebody Please Help

[troxman]

Hello everyone,
My wife of almost 6 years left me 2 days ago, she is now staying at her moms. She has never left before and I am freaking out. Im 31 she's almost 27. It took her leaving to realize what ive been doing wrong in our relationship I dont believe its all my fault but I take the majority of the blame. She has even told me what ive been doing wrong I just never listened or expected her to leave. From the moment she left 2 days ago I have been feeling something I never thought I could feel, im sure alot of you on this site know what im talking about. Our relationship has been more of a brother sister type relationship for probably the last couple years, I stoped kissing her and intimacy, well lets just say I can count on two hands the sex in the last year. (things used to be great) Strange enough I just let time pass and let things continue to spiral down. She also says shes jealous of other happy couples and that she's tired of wanting more. When she left she told me that she needed space and time to think about what she really wants. I was devestated and started kissing her ass almost immediately to be honest up until this morning I havent left her alone through phone calls. Most of the time she just wont respond. Yesterday she came by to pick up one of the dogs (she left me the other dog and an empty house) and I tried to hold it together, I said hi hunny is it ok if we talk for a minute calmly and proceeded to tell her how I felt about her (I lost it at this point) and that I know we can make this work and to not give up on our marriage. She said she's not giving up and even told me she loves me a couple of times. What scared me is the lack of emotion she showed, she barely teared up, and I was a whimipering baby. Anyway she said this cannot be fixed in a couple of days and that she still needed time to figure out whats best for her and that I need to do the same. When she left yesterday after out chat she barely let me give her the slightest kiss. I love her so much I cant loose her.

WHAT SHOULD I DO IM GOING CRAZY.......PLEASE ADVICE ANYBODY!!!!!

[Raymond]

Obviously you need to sort something out Troxman. You haven't really told us what, apart from the fact that you are not meeting her physical needs. Perhaps her love language is touch (hugs etc) and you haven't communicated your love in that way. It could be as simple as that unless there is something that you haven't said that is causing you to be distracted for the one whom you should be loving. I think there is more there than what you are sharing.

Raymond

[troxman]

Raymond,

Your right there is more. I think the major issue with us now that I've had 5 days to think about it is that we stopped giving ourselves OUR time. When we go out there's allways freinds involved and they keep us from having a personal connection like we used to. Here is a sample day/night for us: I leave for work at 6-7am she leaves around 9-10. I usually call her to ask how her days going at some point during the day. I get home at around 5:00 and she follows at around 8-8:30.
When she gets home I give her a peck and she's usually so exhausted that she goes strait upstairs grabs some grubbies and plants herself onto the couch or the computer. I too sit my a$$ down watch tv and we mabye spend 10 minutes talking per night and not about our relationship. At about 10 I go to bed and she stays up till 12pm or so most of the time passes out on the couch. And bam the process starts over untill the weekend comes. I work M-F she works TU-SA, sometimes I go out with friends Friday since she has to wake up for work Sat. Then recently she's been using her Sat. to hang out with her girlfriends. WOW I think that says it all, sounds like a great schedule for sucess doesnt it. Damn that was even boring for me to write... Thats frightening to read!!

[Raymond]

It looks like you are living seperate lives and have drifted apart. Lack of quality time? Tiredness?

What are these things she said you have been doing wrong? Maybe there is a key there?

Raymond

[troxman]

She says I don't even kiss her any more, (this I can recall her saying quite a few times, I just avoided it!) that its like were 50 already and living like her parents, that I take advantage of her and don't commit my fare share and or I don't show that I appreciate what she does for me. I think she kinda feels like my mom, I don't know. She says that around other people I don't pay enough attention to her and that I give off a I don't give a s@#@ attitude concerning our relationship. We havent had sex in 4 months thats also been said. How can I fix such a messed up situation. The more I write about it the more I notice how jacked up we are. I am so ashamed of what i've become!!! I do love her so much and your right with quality time and a kick in the a$$ (like this one) I do believe we could have a standing chance, but mabye she's already made up her mind I have no clue what she is going to do!!

Thanks Raymond,

Your really helping to dig into my head and figure this out!!

[Raymond]

You obviously love her Troxman but are not cumminicating it to her in a way that she understands. It's time to change. You are not going to be perfect but if you don't take any steps at all you know what the outcome can be.

A book that might be helpful for you to read is The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman. He shows how there are five love languages and everyone perceives love in a slightly different way. He seperates it down into Acts of Service, Touch, Words of Affirmation, Gifts (nothing expensive just the thought) and Quality time. People perceive love through any one of these things but each person has a prime language and if you leave that out they will not feel loved even though you love them.

It took me ages to find out that Touch was my wife's prime love language. I didn't need it but she did. I'm talking about hugs, a peck on the cheek, holding hands (nothing to do with sex at that stage). I had to learn that, now it's become a normal part of things. I still do everything else but I am especially sensitive to that.

Yourt wife obviously sounds love starved and you have to start listening to her cry. You are not getting accross to her your love. I don't know what her prime love language is but two that stick out from what I am reading is Words of Affirmation and Touch maybe. I think you have to try and see her good points and compliment her. Build her up verbally, not flattery, but what you actually see in her. We all have good points. I think what you have said about her will be an ideal manual for you to get working on. It will take time before it becomes natural but attack her prime love language first before it's too late. You will have your prime love language as well. I heard of a man whos love language was acts of service. He felt love through that and expressed love for his wife by fixing everything etc. and didn't understand why she didn't feel loved. Her love language was different (I thing it was touch again) and he never ever expressed it to her. So you see it can be a learning curve. We have to learn the language. It's whats called working on your marriage. It can be fixed.

The other thing I would mention is sex. Why are you not coming together much? Do you not like sex? This is where the intimacy is expressed between you which is very important. (I hope you are not diverting your sexual drive elsewhere, say porn, solo MB or such) You must make time for it and I would say it must come naturally out of your relationship. What I mean by that is you don't ignore her all day then have sex. She will feel used if you do that.

I hope some of this is helpful but the main thing is I would say is listen to the things you have told me she has said and work on them. I am sure things can be fixed between you. This is probably your wake up call. Don't worry it will come naturally to you in the end believe me. It's well worth it. Marriage is very precious.

Raymond

[troxman]

Damn Raymond your good and im gonna check out the recomended book, sounds informative and very useful. Great help thanks so much!!

As far as the sex goes what man doesnt like sex. Since honesty is important especially when asking somebody for a helpful opinion, I can't lie I sometimes do self gratify and as far as I know she does not. She has said before numerous times that when I wan't sex its usually because the wind blew across my frontside just right if you get my gist. Or she'll say, "you just expect me to sit on your lap and go to town dont you." Basically she can't be turned on like a switch. For a while now I have felt kinda awkward initiating sex because I feel like she will not take me seriously. I guess thats because we don't kiss in a pationate way anymore and I feel that if I go in for a real kiss like that she will back away. Mabye I just dont feel confident enough in myself to kiss her like that anymore. I need to get over that!!!Never talked about this stuff before, I feel like I need a shrink!!

Thanks Raymond

[Raymond]

You need to be able to break down the sex barriers Troxman. I don't think the passionate kiss is essential if it is not you. I think it is better to build the whole relationship a peck here a hug there. I kiss my wife's neck in the bedroom because I know that's what she likes but it rarely happens outside the bedroom so forget it.

Your wife will need time though, most women do, and it is good to be aware of that. It has been said that men are Electric Cookers (instant) and men Gas Cookers. You have to learn to excite her. She is unique and you are the only one in the world that has the right to learn what her sexual needs are. It has a lot to do with what happens outside of the bedroom as well. You cannot ignore her all day then suddenly pounce for sex. She will feel used. Really you have to think of her as well.

I don't think satisfying yourself helps as it is diverting your sexual drive and robbing her. If you are fantasising about others while MB this can be a mental adultery and will have a detrimental affect on your sex life and consequently your marriage. If you must satisfy yourself keep her in mind, but if she is available even this can be pointless.

I think you lack a little confidence in this area Troxman but it can be learned so long as you are keeping faithful to her. Really all I have said = LOVE not just a feeling but making loving decisions on purpose. Right decisions or choices will give you right feelings in time, believe me. Don't worry about performance. Forget the films and everything that makes you think you have to give a fantastic performance. Love and consideration to her is what is needed. Performance will take care of itself. A little reality is maybe all you need. Start practising more. The sooner the better.

Raymond

[troxman]

Thanks Raymond