Don't know what to do

[Emmi]

Hi,
Don't know where to start, so please forgive me if things are a bit jumbled.
I met my Hubby in 1986 when I was 16 and he was 20, had my Daughter at 17 and my son at 20. My Hubby has never been an understanding person and everytime we had problems he always stormed off and huffed, never tried to help me sort things out. As far as I know he has never physically cheated on me, there have been incidents with porn, sex contacts and he was in contact with another woman on the internet. I know they never met in person, but I still class it as mental cheating, he thinks otherwise as he said he was just winding her up!!!
Since we met he has always claimed that he didn't like the person he was and blames his childhood, I know he had it rough, but I had an awful thing happen to me and I didn't drag it into my adult life. Maybe I'm being unfair and think because I dealt with mine he could deal with his. Anyway he has had several sessions with counsellors and the problems are still there. He has constantly said over the years that he wants to change and I was always willing to help him, but other than those sessions a few years ago, he has done nothing except say the same lines over and over again " I don't like who I am I want to change"
Things changed for me a few years ago when I became seriously ill and now I am disabled, I had to give up work and my life has taken such a nose-dive it's unbelievable. I tried to turn to my Hubby for support and to be honest at the beginning things were good, but like everything else with him, the novelty wore off. Now I don't even attempt to ask for help as I know I won't get it. Don't get me wrong he does ask how I'm feeling, but it's no use answering because he's concentrating on the TV when he asks. One time I said my head had fell off and my insides were sitting on the kitchen floor, and he said oh right so your ok then????? not even aware of what I really said. I will admit I have been at such a low point that I actually thought of taking my own life, but I know I couldn't do that because of my Kids and my beliefs, so saw my GP who has given me anti-depressants. I just can't begin to explain how I feel about him, I mean I love him but that is being ate up by all the anger, resentment, frustration and loneliness that I feel. I really don't want to be with him at the moment and when I tried to tell him how I felt he just said the usual, I'm trying but your not making it easy for me and we will get it sorted, but he doesn't want to go to couples counselling, he wants to do t ourselves, but we're not able to do that. I will admit that we had an argument the other day and I blew up (practically first time) which I never really do as I'm usually a placid person, and I told him that we had nothing in common and that as the children are leaving home I can't bear the thought of being on my own with him. He shrugged, said something about me being a cow and walked away, I did say sorry for what I said, but to be honest I still feel that I meant what I said(didn't tell him that). I'm sorry this is so long, but there is loads more I could say, I just don't want to take up all your day lol. What do you guys think? Am I really a cow for thinking this or should we go our seperate ways?

Any advice would be great
Emmi

[Raymond]

You've come to the end of your tether Emmi and you are saying things you might regret. Your husband seems to have a lot of problems from his childhood and sorting these out will be a great boost to you marriage if he was willing. One doesn't have to be the prisoner of their upbringing. I agree the porn etc. is mental cheating. I always call it mental adultery. It doesn't help a marriage. There is a lot about that on here.

I had a bad upbringing as well as being put in an orphange as a baby, moved around here there and everywhere, but God is faithful if you give Him your life. He is the great healer of past hurts. I am amazed at what He does. I should have been on the rubbish heap but He takes you from the rubbish heap and puts you among princes. I've been through things I couldn't speak of, but they have all gone from me.

I don't think you will be able to change him Emmi. He must want to change from within. You can change yourself as you have done to a certain extent and that should make him want to change. Try and not get too isolated from friends etc. You need a bit of a life seperately, a bit of relief.

I don't like to preach on here too much but if you push me I will tell you where the hope comes from.

Raymond

[Emmi]

I understand what you mean about him changing. Since I was so young and naive when we met, I thought I could change him because he was always saying he wanted to change but didn't know how. I'll admit it took me a very long time to realise I couldn't do it, that it had to come from him. We both come from very different backgrounds, from upbringing to even religion, but I thought we would even be able to meet in the middle. That has not happened, if he doesn't get his own way then it's huffs and sulks all the way and life is miserable. At the beginning he carried on the way his Father did and lifted his hands a few times, I defended him, first through the love I felt for him, then because of the way he was brought up ( thought I could change him) ,then through fear. This continued for a couple of years and I thought I hid it well, until one night when the Police kicked the door in and we discovered my 5 year old Daughter had heard him hitting me and called 999. He went to anger management and counselling and has never even lifted a finger since then 15 years ago. He begged me to stay and work things out, and because I saw he was changing and in a big way, I stayed on the condition that if he lashed out ever again I was gone.

To cut a long story short, he has never physically hurt me again, he has and is emotionally and psycologically hurting me, making promises and never keeping them, lying (even tiny ones) and then saying things like, I want to sort this out, I'll sort out a counsellor,then when I ask if he's called one he'll say well your the one who has problems with me why don't you do it. But if I mention that I've enquired about counselling he'll say that he wants us to try work it out ourselves. I did tell him that he was giving the impression that he didn't want things to get sorted and mentioned going our seperate ways, but he keeps telling me he loves, doesn't want to be without me and his life would mean nothing if I wasn't in it.

I read on here someone who mentioned seeing other couples being loving towards each other, I see things ike that and I am jealous, I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. To the outside world my Hubby can seem Mr Perfect, but that is a publicity act, don't get me wrong he does tell me several times a day he loves me and that I'm beautiful, but to me that is only words as he always said that then did something to hurt me. I don't trust him in the slightest and I have very little respect for him. I would never hurt him, but I feel that he has changed me with his behaviour in a way I don't like. I have been meeting with the Elders from Church as I want to go back to the person I used to be and be more "believing" I seem to have lost the ability to forgive and was always looking for closure on the things from the past, but could never find it. ( past sins were never spoken about, I had to "ignore" it as Hubby put it). I also feel I have to decide on priorities as my disabilities are becoming worse and I worry about my marriage so much I have no time to look after myself properly. I know a lot of people think I'm mad to stay, but I was brought up with the belief that Marriage is for life and I would like it if things could be sorted so that it was.

Thank You for listening to such a long story

Emmi

[Raymond]

It's never a bad idea to build up your faith in God Emmi. He is an ever present help in time of need if we are wanting His ways. It's funny how a lot of women accept someone with obvious faults as they think they can change them, but it doesn't work that way. They can be changed when you don't try to change them. The scripture shows you can do it by your life not by your words or nagging, so it is a good idea to build yourself up. God makes a way where there is no way. I think your husband is very needy but does He want to walk the way of truth deep down? I don't know. I think if you set the right course there will be opportunities for him to make decisions as he notices things about you. I've seen worse than him turn right around when faith comes. For the moment you have to forget it and not take the whole burden of your marriage. Aren't we supposed to cast our burdens on Him for He cares for us? I have found that to be true.

Raymond