Shes left me but I need to know if shes been seeing someone else

[Gizmo]

Hello all,

This is my first time on the site and I have found it quite schocking... That is the fact that the things that people are saying and that they report that their ex has said are so similar to my own situation its scary...

Breif history.. Basically me and my wife would have been married for 4 years this year and together for 5 years. We had an amazing relationship and we were often the envy of alot of couples as we were always so close and loving and so tolerent of each other and everything..

Basically she left me on my birthday (2 months ago) and I got all the same things I have been reading on this site.. I dont love you as much as you deserve, I need to move on, I have been re-evaluating my life etc etc all the same things that I have read. She also told me when she left that I had been neglecting some of her needs (she was right about that, but I was depressed at the time and didnt undersatnd). And that she had fallen out of love with me... She had been planning it as I know a friend of mine knew about this 3 days before I did at least.

So now its been two months and she has basically cut off contact with me or any friends who directly link to me. She has been over twice since this happened only for about an hour each time. The first time I was hoping that she would come back but the second time she came over apparently as she was keen to chat but had nothing specific to say. So I then said we couldnt live like this and mentioned divorce. At that point she got upset and left.. Since then I have had small emails from her (which is the first time she has inititaed contact) just saying hi..

Now most people I talk to about this say that shes not coming back and I should give up hope and all shes doing is trying to make herself feel better by trying to let me down gently.. shes said the whole "I want to be friends " thing, you are my best friend etc... However after reading a few posts (Mike999) whose situation was almost exactly identical.. it seems that in most cases they leavee has been seeing someone else but doenst know how to say it... Im really scared of this and am actually meeting with friend of mine who it COULD be.. im really scared.. I know that every person and situation is different but can anyone shed any light.. Am I being paranoid. I have asked her if she was seeing someone and she said no and I believed her.. But im not so sure any more. It seems that if she had an affair it would make much morse sence out of what has happened as her leaving me just because she fell out of love and doesnt want to try and fix it doesnt sit right with me..

So confused.. half of me now wants a divorce and to move on but my heart says its not over yet and shes just confused (she lost her last parent a few months ago).. But like alot of people here I pleaded with her to see a counciller or at least try and fix this and shes not interested... Any advice or words will help.. i find it just helps me to get various perspectives.. Plus I dont actually know anyone whos been through this..

[lonelylass]

Hi Gizmo,

It seems the cheating partner has a book of common excuses regards affairs (see 'what are they really saying' post). Many of us here have heard it and been there. In fact, I have yet to read any that I recall who have not found out about an affair at some point, apart from abuse, I think affairs are one of the most common reasons.

Has she given you an inclination that she wants to come back? If not, then I would advise you to try (and it's not easy) and move on without her. It is all too easy to wait and wait, living in the hope that our loved ones really will return, clinging on to every word and often taking it out of context to feed that hope within us.
You have your suspisions, I have mine from what you have written, just be prepared. My H denied it for months and only came clean when it suited him for financial reasons (ie splitting the house etc), despite my providing him with evidence months before. They are cowards and don't realise how much hurt they are causing by leaving us dangling, if only they would speak the truth, one blow would be better than half a dozen.

I hope this is some help to you, if not much comfort. Keep posting.

Thinking of you. Lola x

[Gizmo]

Hi Lola,

Thankyou very much for your reply.

I only have my suspicisions because she has pretty much stopped all contact and I have been left to fearthe worst. Plus it justseems to make sense from what people have been saying. I still dont want to believe it..

We really did have something special and I cant imagine her doing such a thing. But I guess if she has fallen out of love with me then it makes sense she doesnt want to be alone.

Yet if I am wrong and I start seeing someone to move on and she finds out about it. That really is the marrige over.

I just find it difficult to come to terms with the fact that I have done very little wrong (nothing that cant be worked on) and im not even getting a second chance.

But the more I read on forums like this the more it seems that she has had an affair. As I say its just scary the similarity of what people have said on here and what she and me have said back.

Oh well we will see what happens I guess.. But i heard she has had her mail re-directed.. which i think says alot. And no she has given no indication that shes coming back.. And yes I do hang on her every word.. But thats cos I still love her even though she doesnt feel like that for me any more.

Thankyou for your words again.. Its nice to know other people have been through this and im not alone.

[lonelylass]

Hi Gizmo,

Of course you still love her, she was a big part of your life and unlike them those of us left behind to pick up the pieces of broken relationships, can't just switch our feelings off.

You will feel better soon, it just takes something inside of you to start the self preservation instinct and you'll start liking and living for you again.

Take Care,
LoLa x

[Gizmo]

Thanks for the reply lonley lass..

I sent her proccedures on divorce today and shes pretty much said thats it..

Itsvery sad and i dont know why she wont give me a chance or wants to work on it.. Im still scared shes been seeing someone else but i guess it doesnt matter any more..

:o( am very sad and lonely without her

[lonelylass]

Hi Gizmo,

Just wait and see, don't rush into anything yet until you are ready. I would suggest yuo get out and about with friends, or by yourself (I did and it's bloody scary after 18yrs of marriage) but it helps no end an you never know, you may meet someone else, make new friends.

Keep posting, thinking of you,

Lola x

[pip]

i am going through something similar right now, my wife of almost 2 years, (been together for 8)says exactly the same to me. This all came out just this past saturday. she will not admit anything, and i trust her but i have checked her phone records and there is one # that keeps texting her. I am lost without her. she says she just needs space because she is confused. I am stuck in limbo.
I have a good quote " Life is a mystery to be lived not a problem to be solved"
it is all a mystery to me as i did not see it coming

[Dee73]

Hi just joined this forum and i am going thru the exact same scenario, you have my complete sympathy. It is so difficult not knowing what is going on inside the other persons head. How can you ever be sure they are telling the truth when they say they have just changed and they are not having an affair. I have been in a relationship for 12 years, we have always been so happy, never argued and would be the couple least likely to encounter any problems. How wrong can you be???? Anyway I hope you work things out, whatever happens and always remember you are not alone. I am finding it hard to get my head round things at the moment, good days and bad days, there are days all you want to do is cry, but i'm sure things will get better.