Heartbroken

[Ronnie]

My wife and i will have been married for 20 years this June & we have 3 children. We went through a rough patch 12 years ago when my wife had an affair and asked for a divorce but we worked through it and patched things up. My job used to involved a lot of traveling and time away from home but 2 years ago i got a promotion which meant i now travel rarely so i am now at home most of the time. My wife seems to find this difficult to deal with. I noticed the cracks re-appearing 18 months ago and just before Christmas she asked me for a divorce once again. I was devastated but after talking things through we agreed to get through Christmas and talk again. Christmas was OK but things were not right and soon went from bad to worse. We both took legal advise and things got really bitter. Things have calmed down but this weekend was the first time that we have actually sat down and talked properly. She has told me that she feels trapped and just wants to be on her own with the kids. She wants us to sell the house and separate but not divorce yet. Does this mean she is still not sure what she wants? She tells me that she still loves me and thinks the world of me but needs to be on her own. She also told me that she has had counseling to be sure that she is making the right decision. Apparently the councilor told her that although the positives outweigh the negatives she cannot cope with not being in total control with me being around all the time so a break is the right decision. I am heartbroken. My wife is the love of my life. We met when we were both teenagers & i expected to spend the rest of my life with her. Our youngest daughter is severely disabled and this has also put a great strain on our relationship at times but I have tried everything to save the marriage to no avail.I have resigned myself to the fact that i am fighting a loosing battle but the fact that she is not worried about a divorce does offer me a glimmer of hope or am i being a fool?

[SadBill]

I think that you can continue to try tot save something, but once your wife has made up her mind, then its over. Even if you have managed to stave this off in the past, as it seems to be a recurring thing, then maybe its time to call it a day. You seem like a very courageous person, full of forgiveness and love, but she seems to have made a choice.
God bless you in your journey.
Bill

[val100]

Bill no I think your wife has a routine of coping on her own as you were away a lot, you both have a lot to deal with with you disabled child.

You see this may not be about not loving you but about having to find the room to fit you in and meet your needs.

I know a little about this as my H lived away for a year while he finished his degree, he was home very weekend (at this point our relationship wasn't bad) I found it so hard when he came home as my routine was upset, he seemed to be everywhere and I had to account for my every move (not in a bad way) I have a few friends whos h work away for months at a time and they all say the same thing.

We miss them and long for them to come home but then we need them gone because they want all we can give them but they don't realise we have filled our day with work, kids bills etc everything that other couples share we are doing on our own then ye come home and it is like having another job.
I think your wife is overwhelmed by her life and now you being home all the time is a real responsibility She possibly can't find room for you as she is stretched as it is.
Her counsellor is seeing this too but your W probably can't say I don't have room for you because it makes you sound like you are worthless. Your Wife need a break full stop. Step back and hope that she will find the space.

[Raymond]

Can't understand it Ronnie. So long as you are allowing her to do what she needs to do it is all still within the relationship why the big upheaval. You have your work to do as well. Adjustment takes a little time because of the new situation but this is just another test for the strength of the marriage. What comes first the marriage or the routine? New routines come and go but the marriage should override all these things. Once you are well related you can enjoy the silence of not speaking all the time if necessary because you know you are together. There is a bigger problem underneath I feel than what is being given as the problem.

Raymond