Does anyone understand how I feel?

[jools]

Hi everyone

In a pensive mood today and just wanted to share my thoughts with people who might understand. June 2008 will mark two years since my family was torn apart and my H left. May 2008 will be our silver wedding anniversary (as I still haven’t got around to divorcing him). Since last October I’ve been having a long distance relationship with a man who is 10 years younger than me and the chemistry between us is amazing. I get to stay with him every other weekend but he hasn’t been to my house yet – mainly because I’d find it strange – though my girls say they’d love to meet him. He’s an amazing lover and a really good friend – but I’ve just got this feeling that it won’t last. I don’t think I’ll ever love him.

So what’s my problem? I dunno. Things just feel strange. Although my H betrayed me (and is now on his own) I find it strange lying in this other man’s bed knowing that my girls are with their dad doing family type things – though only sometimes cos they’re both upper teens. But still, I just still get bugged by the whole fragmented family feeling that feels so wrong. Knowing that we can’t celebrate family occasions as a united family. I’m struggling to express what I’m feeling. I just hope that eventually my life will feel “normal” all of the time. Maybe that’ll only happen when I meet someone that I truly fall in love with. I dunno. I just feel confused today. Just this feeling that life’s not gonna be how it was meant to be. I know that nothing in life’s guaranteed: you can lose your money, your house, your job – anything – but you should always be able to count on your family being there for you. That’s what I can’t get my head past. And that’s why I don’t think I’ll ever be able to meet him as a friend because I can’t accept what he’s done to his lovely family. Anyone out there understand what I’m saying?
Jools X

[SadBill]

this isnt really an answer to your question, but I guess we all have days where we get so confused. Funny... May is the same time as my wedding anniversary, but I like you will have nothing to celebrate. It still breaks my heart though, that the person that I thought I'd be spending the rest of my life with, is the one that has killed me. I know, I am not a product of her terrible infidelities, but my life has been irrecconcilibly altered by her selfish actions. And yet, here I am, in work on a sunday surrounded by the guys and I feel lost, lonely, hurt and betrayed, but shattered. Confusion? you betcha.
God bless though, we can pull through.

[aqua]

Hi jools

"Just this feeling that life’s not gonna be how it was meant to be."

oh yes, I understand this!

"I don’t think I’ll ever be able to meet him as a friend because I can’t accept what he’s done to his lovely family.

Oh my! I understand this too!!!! I haven't seen my H face to face since November and I never talk to him. I don't want to be his friend. I do hear on the grapevine that H has a hard time with this! That's his problem.

Just my take on things, but I think it's because we still love our spouses and have yet to let go completely. (if that is at all possible.) That's why I've now decided to stay single and not date because I know I would have all the feelings you are having, Jools.

Funny, I was thinking about this today as well. Usually I push all these thoughts away as it's too painful.

Even though I have got on with my life very successfully , have control and am petetioning for divorce I have a strange feeling about it all. It doesn't feel normal.

Jools, you were one of the very important people to me on here last year, you helped me through the dark times. Just wanted to let you know.

Take care
aqua

[nik1h]

Jools

I can relate in many ways, especially not been friends.

Why do they expect this? Destroy our lives then want to be buddies. What next, ask for our opinion on prospective future partners. Grrrrrr


The fragmented family bit is dead right too. I spend loads of time with son but it just isn't right without the complete family unit involved.

No answers but yes I understand how you feel


Take care


Nick

[aqua]

"Destroy our lives then want to be buddies"

possibily to ease their guilt??? :confused:

I know I'll never be friends with my husband. I don't like the person he is now. I have plenty of friends why do I need another? :p;)

aqua

[jools]

Thanks for your replies and kind words. Thanks for what you said, Aqua. It's quite humbling to think that things that we communicate in this way can actually have an impact on people's lives. Yes it seems as if we all realise the horrible "fragmented family" feeling. But I honestly thought that my H also thought like that. It's scary how wrong we can be about people.

Having, like a lot of you, decided not to nurture a "friendship" with my H I wonder what will happen with any future weddings or graduations. That's gotta be the time that it sucks the most. Especially since I have 2 teenage daughters. Do you sit together? Play "friends" for the day? It's awful that what should be the landmark happiest times will become (for us) probably the saddest. It's not like he's even got anyone else anymore - that novelty fizzled out. In fact, he's living with a bloke that he couldn't stand when we were together - (but he's separated from his wife too). I just don't get it.

I sometimes think that I want to meet to just air all these thoughts. To see whether he still thinks what he did was the right thing. Not that I would ever want him back - that's out of the question for all sorts of reasons. When all this first kicked off he wasn't capable of facing me and answering questions - but I wonder if two years down the line he might be up to it. What do you reckon, gang? Waste of time? Or maybe a chance to lay some ghosts? Be interested to hear your opinions on this.
Love Jools XX

[teacherman]

Hi Jools

I am in the same position (Although it was my wife that had the affiar and we divorced) I have 2 grown up daughters 19 and 22. I know how you feel about get togethers/weddings etc.

For the sake of my kids i have decided that if the occasion arises i would have to meet the Ex and we would have to be civil with each other. I too want to meet to air my thought and see if she thinks she did the right thing but, like you, I too have found someone else and is is now at the back of my mind.

It is no good dwelling on the past, you have got to move onward and upward. If any future occasion means you have to be together for your kids then just grin and bear it.

This happened to me at Xmas and my daughters birthday in January. The way I played it was to show my wife I had moved on with my life and was happy, probably the happiest I have been for a long time. It hurt doing this as I still had massive feelings for her but it showed her that she just couldnt walk all over me.

Remember, If you were to meet, you would be doing it on an occasion that is special to your kids, not the two of you. Dont let what happened between you spoil what should be a special day for them.

2 years down the line, do you really need answers to those questions or do you want to move on with your life. Would the answers he gave you make you feel any different?

Hope this helps a little

Tim

[912jws]

Hi Jools/Everyone,

I think at the end of the day when you are the one that's been shat on there will always be them thoughts, I still have a long way to go yet as we only seperated a couple of months back, I still have the kids/family thoughts but I think Tim's words are wise and ultimately time is the healer and you are still struggling but you will only be ready when you are ready in your own heart/mind, it sounds like you need some closure to enable you to move on so the friendship thing may help you?
I hope it doesn't take that much longer for you to be in a better place, you could always take a leaf from billy's book and just say fck him :D
Perhaps in time we can become friends with our partners again who knows?
In the meantime I will take the occaisional tip from Billy just to keep her on her toes ;)

Jon