Dark clouds, rain and nothingness.

[tiredteacher]

I wish I could write something profound about how I feel – write poetry or a beautiful song. But all I can see are dark clouds, rain and nothingness. The end of something. Probably my marriage. The spark has gone.

I haven’t got the strength to do anything – not to put it right – or to walk away. I am not really sure I want to put it right. There are so many things I want to do – things to try. I know I will never do them as long as things stay as they are. As long as I stay here.

I feel trapped. I want to run away. But there is nowhere to go – no one to go with – no hope of anything better.

I cant explain the way I feel – I feel guilty for feeling like this as I know he thinks he loves me and does everything for me, but life is so mundane. I love work – but I come home and feel cold. I don’t want to come home some nights, I want to go out, be with other people – have fun and feel young.

I promised him when we married that I would never resent him for marrying so young and giving up my freedom – but I do. (He is 54, I am 31, we have been married for 12 years (together for 17) and we have 3 children) I resent him for so many things. For feeding me – for making me fat – for making me forget who I am. For being trapped – for not allowing me to go out and for looking at me like I am guilty of something terrible when I have done nothing wrong. The more emotional blackmail he puts on me – the more I want to run away. – but the less strength I have to do it.

Is it wrong to say that I am unhappy? Should I keep my thoughts to myself? I wasn’t surprised to find him writing a note with a knife in his hand. He knew I would come downstairs and find him like that. He wouldn’t have actually gone through with it – it was all to make me take everything I had said back – which I did. But what a price to pay. To quietly stay unhappy for the rest of my life – or to call his bluff. If he went through with it I would have taken a father away from his children and it would be all my fault. We have had some good times, but not for a long time.

Could I go and leave my children? Could I stay here with them on my own? I don’t think I could do either. What does that leave – unhappiness forever.

All I do know - is that I am not happy. Is facebook really the only social life I have to look forward to? I am going to waste the best years of my life in front of a computer screen watching rubbish on the telly – whilst he is on the phone or moans at me. If I don’t have the screen – what have we got to talk about? Nothing – or I sit and listen to him as he talks about things I have no interest in.

I cant talk about things that interest me – he is jealous of my career. I understand that, but that is not my fault. He tries to find another job – but the constant failure makes him miserable. He has always wanted not to work so that he would have time to do things that he enjoys. He has the time, but no drive to do anything. The house is a mess, floors not vacuumed, bathrooms not cleaned, washing not put away. He says he does everything, but in reality what does this mean? He cooks food that I don’t like and make me fat. But I cant say anything as he gets upset. He buys me flowers and chocolate, but I don’t want them. They wont make it better. They just come with more emotional blackmail.

He is not the man I married. I am not that young girl anymore either.

I love him. I always will. But I am not in love with him anymore. What happens now?

[Alice Alice]

You don't have to get a divorce just move out bring the kids make sure you advise a lawyer.
Take charge don't sit there like the little match girl slowly dieing.

Move move get up and do something

I'm actually scared for you...a knife????

[Lost-Soul]

You need to think of yourself and your kids, both you and your husband are making each other profoundly unhappy. Sounds like you both need councilling. The problem being you want out and your husband doesent. The suicide bid was emotional blackmail. You must be feeling very trapped by your circumstances. You have to talk to him explain your feelings tell him how unhappy you are. Sounds like he is depressed as well, get him to see a GP. My heart goes out to the pair of you. Take care.

[Raymond]

Don't give up your job whatever you do. He obviously loves you but there is a bit of control there which is not good. When I first read your post I thought, this can be sorted, a few adjustments made, until I read that he was sitting there with a knife pretending that he was going to kill himself. That is extreme manipulation and not good. You have a battle on your hands are going to have to call his bluff. I recommend a long war rather than a quick battle. A drive to do what you need to do. Try and not get isolated from others. You don't want to live an unreal life. You are obviously taking stock of the situation and something now has to happen. Go for it. Arrange your own diet. Don't eat what you don't want to. It's your body and you are the only one responsible for it. He may be offended but it can be done in a cheerful way. You can still have a life within your marriage but you need to be strong.

Raymond

[upsetandangry]

OMG I have just read your post and you are describing my life. I know about the suicide attempts and threats, the jealousy of your career, him trying to do stuff around the house and not doing it right, eating to make you fat - I am there I know (read an earlier post so see how bad it got several yars ago) - I cried when i read it!!

You are not alone - do not give up the career or the children. You need to take a step back and do what you want. I asked my husband (of 14 years , together for 19) to move out 4 weeks ago - he did for a week and then came back on the sofa for 3 weeks trying to be some super husband with the house etc but it was not enough - he then realised I meant it and has moved in with his mum but is very angry and goes through stages of calling me every name under the sun ( mainly how i am breaking up the family (3 children also) his drinking has always been the 3rd wheel in our marriage.

For the first time i am feeling clear in my head - i want me back and this is the first stage and so must you everybody has the right to be happy.

Good luck and be strong

[tiredteacher]

Hi, thanks for your messages.

When I sat down and wrote my initial post yesterday, I had no intention of putting it on a forum of any kind - it was just a release of everything that I was feeling. When I read it back to myself I thought I would just find out if what is going on in my life/my marriage was normal.

TBH I was a bit shocked this morning to read the replies. I feel so scared. To hear other people agree that things aren't right.

When I read through other posts from people who were upset because their husbands didn’t love them anymore, I didn’t think I would get any support for being on the other end.

I have had the most awful thoughts - to find an easy bit of happiness by having an affair. I haven’t had one -just thought about the possibility. I suppose it is a coward's solution. Finding a bit of self esteem from someone else, feeling wanted, without having to confront the actual problems.

I looked up divorce on the internet. I would have no grounds for one. If I had an affair and he found out - it would force the issue.

But I come from a broken home - and he was divorced before. It mucks kids up. I look at my 3 and they are not an easy bunch. All 3 have special needs of one type or another. I know I can not be a single mum. It is just too hard. If we split up we would lose everything I have worked for. We couldn't afford to stay in this house - the mortgage is my entire monthly salary (teachers are seriously underpaid!!!)


I sound so evil. I'm not really. Just so very unhappy.

[val100]

Evil is not what you are.

I have just started a blogg. I read what you wrote and although my story is different I understand the frustration of your situation.

i started the blogg so I could write it as a story something i could just read back and say what a read, I wanted to write why and how and use the descriptions that sum it up. Here are my friends it would sound all to dramatic to say it in colour to them.

If you aren't going to leave then you are going to have to compromise yourself and try to find some happiness.

i agreee divorce is tragic on the kids I have 4 it is hurting them.
But it would be worse on them if you stay and don't fix this situation, your kids are then growing up in a disfunctional home.

You have come up with reasons to stay all very practical but not convincing juts excuses really.
My heart goes out to you you are trapped but you know you are the only one with the key.

Keep posting on here they are a great bunch.

no affairs they make things a million times worse trust me

[jools]

Hi tiredteacher (I'm one myself - and go back to school tomorrow!)

You weren't much more than a child yourself when you got married. It's not surprising that you're feeling like you are. Just out of curiosity, how old are your children? I can see how you feel trapped while you have the children to look after (especially as they have special needs). Just wondering how long it will be before they're less dependent on you.
Jools X

[tiredteacher]

ha ha - yes school tomorrow -actually i am really looking forward to it!

My children are 11, 10 and 6. 2 boys and a girl.

(I was wondering how long it would take for someone to work out the maths of my situation! lol)

[SadBill]

Tired teacher, my heart goes out to you... blooging is great, I have one and I read others all the time to see how others cope. Perhaps if you sit with him and let him know whats going on he may start to see you for what you are, a beautiful, life filled young person.
All the best with your situation.

[Raymond]

TT I wondered what was the reason he gave for the attempted suicide not? Maybe it will throw a little light on the matter. He obviously has personal problems that need to be sorted. Someone has suggested marriage counseling and I can see the sense in that. We are all telling you things but you need someone to speak to you both, someone who is not involved but can see the obvious.There is obviously an esteem problem in my view stemming from his lack of employment which is probably the reason he cannot take criticism. He is keeping you in a goldfish bowl that would probably be obvious to a counselor. He needs advice as well. It is often another person that can throw light on something that we may not receive from our wives.

He is not fattening you up so that you will not be attractive to someone else by any chance? Just a thought. My wifes actually. There is some insecurity there.

Raymond

[tiredteacher]

I totally see the sense in what you say. I am so scared to suggest seeing someone about our problems - I suppose because I think they will tell me i am being unreasonable. He is such a charmer with other people. But he dominates conversation and i feel that i cant say what i really mean in front of him.

I tried to tell him that i was unhappy. That was the night of the suicide 'thing'. He made me feel that i was totally in the wrong. He gives me 3 million reasons why he is right -to the point that i cant remember what the problem was - until i am on my own again - and it is all too obvious.

The thing with food - is i am sure - exactly what you have suggested. I was a size 12 (British) when we married. I am now a size 24. We have arguments about it so many times - he wouldn't let me buy any low fat mayonnaise for my packed lunch. I finally managed to buy some - but he swapped it back to full fat.

He buys those big share bars of cadburys chocolate - my favourite. He waits until it is late and i have been working on the computer for a few hours - then brings it to me. He knows when my will is weak. If i say that i don't want any he gets upset - says he got it especially etc etc.

On the night i said i was unhappy - he said that he had tried not to buy me chocolate! - what a thing to say! How hard is it not to buy chocolate for someone else?

I am going to suggest seeing someone - it might take me a couple of days to find the courage - but i will. - i think.

[Raymond]

You need to TT. You are not happy. He has to listen. He is insecure but using the wrong solutions. If something loves you let it go and it will come back stronger. He is doing the opposite. You should not have to suffer because of his insecurities. He obviously loves you but is scared to lose you which is flattering in a way but stifling as it's not allowing you to be free in yourself. I think you have to continue to let him know and suggest marriage counseling. They will see the problem straight away provided he is honest with them and doesn't try to bluff his way out with his charm. I would continue to try and keep your right weight and confidence. You can respond to his good points and encourage them but you must resist this control and manipulation. It will kill everything in the end and has already gone part way in doing that it seems. Real love doesn't seek it's own but the other person. My highest goal is to see my wife happy. It always comes back to me.

Keep posting and let us know how it goes.

Raymond