Coping with bereavement at a wedding

[Unregistered]

My chief bridesmaid was killed instantly one evening in November when she was hit by a bus whilst walking home from a restaurant. The bus driver had a heart attack. She was the person who I always turned to for support in my relationship and was deeply involved in planning the wedding.

She would not want her death to spoil the wedding, but it would seem somehow wrong not to acknowledge all the help and support she has given us. Any ideas how we can do this whilst being sensitive to the feelings of mutual friends who might find this is inappropriate and without initiating a flood of concern or questions from people who didn't know her - when it really won't be the right time to explain to them what happened?

[Kate]

What a tragedy for you and for her family! There are two obvious places to acknowledge your friend.

If you are having a church wedding, you could talk to the minister and see if he could mention her in the address he gives. You might consider also having a flower arrangement specifically in her memory in the church.

If you are having a civil ceremony you could consider using a favourite song or poem of hers.

In both situations you might include mention of your friend in the speeches, perhaps when the bridesmaids are thanked.

It should be possible to refer to her sensitively at some point on your special day remembering with thankfulness what she meant to you. Keeping the comments brief would probably help to avoid too much comment or questions.

Referring to her would seem very appropriate in the circumstances and while people may feel emotional about it, it may help them with their grief to have something said openly.

We hope you have a very special day.

Kate

[Rosalind]

I'd agree with all that Kate has said, with an extra suggestion. If your bridesmaid's family are coming to the wedding, perhaps they can think of a special way that you could remember her. Talk to them, as it may help both them and yourself.

My own dad died about 4 months before I married, and of course we missed him, and my uncle mentioned him in the speech he gave (we were married in a registry office not a church, so prayers were not said). It's true that there is a gap when someone special has died, and as you stated, she wouldn't have wanted to spoil your day, but it's still important to remember her and to acknowledge the help she gave you.