She has won. Im broken

[nik1h]

Hi all,

What can I say.

360 days after separation she has won.

1st feb she said about reconciliation. She retracted it the next day so I accepted divorce.

We talked and agreed custody arrangements (50/50) and financial split which was very much in my favour as she accepted it was my house before we married and it wasnt my fault marriage had failed.


Letter from her solicitor today

Claims her to be the primary carer, wants half of everything, wants spousal maintenance of £1 per month which I believe means it not a clean break and can be upped later.

Had the cheek to say in letter we had agreed verbally and to sign to get things started.

Devastation doesnt begin to express how i feel. Losing a wife i loved and cherished was bad enough. Keeping my home and a big chunk of my son was just about keeping me going.


She has ripped my heart out.

This really really is rock bottom.


Thanks for listening


Nick

[lonelylass]

Hi Nik,

This is how solicitors work I'm afraid, start arguments to make more money out of you both.

DON'T SIGN OR AGREE TO ANYTHING. A verbal agreement does not stand up in court and is irrelevant.

Get yourself down to a solicitor and fight back if this is the cowardly way she wants to play it.

Good Luck,

LoLa x

[Coffeebean]

Oh nick I am so sorry to hear this. Just want you don't want! I would have to agree with Lola. Just don't sign anything. When you've got nothing you've got nothing to loose! But I think this is more about the hurt your feeling than protecting your rights and your child. When your ready you'll pick up the batton. But till then I am so sorry for the horribleness (is there such a word?) of what she has done to you. It seems to me when they do everything you think possibly you find there is something else. Keep strong just know it will soon come to an end but also someone who will do this will make it really difficult to see your child unless it is clearly written in black and white/ I don't wish to judge I don't know the woman but it seems as if she will just be cruel to get at you and may use your visitng rights to do so.

Keep strong Nick your a great person and so don't deserve this.

[nik1h]

Thanks for the support. The batton is rolling away from me. The law is a complete ass.

Really not in a good place

[Susan Strict]

Feet on ground. Remember what you had BEFORE you had her. You still have it. It wasn't so bad then, and it won't be so bad now once the feeling of loss subsides.

Yes, I know: it's easy to say and hard to do. In many ways it's worse than someone dying, because you know she's still out there and you want her (and losing someone close is something I know very well - four years now that I lost my eldest son suddenly and it still hurts). I feel for you, and I know that the only constructive advice is to be hard-headed and move on. Think of yourself, not her. You're not broken, you're damaged, and you can heal yourself if you are determined to do it. Get angry. Be angry. And don't show your anger to anyone except yourself until it's right out of your system.

[nik1h]

Feet on ground. Remember what you had BEFORE you had her. You still have it. It wasn't so bad then, and it won't be so bad now once the feeling of loss subsides.

Yes, I know: it's easy to say and hard to do. In many ways it's worse than someone dying, because you know she's still out there and you want her (and losing someone close is something I know very well - four years now that I lost my eldest son suddenly and it still hurts). I feel for you, and I know that the only constructive advice is to be hard-headed and move on. Think of yourself, not her. You're not broken, you're damaged, and you can heal yourself if you are determined to do it. Get angry. Be angry. And don't show your anger to anyone except yourself until it's right out of your system.

Not quite the case. I waited a long long time to meet miss right (im 39)
I think im reasonably good looking but lack major confidence.

My wife came along and filled every critera of a very difficult check list. Soul mate (as for all u out there too i guess)

Through a very topsy turvey year ive never quite given up and there have been lots of signs of it not been as real a split as it seemed. Even accepting that i've been driven on by my very good relationship with son. Now she is taking my home away. This home was my soul, my dream. I bought in 97, a large large garden. Perfect for a child/chldren. I waited patiently. It happened, he happened. Nearly 2 but alas one departed us. For 3 years i've worked like a dog, shifts, long hours yet come home and bounded round the garden with son, shattered but with as much energy as i could muster.


She is now taking it away. We may well end up with £30,000 each but what can that buy me?

Keeping this house was my last bit of sanity. |The last chance for my son to inherit something cos she will just fritter the money away and i cant afford to buy owt else.


Rant over

[lonelylass]

Hi Nick,

Have a look at this website : www.divorceaid.co.uk (http://www.divorceaid.co.uk) you can get some good advice from there.

Who says she is taking your home away? You need to get legal advice, it maybe that you can come to some agreement and buy her out like I am trying to do here. It's not impossible.

You really need to think about what you want now, and that initially means keeping your home and having regular access to your son then fight for it.

My H and I are remaining reasonably mutual (he knows he is in the wrong) so it's easier for me for now I know, but you really need to get some fighting spirit. I know you are hurt but in time you will feel better.
It's very difficult to deal with legal issues and so forth when you are still not over the emotional stage, but you must, or she will win.

Thinking of you,
LoLa x

[val100]

You lost a child.

Oh my god, I am so sorry. I would lose my H a thousand times over rather than suffer that loss.

Sign nothing, Contact your Wife explain you want to have mediation it can work.

her solicitor has advisd her to go for this as the maintainence order therefore can be adjusted again and he will have told her go for everything.

I have also been advised to go for primary custody, it isn't all that bad but you want shared and I think you should have shared custody. It just means that you have rights but she can take your child with her if she wanted to leave the country, she gets to make all the decisions but you also get to see him.

My H can be very psycho (hate to say it) I want primary custody as I am afraid he may go loopy one day and refuse to hand them back to me. It happened once before the police couldn't help me it was terrifying for me and my son. I cannot describe the feeling, my son will never forget it (how we can F**k them up so easily by our own stupidity and anger).
He is their dad and I don't want to shut him out of their lives or hurt him anymore. Solicitors are mostly out for the quick buck (not all I have a very good one more like a counsellor than a solicitor and he didn't bother charging me ). I have decided not to do it unless I really have to.
You have to pull yourself together and fight this I am sorry to say.

Get tough.

[teacherman]

Hi Nik - Sorry I havent posted to you for a while been a bit pre-occupied.

Tough talking time from one Yorkshire lad to Another (No offence is intended)

Stop P***ing around - Get yourself to a solicitor now. She is messing with your head and playing you for a fool and your son is in the middle of all this.

You need to take control of this situation before it starts to take control of you. You did nothing wrong, fight for everything, The house, your son and everything else.

To many of us that are wronged just lie down and let people walk all over us. Its as though we paint a big sign on our heads saying "I am a mug - Come and take advantage of me"

Get some back bone mate - I know it hurts, damm me I have been there, bought the T shirt, Watched the video etc.

In the long run you will be better off. Trust me, it takes time, but you can become the man you once where, if not even better.

10 months down the line I have found a new me in lots of respects. I am happier, Look after myself a lot better and things are going well.

They will for you too, but you have got to learn to Fight, Sorry to say it mate but dont let the B**ch grind you down. Your worth a lot more than this.

Tim

[val100]

Got to go with the slut on that one. You are just going to have stamp your feet harder.
Kep strong, keep talking and get friends and family to supprt you

[nik1h]

Yes folkes I know. I would fight but the odds are against me.

I have already replied to her tapeworm with a firm 'NO' to her proposals for having half of everything.

The problem lies that she is entitled to half of everything. Yes i will fight but should it go before a judge to decide he may well award her 70%.

As for my son. i have spoke to a solicitor and its 5 grand MINIMUM to bring a custody battle to court. Dont have the money. She has legal aid so I am shafted all round

[912jws]

I didn't even think you could get a divorce for at least 2 years(seperated) unless there has been any abuse or proven adultery?
Stand up for yourself mate, I know I could be possibly in the same boat soon but don't let them take the pi$$.

Good luck!

Jon

[nik1h]

I didn't even think you could get a divorce for at least 2 years(seperated) unless there has been any abuse or proven adultery?
Stand up for yourself mate, I know I could be possibly in the same boat soon but don't let them take the pi$$.

Good luck!

Jon


Thanks.

Unfortunately unreasonable behaviour is one of the excuses for divorce. 5 statements required as to why spouse were unreasonable. Courts will accept anything and they are practically impossible to challenge. I know i've read hers!

[Alice Alice]

Dear nik1h

i'm with Val on the area of one of your babies died

this might be the reason why she wants to leave she might be grieving and might resent you so she lashes out at you

get your solicitor to get her help on this maybe you and her can go together for the sake of your living child,,,after all he needs his mom to speak well of his Dad

i think i would go insane if my baby died or almost
i had a cousin go through this and it was nothing more then a night mare

i will send you a prayer much love your way and a big big hug!!!

[teacherman]

Hey Nik
Check up on that legal aid issue again. I managed to qualify for it and I am on a decent salary.
The legal aid is calculated on your disposal income after all deductions are made, I.E. Mortgage, gas Electricity etc.

Might be worth while talking to your solicitor again. Mine in Bradford is/was excellent. If you want the details let me know.

Tim

[nik1h]

AliceVal,

I and her mother have tried and tried to get her help.

We did get her to go last august for about 4 sessions but she quit. I have offered to pay many times since. Her mother has too but she just says she doesnt want to talk about it. There really is nowhere left to go.

Tim,

I have checked myself online as well but when I do go to see tapeworm I will ask them to check my eligibility again

[aqua]

For others that are interested in the legal aid calculator it can be found here:-
http://www.communitylegaladvice.org.uk/en/legalaid/calculator.jsp

I didn't qualify for legal aid!

Hi Nik

My divorce papers from my 'husband' turned up a few weeks ago for me to look at. I laughed my head off at his reasons! There is no way I can avoid this divorce without it costing me thousands and for what? I will not let him divorce me by citing a load of lies, so I've put in my petition for adultery. The truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, m'lud!!

Teacherman is right, you have to take control now.
I have and I'm getting exactly what I want. The child assess has been sorted now to my satisfaction as my 'husband' didn't have a leg to stand on, and it's just the finances we are working through. However, I will decide the speed at which this divorce will take place. I will get what I want in the end. If H wants to get rid of me that bad then he'll agree to my terms.

I now look at this all like a business deal only.

Regards ....aqua

[Alice Alice]

i agree its all business now

you can't be the one holding the bag

even her mom said she needs help but she won't take the counseling and you should use this against her ..use the velvet hammer on this one

say she wants a divorce under false accusations because she is emotionally disturbed

if you could rebuild your marriage you would

she is forgetting there is another son and he is alive doesnt he count?

its all such a sad case of a woman grieving for her lost baby i think

[nik1h]

Hi Nik

My divorce papers from my 'husband' turned up a few weeks ago for me to look at. I laughed my head off at his reasons! There is no way I can avoid this divorce without it costing me thousands and for what? I will not let him divorce me by citing a load of lies, so I've put in my petition for adultery. The truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, m'lud

Aqua hello mi old muka,

You are so right. Why should he lie in the petition? You go for the counter petition of adultery!

If I was sure she had I would do the same. Makes no difference to the financial outcome though.

Got a reply from her tapeworm today saying we note your position and we will get back to her and get back to you. Had this letter before about petition and never got back to me. Dont think so this time though.

Just praying now for some luck.

Nah it will just get worse

[nik1h]

Confused Update.......


Mother in law texted tues saying wife had been. Dad in law has had a chat with her and now wanted to see me. Went last night.

Basically he asked about her life now, what destruction she was causing to her, me, son etc.

She told him she spends every moment possible with son (left him with MY mum tonight and picking him up at 10am to drop him back with them at 4pm! and wont see him again til wed teatime)

Says to him she still wants to give our marriage a go but but has to be from a clean start i.e. no looking back or talking about what went wrong!!!!! and it has to be a courtship.

Rememember a week ago I got letter from solicitor saying she wanted half of everything even though we agreed on settlement!

I have said prayers and maybe up to a point they have been answered but im sure Im severly confused.


More a rant than owt else


Nick

[val100]

Oh Nick your head must be all over the place. Why do they do this.
what do you want?

[nik1h]

If she is still wanting to give it a go after she has been to her mums tonight then Im to roll with it and see what happens.

Will let you know tonight

[nik1h]

Well folks,

I have just spent the day with wife, son and mother in law!

At times it was like we were still a normal married couple. We are supposed to be meeting as friends with a view to been .......well friends! To be honest aint got a clue what we are aiming towards.

Son was over the moon to see us together though.

More as and when I know

[912jws]

Well folks,

At times it was like we were still a normal married couple. We are supposed to be meeting as friends with a view to been .......well friends! To be honest aint got a clue what we are aiming towards.



I have got to admit Nik this must be really difficult for you, I don't feel like a married couple anymore when I spend the brief few moments with my wife and thats after just a few months apart and I know you are a lot further down the line, I feel awkward around her TBH, I don't know if you go full circle and start warming back to them after time?? who knows.
I think you need to take things as they come but to still continue moving forward and see how she responds to you :confused:

Jon