To catch a cheating wife

[Cooper]

Hi folks,
This is my first post here. I have come to believe my wife of 20 years may be cheating on me. All the signs are there. I need some help in finding the truth one way or the other. I have confronted her but of course she denies it. Short of hiring a private dect. I'm not sure what to do. I can't check her internet use because her name is listed as the account administrator and she wont tell me her password. I can't check her cell phone because it never ever leaves her hand. She even takes it in the bathroom with her. Funny how lots of time during the day(she doesn't work)when I can't reach her she will claim to of left her phone in the car or must of had of turned off. Here is the straw that finally broke my back. Five years ago my wife and her friends made a semi nude calender as a fund raiser. No front shots but lots of full back shots. I was furious with it but turned the other cheek after voicing my displeasure. I just found out my wife just gave one of these five year old calenders to some guy that works at a local diner where she and her friends meet for lunch. Her excuse was he heard the girls talking about it and asked if he could have one. Hell yes he wanted one!! I feel if she had any respect for me or our marriage she would never consider doing such a thing. Of course she says I'm making way to much out of these things. Am I wrong to be concerned? Would anyone put up with this kind of crap? I still love her but I have lost a lot or respect for her and I am to the point of walking out. Any words of advice. Thank you, Cooper

[912jws]

My wife had an emotional affair years ago, I knew something was going on, similar stuff to you with the phone etc/bills going missing.
In the end she made a mistake and left her phone on and I checked her texts and caught her, everyone will make a mistake eventually but looking back now I would ask her outright if anything is going on , apologise for asking her but you need to know if anything is going on. Ask to check her phone/pc etc and I know she might be annoyed about it but if she has nothing to hide then she wont have any problem showing you.
Also because you are instigating this it is probably best to say afterwards that you need to sit down and discuss what your issues are and try and sort them out.

Jon

[Raymond]

A difficult one Cooper. You don't want to be spying on her if theres nothing wrong. On the other hand your suspicions have been aroused. Doing a nude calender shows a taste for something off the track as those sorts of things are usually designed to tittilate the males. They sound glamorous but it is a step in the wrong direction.

Perhaps she has too much time on her hands and is wandering. Get a woman's view on it I say. They may understand her phsyce more. Now that your suspicions have been aroused you will be working on it more without appearing to spy and if theres anything it should come up, but don't go too far in case she is being faithful to you.

Raymond

[val100]

The phone is your key and trust me that is the way you will find out, unfortunately we all make that mistake of leaving it unattended for a moment.

If I ever marry again I am banning mobile phones seems to me more affairs are happeneing because of text messages.

Cooper the truth is you have to tell her you feel uncomfortable and explain why be honest and ask about her phone, or ask if you can borrow hers at a time when it is in her hand explain yours is playing up.
problem is it is all lies and damaging in the long run.

Best of luck, hope you are wrong

[Cooper]

Cooper here,
Thanks for your responses. My wife has always been the wild one while I am more conservative. I have spent a lot of years turning the other way to some of the things she does. The last couple of years she has become more and more detached from me and the kids, her friends always come first. We have argued about this many times. Even though I never said one word of complaint to her family, her parents and her sister have warned her she will end up divorced if she doesn't get her priorities straight. I was told by one of her friends that I needed to be careful because when she was out she didn't act like she was married. In the last month I have started putting my foot down and pointing out things she does that a married woman should not do. When I found out she had given this calender to some guy I told her that was the end and I think we need to end our marriage. I have asked her three times in the last week if she has been unfaithful and of course she says no, never. Last night she told me maybe we need to take a break from each other. We have talked about divorce several times in the last week. She claims to not want to split up but there is really no emotion on her part. I think she would miss the stability of our life but she wouldn't miss me. I think we have reached the end. Cooper
,

[Alice Alice]

Cooper
it all sounds too fishy to me...she is all ego, it seems
the things we love about our partners is often the same thing that drives us mad

i agree just point blank ask her for the phone and tell her you might be wrong but are willing to make up for it gratefully

if she refuses its a bad sign...and don't give her time to cover her tracks get her on that moment if drop hints about wanting to see the phone just ask her to respect your feelings

heck even tell her you will embarrass her by going to that guy who has the calendar to back off
Maybe she wants to see you fight for her ...some people are strange that way they need so much attention.

A family man is GOLD!!!!you are way better then any guy out there that she might be flirting with

all the best to you

[Cooper]

Cooper here,
Last night I was able to take a look at her phone while she was downstairs. Her logs were all clear, she must be deleting everything as she goes because she gets lots of calls and text messages.
We talked again last night and I asked her flat out if she wanted to get a divorce. She said she was on the fence and could go either way. She says I expect to much out of her and it has made her unhappy. We have always had a different view on how a marriage should be. I have always let her do whatever she has wanted while I picked up the slack here at home. Her father who I never thought liked me very much recently thanked me for all I have done for her and said"God bless you for sticking it out". Like I said in an earlier post I have never complained to her family but they are able to see how things have become. One of the things she mentioned during our divorce conversation is how she would have to sell her horses because she couldn't do it on her own. That was the most upset she got during the whole conversation. Truthfully I would try and help her keep them. I couldn't be so cruel and take away what she loves the most. I guess nice guys always finish last. Thanks again to all you folks for giving me an electronic shoulder to lean on. Cooper

[Cooper]

Cooper here,

Thursday evening my wife says she has to go to the bank and store. When she comes home three hours later it looks as if she has been crying. I ask her whats wrong and at first she says nothing then she says she was talking to her friend Barb about our problems and became upset. So Friday, Sat. and so far today her cell phone has been almost silent. This is a complete change from the way it's been. I can't help but wonder if she was seeing someone iwhen she was gone Thur. if she broke it off. Even so if I find she has been cheating that will be the end as far as I'm concerned. Any input?

[SadBill]

long story, but my wifes entire business life was conducted through her cell fone, and so for ages it didnt bother me that she was on it morning noon and night, but there definitely came a time where I noticed that she was on it more and more, esp at odd hours in the morning when i was in the shower before she got up for work, very late at night... and I started to worry about things. My buddies often suggested that she was having an affair, i reufsed to believe it, she was my light, my life, she was the mother of my kids and a devoted one at that. I loved her, I did everything that I could for her, and eventually when I found out what was happeneing, it was all through her cell. i knew for weeks what was eventually going on, but thought that because i loved her so much that she could stop it and try to fix what ever was wrong, but he couldnt. She broke me, broke my heart, and tore my soul out. you need to get the story out of her, or walk away. the cell fone, and her records are the key.

Sorry, that was a long story... perhaps one day I may share it with you guys. Cooper... you deserve better than the treatment than you seem to be getting. God Bless

[Alice Alice]

fallow your instinct and don't assume
you know her better then anyone

[SadBill]

fallow your instinct and don't assume
you know her better then anyone

ha! I tried that too... I tried to believe in her, that she'd never do what she did to me, and look where I am now. My mates where all right. each time they said it to me I told them not to be so stupid. but they were right. Every time. Sorry Alice, but I think that you are possibly wrong on this one.

[aqua]

Hi Cooper

Sorry to hear of your problems. A lot of us here can sympathise with your position as we have "been there, done that and bought the t-shirt".

It's clear to me from your posts, that your wife does have something 'sinister' to hide. By asking her questions she is now covering her tracks and denying an affair. It's funny how a lot of our stories have this familiar ring to to it!!!

Maybe changing tact might help. Instead of asking her outright for if she wants a divorce be a little less 'black and white'. Try a more concilatory tone (very difficult I know given how you feel).

If she has broke it off with someone, that is the step in the right direction. Try to be a shoulder to cry on, find out why she looked elsewhere. Once again, you will need to summon lots of strength to do this.

Try to remember the person you were and who she fell in love with. This will also require so much inner strength considering the hurt you're going thru.

This is very much "do as I say, not as I do". I gave up at the first hurdle and now getting divorced.

Take care
aqua

[val100]

Sadbill You sound like my H.

Rarely women look elsewhere unless things are very wrong within their marriage.

I know I had tried so hard to fix mine but it was like beating my head against a brick wall eventually when someone showed me attention I was like a starved child in a sweet shop I just seemed to lose all intelligence and strength. (there was verbal and emotional abuse which became physical in my marriage as well as neglect and a lot of ah sure you will be grand. I was his mother not his wife.)

If your wife cooper has finished her affair as you presume then you have won her, her love for you is surfacing. (i know this situation, it was where I was when I had truly decided I wanted my H he found out).

You need to look at your life and see why this happened what is the cause. It actually does take 2 to break up a marriage.

Best of luck

[SadBill]

I am sorry for your loss val, but I devoted my life to my wife, she was my all, my reason for living. We met soon after university, and we clicked, we travelled abroad together and we married. I did evrything I could to make her life everything it was, she was high maintainence, and I provided for her as much as I could, taking every crappy job I could to ensure that she could have the things she obviously longed for. We have had beautiful houses, the cars that she wanted, the holidays she wanted, and still it wasnt enough. She screwed me over for a guy that we both knew, she even introduced me to him a few times. Her affair truely broke me and has turned me into someone with a massive distrust of people, I will never love like I loved her, because if she truely loved me, no matter what the situation was at home with me (and it wasnt that bad... we were great friends, the very best of friends even, we shared great intimacy) she felt that it was okay to get what ever that selfish cow "needed" from someone else. I cannot hate her for what she has done, but I will always love her from the bottom of my heart, despite it being broken. She has gone her seperate way, she has a new lover, and I am alone. I get to see my three kids twice a month (they live near Cornwall, and I work shifts so its hard to co-ordinate work and kids, my boss isnt the most helpful of sorts). To be honest, I know that I had my faults, (things were not anywhere near as awful as yours seems to have been) but I never ever deserved to suffer like this.
God Bless.

[912jws]

Bill,

I think we all know we have our own faults and in long relationships you get blinded by these faults, the trouble is for people like us that truly wanted to work things out our partners have not always shown us why they are not happy and they live in denial on trying to make things work without actually doing anything except letting the relationship go into self destruct mode.
As with most affairs it is down to the other partner to confront his/her issues with you before anything else actually happens but sadly it rarely happens.
You have my sympathies!

Jon

[Cooper]

Cooper here,

One thing I can say about our marriage is we were never big at fighting , we would have a disagreement and maybe argue about it for awhile and then sometimes agree to disagree if it couldn't be resolved. We always knew that there would be conflict but we never thought about ending our marriage. Now things are different. She wants her freedom more than she wants to be married. I am not willing to accept sloppy seconds, there is no forgive and forget when it comes to an affair. Plain and simple that is a marriage ending situation. I know some people can get over that but I will not spend the rest of my life wondering ever time shes late or on the phone while in the bathroom if something is going on. Yes I admit to having faults but I would never cheat on my wife. Cooper

[912jws]

Cooper,

I can appreciate where you are coming from, I knew my wife had an affair but those niggles ultimately destroyed our relationship over the years, in the counselling in Jan she admitted it was just an emotional affair which made me feel like a great weight had been lifted, my missus was angry that I said this because I had not showed her I had trusted her over the last couple of years but at the end of the day if she hadn't have had the affair in the first place I wouldn't be the man I am now, if we had confronted the problem when it happened we may still be together because I would have not had the did she/didn't she thoughts or the is she/isn't she doing something thoughts that you have now, it's not a nice place to be and things like this need to be nipped in the bud before they get out of hand.

Jon

[Cooper]

Sure, I admit I have faults. But even so our marriage has been lots of give on my part and lots of take on hers. I always take into consideration how what I am doing will affect my wife and family. My wife will offer to babyset her sisters kids and then accept an invitation to do something else telling me to watch them since I didn't have any plans anyway. This is just a tiny example of how she thinks. I would never consider doing that kind of thing to her. The sad thing is she will admit I have made it easy for her and thats the way she likes it. Sometimes I feel like the neglected wife in this marriage! I know some of you folks talk of working thru an affair. I don't think I could do that. How have other managed. Cooper

[sswife]

Hi Cooper

You need to decide how much you can take. I can see that she likes the attention she's receiving. What woman doesn't. It gave her a thrill to give another man a half nude picture of herself. She wasn't thinking of you, just listening to all the wonderful comments she was receiving from this guy.

You know as a male how wonderful it makes you feel when a woman checks you out. A female gets the same thrill from comments or flirting from a man.

Try give her what she needs. Tell her how fantastic she looks. Take her out for dinner, make a fuss of her. She obviously loves the attention.

Don't give up. You married her for a reason. Hopefully she'll start treating you better.

Good luck.

[Cooper]

Cooper here,
All my life I have been a very secure person emotionally. I was the kid that always worked and made my own way. As an adult I have accomplished many things but still always put my wife and kids first. This last year I have become more and more insecure. Lately what I have been trying to do is catch her in lies. When she goes someplace I ask twenty questions. I check the milage on her car and try and calculate if things add up. I try to listen in on her phone calls, I have tried without any luck to figure out her internet pass word . I need to know for sure if she has or had something going on with another. I think at this point I have made her much more careful. One of my fears is finding out in the future she was cheating and to know I wasted and additional part of my life with her. I am emotionally conflicted as to what to do, this is a place I am not use to being and I do not like it. Cooper