Should i let him return???

[LC71]

Hi All,
I have posted on here just once before, and always been very busy reading all the great replied. I am now at the point i need some specific advise to me and my own problem :(
My h and i were together for 19 years married for 16+ we got on superbly everyone was always saying what a wonderful couple we were - years on we had children and we became what everyone saw wonderful parents too.
I came from a dysfunctional background and although i managed to take a different path in life with thanks to h. He gave me the support and love and care i needed to become a strong woman who realised i did not have to follow lead of other family members - he was my rock!!
One day after 8 years of marriage another man came into my work life and i thought i had fallen in love with him, nothing ever happened (although i had willed it to) just nights out with work i began to believe i had fallen in love with this other guy, i told h all this and he stood by me, he told me to give up my job and we would work through it which we did :)
8 more years went by we were happy, and a similar thing happened to him, he met a girl from the football club who enjoyed footy and showed a bigger passion than i ever had, he fell for her, he had no relationship with her apart from meeting at the football, he woudl stay up late on the pc, and became withdrawn and unhappy at home life was unbearable, i asked him if he was having an affair and he said no - i did not believe him, it got soo bad until the point came that i realised something must have happened and threw him out!! he lived with family for 6 months - i started to go onto online dating sites and met two men, both whom were not my type but they helped me overcome my hurt and anger. He moved in with his girl friend from the football, but asked to come home on our daughters birthday which i agreed to, he was home for a day and then cold me he missed her and moved back the same day, that was 7 months ago now. We have been seperated for apx 17 months and have only just become good friends again - he has today told me that he is moving out of there to a friends sofa - he has no where else to go and cannot afford anything else but he wants me and our children back - i am in turmoil - i love him, of course i do, but can i ever ever trust him again!! We have just come out of the other side - can i ever cope with the hurt of him doing it again - isnt this what men do - decide the grass isnt greener and go home just to realise that the freedom was great :(
He says the other lady has begged him not to go, she has told him she cannot live without him, he is concerned for her and hjas said that he needs to ensure her safety before he takes any steps.
I know him soo soo well, and i know he is very very hurt upset and sad - please advise me .... thank you !! and sorry for the waffling ......

[val100]

Hmmm big boy good advice are you practising it yourself??? I am just saying it in the nicest possible way.

LC71, Have you moved on?
He seems like a good man, you seem to haev worked out many issues before this, is your love strong enough to put his past relationship behind ye. He stood by you can you do the same.
If you do decide to give it a go then I wouldn't let him move back in. Start a fresh relationship
wit him and date him and see where it goes.

[LC71]

Hello
Yes i admit i do feel sorry for him Billy Boy
BUT
I also love him very dearly and if i thought for one minute we could make it work i would dive back in with out hesitation
BUT
what if it does not work ?? how can we ever go through the pain again ??
BUT
if i dont give it another go - and stand by him as he has done for me many many times - will i always regret it ??
I have dated other men since our split - but can you ever love anyone else how you love the father/mother of your own children
Once we had everything ???????????

[val100]

Feck billy don't take any notice of me I haven't a clue how to do the right thing for me.

H is softening it is obvious, I can't cope with it.
Oh where is my hero at some point he is supposed to rescue me bugger!!!


Lc71 if your only problem is that you are afraid that it won't work out and you are dating other people then surely thta is the samething no matter what you are taking a chance and you could get hurt, may as well take that cance with the man you love. Then again what do I now ????

[LC71]

Hey :)
Thank you all for your replies - H and i have been to relate this evening.
Have decided to start at the very very beginning and see if we have any future left ....

[LC71]

OH wow - what an emotional rollercoaster i am on :(
H and i did the relate thing - all seemed ok - she said she was very excited for us and believes we have a future ....
H turns up here with all belongings from 'hers' and we agree to them being kept in loft - he is living on a friends floor
Last night i go out with girlfriends, h looks after children when i get back he is all sad and quiet claims he doesnt belong here anymore . says he feels a stranger in his own home.
H now says that he is scared to be alone, and i can see in his eyes he is sad and terrified
He asks if i believe we have a future or not, if not should he go back to her, as the thought of being alone in this world is too scary.
Have told him he is not alone and i feel the same fear he feels, but if am going to be pushed into a decision right now it would have to be a no, i am unsure whether i want him home - is this normal, if i loved him why would i not welcome him back with open arms
I now feel for the first time in my life my head will not allow me to do what my heart wants - i seem to have no control of the barriers that have been built - and boy do i feel confused :(
Any advise PLEASE - i feel so confused, alone and desperate to try to understand what is happening ......

[Raymond]

The only future I see is if you both, and especially him, decide you are going to be faithful to each other and not always the prisoner of your feelings. I am talking about renewing your vows and starting afresh. If either of you are double minded about this forget it. It will be a roller coaster again. The thing that is missing is commitment to each other which is the bedrock of marriage. You did well to deal with your feelings when you could have gotten into adultery, but in a way you have both been tempted. Are you up to being faithful to each other and making that commitment to love each other on purpose in addition to your feelings? If so there is hope ahead for you both. If not I have no comment and wish you well.

Raymond