loosing the will to make it right...

[moomin]

Am having a hard time in my relationship at the moment. Would be great to hear experiences from anyone that can relate or has gone through something similar... as not sure what to do next.

Ive been married for about 2 1/2 years, though we've been together for 9 since meeting at 6th form, followed by going to uni together.

Have felt rock solid for the last 8 years, but cracks started to appear when a promotion meant that my husband had to live away most of the week with his work. I gues from the start i resented that fact he was willing to take a job which meant that he had to live away - i would never have accepted this and found another job.

Then after a year of mild hostilities over the job (i admit i did use to make him feel guilty about being away, and would often be upset or moody on phone when he called) things really went up s**t creek over christmas when he was staying away practically all week to go to christmas parties - it was definitely frostier inside our house than out. But i thought this was just a phase, that things would get back to normal when he wasnt away quite so much.

Then on boxing day he dropped a number of bombshells. He was bored with us and our lifestyle. I had let myself go and he no longer found me attractive. He said i / we had turned into hermits and he was feeling hen pecked. Oh, and the small fact that he was not sure he wanted children (but he wasnt sure that was due to how unhappy he was in relationship or ever.) I knew he'd never craved having children (im broody already) but he'd never let on he didnt want them at all.

We then had a really rough couple of months, lots of argueing, lots of saying hurtful things which still rattle through my head (even though he doesnt appear to remember half of what he said) and i truely feel at my lowest confidence ever.

Ive become really quite jealous and insecure which isnt helping. (He's never cheated on me in any way - i am finally starting to believe him on this). Im constantly thinking he's being tempted elsewhere. He's changed massively himself - lost lots of weight, now seems a real gym fanatic.

I feel like we're going on completely different paths - im wanting to settle down and have kids with a supportive partner who loves me for who i am (fat or thin, earning loads or not), he seems to want to recapture his youth going out more, he's very much into appearances (wants me to loose weight, be more stylish and confident) and hates the idea of any responsibility - he even has told me he resents our two dogs and refuses to help out in any way looking after them.

Despite all this we had 8 great years. We are good together. It was all a shock at first, i never imagined i could be without him - i genuniely NEEDED him.

Now i know and am use to living on my own (at least part the time). IM starting to question is this what i really want? am i happy? whay are we together - is it because its the easy option???

I dont know what to do, but im starting to feel like im dying inside.

I want to do everything i can to make things work but its getting harder the less i feel - what should i do??? what can i try??

Sorry for the essay! any advice would be much appreciated

x

[lonelylass]

Hi Moomin,

I think you should be asking yourself do you really want to be with someone who puts you down, wants you to loose weight, resents your dogs and by the sounds of things, spends very little time together with you?

This sudden gym/appearance issue rings alarm bells, maybe he is not having an affair, but maybe he wants to. (I've been there).

From experience I think he is knocking you because of his own weakness and cannot find it within himself to be honest and give you the true reasons(s) for his behavior. Of course having different views on having children is a pretty major one to overcome, it seems apparant he does not wish to commit to your relationship for whatever reason. It could merely be he feels to young to settle into having a family.

I would suggest talking to him about how are feeling, with the help of marriage counselling if necessary if you really want this to work.

A marriage of convenience without the commitment to each other is as good as no marriage at all. Don't feel you have to stay if it's not what you want to do, he needs to show some form of commitment to you and prove to you (leaving that job maybe) that it's you he wants to be with.

Hope this helps.

LoLa x

[tes uk]

hi moomin,
i am not in the best place just now to give advice and i truly hope i'm wrong, but it does sound to me as if there is someone else..i was told all last year that there was no one else it was just me..but in the end it all came out..his excuse for not telling me was that he didn't want to hurt me,, the weight loss gym etc allsound so familiar.
as lonely lass says you have to question as to why you want to be with someone who puts you down

be stronger than i was

good luck
tes

[val100]

Read some other threads and see what you can take from them, you guys are in a rut and you can only make it work if he wants it to. I hate sounding so straight forward but that is sadly how it works you can't make him change you can't make him love you etc.

Maybe he just feels that he took a job he wanted to take (and actualy he had that right to do so, you don't have kids and you are both young and your careers at this point are the foundation for an easier future) It was unfair on you for him to be away most of the week but you sound as if you didn't give him anthing to look forward to when he came home.
Sulking because you didn't want him to go doesn't work.

My H went away for a year to college and honestly it made him love me even more, I got my independence back and it cleaned out our cobwebs as we appreciated each other when he got home at the weekends baby number 4 arrived due to weekend visists. That was years ago when we were happy!!!!!!!!

H has got a taste of freedom as you two have been together since you were kids. He needs more are you listening to his needs he may be saying them all wrong but maybe he is telling you something you don't want to hear.

He isn't allowed to disrespect you or abuse you, he isn't allowed to treat you badly he needs to grow up however, have you let yourself go, honestly have you relaxed into this relationship that you no longer feel the neccesity to work at it ? do you believe that ye are so together that it doesn't matter if you have gained a few pounds and you sit watching telly and have your routine? I am not saying that you have.

i believe it is more important now in marriage to look your best, however he has to love you in your tracky bottoms and curlers too, but men are visual and they love when their lady looks good for them, you did it when you dated him.
We all put on weight and yes we need to be loved and accepted for that but you haven't had chidren yet and he is probably worried that when that happens you will really let yourself go.

Now before all the women jump at me stop and think if you thought that the minute you got married your H would end up like Homer simpson tell the truth.
My friend was getting married and a few months before she got married she broke down and said she was scared her Fiance was sarting to go bald and she said I don't find bald men attractive what happens if he loses all his hair and i stop finding him attractive.

Her concern was honest and real. WE slate men for saying to us that we need to make more of an effort. I hated when my H didn't make that effort for me. We nag them and we tell them to lose weight (yes we do) but for some reason they aren't allowed to say it to us. Most of us get heavier after kids and men must accept that but come on we can still look good whatever size we are.

Please I just feel from what you wrote you are acting the victim to your h when you admit you weren't kind to him when he rang .
He probably went to the gym because he had nothing to do in the evenings after work.

if he feels that he needs you to change he must say it in the best possible way without hurting your feelings. Being cruel is unacceptable

Lastly I am not saying you have let yourself go you said that in your thread.

Keep talking here and read other peoples stories you will gain an awful lot

[Alice Alice]

Dear moomin

its all true men like seeing their wives all pretty and healthy...my health depends on my life style or quality.

Have you and your Hubby been living a lazy life style or something of that sort?
Is he trying to get you and him back into shape?
Maybe he is doing it all wrong making you feel bad as he has a head start and isn't encouraging enough
My hubby acts like he is better then me at time so i feel
i need to get back into my size 6 pants but only if my life style is a good one

i believe you have a real good history with your hubby and you can relight the fire
don't get all down and out because of the job i would be ticked off too but what can we do??
Just stay happy and things will fall into place

too much change and your not around to see it coming you feel a little out of the loop or the circle you may say...don't think that way you are the nucleous your the hot mama

as for him not treating the dogs nice he might feel jealous of the attention you give them
my hubby does feel left out since the baby was born...too bad for him i say ha ha

do something new and different and get him to join

all the best

[moomin]

Thanks everyone - its really helpful to get some different unbiased perspectives.

We definitely got ourselves in a rut, it just hurt me to hear this as to me i saw it as being comfortable and relatively contented (there was no other picture in my head other than we would grow old together.) For him to decide that was now boring just got to me.

But is is true i let myself go and made less effort as did he, i guess it just didnt matter to me but it did to him, guys being visual creatures is a phrase ive heard a few times from friends who know my situation also.

I am trying to be understanding about the job. He had promised me initially he would only do it for a year to get some experience so he could go elsewhere. The rows really started when he told me at christmas he'd had no intention of only doing it a year, he'd just said what he'd needed to at the time so he could get started in the new role.

Ive come to understand i think the fundamental problem is he's lost all respect for me. Letting myself go, relying on him too much (the dreaded neediness) and ive also been really unsettled in my jobs. Id told him at the end of last year i wanted to get out of my well paid sales job which i didnt enjoy and get into teaching to feel like i was doing something more meaningful. Unfortunately money is very important to my H. He didnt like the idea of having to take more of a financial burden (something that worries me when it comes to having kids..) and as he put it' i was no high flyer anymore.' He told me he resented me choosing that career as it would impact our lifestyle as i'd never earn very much.

I done a lot of thinking this last week and come to some real conclusions. I do want to make it work and i know i'll regret it if something happens and i know i havent tried everything. Ive declined the teacher training placement and im going to stay where i am at least until things settle down and decide in a year or so time if things are settled enough to make the change. Im loosing the weight. Ive lost a stone of the 1 of the 1.5 stone i put on (even though he's told me he actually wants me to loose at least another stone - i can but try). Im making more effort not making him feel guilty about being away and doing more social stuff.

I hope this all works. But things can only be one-sided for so long. And if it doesnt work im going to be stronger and ready to be on my own. Im not going to allow him to be hurtful any longer ("who wants a fat wobbly wife on top of them" youre not as stylish as the other girls you see around" etc etc), im going to really start to fight back and not accept the way he's been talking to me no H should speak to their wife like that. He said he tried the nice approach and it didnt work, well i still think its out of order.

I need to see that the money isnt the be all and end all. Im not going to worry about him cheating - if its going to happen its going to happen. He's told me he likes the attention he's getting now that he's slimmer (he is a looker) and even said a little while ago he tried chatting a girl up to the point where he knew he could have her, 'just to see if he still had it.' And he said he does sometimes think hes missed out on playing the field by us getting together so young, but what can i do about that now?? I just tell him i feel the same but we knew what we were getting into when we married. I think he's having some kind of early mid life crisis.

I know now what i need to do is to make him want me again. I just hope i still want him if we get back to that.

I have been weak and upset by this for too long.

One of the posts said i had been acting the victim, looking back i think think there is definitley some validity to this. But no more. If at the end of trying everything ok he still decides he doesnt want me, well im going to make sure im set up so that someone else will.

I shall keep you posted!!

[Alice Alice]

Dear moomin

good to hear you are not getting dragged down from all this...i hope you can do what you want for a job soon...i know about sales and marketing i did time share with all the bad rep it has (not my company they are awesome) but its so hard to sell something that has a real bad stigma attached to it...brutal job,,,,i think its the pressure to sell on commission alone no basic pay that can put you on edge wondering when will the good spell start again after you hit a dry patch,,,very stressful.
i just didn't want to talk to people after work, i was talked out

stress causes alot of sleepless nights and stress adds abdominal weight and no sleep adds weight too.
imagine a good night sleep accompanied by a stress free job """heaven""

have a great weekend
stay positive and smile when ever you get a chance

[val100]

Sorry I was the one who said you were acting like a victim.
I didn't say it to hurt and I hope I didn't.

You takr that teaching placement if you want it. Sorry now but he took a job that you didn't want him to take. what if you two can't fix this marriage are you going to be stuck in a job you hate because you can't afford to move on.

No please hear what we are all trying to say to you. You love your husband, he is a lucky man to have such a devoted wife.
Your happiness does not depend on him at all. He is to enhance your happiness but he isnot to make it happen.
So you need to do what is right for you.
He is not allowed to speak to you in that manner I mean that all he is doing is destroying your confidence and bullying you into changing when will you be good enough for him?????

You have to assess your situation.
1. you need to lose weight you say, nothing wrong with that. how much do you need to lose to be your ideal weight, Not his required ideal weight.

2. you need to spice it up a bit because you are young and without the constant injection of fun and excitement in a marriage it will become mundane and like a job.
It doesn't have to be anything over the top it can be as simple as just changing the usual habit of sex on a friday night and sunday morning.
Go for a walk, Turn the hose on him as he is weeding the garden. When he is in the shower splash cold water on him and do a runner. Be a bit childish be a bit cheeky. It is great fun, start feeling young again. Join in on things he finds interesting.

3. How dare he chat up a girl to see if he still has it. He is bored and this isn't your fault. He sounds childish and spoilt

4. He is at fault here too and don't put all the blame on yourself.
You sound very young your life is slipping by you if you aren't trying to push your limits and your goals.

Your eventual happiness will not be how much money you are earning but doing the things you enjoy so change the job, Maybe move a bit closer to his job. Get out and do things you like doing and save this marriage without compromising your own happiness.