Its the lies and deceit that hurt most - help!

[RosieT]

Hi all, in Oct last year my husband finally confessed to the affair I knew he had been having. The affair lasted from mid 03 to the end of 04. It was with a woman he worked with. The problem is not so much the affair - I had pretty much thought that this had gone on anyway. The problem I have is that he lied to me for so long despite me asking was he having an affair. He has held my face, looked me in the eyes and told me that he was not having an affair.

During the time of the affair, there were a number of things happen that led me to think that it was going on. He denied everything. I feel such an idiot - but with no proof - I just sounded paranoid.

He knew I was so close on his tail, yet he just continued. After he finished the affair, I used to get calls from this other woman telling me how stupid I was - that he was only there for our daughter etc - he still denied it. I now find it very difficult to think that he allowed her to continue making these calls to me - rather than just tell me so that I could tell her I knew and to get lost.

I have been to see her since I found out - I think he only told me because I said I was going to get a lie detector test done - and she is ashamed of what has happened.

I have tried really hard to continue to be loving and for the first 3 months after I found out it was great - actually better than before as he was truly behaving like he was sorry. Now I am so hurt and angry. I find it hard to think of him as the man I married - he really did want his cake and eat it. I am feeling sick most of the time, a knotted up stomach and so tense. I cannot now even bear to have him touch me. It makes me feel sick.

He says he understands how I feel, but how can he? Its never happened to him - and even it if it had, he's not me! One of the biggest values I have in life is around integrity and he has shown that he has none.

Weirdly enough, there is still a part of me that loves him dearly. When I can separate out what he's done from who he is - but I am finding that harder and harder to do.

I am so confused as I don't want to be this angry and hurt for the rest of my life. Both of our lives are miserable. We have 3 children.

[912jws]

Rosie,

The biggest issue you are going to have now is dealing with trusting him and your feelings going forward as he is going to have to make an effort for a very long time if he is to persuade you he wants things to work.
The biggest regret I have with my wifes emotional affair is that we did not go to some sort of counselling when it occurred, we both sort of swept it under the carpet and I never really knew it was just an emotional affair up until some counselling sessions we went to in December.
So for the last couple of years when I have noticed our relationship deteriorating gradually it has opened up the insecurites of our past and made things worse, yes there must of been other issues with our relationship but this I think has been the crux of our break up unfortunately.
What you find as I did is that an affair takes that commitment or should I say the effort that I used to put in to making her happy away, its the resentment and betrayal which knocks your confidence and as our counsellor said it can take years to rebuild and the person that caused it has to make the effort always as the emotions never truly go away.
I would suggest you go to counselling to get stuff out in the open and discuss your future if you still want to make it work.
I know you must feel pretty crap inside at the mo!

Good luck

Jon

[RosieT]

Jon, thanks for that.

The funny thing is that we had begun counselling about a month before he told me about the affair. He reckons it was the sessions that made him finally realise he needed to come clean. I am not so sure.

I have been back once since I found out - on my own. He said he was too embarrassed to go! I agree with you, we both need to go, but I don't know if he will now.

I just don't understand why I was fine at the beginning (for about 3 months really) then I have hit this wall and can't seem to get over it now. I keep playing the lies over in my head and don't know if I can regain the respect I need for him to remain my husband. I think he was so cowardly both during the affair and afterwards.

Do you have any tips on how to stop driving yourself mad with negative thoughts....

Rosie

[moomin]

During the time of the affair, there were a number of things happen that led me to think that it was going on. He denied everything. I feel such an idiot - but with no proof - I just sounded paranoid..

Hi Rosie

So sorry to hear what you're going through. If you dont mind answering, can you explain what sort of things made you think something was going on?

[912jws]

Rosie,

I think the reason it seemed ok to start with is that he tried and that made you feel better, also if you are like me when this happened I was 100% in love with my wife and very happy in general, good jobs/good income/beautiful wife/beautiful baby girl - what more could a man want? I guess that is why I(we) sort of turned a blind eye to it, she made an effort, also a big contributing factor to my situation is that she got pregnant not long after this issue and having our son obviously brought us closer together.
Like I said the biggest mistake from my perspective is not talking about this straight after it happened as since then I have not 100% trusted my wife and that has been a big issue for her which I can understand but also I never really told her how I have felt about this and my insecurities since the last 15 months and bottling up this stuff for a few years doesn't help anyone.
Like I say get things out in the open and see where that takes you, at the end of the day he needs to do a lot of making up and he needs to realise this, only his constant support and wanting to make this work is going to subdue your feelings.

Keep us posted

[RosieT]

Hi Moomin, sorry its taken so long for me to reply. I have been away working so my mind has been on other things.

There were a number of things really. When he was away working (which is when he met with her), he would not answer his phone to me very often early morning or before I went to bed with little or no explanation. I saw a couple of texts which were alarming - and no, I generally didn't check his phone...I just got a gut feel that I should. He also had a voicemail service from work and there were a couple of messages from her on there which said things like "can't wait to hug you", "gutted I missed your call", "I'll be up late, give me a call" - that sort of thing - more than just a friendly thing.

The biggest "clue" was that I found a sweater in our washing basket which was not mine - and belonged to a woman. How on earth would it get there other than it coming back with him?

The thing is, he was so good at immediately finding a plausible reason for everything. There was no hint of fear when I confronted him - which made me think that he might just be telling the truth. I guess, it just tells me that he is a much better liar than I ever thought he could be. He now says, he is a much better liar than even he thought he could be - not something to be proud of exactly.

In the last few days, things have gotten better. He is making a huge effort. It is helping reading the other posts on here to realise that what I am feeling is normal and that I shouldn't beat myself up about being angry and unforgiving just yet. It will take time. I suppose I want to sprinkle magic dust and it all to go away and things be back to "normal" - whatever that will look like from now on.

[Too trusting]

Rosie,
My husband and I are currently trying to rebuild our marriage after his "emotional affair" (no sex but all the other stuff: flirtatious e-mails/ texts, telephone calls, clandestine "dates", shared confidences and CONSTANT LIES/ DENIAL) which began in late 2001.
I accidentally discovered incriminating e-mails in the summer of 2007 and the whole thing blew up.
I too had felt something was "off" in our relationship, but whenever I asked, my husband looked me in the eye and lied. So I always gave him the benefit of my doubt because, hey, the guy had never lied to me, right?
Now I bounce between wanting to believe he is profoundly sorry, accepts responsibility and is aware of what boundaries and behavior are essential to being in a committed relationship (we have been married 31 years) AND the knowledge that I virtually "lived a lie" for nearly six years (and then some, because he continued to lie about breaking off contact until December last year).
We started couples therapy in January and one thing quickly became clear: for us to "go forward", I had to give him the opportunity to regain and demonstrate his trustworthiness. So I'm doing the "fake it 'til you make it". I told him I trust him. (In my head I'm saying I want to believe I can trust him -- a bit removed.) And I'm trying to behave accordingly, ie, not checking up all the time (although I sometimes fail there!)
I still have dark days and huge doubts (especially when he travels for work where he may possibly run into his ex-"friend"; they work for the same company in different cities).
I guess what I'm trying to say is this:
Communication is key. (Listening as well as talking.)
Counseling helps. (My husband sometimes seems to hear better in therapy sessions than when we're just the two of us.)
Decide what is absolutely essential to/ for you in your relationship (honesty, openness, respect, sexual fidelity, loyalty...whatever) and SHARE that with your husband. (For years my husband has had female friends and has taken female colleagues out for drinks or a meal -- and I was absolutely O.K. with it because it was all above aboard. He was completely open about it. No hanky panky. Of course, that's all off now since he messed up his borders of "appropriate" behavior.)
Identify your "deal breakers". (Any contact with the other woman, for example.)
And (this has been really hard for me to do, but also absolutely necessary), what are your responsibilities to your relationship -- and how are you doing with them. (For example, I got so involved raising our daughter that I stopped complimenting my husband on the "little" things I appreciate about him. His "friend" was real good at stroking his ego!)
Finally -- and, O.K., it IS rather cynical, I suppose, but, remember: what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
Good luck and God bless.