Confused

[val100]

Hi there,

had to start a new thread for this one sorry:(

Just sitting here in the office, feeling sad and lonely need, want, crave a hug from H and know it isn't going to happen, I know it is over, I know I want a happy life, I know nobody is allowed to treat me the way he did but I miss him today.

Anyway just sitting here reading a trashy Magazine and my phone beeps and it is a text from him.
It reads "thank you 4 our beautiful children."
Nothing else. the last time we spoke he was having a go at me the last text i had was him apologising for his outburst and that was last tuesday.

I got scared, What if he was feeling really low etc so I rang my sister she said to ring him if I was that worried or get a friend to.

I paused for a moment and rang him my heart pounding in my chest not knowing what the response would be.
He answered with an upbeat Hi how are you?
He told me that he found old photos of the kids and was looking at them and sent the text.
Said he was well asked me how i was, how were things etc.
I ended the conversation politely and hung up.

Would that not confuse you guys am i mad, is he playing games, is he building bridges? ohh god am i over reacting. Why didn't he say in the text just found old photos etc.
This is what he does and i melt, I rang him he got 30seconds of my undivided attention.
Anybody any ideas, not angry just I don't understand:confused:

[912jws]

Hi Val,

I am also working! sad isn't it, but I do get a few days off next week ;)

I guess it could be a number of things - He is either reminiscing over the past, he is feeling happy in himself and want's to be nice to you, or he could be building bridges?
Also you could be reading into the situation because thats what you want to do or believe, I do the same to some degree, my wifes emails a couple of weeks back and beyond ended with just her name, now she's being semi pleasant like saying 'see you', again she could be like this for a number of reasons.

I guess you will have to see how he is the next time you speak to him?

I wouldn't read into it too much as it only causes more heartache on your behalf.

Now get back to work :D

Jon

[Micou]

Sweety, I am the same as you when it comes to H. There are those days when he can be as stand-offish as anything and I want to run into a corner and die! Yet, he can really turn on the charm and I become putty in his hands. Today is the one of those days - he has hugged me because I clumsily dropped a mug and it smashed and I was almost in tears over a stupid mug breaking! He went into the garden and cut some pretty flowers for me - in short, today he has been fussing over me like we just met and are dating - as much as I can feel myself melting because of the lavish attention, I know that tomorrow he won't be acting like this.

It was a cute text and it made you feel good. You chatted and he was polite - you already KNOW what this man is really like. We all fall for their charms when they turn them on - they know the right buttons to push cos they know us well. Enjoy the niceties when they come up, but remind your heart that you don't want old wounds opened up. Enjoy the small blessings, be grateful for them, but let them go. Do you really want to go back there?

[kyalan]

I think we all get them days where we think the other half might be trying to re-kindle something/build bridges.....but like you say Billy, how wrong can we be?
False hope mate, and I think it might be the same for you Val...sorry

Kyalan:o

[lonelylass]

Val, Val, Val,

I am shocked to read this from you, I thought you were moving onwards and upwards. We all think we know our other halfs and due to the love we once held for them we feel for their vulverability.

Concentrate on your new man, your ex is playing games, expecting a response, maybe next time text back and say 'you're welcome' and nothing more. Be a game player too. My H used to do this sort of thing, it soon became apparant there was an ulterior motive usually for his benefit.

Rise above it!

LoLa x

[val100]

Hi guys,
Thanks, Look I will always have that pull for him as 15 years and 4 kids etc, I have to stop myself from telling myself I am a failure.

Of course I miss him but getting back with him is not on the cards for me.
I get confused because it is a constant see saw with him.
I am learning not to answer back to his texts. He txt me later that night all lovely etc and hoping I had a safe drive home loads of stuff all nice. I read it and just rolled my eyes. I will never understand him and I need to accept that.
My wedding anniversary is in 3 weeks and my birthday in 10 days I guess I feel a bit raw.
We broke up the week before our wedding anniversary last year, it would have been our first. He physically hurt me that january, I had just started that stupid affair it was a mess.
I suppose this is my vulnerable time. Thanks for listening and offering advice.

I deleted new mans Number off my phone this morning, I haven't heard anything from him for a few days no point in being treated like that. He is agood guy but his baggage is in our way and I need to mind myself

My oldest and dearest and most loved friend is home tomorrow (she lives in Loas) I cannot wait, Then she goes back and another friend arrives who I adore and then I go away for the weekend with my sister.
So I do have a fantastic month ahead.
Easter sunday was really awful for me and that black cloud is just taking its time to lift. Sorry guys I am ok really.

Thanks as always for listening

[912jws]

hi again

I see saw too Val. One minute I think right this is it, then I backtrack just in case. I have for a long time had a policy of trying to be polite but not answering txts for at least a few hours and make a point of not initiating any contact when we are apart. If I am contacted I am abrupt, concise but courteous. If she wants small talk she will have to want a relationship.

Billy

Billy,

I am the same on the contact front, I don't contact her anymore unless absolutely necessary ie.kids/finances
Something just snapped the other week, I guess her coming home drunk and trying to dictate things and I thought to myself thats it, I am not trying anymore, like you I am still courteous and the fact of the matter our relationship is now small talk as we have nothing to talk about, or no future to talk about.
As I said to my best mate last night, yes there are the odd tinges of sadness and thinking of stuff you used to do together when you see other couples or think about things like holidays. But I am in a different place than I was a few weeks back - what do you call it? Acceptance I guess.
Now I just need to move on to the making me happy stage and see how things go!

Jon

[Alice Alice]

Dear Val i'm with Lola on that one ...but i totally understand how you feel.

i believe this new Bo will be coming around give him space he might be feeling a bit skittish

i hope this post finds you happy and ready to Val the day or night away

[val100]

I am in great form thanks. Bo needs space has asked if I minded if he kept in contact. Not at all known him 20yrs I always have room for a friend plus I fancy him more now, nothing like an honest sensitive guy who likes to pay for everything.

No he is a keeper, Lucky her if they work it out, lucky me if they don't.
Had 3 weeks of affection and lots of laughs. Have a feeling he will call, he wanted to know had there been contact from lonely Highlander (there hasn't, Hi there as I am sure you are reading this ) and H text and I saw the spark of nervous.

He is a good guy and I realised there are some still out there.


Alice your posting is as good as mine, nice to have you back hope the move wasn't too stressful and you guys will be happy there

[Alice Alice]

He sounds like a good person and you deserve such goodness

lonely highlander better not mess with you that's the impression i'm getting
Bo is protective it seems....that's hot (we need a smiley with both eye brows doing the expression)

keep smiling sweety
you sure put a smile on my face

[SadBill]

There are times when all of us seem to get so confused, when we think back on the good times, the vows we made and how some people can just shatter them as if they ment nothing.
There isnt a day that goes by that I think that if only this or if only that... and I get so unbelievibly sad, that all my hopes, my dreams, those of my kids, their rights to a happy and peaceful family, ONE family, not two. And it takes all my strength and the help of the Lord to keep me alive and sane. because those things are gone. In time I will be ok, and I am sure you will be too.

[val100]

Hi sad bill.
I am sorry you are hurting. If you read my thread you will know I did as your wife. Is there no hope for you two?

I wanted so much to rebuild my marriage but he just can't. Bill sometimes we need to walk away.

I have abuse from my H he is an amazing guy but self preservatin kicks in and my marriage is best in the bin.

I believe t is never too late and maybe in time your W will see the hurt and pain she has caused you and your family.

If this is any consolation to you, I find it very hard to live with what I have one, somedays it cripples me that I hurt the man I loved so much. To put my children to bed every night without a kiss from their father.
I hate myself for breaking his heart and I may never forgive myself.
I cannot justify why I did what I did except that I had lost all confidence and hope in my H and I was at the point of breakdown when this person seemed to fall into my life and pick me up. I am filled with huge regrets I wish I had just left my H but I was a coward. I had left himtwicew before but I never lasted. I loved him with all my heart. sadly that love is gone. He burnt the last bridge on saturday.
I hope you wife is filled with as much regret as I am. No matter how badly my H treated me he didn't deserve what i did.

[SadBill]

thank you for your concern, my marriage is dead, has been for nearly 2 years now, but even still, its our anniversary in May, and I am filled with dread, I wish that I could see it as something more like an ordinary day, but I cannot, and it fills me with dread.
how can you say that you did the same as my wife? I had my face rubbed in it, her actions were deplorable, and they continued long after she had ample chances to alter her ways. There were opportunities to stop what she was doing, and she says she did, but the draw was too strong, and as a result I suffer, more importantly my kids suffer, and all of our lives are ruined by the selfish actions of a woman who lacked consideration for anyone other than herself.
I am better off without her, she was the centre of my universe, the love that I willed myself to love unconditionally for ever and ever, just like the vows we took in front of our parish, our families, and the Lord, but she had other ideas. I have been treated worse than a dog. I am sorry for how you feel. Who am I to judge you, I know nothing about your life.
God Bless.

[val100]

I don't fear your judgement, I did what I did. My H would say I did rubbed his face in it, I suppose I may have done I really don't think so but I was stupid and inconsiderate.
I hurt all that I loved.
It is my wedding anniversary in two weeks in my case I don't think about it. I emailed my H the other day regarding our son and I said that I know how hard this month is for us, (I asked him to move out one week before our first anniversary, it is my birthday also.) He asked me on saturday to drop the kids coats to the park I did that and all he wanted was to shout out again infront of everybody that I was a two timing whoring C.
I will have this for the rest of the month. I dread may 21st but I just put it to the back of my head.

I wish you peace in your head and heart because you will never find happiness without forgiveness.
I have forgiven my H for the awful things he has said and done. 100% forgiven him, it was the best thing I did, I amtrying to forgive myself. With forgiveness came sleep, camr happiness came laughter and a new man (not sure about that one yet).

Keep talking here as the people are great I wish you solace.
Please be kind to yourself.

[912jws]

So Val/ladies what are my wifes thoughts -

This goes back to your confused thoughts and the fact one day your ok and then the next your not and questioning peoples motives?

Anyway I have not seen my wife for a week and try and keep contact down to the bare minimum. So I drop the kids off yesterday and I am relatively pleasant and she is a little chatty, I have issues to get off my chest like solicitors/Child Support/her taking over loans that are in my name that she agreed to etc.
So before we start she asks me what I am doing on weds and if I fancy going out for dinner to which I reply I am working(I am) so I move on about taking one of the many cooking books we have as I am not a great cook and said that I needed it for entertaining(entertaining myself ;-)) and she says entertaining so i let her read into that what she wants.
So we move on to above mentioned stuff and she is being relatively amicable and we are not getting nasty.
So we are finishing up and she asks about dinner again and catching up next week and could we go to the new place in our local town to which I reply I have already been(my mate was visiting so thought I would give it a go), I basically said I don't know what I have planned and I'll let you know.

So I am wondering what her motives are and why she wants to play catchup, I don't know if its because in her eyes I appear to be getting on with my life(even though it is still a struggle) and she has a problem with that or she just wants to be friends?

Again I try not to read into it too much but sometimes its hard not too.

Jon

[val100]

Sorry haven't a clue,
She has an agenda without a doubt just what it is I haven't a notion.
Have huge confusion with my H again.
On the phone for hrs last night Wish he knew what he wanted. Wish my head would stop and my heart strings stop being pulled.

Do you want your wife back?

[912jws]

Do you want your wife back?

Despite all the emotional $hit I have had to deal with, hand on heart I would probably say 'yes' but there would have to be a lot of changes on her side to reassure me she isn't going to do this again, and obviously I would need to make changes to. I guess that's what I was hoping the counselling was going to sort out, iron out our issues and put us back together stronger than we were but that doesn't always happen does it.
I think I am in this stage of almost letting go now but I still think about her a lot which is understandable.

I know it must be difficult for you knowing that you still have feelings for your H but also telling yourself it is over? I can only think that you meeting someone nice is going to allow you to move on now and shake off your emotions and put you in a different place.

That's the one thing I hate about being without my W is sharing all those day to day things that i miss, I would love to meet someone new at the moment to lift me up but TBH I am not in the right zone at the moment although I do try to be chatty to anyone I might bump into on the train or out shopping, doing the school run etc.

One day at a time as my best mate says!

[val100]

Yes the fact that you don't have someone to share your day with is so horrible. I have become a tad self indulgent to get me through it. I run a hot bath when my kids are in bed, I pour a gin and tonic, I light a few candles and Take in the silence.
I watch tv and lay on the couch and i switch the world off.
I met someone but he just isn't ready for the relationship thing, he recently split up with his GF of 4 years (pah Husband 15 lol).
I was guarded for all of 5 minutes then I slipped into sitting on the couch with my feet on his lap. Having a conversation about everything and anything, Making him laugh and falling asleep in his arms.
I wish he was able to let go but as we all know love is a bugger to shift.
I am ready to have someone in my life but it would be under my terms also I am so afraid of making the same mistakes. I have a tendency to smother with love. I adore making them happy. I am very affectionate and take care of them problem is then I need to be taken care of and they usually don't know how to because I seem so bloody strong and independent. I put their happiness before my own.
In a sense I don't blame my H for neglecting me, I let him.

It has to be over with my H my guilt is my kids and his hurt. Do I have the right to stop trying to fix it?
He says he doesn't me, but his actions speak differently.
I do wish I had someone else to concentrate on and maybe I would be in a place where I could completely let go. Fear is though is it the company the affection that will make me fall for someone or will I be able to see the friedship and the person.

Wish I was 1o yrs younger it was way easier then.

R you going to go for dinner?

[912jws]

.
I do wish I had someone else to concentrate on and maybe I would be in a place where I could completely let go. Fear is though is it the company the affection that will make me fall for someone or will I be able to see the friedship and the person.

Wish I was 1o yrs younger it was way easier then.

R you going to go for dinner?

I think that's a difficult thing to answer, sometimes company and affection can lead to the friendship and person you end up being with. Other relationships are built up over time. I think it's difficult when you have been in a relationship for so long and you are not sure what you want from someone else and what to expect?

I am not sure about dinner, I am curious to find out what she wants to catch up on but there is a part of me that doesn't want to go as I am trying to shut down my emotions towards her so I can move forward, If I keep the barriers up then I know where I stand and wont be confused.
I also have plans with friends next week and then I am working most of the following week so she will have to wait at least 2 weeks anyway ;)

Jon

[val100]

Jon,
Maybe take a rain check completely. I find that since I hut down contact unless totally necessary I have solace from it all.
How long are you seperated?
Keep talking

[912jws]

Val,

It's early days yet, we had a few weeks apart after Christmas and I officially moved out mid Feb, it doesn't seem that long but it feels like a lifetime, if you count the last time I made passionate love to her then its 6 months :eek: I don't know whether to laugh or cry :rolleyes:

Hope you are doing ok?

Jon

[val100]

hmmmmmm passionate love, I remember that I think:rolleyes:

New years day with my H was the last time, I knew it would be, it was strange, He told me how skinny (Aushwitz I think he said) i had got and I got upset AHHHH F*** whats done is done.

Told me the other day that everytime he sees me his heart breaks. Nothing I can do for him I would have but he will never change and i have I am me again, not his wife not her, your one, herself. I am Me and I am happy.

This will happen for you but firstly you must decide that you do want to be happy, our anger and grief become our security blankets and we wrap ourselves so tightly in them that we lose ourselves even more.

It hurts and it will for a long time but life can get better if you make it happen.
Take care