marriage on self destruct?

[BFG]

Ok need advice.


I have been married for 10 years have two kids aged 7 and 4. When i met my wife she was a size 16, over the years she has put more weight on and she is now a size 30. She does not work I have more to do with the kids than her, I hold down a full time job and still end up having to do the washing and hoovering etc.


I have put up with all this thinking one day things would get better. In 2005 i went on prozac because i was really down. I am a sexual active person but my wife isn't we made love once in 2006 and 2007 and it was hard becasue of the size of her, I thought because of this and our children she would try to do something about it, but she went the other way. We talk but I am in the position that every time i see her now that i resent her. In nov 2007 I met someone, had a fling so to speak and realised the grass was greener on the other side. M I told my wife in Nov 2007 that if she wasn't going to change and go down the road of self destruction that i wasn't prepare to follow and I would leave.My wife is now having a gastric bypass in April, I disagree with it because I think she sees this as a quick fix. It is now march and I am sat writing this at my mothers. I love my kids so very much, but although i know I love my wife, i cannot see a future there anymore. I feel as she has rejected me so much over the years and I have given her everything. I needed to leave before I found myself having another fling, because that is not right. I need to be happy and I cannot carry on.... your thoughts would be apperciated

[Raymond]

You've painted a black picture BFG. What can we say?

I would say there is a person in there who needs a lot of help. Forgetting the weight problem for a while, what is her self esteem like? You have to find something to go with; some way of encouraging something good. Surely there is something good about her to build on?

Sounds like you are ready to execute her. What did you see in her when you married her? What has happened to that? A motivated loved person who is confident in herself will have no trouble in slimming. She just needs encouragement from somewhere.

Raymond

[val100]

Hi raymond, hope you are keeping well.


BFG
Does your wife know you had a fling???

The fact that she is having this surgery may not suit you because you believe in self control and will power, I am presuming.

It is irrelevant how she manages to lose weight this is how she wants to do it.

You seem very bitter in your thread, I am not judging just telling you how I read it.
You need to shake this off and support your wife, you say you love her so start loving her and stop being so angry.

The weight comes from more than just not being able to stop eating. Most people who get extremely heavy have many emotional issues which leads them to eat, which then leads them to weight gain, lowering their self esteem and confidence.
Your wife will need some form of counselling Trust me there are other issues there that have allowed her to stop loving herself and those around her.
She may hate herself which means that she cannot have intimacy with you.

You have a lot of work ahead if you want to save your marriage.
It doesn't matter if you do all the work to save your marriage because once saved your happiness will be the best reward.

Another affair sure as hell won't make you feel any better as someone who has had an affair all they bring is lowered self esteem, huge hurt, broken hearts and self loathing.
I understand how frustrated you are but I also know after being through what I have that the only person that will make you happy is you.
Keep talking this is a great place.
Also check out some of the threads like Imaginery friends etc they will bring a smile to your face. There is a group of us that are starting to shuffle off the misery and start joking with each other, you would be surprised at how good this place is.

[moomin]

HI BFG

just a little perspective from a womans perspective. My husband who ive been with 9 years (since school) told me at christams that i had let myself go and that he no longer found me attractive / wanted me to loose weight. I was a size 10 when i met him (oh to be 18 again!) and went up a couple of stone to a size 14. He said some pretty hurtful things about my weight and it really knocked my confidence. He also lost a lot of weight and just expected me to do the same.

I dont think its that straight cut with your story though (i think my H is bit of a pig for being so image consious!!) but i getthe impression from your story that the impact of your wifes weight gain on your qulaity of life (and also your childrens lives) must be terrible. It is unfair that youre having to take on everything, and ultimately your kids will be missing out having a mother who cant look after or play with them, i can understand your resentment.

i guess it comes down to whether youre prepared to give her a bit longer - she is afterall taking steps to correct the situation (i agree with the point above that it shouldnt matter which way - she probably understand the urgency that youre about to / have left her and wants change quick to save your marriage!) I also think that she needs some kind of professional help to deal with whatever issues have caused her comfort eating (if this is the case). You can be supportive together and give her time to get back on track. Or even if youve had enough it may be that you can still provide some level of emotional support during her trying to make things better with her health?

If she was as thin as she was when you got together, would you still want her now? (if so it may not take that long from surgery to get this.)

Or have things just gone too far? in which case maybe you need to put yourself first and walk away.

[Emmi]

Hi there,

My story is not exactly the same, but has similarities.
I have been with my Hubby for 22 years and have 2 kids, we've never had a great time of it but we trundled along. To cut a long story short, I worked, looked after the Kids and the house and did everything a wife is expected to do, my Hubby worked, came home had dinner and watched TV till bedtime. 3years ago after years of problems I was diagnosed as having agressive arthritis and Neuropathy (side effect of my diabetes) and had to give up work. Between a severe reduction in mobility and medication my weight has soared and I have went from a dress size 12 up to a size 24. I can honestly say that depression kicked in big time, between not being able to work, losing a lot of mobility and the weight increase my confience and self esteem disappeared practically overnight. I was worried about how my Hubby saw me, now that I was " of no use anymore" and also I thought he would go off me because of the weight. He didn't and is always telling me that I am the same person he married and funnily enough he is being a lot more supportive since I got my GP to explain to him what I was going through with depression.
Have you thought that maybe your Wife is depressed and has lack of confidence and low self esteem?
Have you tried to be supportive and maybe do activities together that would increase both your physical activity levels?
I know how depression can make you feel, after years I have only started to get enough confidence to wear make up again and go shopping for nice "feminine" clothes instead of baggy whatevers, because I thought that at my size you couldn't be sexy or pretty and it's with the help of Hubby that I'm finding out that's not true.
It is very difficult to lose weight, especially if you hide behind it like I have been guilty of, and the longer it goes on the harder it gets. I know you think your Wife is looking for a quick fix with operation, I looked into that too, but was advised against it because of health risks so I have started to go to a medically equipped Gym, where I can exercise safely and I have a dietician who works with me too. I know it will be a long painful slog, but the best of it is my Hubby has joined in and he encourages me and exercises along with me and I obviously appreciate his help, but it also gives us quality "team" time together.
It hasn't solved all our problems, but it's a start and I think the main thing is, that he changed his usual selfish approach and actually listened for a change, and now we are starting to see each other in a new light. Please don't cheat on her again, because I know if it happened to me, I would never have had the confidence to do what I'm trying to do with my life, it would have just sunk me further into depression. Exhaust every avenue with your Wife and then after time if it doesn't work then do the grown up thing and end the relationship before meeting someone else, because you could cause so much more damage to her and even to yourself.

Emmi