What can i do?

[soldier m]

I have been married for 9 yrs now and although we have had some bad times on the whole it has been a good life or as i thought it was. We had a bust up before xmas and things sort of got better but they were not and i could tell.

There is no sniff if adultary in our case but i have been selfish and to much of a 'control freak' as she said. I felt lonely and un-appreciated and the last home dispute culminated in me trying to end it(suicide) to grab a hint of reaction and responce but i did not mean to i just wanted some attention. It got messy but it woke me up as to what i was doing.

A few days later i went to see a docter who on the spot recognised symptoms of PTSD of which i have recently been officially diognosed with and getting help with. In the meantime i have moved out but the lonenless and realision of the way i have been for a long time was due to this illness.

She wants an end to our marriage and has started to make changes at home(utility bills ect) and even taken me off the holiday we booked and put some-one else on insted.

I feel cheeted that i would of not been so bad to my wife if i knew what i had a long time ago.

I have been to relate(counciling) but find it pointless to go back without her and she flattly does not want to go.

I still speak and do things with and for the 2 kids we have but i feel a stranger in my own house and it deppresses me to go around somtimes.

She says she no longer loves or wants me.

What do i do to win or get my marriage back?.

[Raymond]

One thing is clear Soldier you have to finish this control thing. We are all made with a free will and nobody wants to be controlled. Influenced maybe, but free choice is important. Controlling people is not loving them. Women usually do it through manipulation. Men usually through domination. You were manipulating through your attempted suicide. We cannot order people. We have to accept them as they are and try and love them. It is not our job to change them. God changes us when we look to him.

I don't know how far the problem has gone and whether you can save your marriage, but one thing is sure if you don't stop controlling you will make it more sure that your marriage is finished. Did you know that the whole basis of witchcraft is to control through fear? That's why God hates it. He doesn't try to control us. We come to Him out of freewill and He is the one who can help us.

Theres no foolproof thing to do to save your marriage. All you can do is to be a better person and allow people freedom to move. If something loves you let it go and it will come back to you stronger. I hope you learn these lessons before it is too late.

Raymond

[soldier m]

Thank you Raymond for those words. Much like your Armed Forces in the states post your expliots in the farr east in the 60's the British Army only started screening soldiers who have been in bad situations since the mid 90's, we are farr behind the curve.
I was too late to be screened so it has only come to light that i have been a control type of person in my home life because i was in fear of harm or not noing what was going on with my own family because i wanted to prevent harm or injury to the ones i love the most. Only i did not or was not aware of the reverse damage it did.
Life and the big man himself hands out the cards...how you play them is down to the individual...i was conviced i had a bad deck (in my attitude to love,marriage and parenthood) but i still managed to bluff only me and not the peaple on the table that being my family.
I am now paying a heavy price because i have lost everything that i fourght for in the first place. I am getting help for the illness, what i need is good peaple like you perhaps explain how i can convince my family that deep down i was looking after their interestes but just doing it a narrow minded and blinkered way.
This kind of attitude holds no discrimination as to who it eats,nothing would give me more pleasure than to go into detail but i dont want to have peaple on this site bored with my persional experiances.
All i need is my home life back...thats what we all fight and work for at the end of the day,dont you agree....

[huskypup]

Soldier M, I am not in the Army but I am an RAF wife, and I also work for the MOD, so have some insight into your life situations.

Where are you living at the moment, have you moved back into the mess/barrack block, this in itself can cause alot of problems as it is deemed to easy just to walk away - I know I am the person that issues the keys to the rooms - I have had 4 in this week alone whose marriages are in trouble. Is your wife still in your quarter?

Have you tried contacting SAAFA, they can offer a very good ear to talk to, we are lucky here we also have a Salvation Army Coffee shop and they are completely non-judgemental.

Your wife is probably as confused as you are, being a service wife is a very lonely one, sometimes I think it is harder for those left behind than it is for those on Operations, when my HB was in Iraq, it was the longest 6 months of my life. There is so much stigma attached to asking for help the Army more so thant the RAF as we don't move as a formed unit.

You say you are receiving treatment for your PTSD, you say disorder, please correct me if I am wrong, this condition is related to somthing that happened pre-service as there is a difference between PTSD and PTS, as a disorder is not usually cureable, it is controllable though.

Like Raymond says you have got to learn not to try and control people, especially not your wife, you can not make her do anything she doesn't want to do, and would you want her to give your marriage another go if it wasn't what she wanted, she is not one of you soldiers, and even then they have free-will.

I don't know what to suggest, have you tried the obvious like writing her a letter, trying to explain your actions, telling her how much you love her and that you are sorry for your actions.

I can offer no answers, just that the services mess up alot of people heads, if you scroll back 9 months I was in a mess, only he ran away to the Falklands to avoid it, but you can sort it but only if both of you want it, it can not be one sided as that will cause even more resent.

Please keep posting.

Huskypup

There may not be away back from this, only you and your wife can sort this out,

[Raymond]

Hi Soldier. Husky Pup seems to have given a lot of useful information.

You seem to have had a problem upbringing. Snap, so have I actually. The control probably came out of a fear which led to you trying to alter the situation around you. Quite understandable. I don't think it was the big man's (as you call him) will for you to have a bad upbringing. There are other forces at work in the world as Jesus exposed in the gospels if you've ever read them. We couldn't do anything about it. One doesn't choose the soil where they are planted. Nevertheless that doesn't have to be the end of the story. I was put into an orphanage as a baby, moved around quite a bit, sexually molested etc. etc. I was a total mess actually. Thank goodness there was a God around to sort me out. One can be freed from their upbringing. Knowing the truth can set us free if we believe it.

You have been dealt a duff pack of cards like me, but there is a way we can end up much better than we started. I find that the weaknesses I had gradually became my strengths.

In a way you sound like Joyce Meyer. You can hear her on http://www.joycemeyer.org/. She was sexually abused by her father for about fourteen years and tried to control people after that. She overcame and speaks to millions in the world now. Her story is on the site somewhere.

I really hope your marriage works out. There are no guarantees but as you seem to now be aware of the problems and can change that should have a positive affect on things. If something loves you let it go and it will come back to you stronger. That line has stuck with me for the past week. It means that you cannot keep people in a box. They have to function in freedom. We influence them by who we are not by the way we control them although you know that now.

Raymond

[soldier m]

Thank you Raymond, you are a more religious man than me by the sounds of things which for you has given you the strength to get through bad times in life. To be ignorant like a lot of peaple i could say that i have only really been in the presence of God 3 times in my life, when i was christend,when i got married and when i was lying dying in a ditch in Afghanistan 7 yrs ago. I was no longer in control and ever since that day all i have ever wanted to do is keep my loved ones in that BOX and keep them from harm. All for the right reasons but i did it the wrong way and to a level which deprived my wife from her own space. I understand that now but its to late for my marriage. I wish i was back in that ditch.

[Raymond]

The battle can be won soldier. You just have to use the right tools. The wrestle is not against flesh and blood. We battle against spiritual powers and you cannot do that without God. Without Him we are just fodder for the taking.

Raymond