Crushed Husband, seeking advice from all

[Zephirus79]

Hey everyone, My wife and I have been married since 99 and we have 2 children together.

I have not been a great husband, I have had an emotional affair that lasted a few weeks but no touch whatso ever. I have not always treated my wife like she is the center of my world.

I found out about a month ago that she has had an emotional affair going on. In fact, she took it farther by kissing the guy. His wife died a month ago and I feel he is on the rebound. Not that it matters but my wife said he makes her feel good and its exciting and new for her. I got angry and contacted the other man and told him off. He understood and has agreed to stay away from my wife. I am doing my best to trust that. I am checking my wife's cell phone bills and such to ensure that he is out of the picture.

My wife now says she needs space. She wont talk to me, wont touch me, and has very little interaction with me. It KILLS me inside. When I found out about her and the other man, I really had a revelation and realized what I have been doing and now, I feel nothing but love for her even after the emotional affair. I still want her back and I want to hold her so bad. I realize how I have mis-treated her and I underwent a change overnight that can only be described as a miracle from God. All the walls around my heart are gone, I am not embarassed to cry in front of anyone (I'm a man so this is pretty huge). I am willing to make any sacrifice for her.

I see 2 sides of this coin and need advice on which I should point to.

First - I could give her space. Break off all calls, text messages, and leave her alone. First, I have to find a way to supress the emotion and love I have for her to give her that. I haven't found a way to supress it yet. We still see each other (I just got back from lunch with her). I didn't express any emotions or talk about the situation. It was one of those "how is your day going" discussions. It was nice and when I dropped her off at work, she grabbed my hand and squeezed it a little bit so I know there is still hope and love there. Its just hard because I want SOOO much more than a hand touch. I want to hold and comfort her and wrap her in my arms.

Second - I feel that if I give her space, she will get the wrong impression. I dont want her to think I have given up or that I am not chasing her anymore. I dont want her to think that I am happy without her. I know she doens't need the added stress or guilt of seeing me so upset about the situation. But I dont want her to think I am happy and can live without her. Honestly, it takes EVERYTHING I got to put on a smile for her and be a happy person when I am crushed inside. Its by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

I think there is hope and things look good as of right now that they are going to turn around and we can start rebuilding our broken marriage. There are just a few balance points that I haven't figured out yet

Space versus Trying to get her back
Pain in my heart versus trying to be happy for her
Letting her know I love her versus pushing her too hard


I dont even know what to do TONIGHT. I pick her up from work and we go home with our 2 kids. What do I do or say? Should I avoid her and let her come to me? I think that would be best since it needs to be what SHE wants. The hard part is going on and doing my own hobbies around the house with the pain in my heart and her on my mind, trying to suppress the urge to cry my eyes out and to hold her.

[lonelylass]

Hi Zephirus79,

I would try your hardest to give her a little space (not too much as she could do more damage).

The main issue here is I think you need to sit down with her or with a counsellor and have a heart to heart, get everything out in the open.

If you have the time, I would suggest your read Teachermans' thread, it is a similar senario and you may pick up some advice there. I'm sure others wil be along to help soon. Try and look after yourself don't allow her to take control, you need to show her what she is doing to you and the children.

LoLa x

[mrwoz]

Hi there , i,m new here but i have looked at sooooo many threads over the last 4 months since my wife left me. Teachermans was my lastest. the bad part is we all get to this situation , i knew within 6 or 7 threads from Teach his wife had found somebody else,
i am in the same position as him nearlly word for word , but i know deep down i,m kidding myself that ( my wife ) has not found another . The best thing you can do my friend is to tell your wife what you have told us here . you knoe now what you have done and how you treated her . you think you have and can change and just ask her for another chance to prove it to her thats all you and any of us can do .
i really hope she listens to you my friend and you get another bite at it
good luck

[unet1]

I'm going through a similar situation right now. Trust me, it's no act of God. It was the threat of total and complete loss that jolted you. But heck, sometimes that is what it takes. Anyway, like you, anxiety has taken control of you and clouded your judgement. Every worse case scenario suddenly feels very plausible. First, I'd recommend you go get some individual therapy. It will help you deal with the pain. Your wife knows you and the relationship for what it was - not how you see it now. She won't suddenly embrace your epiphanies. She will be skeptical and confused. That is why she needs the space. You need to recognize that if she was finished with you, whe would have left. She is still hopeful even though you don't see it. Recognize that by giving her space, you are validating her emotions and showing that you love her. In the long run, she will appreciate you more for showing her that respect. In the meantime, get help on dealing with your anxiety so you can start thinking clearly again.

[Raymond]

As a woman Lonelylass could be right in allowing her space, but at the same time let her know you love her as you say.

I read something the other night which stayed with me viz "The principal to remember is to let go of anything that loves you and it will come back to you". i.e try not to smother her if she need the space just now.

Raymond

[val100]

Firstly what kind of space is she looking for? She in my opinion just needs to let her mind work through what has happened.

An emotional affair is just as awful as a sexual one. Your wife and this man were/ are both hurting. He you say has recently lost his wife, therefore he probably reached out to her with no malious or agenda due to his grief, Your wife has in some way been hurt and neglected by your actions and was therefore vulnerable to this man.
I believe that they are two people just caught up in their own grieving and this happened.

I would sit your wife down, very gently explain how you are feeling, tell her that you do not expect her to answer or reply to what you are saying. You are going to make a statement of love. Make it brief and to the point, Tell her what you are going to do for her, tell her you would like to have the opportunity to prove that you are a better man.
Then ask her to think about how she needs your help, tell her you need specifics as you don't want the potential of messing up, tell her she has as MUCH time as she needs to tell you but to just be mindful that you are full of fear and energy at the moment, fear that you and she won't grow old together and full of energy to be proactive and to fix your marriage. Then leave her be.

If you keep saying you love her, if you keep asking her when when when she will shut down. accept that squeeze on the hand and patiently wait for another. Ask her to lunch and talk about everything except your relationship.
Buy and read DR PHIL, relationship rescue.
You have to change you and she will see it.
Best of luck

[912jws]

I think as Val has said an emotional affair can be just as destructive especially when you don't confront the issues when they happen. My wife had one a few years back and I threatened to leave with our daughter at the time, my wife sorted herself out but unfortunately I never knew until our first counselling session last December that it was an emotional affair so although straight after the affair we got things back on track and seemed ok these feelings had resurfaced over the last couple of years due to my wifes actions ie.late nights out/locking works computer etc so making me think that something was going on.
This lack of trust I would say was the biggest contribution to the way I have felt over the last couple of years and has probably caused the most damage to why our relationship has ended.
I also went through the pushing/pulling away phase late last year and the counsellor said it is essential that you give your wife the space she needs which was easier said than done by the way she was acting.
The thing is I think there is a very fine line between backing off and actually letting go and it is down to you both how far that goes, I think I am in that place of no return now as I have let go and we have become far too distanced now in the last few months that I am losing or even feel that I have lost all my feelings now which is pretty sad, a c ouple of months ago I would of done anything to save our relationship but I think there is only so many times you can show you want to fight to save a relationship before you realise you are the only one doing the fighting and you end up giving up like I have :(

Good luck, it is never easy in any decision you make during these times!