My Wife Says She Needs Space

[nordicmatter]

My wife and 2 children went to stay with her mother 5 days ago saying that she needs space and time to think, also saying that i have not done enough with the children and that she feels we have drifted apart. She also accused me of having an affair a few months ago which is untrue and i was mearly comforting a male co worker in a divorce situation, This i have agreed with and that i should have been around more and gave her more attention and deny the so called affair

We have been together for 15 yrs married for 8 and never really had many arguments in that time. I love her beyond words and i am trying to think of ways to put this behind us and move on, at the same time working to resolve these problems. we meet for a few mins most days when she drops the kids off but she does not engage in conversation and just says don't pressure me at the slightest hint as to when she is comming back.

What should i be doing ??????

[Lanzo]

Hi NM

Your wife has asked for space so just give her that, when you exchange the kids don’t ask about the two of you, even “how are you today” may be pushing it. Just say “Hello Wife”, then if you try to make conversation just tell her what you and the kids will be doing. Wife has given you a clue that you don’t do enough with the kids so make sure you do something with them.

Top tips for you when you meet up with your wife, make sure you have, showered shaved and are looking and smelling good. If you need new clothes go out and buy some. What you will be doing here is projecting to W you have changed you’re not going to tell her you’re going to show her. If you want to really be radical get a tattoo or and earring (just joking on those). If your house needs tiding up do it, just in case wife drops in.

Finally, I know it’s tough but keep a smile on you face and stay upbeat when you see wife. She won’t openly show it but she’ll appreciate seeing a happy you rather than a miserable you.

Keep posting and keep us up to date.


Lanzo

[Desperate]

Very good advice from Lanzo. No amount of pleading, or convincing works in such situations. In fact, it only serves to push people further away:


Do not push her, do not ask her about the future - back off completely.
Do not initiate contact. Let her make ALL of the contact with you (Except where your children are concerned)
Always look happy in front of her. Be polite, smile, look as though you have a real "feel good" factor about yourself.
Look smart, healthy and smell good. Groom yourself but make it look natural, not overkill.
Try and get involved in some exercise, it really is the single most beneficial thing you can do when you are upset and stressed...it helps you think clealy and gives you strength to "keep the distance" until she knows where she is in her life.
Eat well, eat healthy.
Don't sit by the phone waiting for her call. Get out, get out and do things, with kids where possible...she needs to believe that you are happy and enjoying life.In essence, you need to work on reverse phsycology. I know it's hard because you find yourself thinking, worrying, hurting, not sleeping etc. But trust me on this. From experience, you need to "show" her that you are not what she believes. You can't "tell" her that...after 15 years together, she will believe she knows you well and your words and promises will be empty ones to her.

Good luck.

[Raymond]

Both good advices apart from the tatoos although I know that was a joke.

I think you have to see her point about the children and be convinced about it. Just doing it to get her back will not last.

If people love you you must let them go and they will come back to you stronger.

Raymond

[912jws]

NM,

I feel for you buddy, I had the need space, tried counselling but it was too late and I am now living on my own, have been for 6 weeks but I actually left the family home after Christmas.
My wife had an emotional affair not long after our first child was born(5 years ago) which is what I put most of the blame on the way I have been feeling recently, but also as she blurted out last week which may be the same issue your wife has is that she says that she has felt like she has had no 'downtime' since the kids were born and she is getting that now we are apart! She basically has the best of both worlds at the moment but I think to myself how long does she think this can last, eventually she will want to be with something else(if she isn't slready?) and then however long down the line she will be in exactly the same place as she is now but she won't have the person that truly did love her there anymore.
I think the tips the others have suggested are very valid and sometimes hard to abide by like I made the mistake on commenting on how she is living her life at the moment and that her spending seems to be spiralling out of control and she has made it perfectly clear what direction she is heading in. I know it is difficult and as I have found out you need to detach all your emotions which i am trying to do. Also you may find yourself doubting your feelings towards her because you feel rejected which I think is entirely normal, this is how I feel at the moment and it feels like I don't know her anymore and we don't have anything in common, it's a really weird feeling I can tell you.
I am still there 100% for my kids and try and have them a couple of days a week or more where possible.

Try and be positive and try and detach and see how that goes.

Chin up!

Jon

[nordicmatter]

Thanks for the advice

I have already done alot of the things mentioned i.e
completely cleaned and tidied house which was in a state. This was probably due to her feeling down and me in my stupidity not noticing and the times that i did making comments as to why its not done.

I have the Children everyday and try to do something constructive with them. I have really enjoyed this time and you do not realise what fun they can be if you just give them the chance, rather than seeing them as a chore.

i am guilty of questioning as to time scale etc, do you miss me, do you love me, i need to know now, etc which i now see as a problem.

I will take on board all the advice and see how it goes (except the tatoo and earing)

thanks

[nordicmatter]

I have now been doing as sugested in regards to emotions and putting no kind of pressure on her and it has had a strange effect.

She was a little taken a back and looked abit confused when she was dropping the children off a couple of nights ago.

I then saw her when one of my girls went horse riding for half an hour.
I tried to make polite conversation but got a very cold responce and could see she was in a bad mood.

She then dropped round a few hours later so i kept my chin up, i hinted towards the fact that maybe it was too soon to be attending joint events even for the childrens sake as i could see it made her angry (i did ask prior to attending and she said it would be fine and also nice for said daughter) She responded by saying she was having a bad day.

Last night when collecting the children she asked me how i am and have i been speaking to my own family. I could see she might of wanted to talk. i said fine and did say if she does need to talk just call me. she said maybe tomorrow.

I am considering asking for completly no contact for a few days as i get a feeling she may be getting slight enjoyment from my pain in a punish him kinda way. This i will find very very hard as those few moments of seeing her make my day. How much longer should i wait until we should be at least talking? is the longer we leave it is going to make it harder to comunicate? i am scared that comming across strong will push her away as she will think that i don't care.

Help and advice please

thankyou all you have been a great help

[kyalan]

NM,

I feel for you - currently in a similar situation although W still hasn't decided what she wants
I've backed off, let her have her own space, tried to make a little conversation as possible, and let her do the talking.
She seems more interested in me now that I don't "seem" interested in her life and what she is doing....(although I am interested)

My mum of all people told me that women go through phases and that if I really want it to work, then sit tight, let her do what she wants and don't rock the boat - even if it kills you.....and trust me, it's killing me inside, but if it all comes good, then it will be worth it...(I hope)

good luck mate

Kyalan

[Lanzo]

NM,

I have now been doing as sugested in regards to emotions and putting no kind of pressure on her and it has had a strange effect.
Keep this up, don't put any pressure on W.


I am considering asking for completly no contact for a few days as i get a feeling she may be getting slight enjoyment from my pain in a punish him kinda way. This i will find very very hard as those few moments of seeing her make my day. How much longer should i wait until we should be at least talking? is the longer we leave it is going to make it harder to comunicate? i am scared that comming across strong will push her away as she will think that i don't care.


Don't break contact with W, what she is doing now is evaluating your changes to see if they are genuine or not. Trust me she will want to stay in contact with you if she likes what she sees. Everytime you meet just make at least one small attempt at civil conversation, if she refuses don't push it just try again next time.

Try not to put a time frame on things cos the situation could change tomorrow or it could take months, you just need to steel your resolve and remain patient.


Lanzo

[Lanzo]

Today i had a 30 min phone call to my wife which did not have many positive comments.

ths coversation was very civilised but she still feels bitter about the problems such as time with the children, lack of caring, poss affair that never happened, general attitude towards her family, never wanting to go on holliday do anything different etc, to which i am guilty as charged (but for the affair). i agreed with what she has said and that i want to prove that i can change and that this marriage is now my only interest and i want at least the chance to try and save it. She said she still loves me in a father to the children kind of way. but it has been so long of the above she feels that i have pushed her away.

I explaned that we should give it a second chance so i can show her that i can change and that if we didn't there will be times in the future that you will look at and think "what if ?" she also said a lepperd can't change its spots. I can change can't i ???. I feel at the moment i could change the world i am willing to try so hard.

i suggested counciling, taking it slow (bring the kids round for tea etc) even seperate beds so she could still live back at home. She did state a couple of "if i did come back" questions so it gave me some hope but on the whole i fell a bit down about the whole thing and am worried that its all going wrong.

She said she needs a few days to think about giving it a second try and will call me in the morning to arrange droping daughter no 2 off.

I will remain to be upbeat and positive when around her and will keep my fingers crossed. Is there anything else i should be doing???

I need your help and i am so grateful to all that posted in my previous thread


NM,

Your W will have heard you and you promises to change, the best and most effective way to turn her round is let your actions do the talking.

Go back to her list of complaints and work out a response for each of them and put it into action.

It's easy to talk the talk but let your W see you can walk the walk.


Lanzo

[val100]

Lanzo, You are incredibly spot on. I wish you had been there for me and my H because everything you are telling NM to do is what I needed my H to do. I begged and pleaded with him to hear me and when he didn't after a really long time I lost my way and had a stupid dangerous, etc affair and we ended.

He pulled and pulled at me to love him and I begged him to stop acting the way he was. I do love him but we are over and now I see him he is unkept, the house is a mess, his behaviour is ridiculous, he is just surviving and although the nuturing caring wife in me wants to save him the real me doesn't want that resposibility anymore. If I pulled up and saw him altogether and changed it would kill me even more as then I would know he is doing it for someone else.
NM he told me he would do anything for me, that he loved me beyond belief and yes he did but you know he wouldn't turn off the playstation for me he was hardly going to stop treating me like crap too.
I know no one will love me like he did but I know that if I ever meet someone new they will love me and treat me better than he did. I don't need to be loved as much I need to be respected and listened to this time. Love isn't enough.

[nordicmatter]

Thanks for you advice

She is dropping off number two child tomorrow so will see her responce,
I text her this evening to arrange a time and said there is no need to call me in the morning prior to dropping off no2.

She phoned me saying why did i text instead of talking (to be honest im not sure and was prob the wrong thing to do, but I was talking to her sister in law and she said just give her the space she needs) she also said today that if i really really loved her i would not have done the things i did in the past, I do love her and i cannot understand why i was like i was?

She used to have panic attacks for the last 6 years and could not stay in the house on her own, even to the point of leaving the house when i left for work to go to her family business with the kids until it was time to go to school\work. In the evenings her mother would always be there when i got home after a 11 hour day and i was fed up with the trapped feeling, it was like lock down and i could not even walk to the bottom of the street! and her mother i did snap at on occasion. when i did get spare time and she was around her family i could then have some me time and it just got out of control.
In all the six years i never once walked out on her or put her in a position of panic, this i feel was most of the cause as she would never confront me for fear of argument and me walking out the house for a little space.
i would never tell her the above and i am happy to take it all on my own back.

i will see what tomorrow brings

thanks all again

[Lanzo]

NM,

Women want to be listened to and understood, so when your W says somthing like this

she also said today that if i really really loved her i would not have done the things i did in the past, I do love her and i cannot understand why i was like i was?



A very good response would be "I can understand how my behaviour of the past would lead you to feel unloved by me but......"

From now on when W talks you have to listen, listen, listen, validate and empathise her grievences and where you can act positively on them.

The key now is to listen to her.


Lanzo

[nordicmatter]

I have today talked with my wife regarding divorce :(.
she has an meeting tomorrow with a solicitor and says this is what she wants, no second chance.
To get things out in the wash i gave her all the details of my co workers problems that was thought to be an affair. The bulk of it being that i was attracted to his partner but nothing happened but maybe that i wanted it to, at the time my wife had just got a new horse and maybe i was feeling a little rejected and i was at a weak point. nothing happened and i feel better for clearing the burden and it was only last night that i realised that poss wanting to is as bad as actually having one. she was not upset by this as she had already convinced her self that i have had an affair.

What can i do now??? i do not want to lose my wife, i love her the same as the day i married her and 1 glitch in 15 years was silly but she says this is not the main reason for divorce its the neglect over the years that has caused it.

I really need help at this very low point and what should i be doing???

[912jws]

The only thing you can do is go to counselling and get everything out in the open.
What really frustrates me in all of OUR similar problems is that when someone has decided they don't love you there are obviously reasons, I just don't understand why our partners have let these niggles build up over time to the extent that its too late!
Why not tell us why they are not happy when they are unhappy so things can be done to change the relationship to make it work?
It really pi$$es me off!

Jon

[nordicmatter]

I agree!
And the thing now is that we had a long talk and got evey thing out in the open and it felt very positive. she has since said she needs more time to consider things so there is a very small glimmer of hope yet.

time will tell

[912jws]

I hope so mate

[912jws]

Nice one Billy, are you past the cake eating stage yet :rolleyes:

Its funny because my missus went through chapter 6(The spending) after we split up, I think it was due to denial and and she had to prove to herself that she could have these things even though she can't really afford them!

I was wondering about the divorce bit though and about if you give them a divorce then they have gained brownie points? Perhaps thats why it wasn't mentioned in my wifes solicitors letter last week? As far as I am concerned the brownie points are gained when you decide the relationship is over which is what I made my wife decide in our last counselling session in Jan, it still didn't stop me trying afterwards to fix things as you do :rolleyes:

[val100]

Hey why didn't I find that forum they are way more intelligent LOL
Only joking.

I said some of those things and did some of those things I am ashamed to say however I did try to fix my marriage and I did tell my H what was making me sad, did everything I could even without arguing.

His mother was an issue, We went away for a night and I had just found out what she had done on our wedding day and I was in a terrible state I coundn't believe that he had lied to me about her and had let her get away with such behaviour.
Stupidly after a few drinks and having a romantic experience I asked him did he love me he said of course next wammy question would you chose me over your mother baring in mind what we were doing stupid of me to ask (we were on champagne I was in bed with him and his twin through my bubbled filled vision) considering what we were doing you think he would have lied. He said he didn't know, he loved his mum.
I showered and sat on the couch while he slept soundly but confused.

I gave up my family for him so it was important to me that I was as important to him as he was to me.

I did try honesty to make him hear what I needed.

I needed this.
To be higher on his list of priorities (above his aple mac and ipod)
To speak to his mum about the way she disrespected our family.
To help me with making decisions, To possibly go see the house we just bought.
To not be verbally or physically abusive.
To learn how to drive.
To go out with me just once in a while
To take care of me e.g when I have pnuemonia again (last time hospitalised was warned that my life was too stressful and I needed to slow down) he might not work late, To not wake me up in the middle of the night because he heard a nose and I should check it.
To understand you cannot call me a whore for no reason and think I should just to get over it, you cannot throw me off a train in a foreign country and expect me not to be upset.

To make me feel safe, to listen to me.

Did I ask too much? I would have settled for being taken care of.

Funy how we still miss them though.

[912jws]

Val,

I don't think you asked too much and some of the stuff the abuse etc should never be in a relationship full stop.
I think you did well to put up with it for so long and I guess the hardest part is you actually loved the man so you had a foundation there that he should of realised and made changes to make you happy.
That is the the problem with all of our relationships, our other halves think we ask too much of them when realistically we don't and rather than try and make a happy medium by comprimising it never works.
Comprimise is the biggest word that they fail to understand and its a real shame.

Jon