Wife feels no passion for me anymore

[unet1]

I am a new member and could really use some objective feedback. My wife and I have been married for three years (together for 5). My wife has always had bouts with depression and anxiety. Also, she has never been totally comfortable with sex. Sex sort of stresses her out.

I have seen how wonderful my wife can be when these issues don’t bog her down. There were days when she was so happy and then she would get stuck in yet another rut. I wanted to support her in overcoming this stuff, so I focused a lot of attention on her problems. We also went to therapy. It got to the point where I grew more and more frustrated that she wasn’t getting any better and she grew more and more distant.

Recently, I had a major epiphany. I realized that I was blaming her for all our problems and that I had not included myself in terms of responsibility. I made her feel like a total failure, even though my intentions were to help. Over the course of a week, I shared with her my new understanding. I took my share of blame and guilt. I explained to her that my approach to our issues was unfair to her and that I am to blame for making a difficult situation even worse.

The problem now is that she is totally shut down emotionally. She feels nothing for me inside – totally hollow. She doesn’t want any affection of any kind. I am the opposite. Since my breakthroughs, I want nothing but to be a more understanding and appreciative husband. When I talk about al of this with her, she tells me that 1) she feels totally hollow inside and 2) she hears everything I am saying but just doesn’t know how to handle/process it all. She is confused.

What do I do? It seems that the more I want to talk about it now, the more confused and distant she reacts. Help!

[Dave]

Hi Unet

Sounds like it's been a tough journey for the past few years.

Take a look at the article on Relational Needs (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/tips/relationalneeds.html)- I think you may find some clues there to help.

And remember the objective is to love your wife even when it's tough to do so - not just to make her "feel better", but to be there for her when she is down. Sometimes this involves getting alongside in her pain and misery so she knows you really hurt the way she does - that's much tougher to do.

Best wishes

Dave

[unet1]

Thanks Dave. I also have some more details to share that complicate my situation. My wife always regretted not going to college. So, 5 years ago, I wanted to support her goal and let her go get her degree. She quit her job and relies on me financially. This has created a strange situation. I have become a 'provider' of sorts. She told me that she sometimes views me as a 'father figure'. I am 5 years older than her, but that doesn't seem like much of an age gap! I think the problem is that I pay everything and also provide guidance/mentoring in her education since I went through that stuff 13 years ago. Also, her peer group is now a bunch of twenty-something college students. You can imagine how weird she must feel in the bedroom if she sees me like a father!! How can I get us back to being a loving husband and wife. I'm dealing with her depression and all of this other weird stuff. It's all new for me..hard to figure out what to do. She tells me that she is confused..not sure if she wants kids anymore. On one hand, she is an adult student trying to start all over professionally and on the other hand, she is 34 years old with a 39 year old husband.