I think my husband is having an affair at the office

[needtoknow]

It is only a two person office, he and his secretary. They go to lunch together every day as well. Many of the tell tale signs are missing, but I have confronted him in the past so he could have gotten sneakier.
Our home is an hour away from his office so it is difficult for me to check on him.

Sometimes I have entered the office unannounced, and get strange looks from his secretary. I have never caught them at anything, but still there are things that puzzle me. My husband used to invite me to have lunch with him and let his secretary fend for lunch on her own. Now he says I can come to lunch with he and his secretary. She shows up late for work many days a week, and yet he will not fire her. She's been working there for about 7 years. I am honestly getting the feeling I am no longer wanted at his office, but he denies it, and tells me I am paranoid.

Am I nuts or how many men would keep a secretary that constantly showed up late unless something was going on?

My husband worked late last week to catch up before we went out of town for the weekend,
and didn't bother to tell me his secretary would be working late as well, until 9PM. I just happened to call, and heard her voice.

I have even discussed this with a female therapist, who took my husband's side in saying that his secretary was well skilled in her occupation, and that it would be difficult for my husband to replace her.
It is easy to replace someone who doesn't come to work on time, and I'm talking about someone who arrives at 11AM just in time to go to lunch.

I went to a restaurant with my husband that he takes his secretary to during the week, and had the waitress ask him where his wife was. I guess she assumed I was the other woman. I'm beginning to believe I am.

My husband says he loves me frequently, but I'm just not getting actions that back up the words. We have been married over 30 years, and he seems to have no interest in me sexually anymore. I am feeling starved for attention. I can't remember the last time he bought me flowers or jewelry or anything. I have tried piling attention on him, in order to get it back, but it doesn't work.

Aren't there some kind of devices I could plant in his office or car to catch him? When I raise hell, he promises to fire her, but he always postpones it.

[relaxeddevil]

hi,

i really feel sorry for u... but one thing... u have been married for 30 yrs... think 30 yrs is a long time... and now after 30 yrs u realized this...

but give ur hubby sme attention... he needsattention too... maybe his sec. is sexy and good looking... so u also dress up like her act like her for a change... look younger

and best of luck

keep me posted http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/ubb/smile.gif

[Kate]

Dear Needtoknow,

I wonder if you've had the chance to visit the area of the site about infidelity (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/). There are some good articles that might help.

Michelle Weiner-Davis's article on change (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/whyme/) is an interesting one on how to deal with apparently intractible situations.

Suspicion can slowly poison trust, so I can understand that you are desperate to get to the bottom of things, but have you stopped to ask yourself what you want from the situation. Is it about knowing or being proved right or is it about saving your marriage? That may seem a bit simplistic, but the attitude you have will affect how you handle things.

If your husband is being tempted by his secretary, then being hostile and suspicious may push him away. It's not an easy situation to deal with. You could try explaining to him how you feel and that you want his help to rebuild the trust in your relationship. If something is going on that may challenge him to face up to the effect it's having on you.

Good luck

Kate

[needtoknow]

Kate,
Yes I read the articles here on infidelity, and everywhere else that I could find.

My husband keeps telling me that I am just crazy, and that he has no interest in his secretary. His secretary and I look somewhat alike. She is about 10 years younger, 40ish. Perhaps my husband wasn't interested in her originally, but she has worn blouses to the office that were cut too low, and were terribly unsuitable for a business office. She is definitely interested in him. At the time I said something to him about her apparel, and it finally got resolved. The secretary attempts to involve him in her private life, and the life of her daughter. She even once asked if if something happened to her if we would take on the raising of her daughter. I said no. My husband never wanted our children down at his office, but has no problem with his secretary bringing hers occasionally during the summer. And he has always bought this child a gift on her birthday and at Christmas. She is not his child if that's what you might be thinking.

I hate being or feeling suspicious. Today I don't feel as strongly that something is going on, but at other times I really have nagging doubts of his faithfulness to me in regards to this person I have no intention of doing anything other than demanding he fire her. Oddly, I really don't think my marriage is in jeopardy. This secretary is a bit crude & loud, and my husband is the proverbial stuffed shirt.

He knows how I feel about her, but nothing changes. It is perhaps possible nothing IS going on, and that my husband is using her to make me jealous. Of this I'm at least certain. If that were true, why would he do that? I know he is a bit insecure, but then so am I.

The other night I had a horrible nightmare about my suspicions of his infidelity with the secretary, and it so startled and unnerved me in my sleep, that I bolted awake, and had one heck of a time getting back to sleep. Then the following day it just seemed to be eating a hole inside me.
I was all shaky, sick at my stomach, and finally had to take an anti-anxiety pill to calm myself down.

There is something else that bothers me. My husband lies a bit. Not anything big that I know of, but he does lie by omission and tell small lies. And I guess I fear that if he's willing to tell the small lie, then it's probable there are other bigger lies being told. Occasionally he will own up to them. It seems to run in his family, though I must say, he is the least afflicted. There is a viciousness nature to the lies of certain members of his family, and an unscrupulousness about them. He finally couldn't tolerate them anymore, so we no longer associate with any of his family.

It seems important to him that he isn't like them, and yet, deep down, there is a residual effect of his upbringing that he doesn't seem to notice, but is apparent to me. It's gotten to the point that I anticipate that he will lie to me, and truthfully when we met, I believe quite a number of things he told me were lies to make himself look good in my eyes.

I think it all boils down to whether or not he is really & truly trustworthy. I actually would bear more animosity for being lied to for a long period of time than being cheated on. I believe an honest person can make a mistake and get caught up in an affair by not facing up to the real problems in a marriage, but if someone is a liar, then they can never be trusted about anything ever, particularly when it seems an ingrained part of their personality.