trying to forgive but its hard

[embrace11]

Hi there,

I have recently found out my wife of two years has been having an affair with another woman. She said it only lasted about two months but as you can imagine my world has shattered around me. We have talked and I feel that I can forgive her for what she has done and try to put this all behind us. One of my rules so to put it was that she cut all ties with this woman and never spoke to her again. She said this would be hard as they have been good friends for over a year and insisted this is just something that happened, it wasn't planned and it was a curious thing that would never happen again as she knows not its not what she wants.

But now she gets this strange feeling that if she stayed friends with this woman just as friends it would prove to me more that she can be trusted. By just staying friends and nothing more this would prove to me it would never happen again. (If this makes sense)

Am I in the wrong now for asking her to never speak to this woman again or should I say this is the way its going to be. If she ever sees her again it will always be on my mind and I feel its the only way we can save our marriage if she never sees her again. I know I have gone on a bit but my head is all over the place and I just need someone to talk too as I have no one.

Any help would be greatful.

[Micou]

Hi Embrace

You've come to the right place if you need someone to talk to. You will find a whole community of the most wonderful people on here.

No way should you tolerate her and the other woman being friends! ALL contact with the other party must be completely deleted immediately.

If I ever find out that my husband has still maintained contact with the woman that he had the affair with - am gone! She has to respect that if you two are to start again from zero, rebuilding trust and healing your pain from her betrayal, then she will need to respect the fact that your knowledge of her still "seeing" the other party will be very hurtful and therefore this tie must be cut.

Sorry, it's non-negotiable!

[Raymond]

Seems like she has seen her mistake and put it right but wants to prove to herself (and you) that she is free from this kind of temptation. If she is sure that she will not slip again I can't see a problem, but you will know her better than I do. If you don't let her keep this friend she will think that you do not trust her now. I think it's worth the risk. We often go in to old areas to prove we are not tempted by the things we used to be. It helps our confidence. In this case the friendship might be a good one apart from the slip.

The only reservation I would have is if this woman is a lesbian. If that is the case then I would have reservations. Why open yourself to more temptation?

Raymond

[embrace11]

Thanks for the reply 2 different responses.

What makes this harder is the fact that I had an idea for the past few weeks what was going on but only had it confirmed and she confessed all on Friday, so it has only been 3 days. The second reply about it may seem i dont trust her if I dont allow her to stay friends with this woman, well to be perfectly honest, I don't trust her at the minute and I need her to prove to me "my way" that she can be trusted by cutting all ties with her. If she manages to do this I will see the trust but obviously she sees it a different way.

it seems she wants it on her terms and thats what I cant get my head around. For me a great step in starting to save our marriage is for her to cut her out of her life and show to me and our son that we matter more than her.

For her it seems that if she stays friends with her and resists temptation again thats showing me more trust.

Am I right or is she. Am I being to hard on her or am I right in what I am asking her to do. I just don't know anymore and its tearing me apart.

[Micou]

At the end of the day, only you can really decide. Personally, I wouldn't tolerate it at all. In order to heal and repair the damage done, she would need to prove that I am more important than the other person - therefore cut the tie! That would prove to me that there is real remorse there and that I matter so much that I am worth the sacrifice of the other person.

[clockwork orange]

Hi e11. Whew, tough one for you. I speak from your wife's point of view but a few steps further on - she will need to break off contact at some point. My H was a lot more patient with me than he should have had to be, for which I thank God, but in the end walking away from my friend was the only option. This because of the emotional ties that are formed which are nigh impossible to break while there is still contact. Curious, serious, whatever - makes no difference. Proving temptation can be resisted shouldn't be necessary - the Bible says we should flee from it. My experience has been that is the only thing that works. Hope that helps.

[embrace11]

Hi there,

Thanks for the advise. It was good to be able to talk to others as I have had to keep it all inside myself and had no one to have a chat with. We have talked and she has decided to cut all ties. At first she wanted to stay casual friends, (nothing like what it used to be like with her going round for a few drinks now and then or phone calls all the time) but she wanted to just be able to phone her now and then just to catch up but after seeing how against it and upset it would make me she has decided it would be best to leave her behind.

She knows its going to take time for me to fully trust her again and this is the best possible start in the road to recovery and I do belive she can do it.

I would like to thank the people on here for listening to my problems but I really had no where else to turn to.

It might sound daft but I hope I dont have to post on here for a long time and if I do it is to give advice to others.

Thanks all

[SadBill]

God Embrace,
I pray that things are okay with you now, my wife was the polar opposite, she refused to give up her lover as a friend, preferring to keep his number hidden on her cell phone as a stupid code name, even after she lied to me and told me that she had "finished" up with him. How difficult is it for someone who is trying to regain trust and affection for their husband or wife to do that? that they think its okay to remain in touch with someone is beyond my realm of thought. That its okay to stay in touch with the person that they slept with, that they let into a sacred place, the unity of a couple, and trounced all over it.
I get so annoyed by the lies that I have been told, repeatedly and daily, that there was unfinished business between them, that I was supposed to allow this to run its course, like an idiot, to sit and watch as she dealt with her lover, and I, the husband, the person that had done nothing wrong was told to hang on while she basically got things out of her system.

You people here seem like mostly a good bunch, please forgive my ranting on, its just so hard, and its the first time I think that I have found people who have been put through a similar situation.

I pray for the ability to see people differently, but as yet the Lord and I are on different pages on that, and I cannot trust people to not hurt me. I cannot let people get close, and its hard. My wife was everything and my kids still are, but its so difficult to see that everyone is not a potential adulterer, that infidelity is not an inbuilt thing ( or at least I hope and pray daily), but her actions have reduced my faith in humanity.
God bless Embrace.
Bill

[Raymond]

Be assured Bill that there are thousands and even millions around who wouldn't dream of adultery out of principal, whether they are going through a tough patch or not. These problems are brought to the fore on here. That makes it seem like it's happening with everyone but its not, be assured.

Raymond