husband not sure what he wants

[astromoggy]

Hi

I wrote on this site back in October when I was 7 months pregnant. My husband had told me he didn't know if he loved me and needed some time. He'd also been texting a girl from his work course and going on facebook every day befriending various lingerie clad girls, knowing I didn't like it, especially as I was a whale like shape and struggling with it.

We spent a week apart for him to think and he wanted me to come back, and I wanted to come back. But it's never really felt the same. I thought it would need to take time, and maybe the birth of our baby would be a turning point. We had a boy at the end of December, and for a while I thought things were going okay - we started looking at houses, had an offer accepted on one and are just waiting for the vendor to find somewhere they want to go to.

However, he's still going on facebook and I have told him that I'm not comfortable with him messaging single girls, advertising himself on some dating forum where you can either 'flirt' or 'wink' at someone, and he said he'd come off, but he hasn't.

At the weekend, he went out and stumbled back in totally plastered, without the friend of his that was supposed to be crashing on our sofa. I told him he ought to keep his mobile switched on in case his friend was trying to get hold of him. A message came up straight away so I opened it for him assuming it would be friend and it was some girl called Lindsay. I asked him who she was and he tried to grab for the phone so I looked at his messages in front of him and there was a small chain between them, she had sent him a message telling him not to get too drunk in case some woman takes advantage of him and replied telling him he was 'saving himself for her lol'.

The following morning I confronted him and it turns out she's some girl from facebook (not from the area) who swapped numbers with him, and that I was overreacting because he'd put 'lol' which clearly means he was only joking. It opened up the wound of October for me, which I never felt was fully resolved, and he admitted that he had kissed someone else back then, a flatmate of his friend, but they'd both regretted it straight away. He also tells me he's addicted to facebook and the attention he gets from the girls, and whilst he would never cheat on me in the sense of meeting them or having sex, he doesn't know if he'll stop texting this Lindsay. if you were to look at his profile, he has removed his marital status and I'm sure he gives no hints that he is a married man. I told him that I wanted it to work with him, and that whilst I'm angry that he kissed this girl, the fact he (eventually) came clean is something, and I would try and put it behind us, provided he stopped with all the chasing other girls on the internet, and giving out his number. He said he'd try. He thinks he wants to be with me but feels empty and doesn't feel happy with himself or his life and doesn't know why.

I'm really trying to get past this because we have 3 beautiful children and I truly love him, and think if we can snap him out of this weird depressive state then he'll realise how stupid he's been behaving and that he's got so much to be happy about. But then I found a phone bill from October, I was about to rip it up but remembered that was the month he kissed this girl. I remember everything that happened back then like it was yesterday, so I looked at the dates, and this girl who he apparently kissed once and regretted immediately, he also text about 30 times over a four day period - right over when he kissed her, to when he left me the night he wasn't sure if he loved me to stay with a friend (friend with the flatmate he kissed) and the day after. So now it doesn't add up.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Should I confront him, or am I kidding myself that we'll ever get back to how we were? We've been together for 7 years, married for 5 and whilst I really want a life with him, I feel like things still aren't adding up? Am I a fool for letting him get away with all this?

[astromoggy]

Hi Billyboy

Thanks - I know what you mean about being the fallback. I'm still confused as to whether I can even carry on after this - my indepdent woman voice in my head is telling me to have some self respect and get rid. Hubby has been making a bit of an effort - giving me big kisses when he leaves for work and beelining for me when he gets home to do the same, which is nice. he's also not been on facebook for a week though I think if I were to go out of the house long enough he'd be on there like a shot - I'm still on maternity leave so home near enough all the time and get all my stuff out of the house done whilst he's at work. He's also started stashing his mobile when he's in the shower or going for a run in the morning. Normally leaves it lying around, but I thought just for fun I'd hunt for it and found it in his dressing gown pocket switched off - what the hell is that all about?

The only thing is if he kissed someone once why wouldn't it happen again? Part of me thinks if I asked him to go he would soon realise what he has with me, but I have such little trust in him I don't think I'd take him back because I'd never know what he got up to in our time apart, and the thought of him kissing this girl makes me feel bad enough let alone anything else. I'm still debating whether to confront him over the fact the girl he kissed and regretted immediately was also the girl he text for two days solid after that, the first person he text when he walked out on me in October and also why the hell he text her at 1am when he was in the same house as her that night? I've already decided on the whole story that he was texting her because she'd gone to bed and he was trying to get in there with her, but what if I'm wrong? Or even worse what if I'm right?

Sorry to rant I am just so mixed up.

[Raymond]

Hes playing with fire Astro. It is a kind of mental adultery which if left alone will get worse depending on the person. It's fantasy land really but it is still dangerous. The empty feelings he is getting could be to do with it. It is a type of unfaithfulness as well, especially if it moves into the sexual area, even only in words. It is not a game and you are wise to let him know how you feel about it. Your feelings are perfectly natural and understandable. This can become addictive and is the thin end of the wedge that could lead further. You cannot play around with these things. It doesn't work. It will affect ones married relationship because you are relating to others of the opposite sex in the wrong way.

How to get him off of it? I don't know. The first step would be for him to see it is wrong which he probably knows deep down anyway. Also you must express to him what it is doing to you. No way should you accept this as normal.

Raymond

[Delilah]

As I was reading your first post my intial though was - your husband is depressed and then ofcourse you said this yourself further down. However, I have a friend who was engaged to a lovely man and they bought a house together, he became quite depressed and eventually told her that he didnt love her anymore. They split and when it was time for her to move out, her bf realised his error and what an idiot he had been.

Now depression is a horrible thing, I have experienced it and it does leave you feeling empty, miserable with a feeling of no way out. All your emotionas feel dulled as if the life in you has been sucked away. My friend and I ahve talked about her previous situation and we both ahve said the same thing, that her bf was looking for something that just didnt exist, he was unhappy with certain aspects with his life and that seeped into other areas contaminating that which was fine.

Now I dont know if this is what your oh is feeling but I am guessing that maybe some of it applies to him. What he is doing is emotional adultery, he is not single and is breaking his marriage vows to you, his promises in your life together. You are unsure as to whether he is going to stop and suspect that if you left the house he would be straight back on the computer - that is no way to live, on the edge, worrying.

I too would strongly suspect the fact that he is putting his mobile away but you appear to doubt yourself and your intuition, I wouldnt. Sorry but he is changing his behaviour, in those circumstances all the signs demonstrate that he is hiding something.

If he is with you, then he should be putting 100% into your marriage not into his little fantasy world. All he is doing is putting you through torture and impacting negatively on all your children. If he doesnt know whether he will stop texting this girl then maybe he is still doing this (esp of he is hiding his phone!) plus the fact he is with you and saying this is terrible!! He should be ashamed of himself for messing you about - you are not a convenience for him to pick up and put down as and when he decides. Would he like you texting some man and telling him I dont know if I can stop....he needs to decide as he cant have his cake and eat it. At the moment in my view you cannot trust him one inch as both his actions and words tell you this!

[astromoggy]

Thanks guys for your replies, even though deep down I know I'm not wrong to feel or act the way I have been, it's always good to feel like someone's backing you up and you're right I know, his behaviour is unacceptable, as is keeping in touch with the girl he recently gave his number to.

Re the depression, because of my oh's job, he can't just go to the doctors like most people and talk about how he's feeling and more than likely get a prescription. But I've told him he needs to do something about this because if he doesn't sort it out whos to say in a few months we're not here again, and in all honesty I don't think I could go through this again. So we've talked a bit though it is a bit like blood out of a stone with him, and I ordered him some St johns wort because I always think it's best to try the herbal route before the clinical, and I'm hoping that does something.

I decided to confront him about this phone bill with his texts to the girl he kissed back in October. He was initially reluctant to say but I said if he really wanted us to work then I need to have all my questions answered because I can't put it behind me when I still have niggles. So I asked him why he text her if they were both so ashamed and he explained that it began with them agreeing to forget it, but because of her living with his friend, he got left out of a few social nights because she had said she didn't want him to come because he wants more out of her. He apparently text her explaining he too thinks it was a mistake and that their mutual friend is now getting caught in the middle because he had to exclude my oh from nights out etc and it got into a bit of an argument, and eventually Dan gave up trying to make her see that he didn't want anything more.

Maybe others wouldn't, but I do believe him. I'm hurt though because she tagged a picture of the two of them together the night they kissed on his facebook profile and I remember one time shortly after this happened in October (and well before I knew) I asked who the girl was in the picture because they looked like a couple and he played it down. I brought that up saying I felt like he was mocking me, and he said it made him feel really guilty but he was too scared to tell me when I was pregnant. Probably part fear of him causing some damage and part fear that I'd make some radical decision to get back at him like not allowing him the room when I was in labour.

He said this other girl whos text I found at the weekend hasn't text him yet and he will tell me if she does ("because I might as well as I'll only get crucified for it later" - which wasn't really what i needed to hear). I made a joke of him hiding his phone and he said "well you're checking up on me, you go through my phone bills and stuff". I tried to explain that I actually don't go through his phone bills, it was just too much of a coincidence that I should find this October one and that him hiding his phone doesn't help, but I don't know how to word it so he sees. I admit I checked his phone once a long time ago, and I'm not proud of it and I haven't told him, but I'm not going to do it again. I don't want to be the wife that checks her husbands phone because to me that just shows we have no chance of a future.

he told me he's desperate to go on facebook every morning but his plan is to leave it til the weekend, maybe go on once or twice, and then try and go longer and then close his profile. I'm pleased if it works but we'll watch this space at the moment.

My big concern is if I can ever go back to how we were in my head. I feel like I've had all my questions answered about the girl he kissed (though my inner bitch is finding it hard to get over it without a big showdown with her!!) so I want to move past it, but when I look back to a year ago when we took our children to Eurodisney (and also worked out we conceived our little boy there!) we had the best holiday, we were so happy, I just can't ever see myself being that happy again knowing what I know now. Am I just expecting too much too soon?

I have to try because I don't want to break my family up, and I do believe that he is sorry (after all, he could have not told me and I would never have found out seeing as 5 months had already passed) and he said he loves me and wants to work this out. Maybe this st johns wort will help lift him out of how he is feeling - i'm glad you agree he has some form of depression. In some ways its a relief to me because I feel like it's something we can tackle, rather than something that I can't do anything about.

Another big problem that I haven't approached with him is that we have had an offer accepted on a house. My dad is giving us a very large deposit (which is kind of my inheritance early because he said he'd rather help us now when we need it, then leave it for when he's gone which will hopefully be many many years in the future) and whilst I think a new start is good for us, I feel like I need some sort of protection so that if he doesn't stop, or he cheats again (even a kiss, I know that one more time will be it for me) that if it comes to having to sell the house, which it will as we can't afford it on one income, that my inheritance is at least returned to my dad, and basically he doesn't get 25k and leave me struggling as I'm not badly paid but he's the breadwinner and I couldn't afford a house the size i need in a decent area where I live on my own, even with a big deposit. Is this something I should mention whilst everything is still fresh, or leave until the ball is rolling on actually buying the property? Or if we're really giving this another go should i not do anything and trust that he wouldn't try and claim the money as his?

sorry, I'm ranting again!!

C x

[Raymond]

You are doing well in trying to clear the air Astro, but obviously you still have your doubts about him, will he cheat etc. You don't want that. He is getting addicted to this facebook thing. The sooner he cuts that down or out the better. Addictions are something that control us that we cannot master.

With regard to buying a house if you go for joint ownership the proceeds will be split down the middle when sold. If you go for tenants in common you will own a part each in your own right. I think that this can be any ratio or percentage you decide.

Raymond