devastated

[David]

On January 22 I came home to find that my wife had left me ,
She never left a note I had no idea where she had gone or why she left except for that we were arguing a bit much lately.

On Jan 24 while surfing the web I found out how to get into her personal e-mail account whereas I found out that she has been living a double life. She has been involved in a internet affair.

Apparantely from what I can figure out based on her behaviour in the past years and how she changed radically. She met this man online in a chat program 3- 6 months after we were married in 97
I think the relationship remained plutonic untill the summer of 98
she then has visited him several times without my knowledge(visiting friends etc). I found out because of her correspondance with friends that she has indeed moved in with this individual and is now residing in Colorado.
I had no idea that this was going on at all I am devastated.......
I cannot beleive she carrried this on for so long and still remained with me.

[Unregistered]

Dearest David,
I can clearly hear your pain through your words. I believe my husband is having an affair with another married woman. This woman is a co-worker of his and she has four children. I don't know what to do. We just had a beautiful baby girl almost 3 months ago, and I can't understand him. He says there's nothing going on when I confront him about it, but I've dropped by unexpectedly at his work and find them almost sitting on top of each other. He also brags about her and puts me down in the same sentence. I know that you'll have the strength to move on. I hope I have the strength to leave because I've been thinking about it. He insults my intelligence and my looks when he used to say I was beautiful. I can't live like this anymore, and I want to work it out but he doesn't seem to want to. I can't make him love me. A person either cares or they don't. You are not alone, my friend. I know that someday she'll see what she lost when she left you. You deserve someone better, and I will pray that you'll find her. Take care. You have so much to offer.
Gwen.

[Davo]

Thank you for your comments on my particular situation and I sense that you are in the same boat. If you love him I think you should confront him with your suspicions ,don't make the same mistake I did.
I did not pay attention to the warning signs. My wife for the past years had been emotionally abusing me (critical of my actions ,how I dress etc) I spent most of my time by defending myself to her symptoms. I just wish i had come to this site sooner. I still don't understand why my wife is so mad at me the way she moved out (she has not contacted any of our families as of yet,She left our wedding pictures but took her wedding dress ). It was like she was holding me responsible for her infidelity. I would be lying if I said I did not miss her, I do ... I want her back but I know that it would not be healthy for me. I am no pyschologist but I feel "she is not done with me yet" so to speak. what do you think? Do you think she will contact me , or just start divorce preceedings. Either way it would be nice to have an idea, at least.
David

[Unregistered]

I understand your pain cause I share it. I just found out that my husband has been having an affair, same thing he traveled to supposedley visit friends and come to find out he was meeting with her. I see that you found out how to look into email accounts, he says it's over but I need reassurance, would you tell me how I can go and view the email account? youe help will be greatly appreciated.

[Liz]

I'm sure Davo will reply to your specific request, but let me ask whether checking up on your husband's email account is really going to help. It may give you reassurance to some extent, but it won't rebuild the trust between you. It may even destroy it.

Can I suggest that you look at some of the articles in the Infidelity (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) area of the site and in particular at the article on rebuilding trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/).

Surely you would be more reassured if your husband was willing to let you have open access knowingly to his email account. In that way you would not be "going behind his back" and you would be building accountability into your relationship from which trust would hopefully grow.

[alimac]

I down loaded PC security called winvestigator on www.tropsoft.com

This enables you to see all passwords and all keystrokes, just follow the online instructions.

[alimac]

Don't get me wrong I am not proud of what I did by checking on my husband, but since his accident almost three years ago he has changed.

He went from a man who loved and idolised me to someone who now resents me and if I try to get close to him he acts as if I repulse him. moving away and keeping his distance.

I admited to him that I downloaded the software and that I knew what was going on and he still denied it saying its only for a laugh. He seems to be the only one laughing,

[Dave]

Dear Alimac

Your posting mentions an "accident", but you don't share what this refers to.

A serious accident can put enormous strains into a relationship becuse it changes the way that both people see each other. Did you have to care for him afterwards - perhaps he now fears you see him as weak and dependant? Has it left him with scars, emotional or physical, that cause him to doubt his own value and worth?

It seems to me that issues around watching his e-mail are distracting both of you from the need to truly love, affirm and value each other - this is where the foundations of your marriage count!

Quite probably there are real issues flowing from the "accident" that need professional help in healing - it's not a sign of weakness to seek it - rather its a sign of taking real responsibility for the quality of your relationship

Dave

[alimac]

My husband was a Commercial Diver and had an industrial accident. He did not require long term care. The company that he worked for retired him within 30 seconds after reading his medical condition that the accident has left him with, he is now in the process of suing them.

He won't discuss the problems that we are having and will most definately not attend therapy. He is just quite happy to tell anyone who will listen on the internet that his marriage is a sham his wife is very attractive but just does not like sex (this is not true) he constantly runs me down. So why does this man want to stay married to me?

[Dave]

Dear Alimac

At a guess, your husband is suffering from "Rejection", probably brought on by the trauma of the accident and then being laid off.

He is pushing you away in order to prove himself right! He wants to be able to say "There, I am worthless, even my wife has rejected me now!". This is not uncommon, but is very corrosive to any relationship.

The most important things you can do are to show him that he is still valuable and loved, and that although the way he treats you is really hurtful and degrading, you want to make the marriage work. One way to do this may be by really focusing on your memories of the wonderful husband you know he has been and can be - don't let his charade of rejection stand between you and the man you love.

It is in the nature of true and lasting love to defeat rejection, not by force, but ultimately showing the other person that they are truly loveable and valuable.

It will be a tough road, so try to find some friends, perhaps a church if you have one, or even some professional help for yourself - but don't give up!!

Dave