Now What?

[libertybelle]

Hi. I'll try to make a long story short. I'm married 24 years with 2 kids. Two summers ago my husband began to act irritable, distant, disinterested. Physical intimacy dropped dramatically from 2-3 week to 2-3 month. Eventually, after a big blow up he told me that I had neglected him since the birth of our youngest child and he had given up on us. He also said I was the cause of his unahppiness and basically this was all my fault. I agreed he had some valid points about me and said I would try to change. We also went to marriage counseling. Well as the months rolled by, my husband continued to blame me for our problems and said he couldn't get past them. As we went to counseling it became apparent to the counselor (and me) that my husband cannot forgive my actions or accept responsbility for his. Eventually the counselor said for my husband to return alone. He did once. Well things have gotten worse. He had dropped a bombshell on me 2 summers ago and it was not resolved. He maintains he wants to stay married yet our marriage is a shell of itself. Physical intimacy is almost non-existent because he says that is the schedule I set, now he is no longer interested. I tell him that he is hurting me by is anger and resentment and he said that is because I caused the intial problem for all these years. I finally got him to go back to MC last week and the counselor said that my husband has to accept some of the responsbility for what happened to us. My husband said it was basically all me. I am completely at a loss at my husband of 24 years. He is unforgiving, rigid, uncompromising and blames everyone but himself for our problems. When we go back to counseling I am going to mention about some sort of timetable for my husband resolving his feelings. We can't go on like this. We cannot discuss anything without him telling me I did this to us. This not only hurts me deeply, he also uses past mistakes as a crutch for everything. I am hurt and angry and very confused. I asked my husband if there was or is anyone else, but of course he denies it. I had to think there might be another woman but I am beginning to think very seriously there is one or his feelings have changed and he wants to leave the marriage but doesn't know how. Maybe a midlife crisis? All I know is that I have put up with this for almost 2 years. Any thoughts as to what may be going on?

[Raymond]

Sounds like he is making excuses for not taking his responsibility in the marriage Libertybelle, part of which is to love you. It is very convenient for him to blame you thus justifying whatever he is up to. Something is not right somewhere. Could be porn or something similar, internet relationship, who knows?

Is he the type to hold grudges for a long time and never forgive? How was he in the past? It sounds like things haven't gone his way so he is shutting up shop. A bit immature I think.

You don't sound like the type to neglect him. For goodness sake you had enough responsibilities to carry. A man is usually happy that his wife is giving attention to his children. There's no competition. There's time for everything where theres a will. He does need to start functioning properly again. Someone will probably tell you it's a mid life crisis, but I think that can be used as an excuse for practically everything and is not helpful. We should be able to live to the full all of the time in my book. Life is too short to waste.

Raymond