newly married troubles?

[barb]

My husband and I haven't been married long, and we're having these problems that are overwhelming.

He's not interested in my physically. When we make love, I initiate, and if he's in a good mood, he'll humor me, but he never initiates, and he maks me feel like he's doing it to please me. I don't think i want to be physical too much, I just want him to be attracted to me. When i initiate he usually gets annoyed, and says something like .. oh here's another fight night. He has sometimes in the past... mentioned that he thinks it's all i think about, that I'm selfish for wanting sex that I'm only worried about how i feel and I'm not taking his feelings, of not being sexual into consideration. I ask if i'm doing something wrong in my initiating, if there's anything i could do different.. He doesn't like aggressive, he doesn't notice passive.. Is this normal? After the honey moon this started and while we were planning the wedding, but I just thought it was due to stress.

I know it's probably a bigger problem. He has also recently told me... that i don't do enough in out new house, and he's doing everything.
I feel like he doesn't really notice anything positive about me. I work a full time job,am out of the house from about 8-6, do all the normal cleaning, dishes, vaccuming, etc, - and when i get home he gets angry that i begin unloading the dishwasher. ... We moved in less than a year ago, and I did a lot of the unpacking, I bought bookshelves, rearranged, got some art, at the very least did my part... i just feal like everythings turning into a competition... or he's blaming me for something.. Before we were married, and even mostly now, we go out together with friends. Mostly he comes, but sometimes I go out with friends after work with out him and he gets mad. That I spend too much time with friends, go out too much.. etc. though I'm home pretty early usually def enough time to hang out for a while before bed.

Sometimes i need to see friends. I just feel like... he's disappointed in who he married. Is this a really bad start in a marriage? or has anyone else had this happen and maybe it was just some growing pains into marriage..

[Raymond]

Theres something wrong Barb. I would say this is far from normal for newlyweds.There seems to be two problems. One his lack of physical attention. Sex is very normal especially when one first marries. At that time it can almost be an obsession. There are things that can dilute this. One is sleeping around before marriage. That can have a detrimental affect as one forms sould ties with previous partners which affect the present. Another thing, I have to be blunt here, is pornography which is a kind of mental adultery, this damages it. The other is, I have to be blunt again, solo masturbation with inner fantasies which will divert the normal sexual desire. If you see any signs of these things you will have your answer, apart from that it will get a lot more complicated.

Number two is his excessive criticism. We are supposed to accept each other, faults and all, and grow closer as time goes on. Criticism if it's not constructive will kill love. There could be a wrong pride there which is making him like this. This criticism is not going to help anything. If one is tempted to do it we should bite our lip and resist it. There are ways to solve problems without this. You will have to work out a strategy to cope with this and try and not get bitter about it. He has a lot to learn and hopefully will learn it in due course. Marriage has a way of humbling you in the right way and hopefully he will mellow and mature, but he has not started off on the right foot it seems. I'd let it go over your head and just respond when he is doing it right. Be careful you don't end up being dominated. Keep your outside friends especially now.

Raymond