Problems in current relationship

[Kimberley1967]

I joined a couple of years ago when my now ex husband played away. Now divorced and moved on to pastures new and further problems!
My boyfriend and I met through the internet in January 2007 were friends for a while and moved on he has been married before and has two daughters although they do not live in this country. We went on holiday last March with my youngest daughter I have two aged 12 and 18. Whilst away last year he asked me to move in with him as I was in rented accommodation and see if in his words it would work out all living together.

I moved in (June 2007) and quickly found out that basically I was a paying guest rather than a girlfriend he put up the rent and said that it was a formal house share. He wrote down every penny I was supposed to pay him in a book in his drawer (dosent know I saw it) and things changed. I felt uncomfortable in his house. My girls are rather untidy and he did not like it and went on and on every day about how untidy we all are. After a month he decided he wanted to convert his house into flats and we would have to leave. Luckily I found a property via a Housing Association as I hadnt got round to taking my name off the list. I found a property in another town and moved out in September. My boyfriend is a plumber/builder.

When I got the keys to the property - it quickly became apparent that once I moved out it was my house and he had his house and that was that. I was under the impression although now I feel it was assumed rather than said that once the house had been converted into flats he would sell or rent them and move into my house with me and my children. Well things went from bad to worse and he spent every day and nite working on the house and we never spent any time together and my house needed work and I had to wait. When he did come and do odds and ends he charged me for the work. In October I had enough and decided to call it a day. We never had sex, never went out, he never had any time for me or my children and I blew a fuse and phoned him and said it was over.

Anyway life goes on and I calmed down tried internet dating again in December bad to worse and always thought of my ex. I was ill with the noro virus over christmas and texted my ex to say hi and happy xmas usual stuff and we have drifted back together again. January lovely both really trying going out more, spending time together, went to London on a mini break without children. Then in February things are back the way they were. He worked on my house charged me (very angry - dont mind paying materials but he is supposed to be my boyfriend). We had a big row and have spent about two hours in the last fortnight together and have reached a stalemate. Not seeing each other or texting or calling. (this happens for a couple of weeks then we have a row then a gap)

When he does come over its more on the hospital visiting side of things have a coffee and a chat and leave. We never have sex any more it was a bit hap hazard on that front before. I dont know what to do any more. When we get on its great but I think its a communication problem. If I say to him that I want more I want a partner not a boyfriend he says I am pressurising him and why cant I just be nice when he pops in and he might want to spend time with me. I try and discuss what went wrong before but he clams up and wont speak.

Feel very lonely at the moment and confused.

[xxkeys]

Im really sorry Kimberly but i just had to write after reading your story. I have been through similar a few years back and i realised i was wasting my time. I dont mean to upset u further but it seems to me that your just lonely and u dont really want to be with him in that way.
I think u should try and move on and find someone that u can feel positive about as u really dont at the moment.

Keeley.

[Dakereb]

Kimberley, maybe I can give you some perspective from a man's point of view. This "boyfriend" does not have the emotional connection to you that is required for a fulfilling relationship. If he is keeping such close financial tabs on things and having you pay him for his repair services, then he is very clearly stating that he considers this to be a friendship only. When you push to make it something more, he may say a thing or two that you may find encouraging, but he is just trying not to hurt your feelings. Consider him a friend ONLY and move on. No sex. If you find he no longer contacts you after he figures out you will not be a "friend with benefits" you will know where you stand. Also, remember the example you are setting for your daughters, and consider what they learn about relationships from watching you.

Relationships cannot be forced.

[Kimberley1967]

He came round about 10 days ago and we had a row. He stayed over and wanted sex (never does usually) I said no. It was the last I saw or heard from him.

I feel lonely and isolated in the new town I live in and my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer in September and also my youngest daughter has argophobia. I have been so down lately Im probably not fun to be around. I had to get a lodger to make ends meet and now hes leaving so short of money as well. Feel depressed and alone.

[Kimberley1967]

You were both right its been three weeks no just feel I lost a year wasting time with someone who didnt care.

[just thinkin]

Why dont you focus on your 2 precious daughters especially the one with agraphobia, and also find a fun hobby for yourself to meet new people (not just guys, i mean friends in general) No need to be always spending your time and energy angsting over a man, enjoy your single life for now and be there for your kids and mother, they are more important than a boyfriend. Best wishes.

[Kimberley1967]

Just thinking - My daughters are the loves of my life and I do everything for them and spend lots of time with them. I came here for advice on my relationship not on motherhood of which I pride myself on being very hands on.

I havent contacted hopeless boyfriend you were all right.

I have many hobbies and friends its not the only thing in my life. Im not ashamed to admit I missed being married and with someone thats all.

I took up golf and salsa when I separated from my husband two years ago and have a good job and a lovely family. My youngest daughter is much better and going out more with me and her friends and my eldest daughter has been accepted to all the Unis she applied for.

I am naturally disappointed in my relationship because like many it started with promise and love but its over and getting another's opinion on it really helped especially a male one when you are in a relationship you dont always see what others do. I dont walk around with husband wanted on my head! just like many here I just wanted to be loved and love that person back.

Thanks for your posts though as always it was very helpful.

[val100]

Kimberley, are you disappointed that the advice was to concentrate on your daughters when you wanted relationship advice?
Alice talks constant sense whenever I read her threads. Alice most definitely wasn't advising you on motherhood as a mother myself I give it my all and people always say it to me.

The meaning of it is very simple if you didn't have kids the advice would be pour your energy into your job.
you see we spend so much time looking for answers we waste our energy on the futile questions we should occupy our minds and use our energy on something or someone who deserves it.

With every person you bring into your life there is potential for happiness and also for hurt and dissappointment.
This man you brought into your life was not a man that was worthy of your attention and love infact in a way you brought ore money into his life, you probably cooked and cleannned for him and when he wanted he got a physical pay off too.
I am sure he isn't a bad man but definitely going on what you have said he is emotionally stunted.
We all want to be loved and to love we need the affirmation that we are wothy of love, that we are special.
I have become comforable in the knowledge that I may never find love again and actually Iam ok with that, I miss the affection and companionship.
You are hurting that this didn't work out and we all understand that alice was just suggesting that you heal via your kids and by getting back out there through hobbies etc.
Salsa dancing is fantastc and I have a friend who 10 yrs ago met a fantastic man through her dance classes, they now own a retaurant in Turkey.
I believe that we should learn from every relationship so that we willbe better a the next.
Be kind to yourself and others and I hope you find happiness soon.
I am pleased that your daughter is doing better

[Kimberley1967]

It was only the relationship that puzzled me as I needed another opinion. I have heard from said man on Monday with a lame text which I answered politely but I needed another person's view to take it on board. I no longer wish to have someone in my life who makes me unhappy I would rather be on my own. Its not all bad I tend to please myself within reason and spend my time with my daughters or hobbies. Decided to learn to ski this year last year it was golf, salsa and spanish but the golf has become all consuming!

Everything else is getting better to be honest my Mum's cancer, my daughter's illness, my job's fine I have a good job,:) Im just a sterotype really everything else goes well but love eludes me. I guess we cant have everything.

[val100]

Well actually we can,
However what our preceptions of love are can guide us in the wrong direction.
I know it sounds like a cliche but I really am learning more and more about myself.
For the last number of months I felt like I had finally spread my wings but had nowhere to fly to, Then it struck me why do I need to know, just fly and see where you end up. Stop looking for anything other them providing for myself and my kids.
I have learnt that not everybody can have or wants a marriage like my parents have. Should I meet someone I will learn what their needs are in a relationship and I will strive to meet those needs as long and only as long as I have my needs meet to the best of that persons ability.
I sense your loneliness or is it dissillusion? Kimberley when you have money in your pocket and you go into town to buy yourself something the likely hood is you won't see a thing you like but when you aren't looking and you are broke everything you like and more is available.
Maybe stop looking for love and it will enter into your life.
i hope it does I feel you deserve to have that special someone.

[Kimberley1967]

I do feel brighter since I have been on my own to be honest. I realised a long time ago that there is no point going on with a relationship because you dont want to be single. The relationship lasted a year but I did break up once before with him because it was going this way and on a retry it was worse! I guess it got me over the worst of the break up with my ex husband and I should be thankful for that.

Yeah I guess like a lot of people on the forum you do get disillusioned its a shame. I havent been that down hearted so I guess it proves the relationship didnt mean that much to me either or because as we had broken up for three months before I just quickly adjusted. I did take on board that I had not :)given a lot of thought to previously that I should be an example to my daughters as to what a happy relationship should be and I guess I feel I should have finished it before because arguing and being unhappy in front of teenage girls isnt a shining example of what they may look forward to. I have to say both my daughters are very disinterested in boys and perhaps thats part of it. It wasnt intentional.

I moved to a new town which didnt help but decided to stop moaning about it and applied for an evening job at the local supermarket to meet new people and have money in the Bank so hopefully it will all help. I feel I am getting back my self worth.