Husbands affair with friend

[xxkeys]

Hi,
I got married in September 2007 so have been married for about 5 months now.
In January i started speaking to a girl that i used to be best friends with but we fell out a few years back. Everything with her was going great, i got my social back and was able to have a good friendship with her again.
Just 3 weeks ago my husband walked out on me and told me that he still loved me but needed to clear his head, he had been a bit depressed lately as he'd lost his job.
My 'friend' had stayed with me regulary over the next couple of weeks and had been a real comfort.
Just last week my husband called and said that we need to try and work things out and that he didnt want us to be over. My 'friend' was with me at the time.
My husband and i had a chat on the phone about what we could do to start afresh and something clicked inside me, i dont know why. I decided to look at my 'friends' messages on her phone as she had fallen asleep. I was shocked to find messages from my husband saying that he loved her and had left me for her.
I prompty kicked her out and have not spoken to either of them since.
He has sent me a couple of messages saying sorry and that he loves me but nothing since the day after i found out.
I changed my mobile and home phone number and have chosen not to get in contact with him but am not sure if im doing the right thing so would love some guidence.
Thank u for listening.

Keeley.

[justme&bailey]

Hi Keeley,

If you read my post you will see i am going through a simular thing as you..i admit my marriage has not been at it best for a time but theres still no excuse..i too have cut ties with the girl after i found him at her house 4 days after we spilt (it was a mutual split but with the option to sort things out) she swears to me nothing was going on the txts i found were not of a sexual nature or anything like that she too was talking to me and giving me advice after we split..i do however at this point think that there is nothing between them and do be honest if there is what can i do!

I have now not had any contact with my husband for over a week he last called and txted me but i never replyed.. i need time..and thats what i suggest you give yourself i have good and bad days keep yourself busy with things to do and keep your chin up im sure your worth 10 of her..have your asked her if there is any thing going on? you know you just cant blame her it takes 2..

Has this ever happened before? only you really know your man do you think hes capable of doing this to you?

keep in touch

Jmb

[xxkeys]

Hiya JMB, thanks for your reply.

I would not have believed it if i hadnt read the texts for myself. There was a few of them from him to her that said that he loved her and a sexual one.
I have no idea about any detail that happened between them or anything else.
I would never speak to her again for as long as i live, not that i only blame her but i realise she wasnt actually my friend in the first place. I had only been 'friends' with her for about 2 months anyway so dont feel its much of a loss.

Im sorry to hear about your situation but u seem quite strong.
I think the difference between us both is that i can honestly say it wasn't an unhappy marriage. We have only been married for 5 months so i thought we were still in the honeymoon period.

He has never done this to me before that i know of but i definately have never suspected it before. I just have no idea how to go about this now.
I want to be told the best thing to do but everyone says the same, to just give it time. I just dont know what im waiting for.

Is it normal that i dont want to hear the details of what happened?
I cant bear the thought of speaking to him about it and yet i think eventually im gonna have to even if we dont get back together.

[lonelylass]

Hi xxkeys,

I think you will need an explanation at some point and if he is genuinely sorry and it was a one off mistake it's up to you whether you can forgive or not.

You say your short marriage was unhappy, do you really want him back?
If so, then talk to him and maybe go to counselling together.
If not, check out your situation with a solicitor and go from there.

If you have time, check out Micous' thread, lots of people on here are trying to rebuild after an affair, it can be done.

We are all here for you to help in the painful process. Take care, LoLa

[justme&bailey]

Hi again,

Im not going to lie to you but its a bumpy road ahead for you which ever road you decide to go along...I does take time i dont quiet know how you are feeling right now i cant judge from your post..

I myself have been separated before for 7 months and i was so very ill, weight loss i couldnt even function on a daily basis..but im much stronger and he aint walking over me anymore!

Just give yourself time..what do you want to happen?? do you want him back?...i myself cant bear to talk to my husband at the min i saw him driving behind me today! wasnt planned was just one of them freaky things but i didnt even look at him!! my husband will play games with my mind or should i say he will try and he has been since he left but im not rising to them..

Keeley just think about yourself here not him..your what is most important im sure he will want to come home maybe now or soon i dont know him but they usually do at some point you know they think the grass is greener on the other side but it aint its knee deep mud!!!

keep posting like i do you get great strenght from it and it helps you when your feeling confused and stops it all running around in your head..

Take care

Jmb

[xxkeys]

Hiya Lola,

Thanks for your message. Im sorry i think u got that bit wrong. I said that my marriage was happy, not unhappy!

Its so nice that i can talk openly as i find it so hard to talk to people. Most say that it can never be forgiven.

[xxkeys]

Hello again Jmb,

I think your so strong its unbelievable. You give me hope that maybe i can move on and be happy. To be honest, im not quite sure weather i want him back, my mind is still too messed up. I dont know what i want right now.
I think your right that i should start thinking about myself but i really just dont know how to! Im not used to being on my own and looking after myself.

Your right, i am finding this great to have someone to talk to, its given me a new way to look at things.

If we were to give things another go then i would certainly have marriage councilling without a doubt. Im just not sure thats what i want now.

[justme&bailey]

Hi keeley,

most say it cant be forgiven but truely you at this point dont really know what has happened as you havent spoken to him about it..will he tell you the truth when he does? i dont know will you? thats what often can be confusing when you are trying to find out what the truth is..

before he left did you notice anything funny about his behavior? towards you..your home? or anything else..maybe as you say you wasnt looking but normally(not always) there are signs..

but i still must emphasize you must look after yourself firstly...betrayal is a very fierce and hurtful thing...

Take care of yourself and im glad you feel you can talk on here because thats a good start nobody on here judges you for what you say or do they are all very helpful..

Thanks

Jmb

[lonelylass]

Hi Keeley,

I am so sorry, just reread it and must be going goggle eyed as was on two forums last night!

My husband and I were together 20yrs, married for 18, the sudden lonleyness is unbearable, but you will get there, people said that to me and I truly believe that now.
I helped myself by taking control of the situation and not being pushed around by him.

I have lost 2stone in weight since October and have not put it back on (yet)!

If he does come back, it need to be for the right reasons, you owe that to yourself.
You have a lot of thinking to do, but try to concentrate on what you want and what's best for you in the long run, whether that be with or without him.

LoLa

[Micou]

Keeley, may I butt in and say that if you want him back, then you DO need to find out from him exactly what was going on between him and your "friend". As far as am concerned the "friend" got off quite lightly as I would have pulled her hair out and re-arranged her face before kicking her out!

I think that it's really your call as to, firstly, if you want him back and, secondly, contacting him to meet up with you and thrash this out. Please think carefully about what you really want.

Five months is no time at all in married life and for something like this to have happened so soon?!?! What the heck does he think he is playing at anyway?

[xxkeys]

Hiya Micou,

Thanks so much for your reply, u have really made me laugh. Not sure why but it was the way u put it.

I know that 5 months is no time at all to be married and that is probably another thing that i find so confusing. Does that mean its more of a reason for me to not get back or more of a reason to try and make it work?

I think i might have made up my mind already. I wrote him a letter last night but not sure if i should post it to him? What do u all think? Its not a soppy letter or an angry letter, its just telling him that he needs to know that he done this and his going to have to live with it.
Also that i will be in contact in 6 months to arrange divorce as u have to be married a year before u can file for divorce!

[Micou]

Sweety, I think you may be eligible for an annulment if that is the route you wish to go down, but I am not sure about the details of that - get some proper legal advice.

To send the letter or not, is still down to what you actually want. If you want to find out from him what his game is, then by all means ask - I know I would. I must admit that I am not a softly, softly kind of person. When I am hurting or mad, I am known to pull my husband out of his sleep at ungodly hours to thrash things out - but that's me and thankfully he knows that when I am upset then he is highly unlikely to get much sleep!

It all boils down to either you want to try again and therefore you need to ask him, or you want to walk away in which case I would just get the solicitor to send him the papers to sign, but again, that's just how I would handle things. I would also put itching powder in his boxers! :)

Am a bad influence, don't mind me - it's just when I read what you wrote, I was sat here with my mouth wide open and thinking "wow, but it's only been 5 months!!"

[xxkeys]

Once again thanks for your post Micou.

I must say u have cheered me up no end. Unfortunately i no longer have anything that belongs to him as i got rid of that as soon as i found out. The boxer shorts would have been good though!

I have looked up the conditions of an annulment and i am not actually intitled to one as u have to have proof of a reason why the marriage would never have worked BEFORE the wedding. Example, u find out his gay, impotent, not of sound mind etc.

Its very hard as its unbearable for u to have a 'husband' when u havent actually got him!

[Micou]

I note one of the reasons is "mentally incompetent" - I'd roll with that one, personally. What the heck was that boy thinking? And he hasn't even had the decency to roll up to your front door and clear the air or even pick up the phone???

[Raymond]

It seems that he hasn't actually slept with her xxkeys. Nevertheless it was an adultrous thing to do and could well have led to something had you not discovered it. Some are able to forgive where there is repentance (being sorry with a decision not to do it again) but without that you will not have a proper marriage. The fact that is was so early in your marriage does not bode well and indicates a lack of respect for you. I hope you are able to work out a way forward.

Raymond

[xxkeys]

No he hasnt got in contact, take it in mind i have changed my home and mobile number but he could have still got in touch.
I have been speaking to his mum and sisters who completely stand by me and he has not asked them for my numbers at all. He told his mum that he would wait untill im ready to talk then i can get in touch with him.

[justme&bailey]

Hi keeley,

hope you are feeling good today i read all the posts that have been left today and it all sounds like good advice..even the bit about pulling the hair out!!..lol i must admit i went to my "friends" door and banged on it loud and proud i didnt have nothing to hide!...

The letter bit is truely up to you indeed you do need to find out as i will when i speak to my husband but are you ready for that yet??..i think not but its a personal choice...i think its hurtful whenever and someone cheats it doesnt matter if your married 5 months or 15 yrs it still hurts..can i just ask how long you were with him before marriage?

I wouldnt tell him that your planning to divorce him after the next 6 months if it what you want just do it he really doesnt have a choice its your desicion..

I hope your taking care of yourself

Love
Jmb

[xxkeys]

Hiya Jmb,

Thanks for the message. We have been together since we were 13 years old. We split briefly in the middle for a while but apart from that we have been happy, or so i thought. We were first loves.

Update though..

I have spoken to his mum today and she saw him yesterday. He said that he loves and cares about me. Am i the only one that thinks saying 'loves and cares' means he doesnt love me in the way he should anymore? Its driving me mad. Also, he did in fact sleep with her as he told his mum yesterday that it was just once. I dont believe that for a second.
I didnt know for definate weather he had slept with her but now i know. The feeling is very weird, my cheeks are still flushed.

I have also now decided against the letter as he also told his mum that he is waiting for me to get in touch when im ready. Does anyone know how long that'll be?
On one hand im thinking, just get it over and done with and then try to move on but on the other that im petrified of him saying he doesnt love me anymore. Is that normal?
Why should i want him to love me and want to come home? Surely i shouldnt want him back at all. Its not a case of wanting him back, it would just be nice to know that he still loved me and was willing to do whatever i wanted to get me back.

I feel like im going crazy.

[Alice Alice]

The wait usually is a week with my experience but who knows

PLEASE remember if he is truly (sorry OR just be a man) he would be with you right away after he knew you found out....saying sorry and asking you what you need

Some men act like little boys who are being punished.
He might have REAL BIG TIME GUILT so he is in exile...

I feel for you ...the going crazy part like that bad dream and you want it to end... screaming wake up!

If you feel you need to talk to him make it a neutral place a coffee shop ...but make it a good private table ...you can even find an empty coffee house and ask the waiter for privacy

Chin up shoulders down strait back and breath
don't blame your self for his failure

[justme&bailey]

hiya..

Well i surpose its the news that you didnt want to here..but atleast you know now..im sorry to say the going crazy bit is normal and wanting him to still love to is normal too....(what were they thinking!)..

Im so sorry that you are going through this its the most awful thing..i myself have not spoken to my husband for nearly 2 weeks now and in that time i have gained lots of strenght so i would say dont go near him yet..but i fear your emotions may get the better of you? please try to stay calm and think of yourself you need to get prepared for what he will say good or bad i know it will still affect you but by giving yourself time it might help...

I take it hes not seeing her anymore?..why did it take his mum to tell you..he sounds pretty spineless to me i dont think he will contact you off hes own back i think hes scared and feels guilty...

All i can say is deal with it when you want...you sound like a lovely, faithful and loyal person who doesnt deserve to be treated like that...

Take care sweety
Jmb

[Micou]

Sweety, I fully agree with Alice and JMB - I especially sense that a worm has more spine than he does - you can slap me for saying this, but I really do! If he was any kind of man he would have been on your doorstep blubbering for forgiveness or at least having the decency to admit that it happened and wanting to work out where you two go from there - hiding under a rock and waiting for the storm to pass is no way to deal with marital woes!

As for needing his mum to play messenger - what the ?£%$&*%£$ is he playing at??? He is the one who is married to you, not his mum!

I echo what JMB asks - is he still in touch with your "fiend"? She'd be needing a wig and plastic surgery if I knew her!

I really believe that the emotions you are going through are perfectly normal. I cannot imagine what I would be feeling if my H had been messing around just 5 months after our marriage - wow!!

I also really believe that you won't get any form of closure from this unless you can speak to him and hear it all from him. You must have a million questions to ask and you are perfectly entitled to ask. I would have rung him from the cow's phone so that he knew that I meant business and ordered him to get his butt round sharpish so we could thrash things out. However, again, that's me! (I am feeling really angry today, but I bet you can't tell that from how I am writing :cool:)

The only way out is through! Only you can decide what the best way to tackle the situation will be.

(((HUGS)))

[lonelylass]

Hi Keeley,

Another shot to you heart, I know the feeling well. You really do need to do as the ladies said and think about what has hapenned and the fact that he hasn't got the balls to tell you to your face. To have to find out like this is appalling.

We are all here for you, just take your time and decide what you want to do, he should be contacting you, if you contact him first in my opinion he may see that as forgiveness almost and show your weakness.

It is the least he can do under the circumstances.

Try to stay true to yourself (I know it's hard, I caved in a couple of times) but I had to speak to my H and get out my frustrations on him, not let them build up in me. LoLa

[tia1500]

HI
What your going through is normal. You are not going mad or crazy,there is nothing wrong with your head. You will have your good days and bad days as someone has wrote. To get over this you have to go through it i know its hard belive me. There are a few more on this site what have been through it or going through it. Be strong Look after yourself your number one only you can do that. As for the ex friend i would be like Micou i would be making sure she was 6ft below ( That is me though we are all diff)
I still question my H when he says he loves me i say do you.
Take care
((((BIG HUGGS))))

[Micou]

Too right, Tia! No chocolate cake and feather pillow for her - proper thrashing!!

[xxkeys]

Hello all,

Thank u so much for all your words of support and guidance. I didnt think it would help so much but it really has. Im very pleased to say that im feeling better over the last few days, i went back to work and im sleeping better even though im having some horrible dreams. It wouldnt be so bad but i know everything ive been dreaming about is real and not just a dream. If that makes sense.

I am having dinner with my mother and sister in law tonight so im a little bit nervous and not really sure how to handle the situation. I werent sure weather to cut ties with all my in law's or not but i think the world of them and they do me.

What would u all suggest? Is it better to cut ties with his family and start afresh or should i just go with what i want?

[Micou]

If you get on great with your in-laws and they love you, then no, do not cut ties with them. If anything they may be feeling bad about how the worm . . . I mean how your H is behaving and may want to give you support and show you that they care - it may be their way of dealing with the current situation. They may need to reach out to you in order for them to cope with how bad they feel - do you get what I mean? I realise that I tend to go round the houses and twice round the moon to express myself, so bear with me.

Better still, just flow with how you all feel about each other. You and they are the innocent parties here, please remember that. Don't be nervous, just chill and be open to the prospect of a wonderful evening surrounded by people who love you. You haven't done anything wrong and neither have your in-laws.

Please relax, welcome your in-laws as you would normally do (put that frying pan down now! - am joking) and enjoy your evening.

Keep us posted as to how the evening goes - I, for one, am curious as heck about things ;).

(((HUGS)))

[tia1500]

hi
I agree with Micou relax and enjoy it You have done nothing wrong why should you suffer more hurt of losing more people.They want to stay incontact with you so they def think alot about you.
You are number one as the days pass you learn that you do what you want. Even if worm (H) does not like how close you all are tough .
LOOK AFTER YOU
(((BIG HUGGGS)))

[lonelylass]

Hi Keeley,

I think it's great that you are still able to maintain a relationship with your inlaws, if it makes you happy then do it, just be careful what you say though, I was more than aware with mine that it could get back, he was their family after all.

Glad to hear you are feeling better, you will have ups and downs, there is no truer word than roller coaster ride at the moment.

Stay strong, LoLa

[Alice Alice]

there are a lot of people who are hurting like you are if you reach out to them you will see how much better you will feel
it will be like you are telling your self to be strong at the same time you are telling them
I hope your weekend is a good one take care

[xxkeys]

Hi guys, thanks for all your posts. Just a quick update.

Not much has happened to be honest, had dinner with his mum and sister on friday night and had a real laugh talking about old times. They both made it clear that whats happened doesnt matter and im still part of their family. That made me feel good but also a little sad.

Still have not heard from him and it'll be 2 weeks tomorrow since i found out. I think thats a hell of a long time not to have had any contact.
One minute i feel ok, i think i can just get on with it and move on but next im thinking that im just so damn lonely. Its hard as my so my so called best friend was the only person that i had to go out with or do friendy kinds of things with and she stabbed me in the back. My other friends have all got kids and cant go out and do what i want.

Anyway, i think im done with my rant for tonight. I'll keep u all posted on any changes but doesnt seem like there will ever be any.

[Alice Alice]

Remember she really wasn't a friend but he was

stay strong, keep posting you will feel better its like your diary with a bunch of people in it cheering you to go on!!

Happy St Pattys day!!

[justme&bailey]

Hi keeley,

keep strong girl you will be fine..mine cut my sky tv off on friday night to get me to speak to him after 2 weeks of no contact! how sad..just ended in a arguement! although he did sound very sad..they do the strangest things beleive me..

He will be hurting you cant avoid the pain they just deal with it in a different way to us...do you know where hes living? as i take it hes not at his mum...

I know the going out bit is hard when you have no one to go out with..im the same all my friends have kids to all i have is my cousin..bt she will do i dont want to go out all the time but once every now and again will be fine..

Just keep strong and focus on yourself all the rest will follow..what will be will be keeley you just have to ride the storm..

Take care
Mia

[Micou]

Hi Keeley - that is fab news about your in-laws. I am impressed that they have made it clear where they stand. It is good that they are showing you that they are neutral on the whole thing and that they care about you. That's how people should behave!

My advice is to keep things amicable and respectful with the innies - you can guarantee that will get back to him. Maybe it may help him tuck his tail between his legs and come back to talk to you when he learns that you are not showing any animosity towards him or his rels, getting on with life and keeping your head firmly on your shoulders???

[xxkeys]

Morning everyone.

I was hoping that the next time i posted on here that there would be some change or something to tell u but im afraid there isn't.

I have been just getting on with things, working, seeing friends etc but i must admit nothing is taking away the lonliness. I havent actually cried for a whole week now which im very proud of but i think that is because i havent seen him. I dont really know what to do from here to be honest, he's obviously not interesting in apologising or having anything more to do with me and i must say, that hurts.

Its so hard to believe that the person i thought i knew has done this to me and the person i loved has not even had the decency to apologise to my face and tell me the truth. I just cant believe thats the man i married. Its been a whole month today since ive seen him, i dont think ive ever not seem him for that long before and its really weird. I feel like ive forgotten his face. (Not that id like to see his face, id slap it!).

Anyway i must be off to work now but just thought id drop by and ramble on to u guys.

Keeley. x

[justme&bailey]

Hi keeley,

It good to hear from you, you do sound a bit better yes it easier when you dont see or hear from them..i had not had contact with my husband for just over 2 weeks and was feeling very strong..(its a month for us now too)...but in the last week there has been contact and it hasnt been plesant it has sent to a place i didnt want to go...im crying and feeling crap..

I sometimes feel there is nothing you can do to get away from the pain you have to except it and deal with it pushing it away only surpresses it (not healthy)...
Or maybe they were feelings i choose to ignore i do know...but he certainly didnt sound happy either when i spoke to him...dont know if this made me feel better or worse..because when you love someone its hurts you to here them sound so anger and hurt...

Im glad to hear your going out and about thats a very good thing and yes the lonely part is awful...i have Bailey hes my 14 mth old dog hes demanding and keeping me busy and when i go home hes always pleased to see me which helps...but also hard because hes his dog...

Keep going girl your sounding great and i too will be back at that place soon..

Love
Jmb

[lonelylass]

Hi Keeley,

Try to stay strong, he is a coward, like mine, running away as can't face the emotional turmoil he has created.

It will get easier, I promise you, at least you are able to continue working and getting out, this is a good thing.

Something you have just said "the person I thought I knew" rings bells with me, do we ever really know who we are living with, I'm not sure we do.

Take Care,

LoLa x

[Alice Alice]

People are like the weather they always change and real friends grow with the change
no one knows our Husbands like we do
but our family and friends know us better then our husbands do, whether they care to know us or not

[xxkeys]

Evening guys,

Another quick boring update. Its been 5 weekd today since he left and 3 weks since i found out about the affair and i still have not heard anything.
From what ive heard, his still on his sisters sofa but apparently his really had enough of living there and im told his sister is losing her patience with it too. Obviously, i dont know if all that is actually true as it didnt come from his mouth. I wouldnt have a clue whats happening in his life as he hasnt felt it nessacery to talk to me.

Although, im getting alot better in myself and have tried to get on with things, there is still this niggly thing at the back of my mind that i cant seem to shift. I dont know if i had the chance to see him and speak to him, weather that would go away. The thought of talking to him scares the hell out of me though! I think the only reason that ive been able to get on with things is the fact that we have had no contact what so ever. If we had of, i think things would be more difficult for me.

Thats why im worried, what if he gets in touch eventually and then i go back to feeling like i did at first? Then again, what if he doesnt ever get in touch and then i have to deal with all these weird feeling and the not knowing the truth, not knowing whats going through his mind, etc. Im rambling again but it just scares me. I still just dont know what to do to make things better for myself.

Anyway thanks alot guys, glad i got that out!

Keeley xx

[Alice Alice]

I agree the not knowing is the big thing

trust yourself.... you fear seeing him, so stay away until your fear is gone and it will be ok if you never want to see him again.

there will always be the what ifs but you won't kick yourself in the butt when you look back to see you tried your best to healing yourself

[xxkeys]

Im having a really hard night, i feel like im falling apart again and im not too sure why.
I havent cried for a while now but now i cant stop. Im not quite sure was has set me off but now i feel terrible.
Why is it that it creeps up on u when u least expect it.

[Alice Alice]

sorry to hear

this is 2 poems that might lift your spirits a bit

Sunshine peeks through my closed heart
a silver lining making my saddest day seem romantic
Rain falling through the trees of my soul
the smell of fresh new life keeps me from getting old

the blinds are down
but the sun seems to have found a way in
leaving little sunny prints against the evening wall
its the suns glow like a shadow
it fallows me a faithful friend
who loves me for who i am

i'm listening to time ticking in my sleep as i wrestle with the sunshine who wants me to wake

my eyes i keep shut as i think about my misty dream, there are tiny rain drops falling through an hour glass

i have my ear to the pillow and hear the ocean waves rumbling closer, the last wave hits the shore line
i open one eye to see the time, the secound hand is turning like the wheels of my bike, i should get up ....

gabs

[justme&bailey]

Hi Keeley,

Sorry to hear you are feeling down....i know what your saying you feel fine then it just comes over you...im having a bad time a the minute as well just cant seem to shake it..

Keeley i read your post from earlier and it seems you like me have been told things about what they are doing i dont know about you but i find this makes things harder and i think people think they are doing the right thing by telling you but sometimes i think its best not knowing...

I have taken the decision to write to my husband i dont know if it was the right thing to do but i did it..nobody told me to do and nobody knows ive done it but me and the people on here...he may well ignore it who knows but even if he reads it all least he knows how i feel it wasnt a letter about blame it was just about us and how we had came to that point...

keeley i dont know what to suggest for you because everybody has their own way with dealing with things...i think you will know in your heart when the time is right to talk or maybe you will come to the point where you fill you dont want to talk....just try like me and get back on track and think clearly...

Take Care
Mia

[lonelylass]

Hi Keeley,

It does you good to have a good cry, get's it all out, let your emotions run it won't be forever and you will feel better eventually, it's just a long, hard, slog.

Try pampering yourself, have a long soak in your favourite bubbles with candles and a glass of your favourite tipple. Have some Keeley time.

I will never understand why partners run away and leave the bombsite of emotions behind with apparantly not a thought for the innocent party left at home. Maybe it's their way of not confronting things, the 'Ostrich syndrome' what I can't see can't hurt me.

Take Care,

LoLa x

[justme&bailey]

Lola,

your so right want they can see cant hurt them!..but dont you think thats plain selfish..i was talking to an older guy at my work today who has himself been through a divorce and he said dont sit here thinking hes not hurting either because thats not true we just show it in different ways.!

So maybe the B******ds to feel it after all..! i hope so!

Keeley keeps smiling girl you deserve too..

Love Mia

[xxkeys]

Hiya all,

Ok, i have thought long and hard about it and spoken to friends and family etc to get their opinions and decided to ring my husband so that we could talk about divorce and also to gain some kind of closure from him as its been a whole month now since i found out about the affiar and havent spoken to him since then.
I plucked up the courage to call him a couple of mintues ago and it went straight to his answer phone. Im so dissapointed that i finally had the guts to do it and his phoned off or his possibly on the phone. This worries me as it makes thoughts run through my head that his obviously on the phone to her etc.

Does anyone know weather i am doing the right thing by trying to contact him? Do u understand that i need to put an end to it finally to be able to move on and get on with my life? I just dont know anymore. Im no longer angry, i just want to say goodbye in a more decent way thats all.

Any thoughts?

Keeley

[lonelylass]

Hi Keeley,

You need answers and the only person that can give them to you is him. I would say keep trying, you should get through eventually and ask that he comes and speaks to you face to face, it's the least you deserve.

If you do speak to him, try not to make any rash decisions or agree to anything without seeking legal advice, just listen for now and take it from there.

We are here for you.

LoLa x

[xxkeys]

Ok Lola, took your advice and got in touch with him this evening. He seemed really happy to hear from me and kept saying sorry and that he thinks the world of me, just not like a husband should.
I know it sounds strange but as we were talking, i completely forgot about what hes done and we had a normal conversation and i even laughed. I feel like an idiot, like he sucked me in. He wants to meet up and make things final but in a nice way, he doesnt want our marriage to end like this. He says that we have been in eachothers lives for too long to not say goodbye properly.
I have no idea how i feel right now to be honest, its all a bit of a mess.

Should i meet him still??

[Alice Alice]

Dear xxkeys

if he has a lot to lose by being cold to you then think 2wice
so he finally has come out of the woods to talk eh?

maybe bring a friend and stay positive but be prepared for anything

[lonelylass]

Hi Keeley,

Ok, now you have contact. This is how my H reacted and I too laughed etc, like nothing had happenned, it's a strange feeling isn't it? You end up thinking what? why?

Anyway, I agree with Alice, meet him, discuss things but don't agree to anything, say you are seeking legal advice (and do it, preferably before you meet with him to see where you stand).

It maybe you will come to some mutual agreement, but you will still need solicitors involvement to finalise everything (particularly marital home/children etc).

Fantastic if you can sort it this way and remain friends (friends is something I am still pondering over due to the hurt which I can never forgive or forget).

Have your meeting, listen, but don't agree to anything unless you have received bona fide legal advice.

Hope it goes well for you, how are things with your brother now, any improvement?

Thinking of you,

LoLa x

[xxkeys]

Hiya guys,

Ive not spoken to him again, i actually dont feel like i want to to be honest. I think the only reason i wanted to see him is because i miss him and love him so much. So im thinking that meeting up with him would be too hard. I just dont know. I dont have any reason to meet up or talk to him again do i?

[justme&bailey]

Hi keeley,

this is a trying time for you, you have to protect yourself but are you scared to hear what he is going to say to you? so you think its not going to be what you want to hear?

Its probally best to meet him i know it will be painful but its your choice, if my husband called and asked to see me i would probally go...mine also asked to come over last week i was going to let him but then i changed my mind, maybe i wasnt ready but i know i have to do it someday even if its for my own self satisfaction...do it when you feel ready and strong enough you can of course go down the road of solictors and do it all without contact..but me i want to have my say i wouldnt be angry of abusive or tell him what hes lost because im sure in his own time he will be aware of that...i would like it to end with dignitity on my part to show im bigger than all than fighting and name calling...i like you have never asked my husband to come home it has been hard but i believe if hes wants our marriage then he has to work for it...

keeley to be honest you really dont know what hes going to say to you he may ask for another chance, or he may think he has no chance its just one of those things..

Be strong and be brave you will get there..

Love
Mia

[xxkeys]

Hiya guys,

Just to let u know that im actually feeling alot better now. Infact ive actually started seeing a lovely guy and haven't smiled so much in years.
Im starting to think that maybe my husband done me a favour in not getting in touch as it has made me so much stronger. Ive got no desire to be with him anymore as even if it doesn't work out with the new guy, he has helped me to see that there are plenty more fish!
I never thought i would be feeling the way i am but i think im finally getting there and moving on.
I havent spoken to him again since i called him and really dont want to. He has nothing to say to ever make me feel any better about what his done so whats the point. I wanted to let u all know that im feeling quite good.

Thanks for listening to my droning on.

Keeley :)

[justme&bailey]

Hi,

Good for you keeley!!...im happy to hear your feeling better...you will still need at some point to sort everything out...but its good to hear your feeling better..

Enjoy

Mia

[Alice Alice]

So good to hear things are looking up with a new guy who makes you smile ! :) :) :)
that's right there are a lot of good guys out there don't get stuck with a rotten apple

[lonelylass]

Weel done Keeley, so pleased for you!!:D

Keep us posted,

LoLa x

[xxkeys]

Hiya all,

Just a quick one to thank u all for your help when my marriage first broke down. Ive actually just moved in with the guy i started seeing in April and im soooooooo happy!
I have come to think that my ex actually done me an ennormous favour as i wouldnt have had this kind of happiness if he hadnt have done what he did.

I want anyone who has been through what i went through and is hurting like i was to know that the pain does get better and u will find happiness. I have proved that. My relationship with my new partner may or may not work out but im going to enjoy it while its making me so happy and i have really learnt from my cheating ex. Never think that your life is over just because your relationship is, far from it!

Take care all and i wish u all happiness, the hurt will ease, hold it together and be strong.

Keeley xx