Wife left 3 weeks ago - help needed

[TheGardener]

Hello all,

This is my story. Thanks for reading. I've been married for six years and my wife had an affair after 6 months of marriage. To make a long story short, we had just moved to a new area, I didn't know anyone, did not have a car and could not work (immigration papers underway) and I became depressed and my computer was my best friend. She was starting her first job right after college, had a social life and wasn't happy at home with me and met someone. I found out and long story short she put an end to it. My wife has a very strong personality and is very social. She has tons of friends and they matter a great deal to her. As time went by, she spent more and more time with her friends and I did my own thing (got a decent job, started hobbies etc). Three weeks ago we got into a stupid argument about an empty box of cookies left on the counter, which escalated into an argument about other issues we had with each others and finally she dropped the bomb. She asked me to separate for a while. I agreed to it because I love her and if that's what she wanted, so be it. She moved out that same day. She asked me what made me happy in life and I told her she did. Big mistake, she later told me it was a lot of pressure on her. She also told that at this point she didn't know what she wanted, meaning whether or not she wanted to try and work things out. She loves me but doesn't feel in love with me etc. Since she left, we have very little contact. We had dinner two days after she left and talked. She reiterated and told me she didn't love me the way she should. She was not "totally closed" to the idea of seeing a counselor but not very enthusiastic either. She's since told me she'd been thinking about it. She is distant in her emails eg I'll be coming to "the apartment" vs home to pick up the mail and things like that. It hurts. She recognizes she hasn't been perfect but has also been dragged down by my negative/moody personality (I think I've been afflicted with a mild case of clinical depression for years and have only come to terms with it - seeing a psych tomorrow) whereas she is a very positive, enthusiastic person who loves being around people. Around her friends I've often been distant/cold/bored in such a way that they always ask her what's wrong with me. That impacted her having fun and she stopped asking me to come with. I became frustrated at all the time she'd spend out with friends vs me and so it went...a vicious circle. She recently told me the only time we communicate is when we fight. My way to deal with issues (i.e. avoid them) is to keep everything inside and be by myself, whereas she chooses not to be around me ad go out more. In three weeks we've talked about our problems twice. The rest of the time, it's small talk. She drops by to pick up her mail only when she has ten minutes to spare (gotta be at the gym in 10 minutes, at the bowling alley in ten minutes, whatever). She is very much so living her life (she got a new and great job last week, has been losing a lot of weight by working out, still going out with her friends etc) whereas I'm a wreck. Of course I don't show her that. Whenever we talk I'm as upbeat as possible. But she noticed I lost weight (20lbs). Whenever I ask to do something, she says she's appreciative but declines seeing she still needs "space and time". We had breakfast yesterday morning and it was all small talk. She is the one who asked out for breakfast after I didn't contact her for 3/4 days. When I asked her again if I could come and cheer her on for race she's running this weekend, she declined. When I asked her if I could meet an old guy friend of her who is coming to visit her this weekend from out of state, she said we'll see. It's always we'll see, it's always I don't know and in the end it always means no. I'm tired of her calling all the shots, deciding when she wants to see me or not, always saying no to my offers and dictating the rules. I don't know whether breakfast she was making a step forward towards trying to slowly reconnect, or trying to make a slow transition from marriage to friendship. It would be cruel and cowardly to try and make me "understand" things vs telling me outright. I'm now angry and coming to think that a month (some people seem to think so, others think I should give it 2/3 months) is plenty and that I will call her later this week to ask her whether she now knows if she's willing to work things out. If not, I am planning to tell her that I've had enough of the situation and that I'm going to make the decision for her. She'd probably have more respect for me if I took control rather than passively waiting for her to make up her mind. More importantly, I need to start respecting myself and not let her make me miserable. For three weeks I've been scared to ask her those questions because I'm afraid of the answer, but I think I need to do this for myself and show her I'm not weak. Do you guys think this is a good thing to do or should I give her more time? I was angry earlier and was going to pick up the phone, but I'm not so sure anymore. My feeling is that she is dragging this on only to not hurt me all at once, but even if that's the case me calling it quits first would be better than the mental torture I'm going through (why did she say this like that, why did she ask me out for breakfast and ll the other questions running through my head). She only talk to her friends who give her validation. She won't talk about the situation to her mom or step dad who don't approve. Avoidance and validation. Anyways, do you guys thing I should take control of the situation or give it more time? I'm afraid that the latter solution might lead to the same conclusion. At least shocking her by calling it quits first might act as a wake up call.

Thanks in advance for your time.

[Alice Alice]

Dear Gardener

Remember what you liked about her from the beginning, you seem to be in a rut and she has no time to give you the attention you are asking for.

I get in a rut when my life isn't where i need to be...you talk about having no car i understand this, this is why i'm moving to a more central area
Its a sunny home big windows a beach very close by (i can see the ocean)

think how you can change first and when you are happy about yourself then ask her what she can do to add that extra happiness to your life

all the best to you...sometimes things seem tougher then they really are, give it a shot don't worry about the outcome if your heart is in your decision

[TheGardener]

Hi there,

It was 5 years ago when she had an affair that I had no car, no job etc. These days I have a situation, a vehicle etc. She left and is dictating the terms of our relationship by constantly pulling back when I ask her to meet and of course I agreed to see her when she asked me out for breakfast. She says she doesn't know what she wants, doesn't know whether she wants to work things out. In the meantime I'm here waiting for her and she goes out with her friends as usual, like nothing happened. I'm feeling disrespected and feel the situation she's putting me in is totally unfair. She's calling all the shots and all I should do is wait for her decision. I'm not a pawn. I'm not a good little doggie. I'm not in the angry stage and feel like telling that if she can't make up her mind and make a decision, I'm going to make one for her. Maybe that will wake her up and make her realize she's dragging this on for too long. Or should I still wait and take more "We'll sees" and "I don't knows" whenever I ask her to do something (which always means no in the end) and just settle for small talk whenever I see her? That's not right I think. We're having issues and should talk about them. All she is looking for is avoidance and validation I think, which she gets from her friends. That's why she doesn't talk about the situation with the people who don't agree with what she's doing (her mom, stepdad, some other friends of ours etc). She tells her mother it's between her and I, but in the meantime she talked to the friend she moved in with (and probably others) and I'm fairly certain they know more about her intentions than I do. It's between her, her friends and I. I feel disrespected. Do I have the right to be angry or am I just going though a low that gives me a skewed vision of things?

[Micou]

Hi There

I am no expert in this particular matter, but having read your thread the one thing that just jumped off the page at me is that it sounds like she is trying to have her cake and eat it. I am sorry for sounding harsh, but that just glares at me - why would you want to leave your marital home, claim you don't know what you want, and yet feed your husband just enough to keep him hanging on???

The only way I can think that, as a woman, I would do that was if I wanted freedom to do my own thing, but I didn't quite want out of my marriage either. She sounds very confused to me, and I very much sense that having so many other people telling her what to do (with you out of the loop) just cannot be helping matters either.

When she had the affair, did she break off all contact with the sod? Do you have an inkling if this person may now be back on the scene or even if a new person is on the scene? I am sorry to be asking something tough, but she is acting like someone who wants everything without committing herself to anything. Do you get that sense about her? How does the vibe feel between the two of you when you are together - does it feel tense, like just friends or disconnected lovers?

This situation is indeed very unfair on you. In your shoes (having never been in a similar situation) I feel that I would take a long hard look at myself and try to understand what it is within me that is making me feel that I deserve to be treated this way. I must also admit that I would certainly give her a call and make it clear that I needed to speak to her about the current situation. Maybe schedule it for a time next week to give her some thinking time and also to give yourself some thinking time.

I find being told "I don't know what I want" is just unacceptable. If someone needs time to think about what they want, then fair enough take the time to think about what they want and we can agree a timescale of when we will meet up to discuss matters, but if you're being told that you don't know what they want and yet they are going about their business living life like all is well, then that is just plain unfair! I would park their butts down and have them face facts - they are married and have a responsibility to the marriage or not!

Sorry to sound harsh, but I would be furious if I was in your shoes and I would either change all the locks on the door and put their stuff outside in bin bags or lay down the law - you're either in or you're out - CHOOSE!

[TheGardener]

Like Billy said, I feel like no matter what I do, it's not going to change anything to what she's inclined to do. My wife has one of the strongest personalities I've ever seen and does what she wants when she wants. Her friends don't tell her "what to do", but give her validation in what she's been inclined to do. What I regret is that she doesn't speak with the people who disapprove of her actions. Of course not. She doesn't want confrontation, she wants validation. Micou, I'm pretty sure the sod is out of the picture. He lives far away anyway. I was suspicious about somebody else, but she offered for me to meet him, so I don't think there's anything there. Maybe she's trying to keep me as a fall back option and that's why she's leaving me hanging. That's why I'm angry. I do not deserve to be treated like a doggie. I was close to calling her last night and lash out in case she wouldn't have made any decision still, but I've cooled off since. I added one of her friends (whom I met once) on one of those social networking websites, and my wife asked me not to do so as her friend felt uncomfortable and didn't know how to take it since we don't know each other much. My wife said she understands I'm trying to reach out for her friends but she doesn't want them to be put in uncomfortable situations. I can understand that. I told her that wasn't my intention and that I would refrain. My father is coming to visit soon and my wife has agreed to meet for dinner. I guess that's positive but in the meantime I still feel like I'm being treated unfairly. I want to wait until after my dad's visit to make any rash decision. I am tired of being treated like an afterthought and make a decision for her if she can't. It's scary as I might be playing right into her hand as Billy said, but I think I need to do this so I can respect myself.

[Micou]

Your pain just screams off the page!! You sound like such a kind person and her behaviour is completely wrong. She is definitely calling the shots here - how long are you going to put up with this?

Rather than call her and vent (which I know you came close to, but thankfully didn't), have you not considered setting a date for the two of you to talk about what is going on?

Have you thought about projecting your energies into your own interests? Maybe if you shifted your focus slightly and tried to bring new interests and people in your life it might help to, first of all, give you something to look forward to and, secondly, maybe seeing the change in you might wake her up to the fact that she is being so completely selfish.

This is so wrong! I couldn't do this to someone! Grrrrrrr!!!!

[Delilah]

To be honest I dont think anyone can tell you conclusively what the right thing to do is going to be, and neither are you going to know 100% what the correct course of action is going to be. Wouldnt the benefit of foresight be great at the minute, yet this is what makes life so difficult. KNowing what is the right thing to do.

I am sensing that you want your marriage to work and for your wife to return home, however lots of changes from you both need to be made in order not to fall back into your old ways and perpetuate the same problems again.

I dont know the reason why your wife is not being definate about a decision, it could well be that she doesnt know how to tell you that it is over, it could be that she genuinly doesnt know. There could also be another reason why she doesnt want to talk to her parents - often people refrain from telling family about problems in a marriage b/c they are not truely neutral or maybe its b/c she doesnt want them to be negative about you.

An alternative suggestion than issuing an ulitmatum is to disengage from her - truely allow her some time to herself (provide yourself with a timeframe maybe a month or two). Stop asking to see her and have dinner together. Touch base with her every week or so and tell her that you hope she is well and happy, and remind her that you miss her. You are not therefore putting her under any pressure but you are reasserting the fact that you do still want her. In that there is nothing wrong.

I would also suggest that you get some support for yourself and your depression, go see your family doctor and even go see a marriage counsellor yourself. Why not? What have you to lose? I think that in your marriage you both have made mistakes.

My own husband was very depressed, he refused to see it and it nearly destroyed our marriage. He didnt want me to go out (Like your wife I enjoy seeing my friends but wanted him to come with me) he was always negative about them, they too thought he didnt like them. Happily though now, he is alot better and as a result is building a stronger friendship with my own friends who he can admit he does in fact like. He realises his errors. You both need to meet in the middle with what you like to do, living seperate lives when you were living together is not healthy and is very destructive for any relationship. You need to capture that romance again and have couple time.

Sometimes in order for that bird to come back to you, you have to let them go x

[TheGardener]

Delilah,

Looks like our situations were very similar. Me not wanting to go out, and being distant and not fun when out...after a while my wife stopped asking to come with. We definitelymistakes. My way to cope with my frustrations was to keep to myself and say no whenever she'd ask what was wrong, hers was to not stick around and go out with her friends. Maybe I should add that I'm in my early 30s, she is in her late 20s.I just came to terms with my depression and actually will see a psychiatrist soon. It affected our relationship a great deal. It made me a negative person, which frustrated my wife as she is very positive and enthusiastic about life. I had anger outbursts and couldn't let go of stupid things like somebody cutting me off on the road or things like that. I also complained about my job but didn't do anything to get a better one. I'm more of an introvert whereas she is fun and outgoing. We definitely both have our faults and we both recognize them. I told her I was going to get help for my depression, and she said that was great but I needed to do it for me (which I agree with) and that it wasn't for that that she was going to come back with open arms the next day. She reminded me she told me a couple of years that maybe I was depressed and I shrugged it off. she also said her friends and parents asked her if I was depressed, so I guess everyone could see it but me.

[Alice Alice]

Sorry Gardener

i had a hard time reading your post the words were all squished together
(i know you have to get all the thoughts down fast because its flowing out
like a stream)

i will be extra careful to read your words next time

I experienced something with my ex that sounds a bit like your situation
I didn't like it when my ex-hubby would tell all our friends how he didn't
want to be with me before he told me ( i know she is not saying this but she is talking about you regardless its disrespectful)
AND to top that all off he wanted to know what i was telling our friends after i kicked him out of the house
(him and i were both very social people) so i guess he knew people would ask after he had told them
BUT my private life will not enter my social life to a big degree

You were probably getting all sad because she was talking about you to everyone but you
i'm very outgoing but i respect people who are reserved, she can't expect you to feel happy about her over the top blapping of your private life you 2 share to EVERYONE

Your a fine man and if you suffer with depression it doesn't make it right for her to leave you when you needed her most

PS try liquid magnesium with vitamin D
i get very blue in the winter i need the sunlight to put my pep in my step
take care of your self treat yourself to good food and go for walks

oh another thought i would say she sounds hurtful and uncaring tell her that before dinner with dad

[Delilah]

Hi The Gardener - it sounds very similar indeed and more so in what you wrote yesterday.

My own husband is a deep person, he finds it difficult to articulte his feelings and I have to prise them out of him. Before he actually got diagnosed with depression, he would keep everything 100% inside b/c that was what he was used to doing. Myself I will talk my problems through with trusted family/friends and obviously now I am married with firstly my partner.

Everyone deals with their issues differently, I find it difficult to keep things in as it twists and makes me very unhappy so I prefer to get it out. My partner has kept it in and it made him quite bitter and demotivated.My partner found my way of dealing with things annoying b/c he didnt do it like that and I was annoyed with him for keeping it all in. However we compromised, he trys to talk to me more and I only talk to him about certain things.

My husband was also negative about all aspects of his life, I had to literally look for another job for him, drag him to his doctors and nnow he is so much happier and positive. In fact he sometimes tells me off for negativity but am glad b/c it shows he is much more mentally stronger and happier. You too will get there, it seems long and hard but there is an end.

However with your wife, there is no guaranteed happy ending. What I am saying is that although what has happened is heart breaking for you, for me when my husband was so unhappy it really affected me negatively - our relationship was not good and it didnt funtion like a healthy one should. Could this be her reason for saying she doesnt love you? Perhaps she needs to see the man she fell in love with again.

My point is and most importantly is that you get yourself healthy again, that you find your true self again. Again it may be too late for your relationship but you are young and you have all your life to embrace. I am certainly not saying that you are to blame for your marriage breakdown - as I said you both made mistakes but whats important is how you deal with it now.

If you do want to try and win her back, then focus on yourself and listen to what she is saying to you - she needs space, so give it to her. This will be really hard however at least you WILL KNOW you have given this your best shot and that is all anyone (including your wife) can ask!

[Delilah]

Hi The Gardener - it sounds very similar indeed and more so in what you wrote yesterday.

My own husband is a deep person, he finds it difficult to articulte his feelings and I have to prise them out of him. Before he actually got diagnosed with depression, he would keep everything 100% inside b/c that was what he was used to doing. Myself I will talk my problems through with trusted family/friends and obviously now I am married with firstly my partner.

Everyone deals with their issues differently, I find it difficult to keep things in as it twists and makes me very unhappy so I prefer to get it out. My partner has kept it in and it made him quite bitter and demotivated.My partner found my way of dealing with things annoying b/c he didnt do it like that and I was annoyed with him for keeping it all in. However we compromised, he trys to talk to me more and I only talk to him about certain things.

My husband was also negative about all aspects of his life, I had to literally look for another job for him, drag him to his doctors and nnow he is so much happier and positive. In fact he sometimes tells me off for negativity but am glad b/c it shows he is much more mentally stronger and happier. You too will get there, it seems long and hard but there is an end.

However with your wife, there is no guaranteed happy ending. What I am saying is that although what has happened is heart breaking for you, for me when my husband was so unhappy it really affected me negatively - our relationship was not good and it didnt funtion like a healthy one should. Could this be her reason for saying she doesnt love you? Perhaps she needs to see the man she fell in love with again.

My point is and most importantly is that you get yourself healthy again, that you find your true self again. Again it may be too late for your relationship but you are young and you have all your life to embrace. I am certainly not saying that you are to blame for your marriage breakdown - as I said you both made mistakes but whats important is how you deal with it now.

If you do want to try and win her back, then focus on yourself and listen to what she is saying to you - she needs space, so give it to her. This will be really hard however at least you WILL KNOW you have given this your best shot and that is all anyone (including your wife) can ask!

[Delilah]

Hi The Gardener - it sounds very similar indeed and more so in what you wrote yesterday.

My own husband is a deep person, he finds it difficult to articulte his feelings and I have to prise them out of him. Before he actually got diagnosed with depression, he would keep everything 100% inside b/c that was what he was used to doing. Myself I will talk my problems through with trusted family/friends and obviously now I am married with firstly my partner.

Everyone deals with their issues differently, I find it difficult to keep things in as it twists and makes me very unhappy so I prefer to get it out. My partner has kept it in and it made him quite bitter and demotivated.My partner found my way of dealing with things annoying b/c he didnt do it like that and I was annoyed with him for keeping it all in. However we compromised, he trys to talk to me more and I only talk to him about certain things.

My husband was also negative about all aspects of his life, I had to literally look for another job for him, drag him to his doctors and nnow he is so much happier and positive. In fact he sometimes tells me off for negativity but am glad b/c it shows he is much more mentally stronger and happier. You too will get there, it seems long and hard but there is an end.

However with your wife, there is no guaranteed happy ending. What I am saying is that although what has happened is heart breaking for you, for me when my husband was so unhappy it really affected me negatively - our relationship was not good and it didnt funtion like a healthy one should. Could this be her reason for saying she doesnt love you? Perhaps she needs to see the man she fell in love with again.

My point is and most importantly is that you get yourself healthy again, that you find your true self again. Again it may be too late for your relationship but you are young and you have all your life to embrace. I am certainly not saying that you are to blame for your marriage breakdown - as I said you both made mistakes but whats important is how you deal with it now.

If you do want to try and win her back, then focus on yourself and listen to what she is saying to you - she needs space, so give it to her. This will be really hard however at least you WILL KNOW you have given this your best shot and that is all anyone (including your wife) can ask!

[TheGardener]

I saw a pshychiatrist today. I was diagnosed with Dysthymia and moderate recurrent depression. I need to talk to my wife about it.

[Alice Alice]

I looked up Dysthymia

and found this

Appetite decreased or increased
Sleep decreased or increased
Fatigue or low energy
Poor self-image
Reduced concentration or indecisiveness
Feels hopeless or pessimistic


That can be anything ...don't take drugs for this go see a naturopathic doc
it can be diet and exercise
try simple things such as this before you get into the drugs...please

your wife might not be a good person for support being she wasn't there before when you needed her...and she still is putting you on the shelf it seems

Pray to God for help
i will be

[tia1500]

HI
please if you can stay away from the anti deppresents. I was put on them i took them for three days and i was more deppressed and suicidal than before. When i went to doctors all they said was they take 10 days to work properly. I put them down the sink i would have been dead before 10 days was up . She would not change them until i had been on them for 10 days. I decided i would rather have the bad days and my mind my own

[TheGardener]

Being diagnosed with Dysthymia is more than just fitting the symptoms. There are more parameters to meet. For one I know they fit me, not just at this point in my life, but since I was a teenager. The psych takes a history that goes back to childhood and puts the pieces together. Dysthymia is in the same family as depression, but it's technically a mood disorder. In my case it's superimposed with recurrent moderate depression, probably caused by life events. I for one am glad to be put on meds. They worked great for my mother who went through a major depression a month back. I AM very aware that they can have side-effects, including provoke suicidal thoughts and overall aggravate the depression. However whatever physician told you to just wait because they need to time to work made a blatant mistake IMO. I was warned of those side-effects and was told to IMMEDIATELY stop taking the meds if they happened. In that case, your physician should have looked for another type of antidepressents that worked for you - each family works differently - and get you off the ones that mad eyou more depressed. It's pretty irresponsible to tell a patient to just wait out until they start working IMO.

[Alice Alice]

Taking pills is too easy try the harder road of eating well exercising

i believe pills are the last resort

it seems you need to find a friend who will help you along with this way of thinking.

Food can heal ...look up healing foods PLUS exercises...you never know just try that first

[Desperate]

Anti - depressants can have the reverse effect on some people, as it did with me. If you try them and you get worse, STOP!

The best, VERY BEST medication you can take right now

EXERCISE

EAT WELL

Many of us have been through what you are going through. I won't give you song and verse of what I would do and why because, having lived through similar, I understand you wouldn't take my advice anyway...it's the love thing that clouds our common sense.

If I could have gone back to when I learnt of my ex's betrayal, I would have cooly and calmly told her to move out, or I would do so, that I want a Divorce and no contact from her. Let her stew and see if she comes back. Of course in my case, I would never have taken her back had I known then what I know now.

[TheGardener]

Hi all. My wife and I met last night to talk about all the psych stuff. She'd done some research so she was already edcuated about my conditions, particularly dysthymia. It all started with small talk, happy talk. then we talked about the psych issues and I told her the symptoms and how they explained the aspects of my personality that she's come to be frustrated with. When I got done, she said she was happy was working on being a positive, happy person, but that it didn't change the way she felt. I should have asked for a clarification, because I don't know if she meant it didn't change the fact that she didn't want to work things out, or if it meant that it didn't change the fact that she still didn't know if she wanted to work things out - the latter being what she's been telling me since she's left. I told her that I missed her a lot and loved her. She answered she didn't know what to say. I asked to ponder the fact that many of the things in me she doesn't like are due to those psych issues and she told me she's been thinking about it. I told her I wanted her in my life and we hugged. I suggested we could live separately and start to date to see if she'd like the changes. No real answer. I told her I missed her again and she said she had a lot of information to process and we parted ways. I'm seeing and a guy friend of hers for brunch on Sunday. Then her mom offered to meet halfway (she lives several hours away) for Easter with my wife and my dad who is coming to visit me, and my wife accepted. I guess I don't know what to think there. Why would she OK brunch and meeting with her parents (whom she's been avoiding on the phone since she left as they don't approve of her actions) and my father for Easter if she'd made a decision? I'm sad and lost.

[Alice Alice]

i truely believe you should find more people who you can spend time with
i will send you a prayer you sound heart broken :(

[Alice Alice]

STRESS REDUCING FOODS
i thought of you when i found this...i will fallow it out too
hope it works out with you...i did cut and paste this

Almonds
These crunchy little dudes are great stress relievers: they're packed with vitamin B2 (riboflavin), vitamin E, magnesium, and zinc. B vitamins and magnesium are involved in the production of serotonin, which helps regulate mood and relieve stress. Zinc has also been shown to fight some of the negative effects of stress, while vitamin E is an antioxidant that destroys the free radicals related to stress and heart disease.

However, you should only eat a small handful at a time since almonds are high in fat. Although it is mostly healthy fat of the unsaturated variety, it could still make you pack on the pounds.Number 9Fish
Most types of fish are replete with all-important B vitamins, particularly the renowned stress fighters B6 and B12. In fact, B12 is one of the most important vitamins involved in the synthesis of the "happy" brain chemical serotonin; a vitamin B12 deficiency can even lead to depression.

For lunch, try a tuna salad or sandwich (with light mayo). A good dinner option is grilled salmon or mackerel with a side of leafy greens and whole-grain rice; see below for more on the stress-fighting benefits of these foods.Number 8Broccoli
Yet another food that is chock-full of stress-relieving B vitamins, broccoli has the added benefit of containing folic acid, which is also part of the B vitamin family. Folic acid helps relieve stress, anxiety, panic, and even depression.

Try broccoli as a simple accompaniment to fish or chicken, or toss it into a stir-fry along with a few other vegetables and some beef or shrimp.Number 7Whole-grain rice or pasta
It's a good thing carbohydrates are finally back in style now that everyone has realized those low-carb diets were a bunch of hooey; carbs boost serotonin levels and thus have a calming, soothing effect. While all carbs will give you this kick, stick to whole-grain bread, rice and pasta.

Simple carbs like white bread and pastries will only give you a momentary boost followed by a crash, and they will make you pack on the pounds. On the other hand, whole grains (complex carbs) are digested more slowly and will thus keep you feeling fuller -- and conceivably happier -- for a longer period of time.

A small portion of brown rice or whole-wheat pasta as a side dish for dinner should give you the boost you need.

That big steak might actually calm you, as will these other stress-busting foods...

Sushi
Aside from the benefits of fish described on the first page, the seaweed in maki (rolls) also has anxiety-fighting properties. Iis packed with stress-relieving magnesium, as well as pantothenic acid and vitamin B2 (riboflavin).

Pantothenic acid is crucial, as it contributes to the health of the adrenal glands, which play a vital role in stress management. In times of stress, a deficiency in pantothenic acid can lead to feelings of anxiety and increased vulnerability to infection, illness and chronic fatigue.

In addition to those kung fu-fighting vitamins B2 and B12, milk also contains antioxidants that help destroy free radicals associated with stress.

Have some skim milk with your cereal for breakfast or pour yourself a tall, cold glass and use it as an excuse to scarf down a few chocolate chip cookies. Uh, not too often.Number 4Cantaloupe and cottage cheese
Cantaloupe is an excellent source of vitamin C, which is crucial in combating stress. In fact, prolonged periods of stress deplete levels of vitamin C in the adrenal glands, so it's important to consume foods that contain high levels of it.

Since cottage cheese is a good source of vitamins B2 and B12, mixing it with cantaloupe for breakfast or a midday snack will help you banish your feelings of anxiety.Number 3Beef
Ah, another great reason to indulge in a big slab of beef -- it will chill you out thanks to the iron, B vitamins and zinc it contains. Of course, beef does contain unhealthy saturated fat, which increases your risk of coronary heart disease and other illnesses.

To get around this problem, pick the leanest cuts of beef you can find; look for the word "round" or "loin" in the name, such as top sirloin, top round, and tenderloin.Number 2Fortified breakfast cereal
These days, many breakfast cereals are fortified with a slew of essential vitamins and minerals, so they can be a great one-stop source of stress-fighting B vitamins, folic acid, vitamin C, and fiber.

Two good brands to try are Whole Grain TOTAL and Fiber One, or you can check out my "Best Breakfast Cereals" article for more options.Number 1Blueberries
These little blue miracle workers are jam-packed with antioxidants and vitamin C, which are potent stress busters. As an added bonus, they're low in calories, so they won't make you blimp-like.

Blueberries are also a good source of fiber, which can help relieve the cramps and constipation that can occur in times of stress. Mix the little suckers with some cottage cheese or eat them on their own as a snack or dessert.