Can't Get Any Respect

[TrixieK]

My husband of nearly 3 years ignores me. Examples include talking over me, interrupting me, discounting my opinions, not responding when I talk, and NEVER touching me except when he wants sex. The only body part he ever touches is my boobs, and that's usually when I'm doing dishes, on the phone, etc. Truthfully, he is more affectionate with the dog, our daughters, his friends, relatives... everyone but me. He has told me only one time that I'm beautiful and it was in 2003!

I'm 41 and really quite good looking. Not trying to blow my own horn, but I'm in great shape... There should be no reason why he would ignore my needs. I'm smart, earn good money, no skeletons in the closet, no hunchback, etc. I try really hard to share his interests (he plays in a band... I go to every show), I'm very good friends with his family and friends, we have 3 daughters and I'm a good mom. What gives?

Believe me, I've asked, begged, cried, etc. on every emotional level I can think of to ask him to stop disrespecting me and actually listen to what I say and try to be a little more romantic. I've been rational, non-emotional, timed the discussions so he would really listen, and still nothing. He says he loves me, but only during these discussions. I've asked him quite seriously to tell me I look great every day... just SAY THE WORDS!! I've asked him to start kissing me and light my fire, but instead he grabs is crotch and says "Wanna get it on?" It's like he just doesn't WANT or care to make me happy!!

The bottom line of this: I need to feel desired, beautiful, interesting, and smart in order to feel intimate with him. All he needs is himself. I'm going to start therapy and see if there is a way to help myself. I'm filled with anger, resentment, sadness. Any help out there?

[Alice Alice]

It seems as if he knows you well enough that he keeps pushing his limits crossing your boundaries... he thinks he can get away with it because you let him once (i have done this kind of thing)
i'm a softy in the worst way then i find myself having to fix all the loose ends that was caused by me letting my hubby get away with crap

Normally when someone has no self respect they can't show respect same goes with self Love.

Your self esteem is going through the ringer did you say the words "you make me feel like a second class citizen or something like that

Maybe he is a victim to verbal diarrhea and needs to get the book "i'm a recovering immature ass"

i just thought of something ...do you do everything around the house has he become a spoiled little boy who refuses to clean his room.

Sorry if i sound really bitchy...rude people is my #1 pet peeve

[TrixieK]

Thanks Alice Alice... some of what you said is very true. I probably did let him get away with this type of behavior in the beginning and now I have to fix it. My husband has never been called a 'good listener'... he is a very big "blurter"... something enters his mind he runs with it with zero regard to anyone else who is talking at the time.

Funny... I really don't do any of the housework... he does. We really have a very strange dynamic... he bought the house for me, but without me there to pick it out, so I still don't feel like it's mine. Therefore, I will not clean it. My hubby is very big on 'grand gestures' like buying me a house, a car, etc. He does this as a big surprise so everyone will think he's a great guy and see how much he loves me. Then, after the party's over and everyone goes home, he's back to ignoring me, talking over me, etc. Sometimes I don't think he even knows I'm in the room... I could tape record my responses!

[Alice Alice]

Hmmm
My Hubby does this too in public.. it all "looks" great but when we are alone he ignores me
why don't you ask your husband to switch roles, you do the house work and he deals with all the things you do.

Ever think he might have adult ADHD

[Raymond]

Just a long shot Trixie. Your prime love language seems to be words of affirmation. His I would guess is receiving gifts. Maybe he is showing love in the way that he feels it and thinks he is loving doing that. It needn't be expensive, just the thought.

My wife's prime love language (we have more than one but they seem in a different order for different people) was touch (not to be confused with sex). It took me years to discover that that is what I must do to make her feel loved. I was an orphan and therefore did not get the touch in order to give it. I'm talking about cuddles, holding hands a light kiss etc. she feels love in this way so I had to learn it. Have you tried giving your husband a small gift? Might or might not work. You have to try anything here.

There is a book called The Five Love Languages of Love by Dr Gary Chapman which goes into this in detail. It might help. As I said just a longshot.

Some people love but their love is not always perceived and they don't speak the right language. It all work isn't it?

Raymond

[justme&bailey]

Hi

alice that is a great response and sooooooooooo funny typical you...my husband done nothing around our house im mean nothing and i blame myself for that because i never really pushed him as i saw it as nagging!!

Your husband sounds just like mine hes full of gestures and making everybody think hes a great husband when people are around but when they go i get the ignoring bit too and i agree the sex thing i need to feel loved not just get in the bed after hes been sitting on the sofa doing feck all all night and im running about like a blue arsed fly and then perform for him!!!

God they are so annoying and selfish...i say to my hubby you only get out of this relationship what you put in..hence why we are currantley separated i couldnt talk any more of that behaviour from the selfish spoilt little boy...

Asking them for what you want doesnt seem to work mind will agree but i say actions speak louder than words..

Jmb

[Alice Alice]

Raymond
you got me thinking, what is my love language? this is good i have to look into it, thanx

Jmb
seems like we are in the same boat with our men having the same type of personality ..and we are similar too
ps hope all works out with the big smile and hair tossing moment ..throw in a eye twinkle

TrixieK
What are the things you really like about your Hubby...maybe tell him that before you tell him a negative thing about him'
supposedly it takes 3 compliments to every one criticism

Do all you guys live in the UK?
it seems there is a big time difference
i'm in BC Canada

[TrixieK]

Thanks for the great responses .... I can feel the love! Funny that I get more attention and love from complete strangers than from the man who supposedly loves me!

Alice Alice: In answer to your question about complimenting my husband, YES, I constantly tell him how good looking, talented, great dad, etc. every day. He really is all of these things! I don't know if his past memories of being a 'geek' as a kid, or his first wife not ever saying anything positive to him has left scars (probably), but I do kinow that reinforcing positive traits and helping him to feel like #1 (at least to me) is a kind, loving way to treat him.

I know that many posters in this forum have way worse problems than I do, and I'm sure most people will feel like I'm just a big baby because my husband ignores and disrespects me, but I feel like my world is falling apart! My heart is breaking with the truth that my one true love feels nothing but disdain and nothingness for me... it's evident in the way he just doesn't SEE me, HEAR me, TOUCH me, LISTEN to me... I'm just a nothing to him.

Also, I'm in Michigan... so it's almost 9:00 a.m. here.

[Alice Alice]

Dear TrixieK

I really feel for you that's why i got all pissy on my first post on your thread
Raymond has me on the hunt for a book called the Love Language

Take care
talk to you soon

PS Go Red Wings!

[mrwoz]

Oh dear
whats all this , " get this book get that book about "
you really think he,s going to have time to read all that stuff
one thing you said " ex wife "
is that why he has a ex wife ???
Look from a mans view ( not a book )
i treated me wife a bit like that
loved her millions
but cant show affection
yes i can touch or ( grab ) as you put it , but the rest i find very hard to do , Because i was hurt in the past aswell
i dont talk over her ,sorry ( did,nt )
he just knows you are there as did i , i knew she was beautiful so never told her , i knew she loved me so never asked
guess what
she left me 4 months ago for all the reasons above
now i wish i could tell her all them things and touch her one more time but she has gone , and i,m sure to somebody who tells her all that stuff ( got no proof of that )
so my advice if you really really love your man
sit him down and tell him if he dont change his ways then in the end somebody else will tell you how sexy and beautiful and wonderful you are and you will be off like a shot ,
forget the books ,
good luck
i,m back off to my lonely room

[Alice Alice]

mr woz "me"

read a book in your lonely room sip a cup of tea
sit by the window, with your cat snugged up to you.
enjoy being alone really enjoy your own company
then one day you might trust yourself not to get hurt again
or if you do its ok because you have you and you are good to be with.

[mrwoz]

and what BOOK did you get that from

[Alice Alice]

why are you so stereotypical?

[Raymond]

Don't be put off Alice. There are books and books.

Raymond

[Alice Alice]

Mr Woe's me (sorry but that's how i read it)

i hope you can stop feeling sorry for yourself there are a lot of people out there who have history of pain, abandonment, abuse and they still try to be the best husband or wife that they can be...maybe you don't read books you are a hands on kind of guy who went to the school of hard knocks ...ever read the Bible it consists of many books all wrapped up in one...maybe you should write a book...let all your feelings out.

Stop thinking of yourself for 50% of the time...help someone feel good about themselves...my last post was a nice one i was trying to be nice telling you to be happy with yourself so you can move on and treat people with kindness as you treat yourself.


what i'm trying to get at is peoples insecurities about themselves makes them a not so nice person to be with....your wife left because she needed to preserve what ever she had left after you stripped her good qualities away "BECAUSE YOU WERE HURT IN THE PAST" two wrongs don't make a right

Break the chain of pain MrWoz...you can do it...just choose

[Alice Alice]

Raymond i have missed you :)

[mrwoz]

Hey Alice
my insecurities as you put it , came from my wife having 2 affairs over the years.
sort of breaks a guy long term . but i find it funny that "most" women dont mind not being told certain thing while the cars and houses and holidays keep rolling in.
it only seems after they meet another guys who tells them they have great hair or teeth etc,,
is when they say you never treated me great.
i have never thought of myself either 50% of the time
i think of my 4 kids and wife 99.9% of the time
and the Bible is nothing but a story book to me . thats "my" opinion
so dont be to harsh to judge me Alice
bottom line is IF she has met another , it,s because he has paid more attention to her
i gave 18 years and no i was no angel either , but why just walk away ,
anyway i,m not here to be bitter. one thing is for sure
i cant change the past
it,s been 4 months after 18 years , yes i miss her and would i go back now ?
i dont think so
i have seen a side to her that a lot of guys see like teacherman , which normally means one thing NEW GUY
i have met somebody else , but it,s so hard to move on
you sort of get used to the same person knowing every little thing about them
but back to Trixie
she says all the things my wife probably now says to other people
so why did she not just tell me ???
she has to tell her hubby what she needs or be unhappy for the rest of there days together

[Alice Alice]

Oh dear
i treated me wife a bit like that
loved her millions
but cant show affection
yes i can touch or ( grab ) as you put it , but the rest i find very hard to do , Because i was hurt in the past as well


, i knew she was beautiful so never told her , i knew she loved me so never asked


guess what
she left me 4 months ago for all the reasons above
now i wish i could tell her all them things and touch her one more time but she has gone ,


i,m back off to my lonely room



You treated your wife like this because you were hurt in the past...i guess this is where i say ok your poor hurt soul go ahead and treat people the way you were treated ....like a tradition of some sort

Your wife had an affair and 2wice sorry to hear this....did you 2 get help?

sorry if i'm harsh i have been hurt like you too, but i don't hurt anyone back ...i am guilty of neglecting myself...i just wished i could meet someone who would take my hand and say STOP doing too much i will help you we will work together in this relationship instead i meet men who let me get stuck with all the blame or have no consideration of me.

i believe to be a codependent i am going for help

what are you doing wrong in your relationship?what will you be doing for help?