Hubby has read my posts

[Alice Alice]

I have been posting on this sight since Christmas
when I'm on this sight i don't turn it off when my Hubby comes in the room (as long as I'm just reading posts)
so he peeks over my shoulder i get a bit shy but i don't care for the most part

He said he read every one of my posts last night or this morning, it wasn't hard for him to figure out i was the Alice Alice postie.

i feel a bit strange about it but not bothered...i feel this is a good thing but i don't know how to use it to my benefit?

[Raymond]

You have posted good stuff Alice and some good stuff has been posted that hopefully he will have read. One can only hope and pray that he finds the right way forward through what has been said. He can be in no doubt as to what you think now. What other way is there to think?

Raymond

[Alice Alice]

Thanx Raymond some days is easier then others to deal with this

[Micou]

Sweety, did he give you any feedback/impressions of what he had read in your posts? It can be very positive that he has been able to see just how much pain he has caused you.

[Alice Alice]

He said i posted a lot of posts that's it and i will give him a little time to soak in his thoughts ...thank you for being in my corner... i will be asking him the question what he thinks of what he read...I'm blessed to have found you and the other ladies :) plus Raymond!

ps i will be prepared for the uncomfortable silence that might occur when i wait for the answer...i tend to be the first to talk when i should remain silent for the response

Thanks Micou

[Micou]

I think that the fact that he has admitted to reading the posts and knows that it is you is actually very interesting. I cannot wait to find out what he says.

I hope he realises what a fantastic and wonderful woman he has and she needs lots and lots of sweet loving!!!!

[Alice Alice]

hee hee you got me all smiles:D

[Alice Alice]

Update:
i asked him what he thought of my posts, he said i was very clear about how i felt.
He was very willing to talk about it i was surprised how easy it was to get his attention (his front wheel on the truck broke half off today)

his day has been a bit stressful
So i will talk with him more about this another time...soon
it feels that he is a bit disconnected but willing to talk...??

If your reading this Mr Alice give me more to chew on...:D

[Raymond]

It's perfectly understandable how you feel. Most women would feel the way you do and with good reason. Marriage was never meant to be like this.

Raymond

[Alice Alice]

very true
love is blind and marriage is an eye opener
he needs to open his eyes to how i feel

[Micou]

If you're reading this Mr Alice for goodness sake grab hold of your woman, take her out to dinner, shower her with roses and champagne (don't forget some good quality chocs - you can send them to the rest of us Mrs Alice is not interested in the chocs), then book into a hotel room for a hot night of passion!! Damn it man, go wild with the babe!!!!

[Raymond]

Alice is a million times better than any porn as she is real. The others get paid to sell you an illusion. It will lead to emptiness and loneliness. Eventually you will have destroyed your real sex life and your marriage and become addicted. Those who say they are not addicted let them just try to stop. I believe it infects our spirits and our marriages as the images don't leave easily. You will look at women through the wrong lens and not respect them as real human beings. Get out while you can. Did you know that porn stars have by far the highest suicide rate in the world out of any profession? They are dealing with dirt and men's souls however exciting the packaging is. Nothing is for nothing in this world. You will be paying a bitter cost in the long run.

Do not let your heart turn aside to her ways. Do not stray into her paths. For she has cast down many and wounded them. All who were slain by her were strong men. Her house is the way to hell, descending into the chambers of death. Proverbs 7:25/27

Raymond

[Alice Alice]

Raymond those are good words to read over and over
thanks

[1aokgal]

To Alice Alice and all.......

I thought many times to sit my husband down in front of this computer forum and say .."Here, read this." When he has gone to bed and I am up until 3AM and finally get into bed he sometimes stirs to say.." It is late." He knows I sew, paint and often work at the computer until very late. Mine, is a completely sexless marriage.

One might say I don't harbor a lot of anger now or much of anything. My emotions are pretty cold. Not cold to my grown children or my sweet animals or to others. I am very kind to him and considerate always in what I do for him as a woman. The area where I am wife is to nurture or in making of the home area. I do all the financial planning as taxes, planning or such. He is generous and puts the money..most of it into my account. I bought all the property, autos and such. I see things are maintained as well so there is power and responsibility. He does some things to maintain or fix things as needed. he is also gone months at a time in his work.

I think it would be a waste of time for him to read my posts. He knows my feelings but chooses to ignore them. He values my "services" as I have common sense that we prosper but he meets his own needs sexually. It is likely I would feel invaded to have him read my posts which are free and untethered by a need to be considerate to his feelings. I would find the same as when I have ever had discussion with him on this subject that it took days to return to "normal." The big talk only stirred up agitation and impatience and did nothing to bring about change. It was like a hornets nest I had to walk around for several days. He would be the wounded one...the injured one...and angry. I would feel nothing resolved and he would say he was sorry and he would "try" and maybe ......and nothing..... would change except a bit of hugging and he would be sad. I would be uncomfortable and feel trapped...as usual. Trapped. So I will not invite him to read here.

I think a man who is a sad husband should not invade your space, Alice Alice. That is like playing detective and putting control on where you can talk about your feelings. I would put a lock/password on your computer. I want no one to read my thoughts, feelings ..here in the night..except those who can understand as you do. You live it as well.
Goodnight.

[Raymond]

On the other hand he might pick up something good, something true.

Raymond

[Alice Alice]

This is very juicy 1okgal

i understand exactly where your coming from
but i believe i need to go through the not so pretty part of love so i can be where i want to be
That peace you speak of that you need so much is exactly what i want
but i need to kick up some dirt to rearrange things and put them in another order
He needs to measure up to my needs after all i'm important too.

My Husband hasn't my pass word to this sight he can view it anytime he wants ...i think it was on the history part of the computer i did try to remove it...i thought i did...but its not that bad he isn't treating me badly, he seems to be looking at me differently...maybe when i tell him how i feel about his Porn habit and sexless treatment with me, he will listen up with more understanding
i any case i can change my user name but he will figure out who i am because my thoughts and feelings are mine he knows how i feel about it ... that's how he found me out.
unless i go to another sight i don't know if i want to leave this sight

He is having truck problems so he hasn't been on the computer last 3 days but he will be back here and when he talks to me about what i wrote or any other persons point of view i will be very very interested to hear about it

he did say he didn't realize how much of a christian i was
he is a Christian he was thinking about joining a church "the church of the 7th day Adventist" but i don't really think i want to go there.
That's a good thing he is thinking of it though...

You have always been a awesome person to talk to thanks...you always bring up a lot of good points

you sound happy in your relationship you have sacrificed to keep your family together and i respect you for that.

[1aokgal]

Raymond...

I doubt if reading my posts or any here would alter things with my husband. He lives in a perect LA-LA land and has it as he wants it.
It is funny how devoted to me he can be.....beyond all reason, in view of the fact there has been no sex for 14 years.

He had to be away in nearby city a few days. He called me twice a day as he always calls at noon from work. This time he said I am his compass to come home to and that I should know he hates to be away. He kidded me about his drive there as when I am not riding along he does not get reminded a lane will soon end or to slow down a bit. He said it was lonely to drive without my input.

He is always kind to me except his actions speak volumes that my need for intimacy went off the list. He values my contributions and laughs and tells me I don't age and always look attractive. Nice compliments but no substance and no cigar for a happy marriage. I would have followed him anywhere and still feel he has so many attributes. If he were disabled I would understand why the marriage is sterile.

I wish I had a free coupon for a few years of psychotherapy for him and I got to read the report at the end. We should all get together and write a scorcher of a book about such marriages.
Good night, all.

[Raymond]

Alice's problem I feel is more straightforward than yours 1aokgirl. I feel the dangers and wrongness of porn are very well represented on here and could hopefully enlighten him. You say your husband lives in La La land and it certainly seems that way to me. I would guess that he has a very strong imagination and could be getting his release in this fantasy world on his own, I don't know. If it's not porn my reasoning suggests it could be the solo thing. If I am right his sexual drive will be pouring into that, maybe trained into it before you even met him. Nothing else makes sense to me unless he was gay, but you would have known if he was by now I would have thought. He may be very nice and a perfect husband as you say but it does not mean he hasn't got a problem. He most certainly has in my book. Culture or whatever cannot hide the fact that it is so.

Raymond

[1aokgal]

Raymond..

I think you are dead-on with the solo thing. He was wired that way from the beginning. The sex was down within a year or so and thereafter really at my pressing until year 10. It was very bad as by the 4th year I had gained a good deal of weight and was really depressed. I set about to lose the weight and did it under doctor care and went to the gym 3X week and ended up as my husband told me with an awesome shape.

My son was in the service during that time. We were at a party on base and I was dancing with my husband and his friends. My son told me he could not believe his friends were trying to hit on his mom. That was a compliment to my hard work. I thought to lose the weight then was the key. I accepted these problems may have been my fault as the weight was perhaps an issue. You see that so many times with the women here that they accept the blame for the sexual inadequacy in the marriage. They often say..If I lose weight ..if I do this or that.

Nothing changes. I did many things to enhance the product...me. I was already a decent looking woman even when with the extra weight then. No one would have thrown me in the ashcan for it. No, the problem is exactly as you note. He has a job which keeps him months away in a pretty lonely area...no women. I think that is exactly the problem and once over the years that habit is in itself enough. I have a deep love for the man these 28 years but I have been cheated from the beginning. A man does not present a cetificate that says..by the way..I meet my own needs.

I plan to sign up for weekly dance class again and enjoy getting out. He will be gone for months in summer as that is his job. He has been around at home for last year and during this time could have values that.

I have a deep love for this man but my clock is ticking to have some intimacy in my life. I mentioned I have a health problem that gives me some urgency to get things right. My doctor told me several times to make it happy. I should do that. That means not to stress over this cause or problem which is his.....not mine.
Thanks as always for your input.

[Raymond]

I am honoured that you have revealed a little more to me 1okgal. I sensed from the from the beginning that there was something but also that you didn't like me prying. There is a stronghold there which is not an ordinary one that he is gripped by. I have read of incredible things on this line that I would never speak of on this site. I feel there is a lot he is not revealing to you.

I am sure that you are an incredible woman and that you are not the problem. That is obvious to us all.

Raymond

[1aokgal]

Raymond.......

You are kindness indeed. Yes, it is hard to share things that so hurt me to the soul. I wish there was a TV psychologist, Dr. Phil, who would intervene and say .."Let's expose this sexless marriage and see where lies the truth of it."

Sometimes I can think I am past the desire to be with him..the man I have loved these 28 years. "Let it lie in peace. " My grandchild is here this week and sleeps and I take her to school. I am not 20 anymore. Can a woman love with a full heart so many years that one man? I say, yes, she can.

When he comes into the house he comes first to me after the pets greet him at the door. Today I made fresh bread as he likes it so much. The smell of it wafts through the house. He stopped at the store after work for a few extra things for the dinner. He kisses me and showers and changes. He cooks the dinner tonight and it is something I like. Now..those who back door their husbands when he is at work with another lover......their minds don't work like mine. I say.."What can I do for him that he is happy?" The fact he does also for me tells me I am important to him and that he loves me. We are not intimate these many years... half the marriage.

He is a good man and deserves the decency I have given to him. It is hard....... because I long for him the way you feel the breeze across your cheek..softly and warm. If I could say, "How do I love him?"

I knew I always loved him from the 3rd day we met. We married on the 25th day. Do you find that a rushed decision? I would say it is a great love story........except for this space between us for half the years together.

When I was most ill, the last 5 years, he came in the early morning to the hospital before 5AM to visit before he went to work. He attended to me if he saw I needed a washcloth or sip of water in the dimness of the hospital room. He would tell me I had nothing to fear. He told me I would be alright. That is not what the medical doctors said to me.

We went through this numerous times as I have a problem that won't be mended. It does not diminish my life but let's say I should not delay doing all the things I would like to do. If you saw the movie," The Bucket List' than it is similar. One needs to prioritize all the things that are important to do in life.

We all must take stock of the blessings we have been given and the choices we made to live every day to the fullest. I knew three people the last few years who thought they had great health and passed suddenly and rather young. It is sad to read letters here on the forum how trivialized a marriage or relationship can be to many who see only their own desires. They care nothing about the children or family involved in their reckless decisions. I think if we all ask ourselves...."If I had only a month to live would I continue on the present course? Would I want to make another happy, more than myself?
"Can I bring out the finest moments to love deeply and completely and forget about my own agenda? Just for today, can I be unselfish and kind?"

So many stories here could be great love stories with different decisions. As much as I feel sad about some issues in my marriage, I know if I were hurt, sick or needed help I know my husband would be there for me. He would not be visiting someone else, or drunk. Maybe if we all saw more of the good in another we would realize the other imperfect traits are much less.

Certainly life can be the canvas we paint with wonderful colors or devoid of any color, grey and sad. Maybe that is why I love so much to paint ! I can throw great vibrant colors and sign the picture in the corner. This is how I see this. This is how I want to be remembered as someone who lives with passion but with order and meaning.

I see that is your pattern, Raymond, as you give hope to some and help many repair a wasted life or wrong decision.

[Raymond]

I've never doubted the love you have for each other 1okgirl. A lot of women would settle for what you have. Your attitude is first class. Love is the most important thing in the world. For God so loved the world that He gave.

The problem does bug me though. I ask my self what happened in his childhood? What secret activity has built up this stronghold that even his great love for you cannot deal with. What has taken the pre-eminence that a man denies the physical love that we were created to express in marriage? These questions remain unanswered, but I won't pry anymore.

God bless you. You are an amazing woman.

Raymond

[1aokgal]

Raymond.....

One of curiousity myself, I would open an envelope if I thought there was an answer within. I have often pried and sleuthed when I hoped to find a clue to what holds a man prisoner within himself. I think there are no childhood mysteries as he had ideal and good family. So there is truth elsewhere.

Alice said she confronts her husband to get change. Perhaps she is where I was 10 years ago to cause direct head-on talks. There the answer is a known quantity and no mistake. Porn steals lives. Seems that direct talks did not work for me. Perhaps today my need is peace and to protect my health. That acceptance means what is left is time, unchanged.

Sure wish You were in the question box and he, in the response section. Yes, I do think he regrets much of the loss in the nature of our marriage but he seems locked into his addiction. Thanks for your kind regards.

I hope your marriage is a good one and your direct inquiring mind deals with problems before they become toxic.
Have a great day!

[Alice Alice]

1okgal
your an amazing woman!!!
If you feel happy with your husband i guess that's all that is important

i'm not happy in the overall picture, we are moving to our new home soon so the whole excitement has made things fall on the back burner

but i will be attending a codependent group

Have a great weekend my dear
HUGSXXX

gab

[Alice Alice]

Happy Easter to you Raymond
send me a little prayer

[Raymond]

It would be wrong if you were happy with porn going on. You can be happy in yourself though and in other things. Will pray for you.

Happy Easter.

Raymond

[1aokgal]

Dear Raymond, Alice and all.....

My husband works friday/Saturday so for me it is sewing and painting which I love and like the quiet. Sunday is for me to cook here for my family.

Alice, I have a great deal of contentment with life in these areas.
I have a lovely home and good lifestyle. That was not the case in years before as I truly struggled. If I were perfectly happy I would not have found the forum nor share your concerns. We are neighbors and community. I wish all could find life easier.

We had a tragedy here yesterday in my city when a 52 year old man, who was being evicted from his apartment, went berserk. Who know whether he lost his job or what occurred. He walked into the rental office where he resides in apartment community with two guns and shot 5 workers execution style, killing three. Two more are seriously hurt. He committed suicide while he was inside with the body of one of the victims and surrounded by a SWAT team. So many families will have Easter without a mother or father. Such tragedy! We hear every day of such things and young men lost in the war as well.

Let us work hard to bring the love we can into our homes and change some patterns even as we learn to adapt around our challenges. We have many blessings. Perhaps I am too simplistic in how I see things as this is not the worst problem one can have.
I wish you all a beautiful Easter.

[Alice Alice]

Dear 1okgal

i didn't say you were perfectly happy, i understand your reason to be on this sight just like the reason i'm here its to feel that i'm not alone in this problem.

i respect you and i hope you feel the same way about me.

i did hear about that gun man in your building...wow!!
that will put a scare in anyone make us feel so thankful we live in good life be it that we still have needs to improve it.

Hope your weekend was a good one
love gab

[1aokgal]

To Alice ALice...
You mentioned a co-dependency group... sounds to be a great idea. I have heard really good things about these. Hope you are moved and things are better for you now. You seem such a sweet person and I hope you are doing well. We all want to find life a bit happier, right?
The site here is helpful to most of us. It is good to sort out thoughts and sometimes we add something for another and it is a reward for us as well.
Best to you Gab
:-)


To others who are interested...

The question is how to you continue to love another human being through the years? Does love wear out? I say no, it does not. It gets calmer and at times sad for some of the hard times. Love is still like a fire when the embers glow red. It takes a little effort to light again. I think love is a choice we make and repeat the mantra......I choose to love.

I could not think to leave or to give up the love that was given in good faith to me. It is not what is now, but what was I could live on and sustains. Isn't that how it is as time will pass?

At the beginning, I loved biblically. I gave him a bible back then and underlined these passages in the Book of Ruth. It has been years and I still feel the same way despite some issues that have caused me pain. There has never been infidelity nor was I ever treated with a lack of respect.

I see so many who post here who say we had hard times.....I think we should separate or I had an affair and now am confused. The two people are fast to say some pretty cruel things to each other. I cannot understand where is the capacity to love? I have endless capacity to love. That means whatever we had together brought out the best in me and made me a better person because it was given to me as a gift to understand how one can love. It is also interesting to look up "love" and how many ways and times it is mentioned in the bible.

The nature of love is very clear in these passages.

"Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: For wither though goest, I will go: and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: Thy people shall be my people, and thy God, my God: where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: The Lord do so to me, and more also, if aught but death part thee and me."

I wish more here would think less about themselves and more about the nature of love and what sacrifice one has to be willing to make. It is not about who is more right but how much of ourselves we can give.
I guess the definition of love is also when we love another more than we love ourselves. What is the ultimate good for another?

Perhaps sometime I wil ask my husband if he is interested to read here.

[Alice Alice]

1aokgal
your so right about how important it is not to blame...i learned that here one of the men who posted on the sexless thread...i forget his name.
The love you have for your husband is the reason why you stay strong.
let him read your thoughts i think we married the same kind of man.
love you Claudette

[1aokgal]

Alice Alice (Gab).......

I heard my husband may be home soon. The talk was this week but now he posted it may be delayed. That is no problem for me as I have SOOOO many things to do. I have a great portrait in oil I need to finish of his father..who died in December. A good one takes a few months. I should have worked more on it. Shame on me.

I want to get some things done here and I got a man in to pull out some old bushes in the front. He wanted a fortune to plant some new ones there so i passed on that. So looks like I buy some flower plants a few at a time and get my husband to do the heavy bush planting when he gets back. Already the yard looks better there. Funny, how I always seem to fill the time. When I was younger and alone I think I remember I felt more loneliness than today. Now I am happy in m space.
I am always glad to see my husband when he gets back ..this time it is 3.5 months gone. There is always the worry something will happen to him in these manly jobs.
Would love to hear how it goes for you
Love
Claudette

There are many times here where connecting to you all here fills the spot in the late night to reach out and talk about something and it is a good thing.

[1aokgal]

Alice Alice..

Gab..Hope you are well and things are better since last we shared thought. I miss your posts. Thanks so much for your kindness and all heart above..... love you too.....because you are very special indeed.

My husband is home again (Aug. 6th) after working overseas or rather on his ship the last 3.5 months. The work is hard and he does a lot of overtime and the money is good. the fact though is that he is gone extended periods of time. back a couple days and we will get out on our boat on Sunday. He will take care of some jobs to do here and I heard he will leave again in Sepetember. My feelings for him have never changed and I love him dearly. I just don't understand him...that is true.

The time moved up for him to go as he was to have a couple months here but now it seems he will leave as the ship has plans to do. I just do the best I can with the circumstances as they exist.
My painting is very important to me so I get more creative and block out issues that bother me. It is a great way to lose hours and see colors come alive.
What is going on with you now. Are you OK?
Love..Claudette