asking for your prayers

[hurt and confused]

Hello,

My wife and i are currently going to our church through an enrich program to try and save our 12 year marriage. Through this program i realized that a self esteem issue is part of the reasons that have caused us to have the problems that we are experiencing. The biggest one being her having an affair. I do not believe that she is completely convinced that this other man is worth leaving our marriage for, because she has not gone yet. I ask for your prayers to help her find the answers that she is looking for, to give me the wisdom to say and do the right things to fill the void she is feeling, and to give me the strength to understand and be able to forgive her for the actions that have occured. I also ask that you could say a prayer for our 2 children who are the ones that are ultimately getting hurt the worst through this situation. Thank you!!

[Micou]

I really feel your pain. Just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. So many people in so much pain . . .

[hurt and confused]

Thank you so much for your reply. We really need all the prayers that we can get right now. She is just soooo confused and making some terrible decisions that are going to affect our entire family for the rest of our lives.

[Micou]

I am so sorry to hear that. I too am in a lot of pain right now and I can fully respect the hell on earth that you are going through.

We have a chapel where I work and we had a mass today. I offered up prayers for you and your family and for everyone who is suffering from heartache in one form or another. God is great.

I am just holding on for dear life right now. Such a horrible, horrible experience that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

[hurt and confused]

You will be in my prayers as well. I agree that i would not wish this on my worst enemy either. I don't really understand why this is happening and what good will come out of it if any. I try to remain positive that God is using this experience to teach. I just really hope that some time soon i will get it so i can stop hurting.

[Micou]

I understand how you feel. Today has been a particularly bad day for me as I find that I have been unable to concentrate on any of my work and I am making silly mistakes. I keep praying that this dark, heavy, oppressive veil will soon lift off me and I can breathe again. I am trying so hard to smile and be happy, but there is a heavy rock that sits on my heart and won't let me feel any happiness.

I too am hoping that there is a lesson in this and that soon it will all become clear and everything will be alright. It's so hard to try and act like you're fine when you are dying inside!

Keep the faith. God is great.

[hurt and confused]

You just summed up my day perfectly. I hope for you that you can find peace within yourself soon. God is great!! He will show you the way. Keep the faith.

[Micou]

How r you doing? How was today?

[hurt and confused]

Thank you to everyone for your prayers. I really believe that the only way that there is a chance for us to make this situation better is for all of us to bring Christ into our lives. I also believe that this was the key element that had been missing from our family. I just ask that you keep praying for all of us to see and accept the guidance that God is giving us and to be able to follow the path that he is trying to lead us down. I ask that you also pray for my wife to be able to really open up her heart and to be able to see the path of destruction she is currently on and the strength to be able to trust the signs and turn her life around so she can truly find the happiness that she is looking for.

[Raymond]

You can't go wrong by following Christ. He is an expert in sorting messes out. He may do it direct or He may use others. We have to be open to both.

Raymond

[hurt and confused]

I agree. I am still trying to believe that through prayer and the church classes that there might be some hope. Unfortunately i believe that my wife has gotten herself in so deep that she can not or does not want to back out. It has just become lie after lie. She tells me she wants to try to make things work and then turns around and calls the other guy at the very first opportunity. I do think that God has given me the strength by letting me hold on for this long, but i am at the end of my rope and have to do what is right for me and the kids. I can not let her keep ruining our lives and playing this double life. I still ask for all the prayers we can get to help us through this mess that we have to deal with and the wisdom to be able to find the right things to help the kids.

[clockwork orange]

If it helps any - I am a wife who had an affair, more emotional than anything else but no less damaging to our marriage. My H has been quite truly amazing. He has, through patience, prayer and incredible strength of character, been able to wait it out. God needed my heart broken before He could reach me and this is what eventually happened. My H has forgiven me and supported me in ways I could not imagine possible, all through the amazing grace of our God. We are now working through a marriage enrichment course and learning to communicate better. A long way to go but oh so worth the effort.

I guess what I'm saying is don't give up on your W yet, there is always hope.

[Raymond]

That's fantastic clockwork.

Raymond

[hurt and confused]

Thank you for the reassurance clockwork. We are currently going to marriage enrichment classes at the church. Last night is when she was told that she needed to completly give him up through this program if she wanted to try and make it work. She agreed that she would, but i also heard lies while she was discussing him last night. I would like to truly believe that she is going to give him up to try and make this work, but after only seeing emotion out of her when she thought about giving him up for only one month, it is awfully hard to do. The toughest part is that for right now i have to pretend that i have no feelings and have to be available to understand that she is going through a tough time trying to give up another man. I do understand that if she is not in this relationship there is nothing for me to work on anyways. I really need to trust the power of God that he has given her the strength to get this far and that he will continue to give her the strength to be able to fight through these feelings and see that her family is worth saving and can give her all the fulfillment her heart desires and is missing right now.

[Raymond]

The right path is obvious. God will give her the strength if she wants to make the right decision. Feelings can lead you astray if you go by them. Right decisions give you the right feelings in time. I hope she learns from this incident.

Raymond

[clockwork orange]

Too right Raymond. That said, giving up the other was possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to do. What finally did it was God showing me how it was never a true friendship at all and using the other to break my heart. I'm not sure I would have been able to break away on my own because it was a highly addictive relationship. I am still going through the withdrawal symptoms. In the end it was quite literally let God do His thing or I was going to die. I have not seen the other for almost a month now and still have weepy spells and so on. But I know that I have done what was right and that God will honour that.

[hurt and confused]

I agree with what you say Raymond. I realize that this is completly out of my hands and only she can make the decision on what she is going to do. I have felt like God has answered my prayers by bringing us through this program at the church. I just really struggle with trusting that she is going to be strong enough to follow the signs that God has put in front of her. Especially since i don't really think she wants to give up the other guy right now. As i said, i know it is ultimately her decision on what she does. Unfortunately that does not help me get through this or satisfy my feelings of discomfort at this time. I will continue to pray that she can find some peace within herself so that she can turn away from this instant gratification that she is receiving for all the wrong reasons and start seeing reality again. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

[Raymond]

You are so open about your failings Clockwork. I am sure that you are an encouragement to HC. It's a shame you cannot talk directly to Mrs HC. We all have our weaknesses and the enemy knows them full well. If we indulge them for a period of time a stronghold will be built up which we cannot afford. You are fighting your way out. I pray you come into complete victory which has already been won for us at the cross.

HC it appears that Mrs has this weakness. I imagine that she was alright most of the time and then was tested and gave in. Everything now depends on her will in the sense of does she want to stop it or not? If she really does then it will be a battle, but the rewards will be great. If she doesn't then I don't see much hope as God never forces us. He will wait until she wants to be delivered from it. If she is double minded it could go on for years.

Your bit is to make the marriage as good as possible. Although she is in the wrong it is a good time for you to ask if there are ways to make a better marriage. Sometimes the husband makes the opening (not to justify it) because of a lack of understanding or love in some areas. This doesn't mean you should get all introspective it just means you look at the marriage and the way you are in it. The scripture says dwell with them with understanding. Who can understand a woman? But we have to try. What is she actually looking for that you cannot give her? If it is just the excitement of breaking the rules or forbidden fruit tastes better then there is not much you can do about it except to pray which you are doing.

Do you know what her love language is. You may love her but are you speaking the language where she will perceive it.

Just questions and seeking. We have to try something.

Raymond

[hurt and confused]

Thank you all for your support and prayers. Unfortunately she has decided that she is more interested in the short term feelings she is getting from the newer relationship. I have tried all that i can and have been walked all over for the past 8 months. I really felt that God had given me the strength to do this. As you said Raymond, i know that God has given her the signs, she just has refused to see them for what they are worth. We have been going to the enrich course with our pastor at the church and i have discovered a lot about myself and feel i am a better person for doing this. She has continued to lie to me, herself, and the pastor about what is really going on. She has said she will give up the other to give our marriage a chance only to see her leave with him 2 days later for the weekend. I have decided that i am going to divorce her, so i can put my kids and myself in a better situation and try to pick up all the pieces from the mess she has put us in. I will continue to pray for her and hope that she will one day be able to find the inner peace to feel comfortable enough with her own self so she does not keep making such bad decisions which are being satisfied with false happiness. She does realize that she is not happy with her situation right now, but does not realize that she is doing it to herself. I ask that you all could keep praying for all of us, especially the kids that they will be able to cope with the feelings that no doubt will destroy them inside.

[Raymond]

It is very sad. I am amazed at her brazeness in this. I find it incredible. You have to go on though. You will need all the strength and comfort you can get. You have shown such patience to have it all thrown in your face. I expect you will still see her because of your shared interest in the children. I really hope and pray that it works out for you and that the children do not suffer too much in this. Marriage is supposed to be for keeps but you have been betrayed. I know you will not be bitter and are able to forgive but you will be needing God's healing in all this. In a way you will be better off without her as you cannot live with an adultrous woman who is betraying you under your nose. My hope is that you will eventually meet the right person as the innocent party in all this.

God bless you.

Raymond

[hurt and confused]

Thank you for the kind words Raymond. I don't really even know what to think any more. I am so sad. I really thought that this was going to be forever. For the first 12 years, there were no signs that this would ever be a possibility. Obviously there was something lacking in the relationship for her, or we wouldn't be dealing with this. I just really wish that this could have turned out different. I just really hope that God will give me the strength and wisdom to help me and my children deal with this awful situation. I also hope that she will find peace within herself, because i truly do love her and want to see her happy. Thank you again for all of your support.

[Micou]

HC am so sorry that things have turned out this way. You and your children are always in my prayers, as well as your wife.

I think it is incredible that you have tolerated her bad attitude for so long. Words defy me right now.

Praying and thinking of you.

Mic

[hurt and confused]

I am very sorry too. It certainly is going to be a long painful road. I appreciate that we are all in your prayers. We certainly will need all the support we can get from every source. I am really speachless as well. I don't even know what to think. I called his ex W today to find out what kind of person he was (seeing he was probably going to be around my kids) of course she immediately called him. That didn't go over well with my W. Not that it really changed anything, but just really ticked her off a little more. I don't feel bad about it though. I thought it was the responsible thing to do.

[hurt and confused]

Well, yesterday when she came home from work she immediately started packing a bag for the weekend. I asked her if there was any way she would consider trying to make things work and she said no. She said that she was all ready to give him up and try to make things work, but i would never stop talking to her about trying to fix things, so she figured that she did not have to give him up. I asked if this is what she really wanted and she said yes, so i handed her the divorce papers. There was no reaction at all from her. She is so emotionally detached, that it doesn't even phase her. I told her that this is not what i wanted, but i can not keep sitting around and letting her destroy our family and hurt our kids. I told her that i would love to work things out with her, but i did this because it is what she wanted. She said believe it or not she really did try. I thought back about all the things that have occured over the last 8 months, just to realize that she never did try. She couldn't even give him up for a week when we took a trip out of the country (had to call and charge it to our cc) She left and immediately called him. I know i have done the right thing for my kids by giving her divorce papers, but it does not make me feel any better. I just wish that i could have done something to bring back the woman and mother that i have known and loved for so long now. I hate to think about what the future holds for all of us emotionally. I know in the immediate future it will be better than it has been, but long term, it is really going to suck!! Again, i would ask that you keep all of us in your prayers. Thank you all for all of the support and kind words. I will always be thankful to all of you for supporting me and my family through this miserable occurance.

[Micou]

HC, I've come back to your thread several times today trying to find the right words to say - am sorry that I have failed hopelessly in that regard.

You and your family are still in my prayers. I believe that you did the right thing in handing her the divorce papers - after all, how can you go on living like this? A decision had to be made one way or the other. It is just so very sad that it wasn't a decision to reconcile and pick up the pieces and rebuild.

I think you're an incredible guy for having tolerated her behaviour for so long. You're certainly an example to me, as I guess I would have bailed out of the marriage a long time ago.

[hurt and confused]

Now i really need help. She came home last night and i asked her when we were going to talk to the kids. She said when we figure everything out. After a long discussion, i had told her that all she ever needed to do was to give up on this guy and try to make things work with us and we could have repaired the damage. She said that she did not think that she could give him up because there is just something about him. I told her that it was just all of the escape that he provides to her and takes her away from all the reality of life. She said that she did not like the thought of it being over, but thinks that there has been too much damage done to repair our relationship. At the end of the conversation she said that she would try to make things work and she would tell him that she is going to do that. I just really have a hard time believing that she will really tell him that when she faces him. I feel that she just doesn't like the thought of the actual divorce process and was scared to commit to it, so she was buying more time. I don't know if i keep on with the divorce process, or if i really believe her that she will give it a try. She still did not seem over confident about thinking things will work, just maybe that she did not want to face the kids or any kind of reality yet. Any thoughts??

[Micou]

My thought is this - is there any reason why she actually has to FACE the guy to say that she wants to end it with him and repair her marriage? Is there no reason why she can't call him up (in your presence) and let him know that they have to end it, because she wants to commit to her family? Personally, that's how I would prefer it, because I wouldn't them to be alone talking about this. It would prove a lot to me I guess. That's just me though.

If she is committing to you, then she really has a lot of work to do - of course you already know that. It's going to be a long rocky road. I just find it so unreal that someone could put another person through so much pain - knowingly! It's too cruel!

[hurt and confused]

She will not do it in front of me. Like i stated, i am not really sure that this is what she really wants. I think she just feels like she should try it. Who knows, she might just come home today and say that she could not let him go. I do not believe that she really feels in her heart right now that she wants things to work with us. I think she is just really afraid of facing the reality of it being over. She has had the best of both worlds for the last 8 months and it is crunch time now. It shouldn't be too long before i finally have a direction to move in. I really want to believe that she will give it an honest try, but i will have to see it to believe it. Especially after some of her comments last night. It is very apparent that she is not ready to give him up yet. I just hope that maybe God will work a miracle here and tweak some wires in her head to make her really see what she is potentially losing.

[Raymond]

I think Micou is right. You cannot mess around with temptation. One more look or being alone with him and everything could be back on with him. What I am troubled about is how you are not angry. I am not talking about the wrong kind of destructive anger but a right anger. She rightly belongs to you. I sense perhaps that there is a passivity where maybe you need a bit of boldness. Just a thought.

Raymond

[hurt and confused]

You are correct about the temptation. Please don't think that i am not angry, because i really am. The only thing that gets me with her is a divorce at this point though. She is really not taking well to me demanding that she does not see him. I am a pretty passive person for the most part, but i have stood up for myself at certain points. I do realize that the next stand i take is ending the relationship, and that is something that i am just having a hard time accepting when i think that there might just be a little hope. Although, it could also be her playing on my feelings because she knows that she can. I will find out, if she really told him that she wants to work on it with me. If not, then i am just going to have to go through with the divorce and move ahead for the betterment of myself and my children. Thanks for the suggestions.

[Raymond]

You need a lot of courage HC. Somehow I get the feeling that she doesn't think you will go through with it. When you do it will concentrate her mind. A moment of truth. Maybe it will take this. I don't think it is healthy to allow her this double mindedness all this time. She is committing adultery under your very nose. That why I thought that you seemed a little bit too passive. Adultery is a terrible thing. It wrenches your guts out. Having said that I feel that the divorce is the way ahead. As some say believe for the best but be ready for the worse. Divorce is not necessarily the end of the road if by some miracle things were reversed. I have heard of divorcees re-marrying, but for the moment you have to be strong and kick her out so to speak. She doesn't have the right to you at the moment and please do not accept her back if she is not sorry. Be strong HC. He is with you.

Raymond

[hurt and confused]

We talked last night and she told me that she can not give him up. She said that she knows that she could be happy with me and make everything work, but she just can not give him up. I asked how she could choose this when she says she could love me the same and save our family. She said she feels like he is who she is supposed to be with. I am told her that i would have the papers sent to her today at work. I am really sad today, and still really confused at how she could do what she is doing. I guess i just have to deal with it and move on. Please pray for God to give me the strength.

[Raymond]

I think she is being deceived but she is going to have to find that out the hard way it appears. She obviously doesn't read the bible or she would know the seriousness of what she is doing. You have to look to the future for yourself HC and your children. I hope in time you will find someone who is faithful and who would appreciate your steadiness, but for the time being my prayers are with you. It is a terrible thing to happen especially from someone who appears to be masquerading as a christian.

This can work to your good in the long run amazingly if you let it, although it is very hard now. Doesn't the scripture say all things work together for good to those who love God to those who are the called according to His purpose? There is nothing right in what happended but God can amazingly use it for good.

God bless you

Raymond

[hurt and confused]

I believe she is really being decieved as well. You are right about the fact that she will find it out the hard way. It is just too bad that her learning experience has to come at the expense of me and our children. That is what i really have a hard time understanding and accepting. She still seems to really be in deep thought about what is going on. I don't know if she is really still wondering what she wants, or if she is just overwhelmed by the fact that it is becoming more real now. Either way, she is still with him and not willing at this point to own her mistakes.

[Micou]

Forgive me for asking this, but where are the children on her list of priorities right now? Is she being attentive to their needs or completely focussed on her own?

[hurt and confused]

Well, if you ask her she will tell you that they are high on her priority list. If you follow her actions, it shows that she really only cares about herself at this point. She does not spend any quality time with them and leaves every weekend and does not even call home to talk to them. She just suggested that i do not come this weekend with to her parents house for Easter "considering the circumstances" Keep in mind that we have not told the kids anything about what is going on yet. So, she leaves every weekend and now that it is a holiday and the kids get gifts and a wonderful weekend that she wants them to associate that with just her? It is not fair to me at all!!! But, with the kids best interest in mind: They probably could use some time with mom, grandma, grandpa, etc. I do not want to keep them from what the norm would be for them on this holiday just because i don't think it is fair to me. Although, they would have to be wondering why i am not with them.

[Micou]

I hope you don't mind that I asked such a personal question. You see, a lot can be said, I believe, regarding the stability of a woman's state of mind with how she cares for her children during a crisis. The fact that she is giving them no quality time and disappearing at the weekends, could well indicate that she is not in her right state of mind - clearly she is not in her right state of mind!!!

I can only speak from personal experience as when I was in the heat of my crisis I only gave my babies the bare minimum of my attention. It was all I could handle between episodes of imploding. My emotional stability was a complete wreck!

I must further add that her attitude towards you is unacceptable. What is the point of saying that she wants to make things work with you, but also cannot give up the other guy?

You cannot be blamed for having handed her the divorce papers. I do believe that was the correct move, because she clearly needs a reality jolt.

I do believe that you are at a point where you may need to release her to make her own decision and pray that she makes the right decision. However, if she is going to keep running to the other man and then coming back to you and keep giving you these mixed signals it is completely unacceptable. She is disrespecting you by putting you through the trauma of watching her leave knowing she is going to another man and then coming back to you and stating she wants to make things work :confused:.

I don't know if this thought had crossed your mind, but you may need to suggest that she moves out while she is sorting out her mind because of the amount of pain it is putting you through to cope with her behaviour. This will give you both space to think without you going through the rollercoaster of her coming to you and then going out to him. It is not right for you to be put through this!!! You have done nothing wrong! You are the innocent party here! She is the one with the issues that desperately need to be addressed. Therefore, the kindest thing for her to do is to allow you both the space and time to work things out.

I realise you may not like this suggestion, but being on the outside looking in, she needs to have her bags packed and moved out so she can grow up and stop acting like a spoilt princess!!! She is either married to you or she is not - CHOOSE!!

[hurt and confused]

She was playing with my feelings like that for around 8 months now. Since i handed her the divorce papers, she has kind of changed a little. I think she is trying to do things by the book (concerning the kids) so she will not dig a deeper hole when it comes to child custody. She is really fighting me trying to get them to go to her moms for Easter. I am standing strong saying that i will not let her take them from me. This is starting to become rediculous. What a ride she has signed us up for.

[Micou]

I think that in your shoes right now I would immediately flick my attention onto the kids. Immediately sit your kids down and calmly hug and kiss them and let them know that you love them no matter. If you need to cry, then don't fight the tears. Just let the tears flow if you have to.

Let them know that nothing will ever change your love for them and that you are proud of them. Really emphasise that to them, plenty of kisses and cuddles.

If you are able to have the time prior to her going to her mother's, take them out for a meal, just you and your babies. It doesn't matter where you go, McD's or Pizza Hut or just a stroll in the park with a couple of sandwiches and flask of hot chocolate - do it! The emphasis is that you get the kids on your own for a while and you let them know that you love them unconditionally and no matter what.

You and your babies need to feed off your love for each other and your strengths. If your eldest child is responsible enough, give him/her a mobile phone where you contact them and they can reach you 24/7.

Hang in there, but let those kids know that their dad adores them!

[hurt and confused]

I am still not sure what this weekend will hold. I don't know if we are going to go up to her mom's or staying at home. I really don't think i will feel comfortable all weekend at her parents, alothough they have always loved me and treated me well. They are still her parents and will ultimately side with her through all of this. I would rather just stay at home and have the discussion with the kids so they have all weekend to ask questions. I still can't believe this is happening to us. A year ago i would have bet my life that there was no way this would ever happen. I have seen some of her text messages to and from him, and they read like they are back in highschool. All they say is how much they love each other and miss each other and how sexy they are to each other. Talk about filling an insecurity. I just know that it is not going to last forever and that it is coming at all of our expense. I really wish there was something i could do to make her see that.

[Micou]

I realise that of course you know your in-laws better than me, but I think that you may well be surprised at their reaction to what their daughter has been up to. I, for one, know that my parents would never approve if I behaved in this manner. However, please leave an open mind with regard to your in-laws as they may well surprise you. They may in fact feel upset with her, after all she is the one destroying the lives of their grandkids, don't forget.

The choice of whether or not to go away this weekend is one only you two can decide on. I believe that it may not be a bad idea for you to go away for the weekend, because being among other people, different environment, different topics of conversation may be just what you need. Again, leave an open mind.

Keep focussing on your babies, especially if she is giving them the bare minimum of her attention. While you remain undecided, if the weather permits, then go for that stroll in the park or that lunch at McDs - just you and your babies. You will be instilling in them the memory of who was there for them whenever things went wrong in the family. Whenever they think of bad times, it will be the memories of daddy always being there to make everything alright that will surface - after all mummy had other priorities, but that's an aside. YOUR priority is to be the soft place to fall for your babies. Be their rock of love and compassion during these hard times and you will create a place within their little hearts that no one else can ever replace - it is in our times of pain that we know who is really there for us after all.

If I don't get a chance to catch up with you before the end of the Easter break, may I wish you and yours a blessed Easter. Keep the faith and keep putting that pain in God's hands. Remember Footprints in the Sand . . .

[hurt and confused]

We are not going up to the in-laws this weekend. She talked to her mom again, and her mom did not think it would be a good idea for me to be up there. I refused to let her take the kids without me for the weekend. She is really not happy about that decision, but i don't really care at this point. The kids are upset, but they think that i was going to be with them and do not realize that i am not welcome at grandma's. I do believe that my in-laws do not approve of what she has been doing, but as i said, she is their daughter and they will support her no matter what her decision is. They are not the most opinionated people either, so they wont tell her that what she is doing is wrong even if they think it. I guess we will see what this weekend holds. I will do everything i can to make it a great holiday for the kids.

[Micou]

How did your Easter break go?

I haven't been here much because I have been going through my own hell with my husband over the past few days - so many questions and no answers.

[hurt and confused]

I am sorry to hear about your hell. I have been saying prayers for you as well. The Easter break went fairly well except for the fact that she was texting him and calling him every chance she got. She was cordial to me and even acted like she liked me at some points. Yesterday was another bad day though. She called our daughter at the house while i was on my way home from work and told her that she had to run some errands so please tell dad i won't be home right away. Well, she returned home about 5 1/2 hours later. She did not even answer her phone when the kids called to tell her goodnight. They were upset that she told them she was running errands, and then did not come home. When she returned i told her that her actions and lack of respect for our marriage and family disgusted me. After some long conversation she acted again like she was still really confused and has not come to a decision on what she really wants yet. She also blamed this whole situation on me saying that the reason that she has not given him up is because i never gave her the chance. That is because i was continually talking to her and asking her to try to work on saving our family and asking what we could do to try and make things work. I ended up telling her that if she decides that she wants to try, to let me know otherwise i will go on living like we are going to be divorced.

I really can't believe she is justifying what she is doing by blaming me for her stepping outside of our marriage. She just will not take any accountability for her actions. I really just need to move on and try to minimize the damage that she can cause to our children. This really sucks!!!!!!!!!

[Micou]

Her behaviour is really unacceptable. This is known as mental cruelty! I must admit that in your shoes, her wee bags would be packed and placed outside the front door, locks changed - on your bike! How long are you willing to tolerate this? I know you're in pain, because I am in pain too because of what I have experienced. However, what is it within us that makes us feel we deserve to be treated like this?

I went to see a divorce lawyer this morning. It has left me feeling quite numb as it really puts it in perspective that I am about to take that step into divorce. Am petrified, but I don't know what else to do. Thankfully, the solicitor was a very sensible lady and suggested that I speak to her once I get back from my break - am going away for a few days from next week. I am just desperate to escape.

You need to really focus on your babies. Keep being the one they see when they are in pain. Keep being their soft place to fall. Keep being you!!! They need YOU! Keep doing what you're doing for THEM. By the time your life calms down and you start to experience peace and calm again, your children will remember that daddy was their rock during the storm.

[Raymond]

I see a change in you HC. Not the passive one you appeared to be at first. You are beginning to realise what is happening and bracing yourself for it. Nothing justifies what she is doing. I see a strength coming in you that is prepared for the worst if necessary. This has to be brought to an end one way or the other. Her dithering around is wasting your life. Better she was hot or cold.

Micou speaks sense.

Raymond

[hurt and confused]

Thank you both for your support. Raymond, don't let my words on this thread fool you. I am still very passive and held back when in her presence. I am finally starting to realize that i need to do what i can to take care of my children and myself. I have done all i can to try and work this out with her, and she is just not interested. The sad thing is that i can see the utter confusion in her and i really feel for what she will have to go through when reality actually sets in for her. I just wish that there were some way that she could see that now to save all of this pain that our family is currently feeling. For now i will continue to take care of my children and move forward to ending what has become a miserable relationship between us. I will always have the memories of the wonderful experiences that we shared for so long. It is true that it is better to have love and lost then to never have loved at all. I feel blessed that i was given as many wonderful years with her as i had.

[Raymond]

You can still pray for her HC. Prayer changes things. God will not force her but if she is His child He will work even if it means bringing her to the end of herself if necessary. You don't sound passive on here. That has to transfer to reality. She won't respect you if she is allowed to walk all over you, because you are afraid to lose her. you still have to be yourself under God. I read the other day that if we let go of things that love us they will come back even stronger.

Raymond

[hurt and confused]

I will always continue to pray for her. I truly do love her with all of my heart and it really pains me to see her and know that her actions right now are out of the pain and confusion that she is bearing on the inside. I will always keep the faith and i do believe that there will be something good that comes from this in the end. Sometimes i don't understand why God works the way he does, but it always seems to make sense at some point in time. It is really hard for me to have a cold shoulder attitude towards her and to move forward without her. I almost feel like i am being so deceiving to her. I understand that i am just protecting me and my children because of her actions, but i feel like i should be protecting and saving her. I also understand that i can not help someone that doesn't want help. I pray to God every day that he can perform a miracle and let her see what she is doing and to come back home physically, mentally, and spiritually. Until that day i will try to find peace within myself and keep taking care of my children.

[Raymond]

I don't believe it is God's will that this is happening. He did not initiate it. Another power is working here and we know who that is. However as I said He can work it for good if we let Him. If we want to indulge the flesh He will not stop us. He is too much of a gentleman and we are not robots.

It is difficult for you but you are showing good signs in my opinion.

Raymond

[Micou]

HC, keep praying. Just keep on praying on and keeping that faith strong! Keep saying to the Lord and re-affirming over and over that you trust him and despite everything you know he will grant you a harvest! No, it may not be what you want right now (i.e. Mrs HC coming to her senses and falling with grief into your arms) but it will be even better!!! Keep the faith!

Hug those babies of yours! Plenty of kisses and cuddles with daddy!!! Tons and tons of loving from daddy!!!! That's your mission, you hear me?

Let me tell you something that may surprise you (cos it shocked me when someone said the same thing to me), when your other half finally comes to her senses - you may find that you don't even want her after all - shocked you, didn't I? Because you can't even begin to imagine that right now. It could happen! But let me tell you this, being weak to keep her keeps giving her a passport to abuse you! Oh yes, my friend, you (and I) have been abused by our partners BIG time!! They are torturing us by withholding the very thing from us that we need from them - think of a starving prisoner who gets food withheld from him (yes am being extreme, but you get the picture). Now, do you fight for YOUR (and your babies' lives) and rights for peace, or do you keep allowing the guards to torture you?

Another scenario, what if one of your precious babies was being tortured right now, would you stand by cos you didn't want to upset the torturer or you go in Rambo-style and kick the torturer's butt??? Think about it.

In UK, Monday 31 March marks the first day of spring and the blossoms are already looking pretty on the trees, despite the weird Easter Holiday weather that we had over here (am amazed that I even noticed the flowers with all the grief in my life right now). Despite all the pain in my heart I intend to keep busy with my babies and keep thanking God for whatever plans He has for me!!! Hang in there!!! You're not alone!!! Without God I am nothing!!! Without God's blessing on anything in my life, I wouldn't want it - would you?

I am due to be going away for a few days next week to a place of prayer and worship, I would like your permission to light a candle for you and your babies while I am there - I am making it a special pilgrimage for everyone I know of (even those I have never met) who is suffering because of their spouses.

[hurt and confused]

You certainly don't need my permission to light a candle for me. However, i would like to tell you that is very sweet of you. It makes me feel so good to know that there are still people like you in the world. It just gives me so much hope. I will keep taking care of my children, please don't even think that is not a possibility. They are leaving tonight to go to the in-laws for the weekend and all of next week (spring break). My w said that she was taking some time off of work too. She said that i will probably not hear from her until at least Wednesday. She is confusing me so much. She kind of eluded to the fact that she was still really confused on what she wants. I don't know if she really is, or if she is just being deceptive. Her actions have shown no signs that she is interested in anything but herself. She made some comments last night about still considering if she might want to make this work, but just doesn't know if she can or really wants to. I don't know if she is just saying all of this stuff to buy herself time and get me to back off from what i am doing with the lawyers, or if she is truly confused and trying to figure things out. As i stated her actions show that she is with him and wants to be with him and has shown me no signs that she is interested in our family or marriage at all. The confusion that lies with me is that i have been praying to God to help save my marriage and family. Now if i continue to go forward and do what i need to do to protect me and our children (temporary custody is the next thing she will be hit with) it might just ruin any chance that i have to repair this. If i stop everything, i could just be putting myself in a situation to lose everything if she is just being deceptive. How do i manage these thoughts? I have been praying to God to guide me, but there is no clear signs on what i should do.

[Micou]

I am in a similar situation with regard to whether I hang in there or move on without him - hence this pilgrimage. It also gets me away from him and my living nightmare for a few days. I believe that a change of scenery, people and environment will do me a world of good.

I too have been to see a solicitor who gave me very good advice. However, I walked out of her office feeling numb!

In your situation, I KNOW that I KNOW that I KNOW that I would have thrown her out - come back when you've made your mind up! There is NO WAY that I would tolerate that. I KNOW that. I am not willing to be under the same roof as someone whose divided - go somewhere neutral and choose! Be divided somewhere else! Be confused somewhere else! That way, when the decision is made I know that that person will choose to be with me, because that is what THEY 100% want - or they choose to be elsewhere - either way you KNOW.

You are being too tolerant! You don't deserve this and yes, I can say that because I am also in pain and not speaking from the perspective of someone who has never been in your shoes. (Let me stop right here and send you a warm, tight (((HUG))))).

I believe that you are being too nice to her and therefore permitting her to keep wiping your nose in her mess. You need to stand up to her and say choose! OR, tell her to leave the family home while she is undecided because it is causing too much harm to the family - and right now you are not being a family! That is another side of protecting your babies. Their mother is damaging them by her selfish behaviour and she therefore needs to be treated appropriately.

With regard to God, my current prayer is based on what God wants for my marriage. I have 'fessed up to the Lord that I am very confused about what I want because I am with someone whom I do not feel has my best interests at heart and for that reason I NEED God to take over the controls and steer our ship. One minute I want to fight for my marriage, but then I am hit with the reality that my husband wanted to maintain a . . . for want of a better word . . . "sex" buddy behind my back! I do NOT deserve that, despite the fact that I am still crazy about him.

Therefore young man. Your prayer will be this: " Dear Lord, I raise to you my marriage and my relationship with my wife. Lord, you are all knowing, all seeing, all hearing and you alone know what is best for both of us right now. My wife's behaviour is tearing me apart because I still love her so much and I still believe in our vows. I love her and I want our marriage to work. I also want peace, love and happiness in our home. Lord, you can see what is going on between us. I no longer know what to do because I am so confused inside and I am in so much pain. Lord, I place my marriage into your hands. Only you know what is best for all of us and I ask that your will be done in our lives." Of course, you can substitute the words to whatever feels better to you - but you get the gist? This is what you need to bring to God - I should know, cos this is what I bring to God every time I get on my knees.

God knows you are confused, but rather than make a difficult decision on your own, let the Almighty deal with it - he loves you and he loves your wife too (and whether we like it or not, he also loves the idiots that they have been cheating on us with - hard to accept, but fact of life). The best thing to do is to give it all up to Him and let Him sort it - sow a seed and wait for the Lord to grant you a Harvest.

[hurt and confused]

Micou,

I will use you suggestion for prayer. I really like how it is worded and the meaning behind what you are asking for.

I would just like you to know that i have asked my w to leave until this is all figured out. Unfortunately, the house is as much hers as mine and i can not force her out. She knows that if she leaves that it is abandonment to the kids (legally) and she would have a good chance of losing them in a custody battle. She had asked me to leave in the past, and i refused for the same reasons along with telling her that she is the one who is making the decision to break the family not me and if she wants time apart she should be the one inconvienienced. Not to mention i am the only consistent thing in our kids lives right now.

I have tried to put all of this into Gods hands and to let him take care of it. I truly believe that both you and i will become better people out of this in the long run. I have prayed to God for some sort of resolution and just for some inner peace for all of us. The problem is that i am still so confused. I don't know whether i should still be there doing everything to support our marriage, or continuing down the road legally to end it.

I would give anything to try and salvage what is left and work on rebuilding a new relationship with my w. I just feel that if i continue to do things legally i will lose any opportunity for that to happen, but if she is just playing me right now that i will lose any opportunity i have to keep my children with me. I really wish i could receive some clear sign that would tell me what i am supposed to do. I guess i could take the sign that she is not leaving him as one i am supposed to follow, but what about her seeming to be so confused when talking to me?? Could it really just be all deception?

[Micou]

Let me share with you a piece of advice that the solicitor told me - I think you're in the States?? So I am not sure if this may apply to your laws. In UK law you can cite Behaviour as a reason for the divorce and within that context you can list all the things that your spouse has done which makes it impossible for you to live with them e.g. adultery and any other things that you find impossible to live with. Therefore, whether she lives the house or not, you still have something you can use as the reason for ending the marriage - abandonment is only one of the many.

Also remember that you are limited to the amount of time you can use to file for divorce from the time of the discovery of the affair - nine months, I think she said?

I really believe that your wife has you sussed and as long as you keep tolerating her EVIL behaviour, she has a clean licence to live a double life - with YOUR permission. She knows that what she is doing is cruel and she will keep doing it as long as she is allowed to do so. How about a shock to HER system?

Let me tell you what I did when I first found out about my H and his FIEND - when the fighting had got too much for me to bear and I was dreading coming home to him, I took a Friday off work, collected my kids from school and disappeared for the weekend without a word to him (stayed with some friends who supported me).

I contacted the local police station to alert them to what was going on and gave them details of where to reach me - just in case he rang them in worry. I then switched off my mobile for the remainder of the weekend.

During that time I did LOADS of crying surrounded by people who loved me and my kids had a great time among their friends and being spoilt. When I got back my H was wreck! He looked at me bloodshot eyes (clearly panicking that I had left him) and what I threw in his face was this "at least now you know how it feels when you love someone and they treat you like you really don't exist, don't you?" Yes, my behaviour was cruel to HIM. Yes, I put him through hell. Yes, I made him feel small. Yes, I cost him sleepless nights, but I got my point across!

[hurt and confused]

You are correct about me being in the U.S. I hear what you are saying about the divorce, however in the state that i live it is a no fault divorce state. What that means is everything that she has done really has no bearing on our divorce as the law sees it. It will be filed as irreckonsiable differences.(sp) What she is doing will affect her in a custody battle. Anything that she does that affects the kids or exposes them to a bad situation will be able to be used against her. All the times that she is leaving the house for the weekends and leaving them to my care will help me as well, because it shows that i have been the primary care provider for them and that she is self sufficient and has a place to go outside of the house. All the family money that she is spending on him does not look good for her, all the times that she calls him while they are with her, etc. You see she can really do whatever she wants with him as long as it is not being exposed to the kids at this point. She did take the kids up to her parents yesterday and they will be there all week. I really have no idea where she will be, or when she is coming home. I will call my children every day, and i can't wait until next Friday when i get to go and pick them up. This is going to be a very lonely week for me. There will be no one (including the dog) at the house. I really was hoping that she would use some of this time away to clear her head without any distractions and talk with her family about the situation. Unfortunately looking at her phone records i noticed that she was talking to him on the phone for about 1 1/2 hours while on her 3 hour drive up to her parents yesterday. This when the kids are right in the back seat. That really would have been a great time for her to do some bonding and talk with the kids, but i guess that is not where her priorities are at this point. As i have said before, there really is nothing more that i can say or do at this point. I will continue to move along with our divorce and try to get myself set up the best i can for getting custody of our children. I hate that i have to do this, but she has given me no choice and i have to do what is in the best interest of our children right now and take them out of this situation that she has put all of us in. I would love to do some of the things that you have suggested, but i really need to watch what i say and do at all times right now, as i am sure she is keeping a detailed log on me as well. You never know, maybe when all this reality hits her she just might wake up. Then again, it might just push her closer to him. I will do what i have to do and leave it in Gods hands to take care of the rest.

[Micou]

I hope you're keeping copies of those phone records - of course you are. I find it unreal that she is behaving in this manner and rubbing your nose in it. That is extreme mental cruelty.

Do you have family or close friends that you could hang out with during this week in order to curb the loneliness? It would do you good to distract youself and be in a different environment with different people - that's what am craving like crazy. Maybe you could spend a couple of nights away just being among other people and having conversations other than what your wife is doing - I know that will be very hard to do because she is on your mind 24/7, but it will help you somewhat.

I lit a candle for you and your babies in church today and I prayed for everyone everywhere who is suffering because of selfish spouses. I think I have found my mission in life - be a walking prayer for broken hearted people - after all I know first hand what that feels like.

God is great. Keep the faith. Hang in there - easier said than done, I know.

[hurt and confused]

Micou you truly are a wonderful person! Thank you so much for keeping us in your prayers and for lighting the candle. I truly believe that all of the kindness and faith that you have will pull you through your tough times and bring you the happiness that you are so deserving of and desiring. I would ask that you also keep my w in your prayers as well. I know that she is hurting and confused inside and i pray for her every day that she will find some peace within herself so she will be able to become the wonderful person that i have always known her to be until this whole fiasco started. Whether it be with me or someone else, i just don't believe she will ever be truly happy until she realizes that she has many issues about herself that need to be repaired.

Of course i am keeping all of the records. I also keep a daily journal with all of the things that are being said and done. I do have some friends that i have spent some time with this weekend which has been very nice. Unfortunately my family is not close to where i currently live, so i spend a lot of time talking to them on the phone instead of being able to be with them. I wish that i could do some things that keep my mind off of the situation, but everything i do these days just reminds me of everything that i had and am about to lose. I try to think of how things will be and how i can become a better father and have a closer relationship with my children. Right now my thoughts keep getting pulled to all of the negative things and the pain that i feel for what is going on with my relationship. I think that until it is actually over i will have a hard time thinking of anything else. Once she is actually gone i believe that i will be able to start the healing process. It is just too hard right now when i have to see her every day knowing that i can not show her the love that i feel for her inside or receive anything but disrespect on her side. It is hard to explain exactly how i feel. I either want to hug her and tell her i love her, or i want to hate her and try to hurt her back. At the end of the day, the true feelings i have for her is love for what we once shared and what i feel would not be impossible to recover.

God is great! I will keep the faith and keep plugging on and try to take it one day at a time. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as well.

[Micou]

Just popping in quickly to say that I am off now for a few days break - oh yeah! Hang in there young trooper! Be thinking of you and praying for you and your babies.

Hugs

Mic

[hurt and confused]

Hey Micou,

I hope you had a fun break. I also hope you found a little peace within yourself.

I however have had a really messed up last week. I told you that she took the kids to her mom's for spring break. Well, she took some time off of work as well. Instead of spending any of it with the kids, she took a romantic vacation with her boyfriend for a week.

I decided to pick the kids up a few days early and spend some time with them on their break so i took them to a waterpark and spend the night. The night that we were gone, she had him spend the night at our house. I am just totally disgusted with her lack of respect for anything or anyone at this point. I was stupid enough to really believe that she was going to take some of that time off and do a little self reflection and spend it with family.

She has made it clear to me what her intentions are and what she wants. I guess i can just keep taking care of my children and myself and stop trying to help her any more. I hope that one day the lord will touch her heart and open her eyes to all this disaster she has created and she will be able to learn a valuable life lesson from this. It is sooooo sad and my heart just aches for what is going to come for all of us.

[Micou]

Hi HC

Indeed I had a lovely break, thank you. Loads of peace and tranquility and prayers. There was one day that I took a walk on my own and I found a quiet bench and sat down. I allowed myself to absorb the peace all around me and before I realised what was happening I completely broke down and cried till it felt like I had run out of tears. I prayed to God for what I want in my life, my deepest desires and after my inconsolable weeping, I felt so much better, as if I had been heard by the Almighty. I know that there is a long and painful road ahead before that new day dawns, but I am determined to go all the way until I get there.

The whole time I was away I just enjoyed how happy and at peace I felt. Of course all that changed as soon as I got back. Hubby and I have started fighting again and I keep wondering if it is all my fault - I still have so many questions and he is at the point where he doesn't want to talk about things anymore and keeps saying we should call it a day. I am inclined to agree with him - as much as I still love him desperately and still want my marriage.

I am absolutey horrified at what your wife did! You don't get anymore disrespectful than taking a third person into your family home! I am very sorry HC, but I think you already have the answer to your question and I know that it is not what you wanted, because you still love her and still want things to work out, but you have to cut the cord. You have to release her from your life and set her free. What she has done is beyond words and beyond disgusting. I think that this is clearly stating to you where her priorities are - and it is not towards you and the kids.

It is going to be a tough road ahead, but you are going to get through this. May I recommend a wonderful website (well I think it's wonderful) that may help you with the grieving process and the emotions you can expect to go through while you are re-patching your life http://home.att.net/~velvet-hammer/grief.html . I am often on there with tears in my eyes and a mug of tea in my hand, just coming to terms with everything.

Keep posting and stay strong. You can find my email in my profile if you want to add me to your msn for a chat sometime.

One day at a time, that's all we can take. Just one day at a time. We will get to the end of the road and look back and realise that we are stronger for the experience. We will also realise that we deserved better than what we were offered and maybe one day, by the grace of God, someone new, an angel on earth, will walk into our lives and show us what love is really all about. Good luck to us both. Please let me know how you are getting on - good days and bad.

(((HUGS))))

[hurt and confused]

I am glad that your time away went well. Your situation sounds similar to mine, at least how you are being treated. It is such a hurtful thing to look at the person who you love and has loved you so deeply and realize that there is nothing there any more. It is almost like looking at a person that you don't even know.

I keep hearing from family and friends that things will get better eventually. I really wish that time would come sooner than later. It is so hard to keep going home and trying to act like i don't love her or want to be with her. Even after all that she has done, the true love for everything that was.. keeps alive in my heart. I am just still so much in denial over all of this happening. I feel like it has all been a bad dream and one of these days i will wake up and this nightmare will all be over.

Thanks for all of your support and prayer. Talk to you soon.

[Micou]

Did you ask her why she disrespected your family home by taking him there? How low can someone go to do that?

Indeed your situation is similar to mine and it is very painful. I guess I am wondering if his love for me was ever deep enough that he was able to easily cheat on me twice. I still don't know what am doing anymore as he keeps saying he wants things to work, but has offered me nothing to back up his words. It's so hard.

How are your babies coping?

[hurt and confused]

I didn't really ask her, i just told her i can't believe she did that. She still has not returned the divorce papers that i have given to her. I don't know if it is because she is confused, or if she is just trying to buy some more time to not be put out by the whole "divorce". She has told me recently that she is still trying to figure things out and that is why she has not made any decisions. Unfortunately the only thing she has consistently done is continue her relationship with him and give nothing at all to our family. It sure seems like she is just trying to keep her cake and eat it too for as long as she possibly can. I don't honestly feel like she has any desires to fix our issues.

The kids seem to be fine. They still have not been told what is going on, and i don't think it is a good idea to do that until i have all the answers of what is going to happen.

[Micou]

Hi HC, sorry I haven't been on here much. Unfortunately, I have been going through somewhat of a personal hell recently - had a minor car accident on Monday and I completely imploded after that - my doctor signed me off work for a week to get me to rest and try to pull myself together.

Today I am bedridden with a sore throat and headache and feeling weak and feverish. I think am running on empty at the moment and my body is rebelling from lack of care.

Enough of my whingeing and tales of woe! What's happening in your world? How are you and Mrs HC? How are your babies?

[Raymond]

Make sure you get that rest Micou. You need a strong body to get through what you are going through. It is all part of it, getting physically strong I mean. Sorry to hear about the accident. I nearly died three years ago in mine. On a push bike, no helmet, bus goes right into me. Smashed to bits, bones, skull, collapsed lung, hearing went in one ear. Miracle recovery, church praying. There was a word in a meeting about me and my head. The shook up feeling was instantly healed following that word of knowledge and prayer, but theres natural healing from God as well for us all, therefore take your rest and let His healing in.

Raymond

[Micou]

Wow Raymond, what a horrible accident you had! I am thankful that you got through it though and have come out in one piece. You have been a huge blessing to me and I also know to so many people on this site. I thank God you survived what happened to you.

I must admit that I am finding it hard to rest and take a time out from life. I am normally buzzing around at 100mph trying to stop the world from crashing and it is hard to stand still and allow everything to look after itself.

I am feeling much better and I hope that this is a good sign of things to come. The pain is now more of a dull ache and the flashbacks don't wind me as much as they used to. I feel much stronger within myself, though I know I am still walking an uncertain road. As always one day at a time.

I just pray that HC is coping with life too.

[Raymond]

Glad to hear you are picking up Micou. I suppose it is a rest not being at work and doing what you want to do although sometimes we have to let go and let God.

Raymond

[Micou]

HC, you're very quiet. Are you ok?