I don't understand my husband and he doesn't get me

[sonica]

Hello everybody

I have beeen lurking here for the last 18 months believe it or not. Things between husband and I are not good - then they sort of are, then things are bad, then we muddle along, and then there is a BIG blow up, then ok for a while, then one of us gets angry, then we make up, and so it goes on and on and on......
And quite frankly I'm fed up to the back teeth.

My story is quite a long one -no cheating (I HOPE) but more neglect and such....I just don't understand WHY when my H KNOWS what makes me unhappy, and also knows damn well what he could do to make things better(because I have TOLD him, he just won't make the effort? But as soon as I have my mind TOTALLY made up that this is IT, splitsville, spent a fortnight not speaking, seen him whistle arounfd the house when he knows I have been sobbing upstairs, told him I want a divorce, he says ok don't care, I go and sob some more, he comes to me and tells me he loves me, then I have second thoughts .......

This has happened too many times to mention -no I do not thrive on the drama-I am in bits, I can't speak my mind at home if I am miserable because H gets p***ed off and then it stars all over, nothing ever ever changes,I suppose I'll have to tell it all to yous bit by bit!Something im me has died -we are at the point yet again when he is making what he feels is *effort*, but it leaves me cold. Don't really know what I expect to hear from you all really, but what the hell, I thought I'd just try and start to put down how I feel.

[val100]

I really feel for you. Not sure what advice to give. I can identify with how you are feeling and it hurts.
Do you have children?

It sounds like you two have a power struggle going on and then empty threats of leaving to make it change. You need to find a new root to fixing what is going on and you need to start making yourself happy. In counselling I realised (admittedly it was too late) that he wasn't responsible for my happiness and yes his actions did hurt me and part of me died or got lost, I no longer recognised myself. his actions made me unhappy and I focused on them instead of letting them be his problems and for me to stop enabling his behaviour towards me. If I hadn't demanded his attention so much he wouldn't have ignored me. If i had changed my tactics and occupied myself he would have come looking for me.
His verbally abusive behavour towards me was enabled by the fact that I would fall apart instead of telling him I would not listen and by walking away from him. He felt empowered by taking my strength from me. He was always winning, he didn't need to change. I was losing and didn't see the reason for me to change because I hadn't done anything wrong. I loved him, he should love and respect me. Respect is earned. I will be a much better partner next time around if I ever meet someone.
Maybe my words will help I don't know. You are in a dark place and you are losing your self worth.
Be strong

[longestday]

Hi sonica,

I want to share something with you that took me a long time to discover. We've been separated 7 months now, and I'm sure that if I had understood this idea a few years ago we would still be together. The idea is not mine - I read about it through lurking here.

My explanation will be clunky, but here goes...

You have an in-built list of things your partner can do for you that makes you feel loved. Lets stay simple and imagine you have 3 things. The number 1 thing is the most powerful, and when he does this (whatever it might be) you feel very loved. The number 3 thing is much less powerful.

Your husband will also have a list (lets stick with 3 things). The key thing is this: Your lists will be different. What makes him feel the most love from you won't be the same as what makes you feel the most love from him. Because we don't 'get' this we do the wrong thing. We use our own list to guide us on how to love our partner. Worse still, when our partner tries to tell us that we're ignoring their no 1 item, what do we do? We check against our own list and fail to take it on board cos it's the last thing on our list!! In other words, we don't hear our partner - just when we need to hear them the most.

So in my case I was putting all my energy into my number 1 thing, which was in last position on my wife's list. She was doing something similar in return. Many times she tried to tell me what her number 1 thing is. I never took it on board properly because it was so far down my own list. Net result - lots of effort going in from both sides, but not much love generated.

This doesn't matter when you first fall in love, cos its all magic chemicals, and it looks after itself. As time goes on, and the chemicals fade away it starts to matter a lot.

The fix is simple. Find out what each others lists are, and just do your partners number 1 thing more often. It will feel odd at first, cos its not the same as your number 1 thing.

I worked out (too late) what my wife's number 1 item is without even having to ask her once I got this idea clear in my head. I just had to think back to when she had become very upset by things I didn't do. By reversing this I knew what I should have been doing to make her feel more loved.

I can't believe I just posted this. It has been such a hard lesson for me. It looks so simple when written down. Well, that's my confession over. I truly hope it helps you, and if not then maybe it could help someone else.

best wishes,

LD

[sonica]

Bit of background…..
We have been married 10 years, 20 together, three children, 19, 17 and 11.
H works long hours, all evenings from 3.30pm till 12.30, with one day off a week, for not a great deal of money. We are constantly struggling financially –I did work up to just over a year ago, and things were not so bad, but I’ll explain.

Approx 18 months ago H decided he was going to leave his job(although he says he was let go) and open up a business(restaurant) MILES away from where we are living, about 2hrs drive away. This was all done without discussion with me –deal was signed and sorted without my knowledge. I went BALLISTIC. I felt much betrayed. I was not happy. This decision impacted a great deal on everyone’s life –not only were we not spending any time together at all anyway, this meant he would be never home, basically. I was upset, but decided I would *support *him so I said I wanted to be involved in the business, 50/50.NO. He did not want me to be involved at all –his thing only. Doing this for the family, make our lives better, blah blah. He then gave in so to speak and begged me to do paperwork, tax forms –all the stuff he was not able to do himself.

I did do it, I admit grudgingly. But I did it. Business folded (as I knew it would from the get go although I tried to be encouraging) and one depressed husband. I had no job, I was requested to leave it by H so I could house hunt and devote more time to his admin – he had insisted to me all was going well and we would be relocating. I don’t know why I did it really –maybe I was calling his bluff to see whether he would really approve of me giving up my job, though I was VERY doubtful. He has managed to get his old job back; I and I have not been able to find work. Things have gone tits up since.

I find myself thinking about all the things, big and small, hat I have overlooked through the years, shut up about, let go of, (I thought) and am increasingly unhappy with the total lack of respect and consideration coming my way. He insists all our problems are money related- all of them. I disagree –yes we have money worries but that is not the be all and end all. He is verbally nasty when arguing, which is sometimes preferable to the total and utter silence and refusal to discuss things, I’m not sure. He has let me down very badly in the past, and I had to let it go, but his whole demeanour towards me shows he doesn’t care about my feelings or thoughts at all.

I must admit I HAVE brought up past issues with him when we are trying to *sort things out* but only so he can understand WHY I feel the way I do NOW. He doesn’t want to know –that was ten years ago, he says. Yes but it made me feel sad/unloved/neglected/insignificant/- all these things have slowly chipped away at the love.
This sounds a bit disjointed, but I will elaborate more in another post –if I make this one too long, no-one will read it!

[val100]

How are you doing????

[Raymond]

Sorry to interrupt. Longest Day that was brilliant what you wrote. There is so much truth in it. Dr. Gary Chapman in his book "The Five Languages of Love" is saying the same thing in a different way, but you said it in your way and it makes a lot of sense. How much we need to listen to our spouses in the same way that we want them to listen to us. This is love in action. I do hope you get another chance.

Rayond

[Raymond]

Sonica it sounds as if all your husband can see is the money and supporting his family. This is a good thing on the surface but there are some things more important. Money should be a servant not a master. Once it becomes that we are in trouble. Time goes by and we are losing out in the important things in life. If you can get it accross to him that it's not worth what you are both losing in family things you will be getting someewhere. To have a woman behing you is a great thing in business, it will stop you going over the top and make you relax and rest when you need to. I,m glad he got his job back and so long as you can both manage he should try and gain contentment. Trying too hard in some instances only makes it worse.

Raymond

[cw68]

I sound like a broken record, but I recommend a couple of different books. First is Divorce Busters and/or The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis. I wish I would have run out and gotten these books the first time I saw them on this forum, but I didn't. Big mistake. Another good one, but I think you both have to be in the same frame of mind, is Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil.

[Saddened]

Thank you longestday, I never ever realised this either. My list would I imagine be quiet different than my husbands, how amazing. I am in the middle of a marriage crisis at the moment and my husband is really trying to mend the damage he did. Thank you so much for making me realise this and I am sorry it was too late for you but I hope you can maybe mend things again or move on and meet someone who you can be in love with again.

[Saddened]

Sonica, I am sorry things have turned out the way they have. My husband and I go the same way, great for three weeks then an argument and things from the past I always bring up and then regret and then great again for another few weeks. My friends tell me its normal but am just sick of the energy it wastes. I have learned not to bring up the past as much but then again he has given me a lot to bring up this month. I am trying in different ways to make things better, I hope you can work things out to.

[sonica]

Well thanks all for your comments.Any time I try to talk to husband about anything personal, or to do with our relationship, he rolls his eyes and refuses to talk. I am getting SO frustrated I want to smash his face in:(

I have asked him time and time and time again what I can do so he can be happier, and he says*nothing* I have told hime time and time again ad nauseum what *I* need from him and it is totally ignored.All he wants to do is go to work, sleep, and go to work, and sleep. I,m not sure I can hack it for much longer.