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nessiew
1st February 2008, 01:01 PM
ebPhSk Thanks a lot for the article post.Really looking forward to read more. Cool.

Raymond
1st February 2008, 06:49 PM
This is sad Nessiew. What he is doing is one of the fruits of watching porn. Many still do not understand the power behind it, nor the addictiveness of it. I've alway said on here that porn is a robber of intimacy. It sets the sexual affections on other women's bodies outside of marriage, where you can choose the women, type of sex you want to watch and you can sexually enter into it. It is fantasy and there is no relationship to worry about. No effort, but it is a killer of the pure relationship there should be in marriage. I always see it as mental adultery.

Your husband is obviously drifting back into it and probably suffering from addiction. The sexual urge wasn't meant to be expressed like this. It sounds like he cannot help himself because he has allowed it to go to far.

There should be help around for this situation, but I only see it in churches or christian based organisations. A lot of men don't even admit that it is a problem and like to leave the door open just in case. The only way he can get free is wanting to with all his heart. I know addresses where he can get help, but they will be christian based with people who see the spiritual dimension behind the practice. I can let you know the numbers or e mails if you want.

Raymond

1aokgal
2nd February 2008, 06:44 AM
The women are this forum understand very well what you are having to see in your marriage. this is indeed a sexual addiction just like drugs. There are groups for sex addictions based on a 12 step program like alcoholics anonymous. You can call and find out about this but he has to want to change.
Personally, my take on it is that you have little chance of having a normal marriage now or future. This kind of thing is powerful and difficult to change. You don't hold the key...he does.

I would NOT put up his actions while I lie in the bed and he thinks I am asleep. I f I were you I would make such a stink about that nasty situation he would go into the bathroom or do it somewhere else. That is so disrespectful of you and slimy. Why should you have to wash after him? Don't put up with that if you have to move him into another bedroom, do it. So sorry for your situation. Hint...Have NO more children. You proably do not work and are dependent on this man?
That puts you in a NO win power mode. Talk to your clergy and see what they suggest.

Alice Alice
2nd February 2008, 07:54 AM
it's so gross and the low of the low, i know how you feel its like you don't feel safe in your own home. Safe from walking in on some awkward time, i don't know who is most embarassed him or me...the whole thing is sick...i hate to say this but if it was once in awhile like 2wice in a year of catching him in the act i could handle it...but i know all the signs the early morning porn date or the afternoon HJ if i'm out i can tell thats when the blinds are down. I need a rest from this whole thing i have nothing left in me.

Raymond
2nd February 2008, 12:22 PM
I read something today in Proverbs 5 and thought of this thread. I substituted immoral woman for porn in my head and I think it fits as well.

Drink water from your own well. Share your love only with your wife. Why spill the water of your springs in public, having sex with just anyone? You should reserve it for yourselves. Don't share it with strangers.

Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving doe, a graceful deer. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated with her love. Why be captivated, my son, with an immoral woman, or embrace the breasts of an adulterous woman?

For the Lord sees clearly what a man does, examining every path he takes. An evil man is held captive by his own sins; they are ropes that catch and hold him. He will die through lack of self control. He will be lost because of his incredible folly.

Jesus said that if a man looks on a woman to lust after her he has already committed adultery with her in his heart. I think that is incredibly relevant to what is happening in these days. How many times does adultery take place in front of screens? I just hope and pray that some of these men see what is gong on.

Raymond

nessiew
2nd February 2008, 10:53 PM
Hi
Thanks for your replies, I just want to comment on the post made regarding my situation on the possiblity of me being dependant on my husband, I actually run two business's from home, both of which I started from scratch, and one which does a good turnover, I have always worked as an accountant,and have really been the main breadwinner , but went into the business I am now in to be able to juggle the family and the work commitments.. believe me I work very hard, whenever I get the opportunity, this could be the problem too.. but I kind of gave up back in 2005 as far as my marriage was concerned and threw myself into my business's , I am here for the kids, and have a child carer that comes to my house to help me, when I am busy in the office each week, I am very ambitious, I am very outgoing, maybe I am too much for my husband in some ways, he is very quiet, doesn't have an opinion, just follows the paths I make. I guess what I wanted to find out from this forum was others views on this type of sex act he does being a normal, only apparently according to him it is, but I can't understand then why it disgusts me and makes me feel second best to his wrist. I think i do still have feelings for this man, but they are so lost in the mess my marriage has become. I find it impossible to converse with him, when I do, he see's it that I am having a go, but I get so frustrated with his lack of communication and his lack of empathy to what I think is not a normal sexual partnership.. I am at this stage of my life now trapped, in a loveless, unaffectionate, un communitive marriage, but cannot see any light at the end of any tunnel, other than continuing to have a life within a life .. I have a couple of horses that are my salvation and my time away from it all, I wish my husband had a hobby. or a friend.. he has no family to speak of really, he hates his job, but won't look for another.. I guess I do have the option of splitting up, but the children love their dad and they are still very young.. What is the alternative.. Raymond could you please provide the therapy contacts .. maybe he can be cured, Or do you think this is a loss cause, Not being a man I don't understand the way his brain works with regards to visual stimulation/fantasy and being with a real life woman.. What concerns me also is the way he acts in the bedroom department, It's like he is thinking of something else, I never get the feeling that this man is making love to me..And that lack of emotion has totally damaged me now.. very hurtful.
Thanks
Vanessa

Raymond
3rd February 2008, 12:00 AM
Sounds like he had childhood problems to me Nessiew, maybe even suffering with a rejection problem from a family situation. I don't know. Porn and solo MB are not the answer and will only isolate him further into a fantasy world.

The numbers are:

Scotland: 01466 799102 e mail: info.scotland@ellelministries.org
Lancaster: 01524 751651 e mail: info.grange@ellelministries.org
E Sussex: 01323 440440 e mail: info.glyndley@ellelministries.org
Farnham: 01252 794060 e mail: info.pierrepont@ellelministries.org

Although they can all deal with it, the Farnham one is probably the best for it.

Really though it's the type of problem that you do not get free from unless you really want to. If he has not got the desire it will not work. If he has got the desire and even desperation to be free he can be. It won't work if you send him there. It has to be him that wants it.

Sorry about these reservations. I think initially he would have to see it as not right, that he is depriving you and himself, with these fantasies of other women. If he can get to that place he can move on and get healing. How bad does he want it? probably the counseling would throw up a lot of other things that he would need healing from.

Yes men are different from women in this. Women have got their feet more firmly on the ground in reality with these things. Men are more prone to deception in this area. The reality is that the best intimacy takes place in marriages where the couple are sexually faithful to each other. As a man this means I keep a watch over my sexual affections that they are only for my wife, not other women whether real or on video etc. like in the scripture I mentioned.

Raymond