ygirl
29th January 2008, 11:34 PM
This is my first post on this forum and I've spent much of my afternoon reading previous threads and posts regarding women who have been struggling with their significant other who just won't quit using porn despite our begging, pleading, tears, etc. I have found that at least for myself, it really helps to hear other stories of women in similar situtations. Alas, I do not have a solution, but here is my story.
I am Catholic (although not very church-going) and my DH is not Christian and I think he would almost consider himself to be an atheist (disappointing to me, but I do not preach to him and just expect him to live a good life with good morals.) I met DH in 1999 and about 1.5 years later, shortly after we moved in together, I discovered that he used internet porn. He gave me the excuses and "it's no big deal" and promised never to look at it again. Then the lies and sneaking began and the cycle still continues to this day -- we have been married since 2003 and have a beautiful 2-yr old daughter.
We went to counseling before we got married because I wanted to solve this one major issue before making a lifetime commitment. It seemed like things were getting better, but then I saw the deleted files and the lying and sneaking persisted. Through counseling, I discovered that the main reasons I have a problem with using porn are because 1) I was sexually molested as a young teenager with porn put in front of me as the example of what the guy wanted me to do, and 2) my upbringing in that porn is just not acceptable between two people who love each other.
The counseling did not end up working and I believe my DH was turned off (just going to show he did have some kind of commitment to quitting) because the counselor was obviously Christian and resorted to the bible at times. Well, that's an immediate no-no for my DH.
My DH's reasons for using porn range from: 1) it's a hard habit to break, 2) I'm the one with the problem, not him, so what's the big deal...every guy does it, 3) he feels sexually insecure and in the "porn" environment he feels accepted, 4) I don't give him enough and constantly turn him on, so as a sexually active guy, he needs release somewhere.
I've heard all the promises and nothing has changed over the past 9 years....the cycle continues to repeat itself no matter how understanding I try to be. (I have offered to look at it with him and he doesn't want to...I have told him that if he was just HONEST with me and did NOT lie, that I wouldn't be upset, and I really wouldn't be upset...it truly comes down to being honest and not having this secret world of his) Now, I have tried to have sex more frequently to see if that would make a difference, but of course it didn't. I always ask him what he would like me to do to make him happy sexually and he always says that I am perfect, just beautiful, and not to change anything.
His secrecy, lying, and use of internet porn certainly affects how I feel toward him in an intimate sense. Does he have other secrets, another personality, etc. that I don't know about? Will his internet porn use escalate to something more than that? I do try to push my frustrations aside and be very affectionate to him and I do try to have sex with him at least once per week (very difficult to do with having a toddler and busy jobs...but keep in mind that he will look at porn the very next day after sex and has looked at it even when our sex lives were much much more active.) But, many times I just don't even want to have sex because I know the images that are popping up in his head and who knows if he is enjoying himself with ME or if it is those millions of images he has stored in his memory.
I have been at wit's end for years now, but really would never want to consider divorce due to having a child and wanting to have another one someday soon, too. And DH and I have so many things in common that we enjoy together and we very rarely argue -- his use of internet porn has really been the ONLY thing that we have argued about since we've been together.
I am just sad that this has to be this way. On a certain level, I have just accepted it and just pray that I can deal with this the best I can while continuing to be a good wife, good mother, good person -- in other words, I will NOT let his demeaning behaviors/activities bring me down and cause me to be less of a good person. I just sometimes feel so sad thinking that maybe, somewhere, there is a man with a good enough heart that wouldn't continue to hurt me in this way... and perhaps we'd also have many things in common. Maybe I just "settled" too quickly. Some things we'll never know in this life.
Thanks for reading.
I am Catholic (although not very church-going) and my DH is not Christian and I think he would almost consider himself to be an atheist (disappointing to me, but I do not preach to him and just expect him to live a good life with good morals.) I met DH in 1999 and about 1.5 years later, shortly after we moved in together, I discovered that he used internet porn. He gave me the excuses and "it's no big deal" and promised never to look at it again. Then the lies and sneaking began and the cycle still continues to this day -- we have been married since 2003 and have a beautiful 2-yr old daughter.
We went to counseling before we got married because I wanted to solve this one major issue before making a lifetime commitment. It seemed like things were getting better, but then I saw the deleted files and the lying and sneaking persisted. Through counseling, I discovered that the main reasons I have a problem with using porn are because 1) I was sexually molested as a young teenager with porn put in front of me as the example of what the guy wanted me to do, and 2) my upbringing in that porn is just not acceptable between two people who love each other.
The counseling did not end up working and I believe my DH was turned off (just going to show he did have some kind of commitment to quitting) because the counselor was obviously Christian and resorted to the bible at times. Well, that's an immediate no-no for my DH.
My DH's reasons for using porn range from: 1) it's a hard habit to break, 2) I'm the one with the problem, not him, so what's the big deal...every guy does it, 3) he feels sexually insecure and in the "porn" environment he feels accepted, 4) I don't give him enough and constantly turn him on, so as a sexually active guy, he needs release somewhere.
I've heard all the promises and nothing has changed over the past 9 years....the cycle continues to repeat itself no matter how understanding I try to be. (I have offered to look at it with him and he doesn't want to...I have told him that if he was just HONEST with me and did NOT lie, that I wouldn't be upset, and I really wouldn't be upset...it truly comes down to being honest and not having this secret world of his) Now, I have tried to have sex more frequently to see if that would make a difference, but of course it didn't. I always ask him what he would like me to do to make him happy sexually and he always says that I am perfect, just beautiful, and not to change anything.
His secrecy, lying, and use of internet porn certainly affects how I feel toward him in an intimate sense. Does he have other secrets, another personality, etc. that I don't know about? Will his internet porn use escalate to something more than that? I do try to push my frustrations aside and be very affectionate to him and I do try to have sex with him at least once per week (very difficult to do with having a toddler and busy jobs...but keep in mind that he will look at porn the very next day after sex and has looked at it even when our sex lives were much much more active.) But, many times I just don't even want to have sex because I know the images that are popping up in his head and who knows if he is enjoying himself with ME or if it is those millions of images he has stored in his memory.
I have been at wit's end for years now, but really would never want to consider divorce due to having a child and wanting to have another one someday soon, too. And DH and I have so many things in common that we enjoy together and we very rarely argue -- his use of internet porn has really been the ONLY thing that we have argued about since we've been together.
I am just sad that this has to be this way. On a certain level, I have just accepted it and just pray that I can deal with this the best I can while continuing to be a good wife, good mother, good person -- in other words, I will NOT let his demeaning behaviors/activities bring me down and cause me to be less of a good person. I just sometimes feel so sad thinking that maybe, somewhere, there is a man with a good enough heart that wouldn't continue to hurt me in this way... and perhaps we'd also have many things in common. Maybe I just "settled" too quickly. Some things we'll never know in this life.
Thanks for reading.