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JazzyJoe
11th January 2008, 04:03 PM
Hi All,

Could you advise me on how I summon up the courage to talk my wife of 18yrs about how we sort out our relationship that has ground to a halt over many years but neither want to walk away from the kids. As you may guess a lack of communication was a major issue for both of us!!!

We are distroying our family, leading seperate lives, with the kids who are 12,14,16 caught between us. We have done the counselling etc but for whatever reason she is not interested and leads her own life in which she includes the children -but excludes me.

Dont get me wrong I have accepted this arrangement but need to limit the damage on the kids and need to talk to her about it. I dont have a problem usually speaking up for myself in all other issues but not this - for some reason, I suspect there is a lot of hurt there. I have tried but usually it gets nowhere as she shows no inclination to discuss this.

So what do I do - ladies - from your perspective what should my approach be? take into account she is a very extrovert personality relying on a variety of outside activity in the church, community etc on which to draw her friends and form other relationships. Whilst I am an introvert but have a few good friends .

1aokgal
11th January 2008, 04:17 PM
Communication 101...never start sentence with a "You do....". Begin it with "I feel .....as in your feelings about things as I feel bad because..I feel the kids are being upset...I wish we could....I would like that we could talk to someone about these concerns."

Then you can say I never meant to hurt you, I wish I could take that back, I would like to find you again...I am worried because we are growing apart, etc. Never personalize it as "You don"t ...you always...you never...". No YOU sentences, please.

Stay on track..don't raise your vocie. If she interrupts..Say...I wish I could tell you how sad I feel about...I wish I could tell you how much I love you and how concerned I am about...."or I hope you can give me a few minutes so i can tell you a few concerns I have about.....
Choose your time for quiet..ask for quiet, as no TV or maybe some soft music in the background.

Good luck and remember what it was about her that you fell in love with and choose to act the way you did at the beginning..warm and fuzzy and not abraseive, demanding.