Help my marriage is drifting on me!

[Unregistered]

Hello everyone, well, I have no idea of where else to look. I am a 25 yr old male just married now for 2 and a half years. No children. My wife is 22.

Issues, boy do we have issues. Well, everything seems to relate back to the "sex" department of our relationship. I always seem to want more and she seems to always want less. I always wanna try new things, and she never wants to try new things, or if we plan to, she makes me feel terrible about it.

My wife is honeslty the best woman in the world, she does everyhting for me, I mean everything, and I lap it up like a puppy dog. She is really a great person and I love her dearly, but I just don't feel happy anymore. I have resentment towards her and I often feel very rejected by her.

I know I havent been the best husband, however I am not a real lovey lovey type of person, I have bought her flowers and other treats but I start to feel as thou I do those things to try and "earn" some sex. After I begin to feel that way I start to resent her huge.

One of the biggest problems is where I work. There are alot of very good looking girls at work that I know I could be happy with. And yes I know the saying the grass isnt always greener on the other side, but I just feel free at work as apposed to home.

In some sense I do feel as thou the flame in our relationship has gone out, but I aslo feel as I am to blame.

I have considered moving out of our home, for a while, but I really dont want to rock the boat incase this is just a phase I am going Though. I really REALLY don't want to hurt her in anyway as I do love her more than anything, but I am so unhappy I dont know if I can bear it.

Is there anyone out there that is in the same postion? Anyone have advice on what to do? Please help! the ship is destined for rocks!

Chris

[Unregistered]

I saw your post I am having a different set of problems, I'm in the previous post about the chat lines.
You guys are both young and having young children really puts a damper on your sex drive. Does she work full time?? That to takes a lot of energy, raising a child, looking after the house. By the time the child is gone to bed your tired. Marriage is a lot of work, respest, trust, openess and a biggie not keeping secrets.
I would suggest you guys talk to someone, you have to try to take timeout for the two of you and keep the romance and passion alive. But please.....please don't have an affair, trust me it only causes a different set of problems. If it comes to that your better off getting out of your relationship all together.
You guys have to be understanding towards each other, getting angry, finger pointing and the cold war just makes things worse.
I know it's very difficult.

Good luck. I truly hope things work out for the better.

C.C.

[Kate]

Dear Chris,

It strikes me that you don't have huge enough problems to need to move out. Early married life does involve a time of adjustment, to each others ways, but it also needs a time of adjustment of our expectations. You might like to have a look at the Coping with Disillusionment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/) section.

Men and women don't have the same expectations of their sex life. Most married folks find that appetites and needs in this area vary. Women tend to need more romancing and tenderness before they make love. They can be like an electric stove, taking time to warm up, while men can be more like gas, hot immediately and raring to go. It takes time to adjust to each other in this way. If we can see "making love" as that rather than "sex", then we can be more aware of wanting to give the other pleasure rather than having a great "experience". You and your wife may need to learn how to be intimate and safe with each other without the pressure of having to "perform". When your wife feels safe, she may be willing and want to be more adventurous.

Try to let go of your resentment. She may well be struggling too, wanting to please you, but not being able to meet what she sees as high expectations of her.

The fact that things aren't going well in bed and you're feeling unhappy doesn't mean it's the end of your marriage Try and see it as a stepping stone to getting to know and understand each other better. I would really recommend you consider some form of marriage enrichment programme (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/). My husband and I did one quite early on in our marriage. We were just beginning to be aware that things weren't always as rosy as we had dreamed and doubts were beginning to creep in. we didn't need counselling - just some new direction to get us back on course again. Some friends recommended a weekend to us and we found it a wonderful opportunity to learn to understand each other better. What we learnt has stayed with us and helped us through a number of difficult patches over the years, and we’re still thrilled to be married and with each other.

There is hope!

[Unregistered]

Kate - Thank you for your reply.

I see what your saying, see thing is, it wasnt like this in the beggining, when i met her, she was game for pritty much everything, energetic and raring to go.

We were trying to get pregnant a couple of months ago, and I felt like a sperm donar, I know that might seem funny but its true. We were making love every second day, and I had to race her to the bedroom.

We than had a huge fight, "over a damn head of lettuce," and she started shouting she was leaving and that she had enough. I was like ok?? Puzzled as I was, I dint talk to her for a week after, when I did, I told her kids were not a good plan. We had work to do on us as apposed to creating more of a challange. I told her that if she took her rings off again , that would be it, no turning back, it was a hard thing for me to accept. Well anyway to make a long story short, we are back to the once every 2 week scnerio.

I dont blame her for wanting kids, my brother just had one and is expecting another shortly, her cousin has had 3 and just found out totay she is pregnant with another, and her other cousin is expecting. I mean there is alot of baby stuff around the families right now. Is there some sort of syndrome women go Though
? Her mood swings just seem so out of control, around the children topic.

About your comment, " Women tend to need more romancing and tenderness before they make love."

See to me thats like a dog, when they want something they need to sit pritty or do a trick to get it. I feel as though I have to go Though hoops and bells and whistles just to have sex..

Another thought, I dont think I have ever made love??? Kinda Puzzles me, The difference between making love and having sex?

See my wife and I am sure alot of other woman see making love, like those relationships on TV, elegant, perfect and Romantic. I know for a fact the wife gets caught up in all that stuff. But thats just a false expectation. I dont understand why we call it making love? Doesnt every woman or man like sex-making love the same way? I mean For me, to "finish" I need to be talked to and its gotta be fast paced and well. I am sure you get what I am saying.

Just some questions. Hopefully you can help.


Chris

[Dave]

Dear Chris

Looks to me like you have a challenge to face in your head, not in your bed!!

I think you need to really ask yourself what you are giving in this relationship? You start to equate romance with behaving like a trained dog!! This isn't about going through some kind of romatic ritual, it's about figuring out what's really important to your lady, and then using every ounce of imagination and creativity to make love-making special for HER!! It's about giving, rather than taking - all the time.

You dismiss your wife's need as "just a false expectation" - it's only a false expectation as long as deny her right to be an individual, and selfishly believe that your expectations are somehow "right" whilst hers are "false"!!

You are both special unique human beings - and doubtless you are both different in many ways - those differences should be celebrated and treasured, not relegated under an "I'm right, you're wrong" mindset. You might try the Personality Profiler (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/pp/personprofile1.html) to start to understand and value the differences.

I think you are lucky your wife hasn't just left - just what did you suppose not talking to her for a week was going to solve?? Will it build up communication?? Will the conflict be resolved by silence?? You say it was over a "head of lettuce" (which I doubt; there will have been a deeper issue I'm sure) - do you suppose by trivialising the incident you make yourself look bigger?? Take a look at some of the article on Handling Conflict (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffhurtforg/) to find some constructive ways of handling arguements in a relationship.

I'm sorry, but I believe it's time you started to take a serious look at your responsibilities as a husband - you have made serious vows to your wife, unconditional ones to love and cherish her, it's about time you started to think and act like fully grown man, and turn those vows into responsible action.

If you do face up to the challenge, together you can build a great relationship, one where kids can grow up in the love and security that only a trully committed married Mum and Dad can offer - isn't that worth taking the responsibility for??

Dave