help needed

[val100]

Hi, I guess I am putting myself on the line here as I started the falling apart of my marriage. I had an affair. I could spend a week justifying why it happened but the truth is I made a terrible choice and broke a marriage that wasn't perfect but very functional. My husband moved home three wks ago the affair was discovered last may. He wanted to come home we have four children and we were a fantastic family. The problem is he is treating me so badly and I have been physically emotionally and spiritually abused by him when he found out. I need help to give me the strength to continue to try and fix my marriage but the hurt keeps being doled out. Usually I wd say I am doing things to provoke him but honestly I am too scared to do anything but stay quiet and try to fix us.

please help me :(

[Raymond]

Adultery is a big kick in the teeth for anyone Nuala a betrayal of trust that goes to the core of your being, especially if it was sexual as well.

The question is what does your husband want now? Does he value his marriage or does he want revenge? If he still values the marriage forgiveness must happen. You are obviously sorry for what happened and must forgive yourself as well. These things take time and hopefully your husband will work these things through and realise that you are sorry. All you can do now is conduct yourself honourably in all you do. He must also do the right thing. Hopefully you will both grow through this and have even a better marriage than before. A lot depends on what your husband wants.

Raymond

[val100]

Hi Raymond.
I really know what I have done and how unbelievably selfish I have been. I cannot make light of my actions at all.
I don't know what he wants. He tells me that he misses me, loves me and wants us to fix our marriage but he is acting in the cruelest manner towards me. I truly have put my heart and soul into this my actions are in no way causing his treatment of me. We spoke at length yesterday and he says he has no doubt in his heart that I will ever hurt him again and that living with me is not being made difficult by anything I am doing. My husband left our house in August and within a week was in a relationship with a young girl he knew. He used her to get at me. She and I spoke about his behaviour and she cannot get over what he did to her just to punish me. I discovered that he has remained in contact with her even though he swore he hadn't. When I ASKED about it he went mad and stayed out till half past 6 this morning. He came home Angry and looking for a fight I refused to get involved.
Does he love me? Absolutely but he is very emotionally immature and cannot deal with his anger. For all his faults I love him deeply I am working so hard to fix me but it is the loneliest place to be right now.

[Raymond]

Two wrongs do not make a right Nuala. It looks like the tables are switched and that he is in the wrong now. Yes he was likeley to have been hurt by your actions but his response is making it even worse. Revenge doesn't help anyone least of all himself. The only good thing I can see is that he was very hurt by your actions which at least shows that he loves you. However there is a lot of insecurity and immaturity apparent in the way he handled it. It looks like he needs your forgiveness now, but it won't really work for him unless he decides to change his stance. It looks like the initial wrong has been covered over by further wrongs making it difficult to get to the roots and the sorting out.

You say that he has conceded that you have put things right but is still going on in this course of action. Sounds like punishment to me coming out of anger. As adults it is not our prerogative to punish anyone. Hopefully as you make the right responses he will begin to see the futile course he has taken.

Raymond

[val100]

Raymond you are a rock of sense. I tried stupidly to talk to him this morning, stupid time I know.
It got heated and he did his thing, I repulse him I am a c**** and manymore. Then he tells me I am the most amazing person he knows, he loves me , I am beautiful but he feels nothing and he wants to leave. I am heart broken he is only home 3 wks and we have 4 amazing kids that really want their dad to stay.
I am willing to put my life on hold to fix this but he wants the old us with no memory of what has happened.
I think with help and time that we then could see if we have a future together.
I am lost, deeply hurt and slightly insane. I feel all the things he calls me. I really don't want to carry on with my life. dramatic as it sounds. I am getting help to combat my depression.
I am not going to beg him to stay I have before, but I know that makes it worse so when I go home later I know I must accept his decision. I wish I hadn't let him home 3wks ago my kids will be in bits and I don't feel I have the strength to pick up the pieces. 2008 is looking pretty crap now too.

[Raymond]

He is exhibiting two different personalities which doesn't make for stability Nuala. The way the old times come back is through forgiveness extended to you and you to him, not by pretending it never happened, but as you say you have to accept his decision.

You have to be strong for your children and hope (and pray) he does the right thing. He has said some pretty nasty things to you and in the same breath has said the opposite. It is obvious he is pretty mixed up just now and you are suffering the fallout.

At times like these God is a great strength. He extends His forgiveness to you (and to all of us) in Christ if we will but receive it. The best thing you can do is ask Him into your life and begin to experience His help as well as his saving power.

Raymond

[val100]

funny I went to mass this morning, I am not religious but I need help. He is leaving and I explained didn't yell, I explained what this meant the kids and I are moving home to my family, he can keep the hse for a year but I will need the money to put towards a new hse as my kids need a stable home. I explained that I wouldn't force the kids to visit him if they didn't want too. We have a teenage son and an 11yr old son who are hurt and angry so I can only encourage them to see him. Our daughter are 6 and 4 they will I hope always want to see him. I made a promise that I would never stop him from seeing them. He just says I am being a bitch but this is thecold light od divorce and that is what he wants (for now) he left the hse 3hrs ago I have no idea where he is I am not worried he loves himself too much to do anything stupid however he may never return. In 4 weeks he will want me again and I him but I guess if he doesn't change his mind by Wednesday when we are due to leave for home then I must go and never let him do this to me and the kids again. What the kids don't know is this is his third time doing this last time he said he wanted to try but 3 days before counselling he hopped

[val100]

back into bed with the girlfriend he changed his mind. He is just home everything is my fault. He wanted all of it back so badly but he just can't get my affair out of his head. I told him, he has to choose to let go of his hurt and then we need to seek out the help that will rebuild us. He just doesn't have it in him and by the time he does it will be too late. I have to go home and rebuild my life and I have to leave him behind me. I pray he will change his mind before we leave.

[Raymond]

How can he get out of the bed of adultery and then blame you for something you were truly sorry for? He is truly a mixed up kid. There is no way forward while he is acting like this. As I said you need all the strength you can get.

It's good that you are seeking God in your own way. God sees your heart in this. He has given us Christ as a person to bring us to himself. That is the way He has made for us. You need only ask him in.

Raymond

[val100]

I am working a twelve hour shift today so going home has me on tender sticks. He is so confused and unbelievably hurt. I am so ashamed that I did this to him. He broke from his anger last night and cried, I have never seen him cry like this he wants us but he can't6 get past the affair. We spoke at length and I told him we weren't equped to do this on our own and that when his anger goes he won't feel enraged everytime it comes into his head. Only when he lets this go have we hope of intimacy and love. I think he got it. He is afraid he will never be in love with me again and will only love me as someone he spent 15yrs with and had his children by. I told him that I was willing to take that risk and that I would be happier knowing we gave it an honest try. It is too late to fear being hurt but I do.
I realise he is my world and I don't want any other. I will be the most devote catholic by the end of this.Thanks Raymond I appreciate your time and lack of judgement it means a lot

[Raymond]

I hope and pray it goes well Nuala. If he is willing to stop messing about with this girl he needs to say so to you at some point. Messing about with others for both of you will only bring trouble and weaken your marriage. You need to forgive each other for it to work. This may take time but needs to be stuck to. Bringing it up after forgiveness is not real forgiveness. He has to learn this to move on. If you get through this you will both be stronger and will have learned a valuable lesson in being faithful.

Raymond

[val100]

Raymond it is all over he is now the one being unfaithful. He has lied and cheated me for the last 4 weeks and finally when he got put on the spot (i was willing to keep trying) he said now and he asked me and the kids to leave. We have moved 100 miles to my family, I have no money, no home and he doesn't care he didn't even ask had we money for the trip.
I am broken and desolate my kids are low and confused. My family have stepped in and told him he doesn't deserve his children or me and they won't allow any contact between us.
Get this he told me he loved me just before I left but he doesn't want any of this he will miss the kids but I am a good mother so he doesn't worry. What a bastard!
I am lost and broken.

[Raymond]

If he loved you Nuala truly he would show it in his actions. These feelings of love that come and go are not worth much. I know that you are at a very difficult time, but it could work for your good being seperated from him. He seems more selfish than most from what I have heard about him. You deserve much better.

I don't know what the future is but in time you will feel mended. You have your children to take care of and accomodation to sort out. Some of the house will belong to you, even if you have to go through the courts to get it. Thank goodness you have kind parents who can look after you for a while.

I hope you are able to maintain a good spirit at this difficult time. Try not to be bitter as that will only affect you not him and for your sake try and find forgiveness because if you don't it will keep you in chains, possibly fot the rest of your life.

If you do these things you will heal much quicker. Remember what I said about asking Him in. You need His help very much at the moment.

In time life will open up for you again after you get through this trauma and as long as you don't allow bitterness to get in. I can forgive others because Jesus forgave me. there is a connection in receiving christ's forgiveness and forgiving others. I emphasise this because this will be a great temptation to you and you need to keep free.

At the moment you are wounded and torn although you may have had an inkling of it coming which might negate the pain a little.

Many on here have gone through what you have. I really hope and pray it works out for you Nuala.

Raymond

[val100]

thanks Raymond, I am neither bitter or angry. I am confused and hurt but dare I admit he must go through all his hurt let it go and finally maybe come out of it looking for his family again. I hurt him and he adored me. I spoke withhim today for the first time and I hear how lost and angry it is. I wish he would talk to people who actually knew what he was going through rather than giving their stupid opinions and judgements. People only see what we want them to see and we only wanted them tto see the love we had for each other not how that love hurt me daily.
I think I have found a lovely house for the children and , I haev taking sometime off work to get my head in a better place. I have allowed myself 6 months before I make any decisions on whether I stay or head back to cork. My heart is broken, I have always loved him even though my actions last year were not of love. He is difficult and immature but he is who I want to spend my life with. I accept that that dream is over but it will be my dream for another while.
Thanks again raymond

[Raymond]

I'm glad you may have found a house so quickly Nuala. That will give you a little independence if it comes off. You will need a lot of time to mend Nuala, but you will in time and with the right attitude.

Hopefully he will work through all the stuff he's going through and come to his senses and see what he is giving up, but please don't accept him back while he is having an affair. Even when he has finished the affair you want to see some fruit or evidence that he seriously wants to make a go of it. Adultery doesn't fit well into marriage. The opposite in fact. You don't deserve to be hurt badly again.

My mother came from Ireland as it happens, but her marriage to my father didn't last long and my brother and I were put in a convent plus other places. I know all about being a Catholic, being partly brought up by nuns. Unfortunately, I never found christ there, just catechism, rosaries, Mary saints etc. thank God I found out Christ was a person one could relate to and through Him come to God and be saved.

I really hope it works out for you Nuala and I have a feeling it will do in the long run with or without him.

God bless

Raymond

[Micou]

Hi Nuala

I just stumbled across your thread while browsing around the forums. Wow, you have really been through the mill, haven't you? I am so sorry that you and your kids have been put through so much.

However, I do feel very concerned that your husband has also had an affair, despite attacking you about the one you had previously, and yet he only seems to be focussing on what you have done and not what he has done as well. How can he be thinking like that? Does he feel that you should behave only in the manner that he wants you to and not analyse what he has also done?? He sounds messed up to me, to be honest and that does not justify his behaviour towards you and the kids. How long does he think this is going to go on for? When does he intend to draw a line and stop abusing you and hurting the kids in the process? Or is he getting a kick out of terrorising you which outweighs any peace and reconciliation that you both could have instead?

[Alice Alice]

Dear val100
I agree he is being abusive
not only that but very judgemental and a hypocrite
good thing you found a safe haven

[1aokgal]

Nuala....

Believe me, when I tell you this. That marriage is dead...over. You cannot have that name calling. drama and him with the young girl playing pay back and that it could EVER be mended. I don't believe all was right for a long time or you would not have gone elsewhere to find affection.

Women may go for the sex but it is usually driven by the need to feel attractive and loved and the sex is the package. You were not getting that at home. There is NO excuse for such rotten name calling and threats and being a bully. Your kids must be destroyed to be around all the upset, tears, loud voices and drama.

Listen, they will never find stability and love in their lives if they don't get free of being included in this marriage disaster. See this one as OVER. Do not speak to this man except in the presence of another as your attorney. Speak only of the kids and no looking back on good or bad times. Don't rehash it, argue, throw guilt, and don't accept that treatment. YOu will pay for your mistakes and that is the lesson you learned and the place it has in your life.

Put this behind and get all you can get to help you raise the kids as decent and good.
Do not let him use your kids against you either by telling them you did this or that. Do not allow that to happen and if he takes that position you make sure visitations with the kids are structured and short and a lawyer puts him on alert such scenes will not be tolerated.

Women put these events behind.....all of this will be a dim memory one day. I trust that you will find someone who loves you in the future. You must walk a hard road for a time as many of us have done. I speak from experience that there is life after divorce and you will get through it. Do not for one minute think to salvage that disaster. Good riddance to that guy and let the young girls have him.

[val100]

1aokgal,
you are right in many ways. I have lived with him since I was 18 some of our time together was amazing and you know i don't want all the things that drove me over the edge back in my life.
I am strong enough to live without him, I just don't want to.

Maybe it just takes longer than this to heal.
I am in this place that I don't want to be in and i know I have no choice. You are right about my affair it had nothing to do with sex, infact the sex wasn't that great. It was about the need to be something other than a broken woman.
I have had counselling and I know i lived with abusive behaviour, 4 counsellors who all said "of course you had an affair how come you waited so long, " they asked him "What did you expect, you took your eye off the ball and ignored her asking for help"
It is like everybody is on my side but him. Even my family who were furious (they thought he was fantastic) are understanding why.
The problem is he is mine, He is fantastic underneath all this. I love him but I do hate aspects of his personality. I am not sure if it would ever work but I miss him.
I ache for my bestfriend. I ache for my family.
I kinda of think in a few years when he has matured (if he matures0 maybe then he will come looking for me. I know though that i must not wait , I have to make a new life for my children and I.
I just can't help the way I feel. I am never going to ask him back though!

[1aokgal]

Nuala...

Dear, with all love and kindness, I say to you that you must stop telling yourself how much you still love this man. You love what you WISH he had been. Women who live with the men who bind them really come from childhood's that mold them into needy persons. Then some guy comes along and fllls the hole that never got filled before. it is a peice we thought was missing of ourselves. Then we put up with whatever after the glow has gone in the hopes the early times will come back. It is like a bite of chocolate and the addiction is there to have it again.

You must really see the events as they were and accept that. You must work hard to heal yourself. If there is a place to go to a co-dependent group that would help you a lot. The first person you must love is yourself. No one should be allowed to treat you or speak to you as he has done. Get close to your children as they are hurt and confused. a lot of damage is done to be in a battle ground. Many who have adult lives and marriages that go through all this were raised in homes with chaos and repeat it in their lives.

If you have faith in your life, get closer to your faith. I am sure it will be hard for awhile but one day you may wonder what you ever saw in that guy in the first place. Time heals and you will love again someday. Get a grip on what attracted you to this man. Sometimes women are attracted to men who live on the edge because of a poor childhood. Takes a lot of soul searching to get inside the riddle of what makes us love who we love.

Get some self help books at the library and do some research on this kind of relationship. Go online..read some on co-dependent marriages.

I wish you better in your future.

[val100]

Hi 1aokgal,
thanks and you are in many aspects right.
My home life was great I have wonderful parents but yes stuff did happen to me that have left a mark. My parents could not have forseen this.
I have had counselling and I have been pointed in the right direction.
You see I work and function perfectly without him. People are shocked at how well I seem to be doing. I guess yesterday and on this thread I speak from the heart and say what I am not willing to admit to the rest of the world.
It is like being trapped in this world of hurt and he is hurting too and neither of us can help the other and we caused that hurt to each other.
I am young and well educated, I always manage to do well at whatever I put my mind to, so my future is bright and hopeful. I am attractive and great fun, I do get alot of male attention so I don't fear being on my own.
It is simple underneath all the horrible stuff is this man who I love.
He is not right for me, I tried everything I could to fix us, I dreamt of leaving him, I had an affair. I have been to hell and back. I am not chasing him I just wish I could either fix it or be able to stop caring. Does that make sense?
I really appreciate your support and your views and believe me I am trying my best to let go. Somedays I just need to say how I feel.
I have 4 amazing kids, a great family, wonderful friends and a beautiful house.
I will rise again,

[1aokgal]

Nuala...

This is a good place to vent and get FB.Most of us wish there was a "switch" that could be turned and turn off love that has caused hurt or where we just cannot make it work. Part of the loving process is the risk one takes to love another and give over power to another to hurt us. Personally, I would rather be a loving, sensitive person than one who cares about nothing or no one but the price tag can be steep for caring for another.

I guess we just have to think of the serenity prayer and "accept the things I cannot change:courage to change the things I can: and the wisdom to know the difference." Sometimes all we can alter is ourselves. When we came into the human condition no one promised a strife free existence. I choose to do a lot of things for my personal happiness/fulfillment and just make my life the best I can. I am thankful for the strength to choose wisely what I won't endure from another. My boundary......I call it. We all can be reasonably happy in our lives with good choices.
Have a good day and I will pull for you.

[debz]

These messages, replying to val 100, i must admit are a bit worrying to me, The husband here has turned out to be the bad one although the wife is the one who had the affair. My husband has had an affair on me and believe me the feelings that come from it arent at all pleasant. I will try and give my perspective on this, I am hurt, I am angry, I am confused, I feel ugly, i constantly vomit up my food to look good to him and my world has crashed down around me. I did nothing to deserve it and yes i also started an affair for revenge, but it did'nt work, i ended up feeling even worse, this other person did'nt mean anything to me so i felt like a whore doing it but i carried on seeing him just incase my husband was still carrying on with his affair, this other man became someone to fall back on just incase but i can assure you i dont feel the least bit good about it. I stayed with my husband because of what we used to have, i loved him dearly and he destroyed it. YES val 100 your husband really DOES love you but its very very hard for us wearing the other shoe to handle. Im going to say ,Yes, your better off out of your marriage for his sake, He will move on and love someone and i dont mean this 'fall back' girl, he will meet someone else and you will too. I am sorry for you and your marriage, i am sorry you felt you had to hurt him. Like i say im still with my hubby but its torture and ive yet to decide whether to stay or go. Please believe when i say its heart breaking for us who have been **** on.

[Alice Alice]

Here is some cool quotes
guess who's the person saying them...yep

Let anyone among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone.

Love Your Enemies

He who rules his spirit has won a greater victory than the taking of a city

The kingdom of God is within you.

For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

If you bring forth what is inside you, what you bring forth will save you. If you don't bring forth what is inside you, what you don’t bring forth will destroy you.

Amen
i haven't gone to church in years but i love all the quotes