what do u think??

[Unregistered]

I would like another option on this. My husband of 16 years, was downloading music. To pass the time he would get on the excite chat. This was all roughly about 8 months back. I started feeling uneasy about it, went into our e-mail one morning and found out he had sent his picture to someone. I was very hurt, when I confronted him he told me he meant to tell me and forgot. Now I have a trust issue, when I go out I wonder what he's doing behind my back. It was agreed way back (after the picture) he wouldn't use the chat again. I have come back home a couple of times after being out and checked the computer, it looked like he went in a couple of times. He says he hasn't been in and it's a virus that's opening applications. He just this w-end overheard a conversation on the phone with my Mom telling her I thought he was being secrective. I hate feeling like this, we have always had a great sex live, get along get as friends, lovers. Now he's hurt because after 16 years I don't trust him. What's your option??

[Dave]

Dear Friend,

When we believe trust has been broken, it hurts like hell and gnaws away inside us. There are some really good articles on Trust here on the site.

First there is Developing Trust in a Relationship - Section one, "Communication in Marriage" (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/articles/developtrust1/) - it's in two parts so remember to read the second part too.

Then there is Learning to Trust Again (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/articles/trust/) by our own Kate.

Both articles make the point that whilst trust is slowly built, and easily violated, at the end of the day it is a Decision to Trust that matters. Love is willing to risk all because it sees the good in each other and decides to forgive past failings.

I would also seriously consider taking time out for your marriage by going on one of the excellent weekends available to enrich your marriage (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/datelist.html) - treat it as a chance to fall in love all over again with this man who in your own words is a great friend and lover.

Dave

[Unregistered]

Thank you for your reply. I guess what was the biggest hurt is I thought it was something he would never have done. (send a picture) I have used the chat's not on a regular basis and have enjoyed meeting people from accross the globe. I don't feel there is a need to swop pictures. I did find out after a while he also opened a private e-mail, he said to trade off jokes!! I too have a hotmail e-mail which I opened about 4-5 years ago, I opened it for a pen pal connection, I also made a point of telling him about it right away. I regularly keep in touch with a girl in Calfornia and we have never swopped pictures of ourselves. He denys anything was going on, but when you send 2 pictures to two different people on the chat, stay on until 12:30 and forget to mention it, does that not seem a little off the wall. Or is it me??
Could it be he's lying to himself?? I am sick about the whole thing, now I'm getting the cold shoulder from him. When you can't eat, sleep............honestly I just want to die. My two teenage girls are really feeling things. They are the world to me, and I know Mike and I love each other. Was he looking for a ego boost, someone to tell him what a great guy he is, I thought we had a open and honest relationship. Has his age (50) got something to do with it? I would be willing to go for counselling, but I don't think he would. Thanks again for the reply.....:-)

[Dave]

I wanted just to quickly respond to a couple of points.

The most important one is that "Enrichment" of your marriage is nothing to do with Counselling. Counselling starts from an assumption that something is wrong, and looks at what can be done to fix it.

By contrast, Enrichment starts from the position that both of you are committed to strong healthy relationship, and looks at ways to make it even more vibrant, building a shared vision of what your relationship can be and mean to you, and developing ways of building the deep intimacy that only two deeply committed people can know.

Counselling is a trip to the Hospital; Enrichment is a trip to a Health Spa!!

You may well be right that Mike is looking for some way to feel more connected, valued, or even listened to. Is your behaviour in framing everything in suspicion empowering you to really deeply reach out and show him how loved and valued he is?? You will never change him, you can only change yourself. What are his needs today? - and how can you reach out in love, remembering the special loving husband that he is, to really put your love and your wedding vows into action??

Dave

[Unregistered]

When I found the e-mail with the picture he had sent out, I felt like I had to compete. I started sending intimate e-mails to him which he seemed not to appreciate. Maybe I was trying to hard. With the other e-mail which I found in his excite account (broke into it) that was the straw that broke the camels back, his words were "quick note to say hi. thought of you while i was taking a shower. I should have a photo for you by week end, our group photo at work is my most recent." Luv ya Micheal.
He says Luv is a friendship think only.
I brought this e-mail up didn't let him know where I found it, he claims he never wrote anything like that and he would remember if he did. (this was also like a year ago)
I feel foolish for having to post messages on some board, I think I need some validation for my feeling and I'm not crazy for feeling this way. Mike just a way of making me feel it's all in my head!!