Christian Marriage and Spousal Abuse

[Unregistered]

I am a wife, mother and professional who, after 16 years of marriage, has finally recognized herself as an abused wife. The abuse hasn't been physical, though I might well have been struck by flying objects. Rather it has been attacks on pets, property and on my self-esteem. Our children have been witnesses to these events.

I looked to the church for guidance, but while I found numerous examples of books telling me to make myself subservient to my husband (and presumably my master), I found nothing about how the church addresses spousal abuse.

Am I to stand by and patiently take his attacks because he says he's been saved by God? I don't think so. The God I believe in doesn't see half of his children as mere possessions.

Why is the church so full of cowards?

[Liz]

It's very easy to misuse scripture for our own ends and I believe you are correct that God values both men and women equally, and certainly does not expect us to dominate one another.

There are books around that teach this and many churches that acknowledge it too. If you take the passage in Ephesians that is so argued about, I would say it's very clear that whatever is required of the woman, the demands on the man are high - he is supposed to love his wife as much as Christ loves the church and to be willing to lay down his life for her! I don't think Paul expected women to be subservient, but to love, honour and respect their husbands. For an alternative view on this passage there is a book called What Paul really said about Women (http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060610638/qid%3D1011100796/026-2313417-1832422).

When we love someone, we may not like their attitudes and behaviour. Have you been able to talk to your husband about his behaviour and the hurt you have been feeling? Have you any idea why he behaves this way? You might like to have a look at the Marital First Aid (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/marfirstaid/) article on the site.

Have you actually talked to your church leaders or just looked for relevant books? If they are not open to your needs, then why not find another Christian who will pray for you and with you. Pray that God will reveal what is hidden to others, so your family can receive the healing it needs. God has promised wisdom to those who ask for it, so go on asking for it! He also wants what is best for you, your husband and your marriage, and prayer can move mountains.

[addria1979]

i have had the same ordeal when i went to the pastor and his wife they told me he works
(so do i ) and helps provide so i have no right to ask more of him

[Canadagirl]

I can relate to you just geting out of a 'verbal' abusive relationship amoung other things. My husband (hopefully ex) was severley into the bible though he didn't work, did drugs and would call me the worst names. The hard thing that plays with your mind is him using bible scripture to justify or twist so he's ' always right'. THis abuse is worse than physical.
You are right about the church not stepping up as they are all too scared because of the one verse that says not to divorce except through adultery! However, nevermind the countless scriptures that states how wrong it is when husbands don't love their wifes (as this abuse and grief he gives you is now love), and this was a 'valid' form of divorce.
I can only say how FREE i feel ever since leaving him, i feel like a whole new person who has been in 'bondage' because i was always taught to be that 'submissive' wife. I am not telling you to seperate, that is your choice, but God or the Bible certainly don't back this behaviour up. It's harder that you have children involved but its much better to be in a healthier relationship. WIll he take up counselling?