mr

[arrrh]

hi all i'm a new here i'm fed up and i'm searching ...........

[val100]

Hi, I am new too and desperate, my marriage is so in the gutter I need help advice and support. lets talk maybe I can help you and you me. I have been with my husband for 15 years and I made a huge mistake by having an affair, my husband treated me so badly. No excuse but madness set in. Please don't judge I was the picture perfect wife and mother till my affair.

[drk4cfr4]

arrrh...what are you searching for?:o

[drk4cfr4]

why did you have an affiar, nuala treacy? :confused:

[val100]

Because he left me rot on a couch for 3 and a half years. I was something to look at but not to take out, because he had hurt me and left me recover always without an apology., because he called me names when he was angry, because he was on a knifes edge of violence, because he chose his mother over me every time she disrespected me, because he lied to me on our wedding day to make her happy, because he never involved himself in the adult business side of our marriage, because the play station and the mac were too much fun, because he called me a whore for no reason one morning when I cuddled up to him, because I devoted myself to him for 14 years never once looking outside of our relationship and he couldn't take me for a drink, He wanted to move hse even though we couldn't afford it yet he demanded that we do it yet he never looked at the hse we bought till I put the key in the door, because he was a child, because loving him was hurting me, because I buckeled and that fool caught me and I needed to feel wanted, I needed to remember what it was like to be desired, because I was stressed and hurting and found myself in the most stupid situation.
I cannot justify my actions only say what brought me to this place, the choice was mine. I hope to forgive myself oneday

[Raymond]

He was also unfaithful to you Nuala. You were sorry about yours but he was not, therefore do not be too hard on yourself. What more could you do but try to put it right, something he never did.

Raymond

[val100]

Hi drk4cfr4 and Raymond,
I am exhausted. I think it is time I walk away from even trying anymore. I am a shadow of my former self. I have put my children through enough. I am still praying and wishing he could see the hope, but I am not sure I want him back. I have always forgiven him but at some point my well is going to run dry. He is still hurting me and yet I am raising his children well and without any real financial help from him. He is throwing tantrums if I don't do what he wants. I am stressed and remembering that I never liked this side of his personality, why would I want it back in my life. I loved the good him but hated the abuser, the spoilt child the vengeful man he can be. I can't say sorry anymore he needs to be sorry, sorry for attacking me, sorry for not listening, sorry for hurting me. I have to forgive myself and I cannot do that when he is still punishing me.
I am sad that maybe this is how it was meant to be. Is it ok to let him go ? Will my children be ok? Will I look in the mirror and see the person I used to be?
I just want one answer to give me some hope and point me in the right direction.

[Raymond]

You need to rest Nuala and give yourself a break. It is evident that you are at a low ebb and are unsure of the way forward. I believe you want to do the right thing but that hasn't got to be a rush thing. Your husband seems to be two people which is very discomfiting. Who is the real him?

It is unfair that he is trying to punish you. Nobody has the right to do that to you. There is a period when we are children that we are punished as children so that we go the right way. This is more revenge as far as I can see which only belongs to God. He has no right to treat you this way in the same way that we have no right to treat our spouses unfairly. He has to see this though and if he doesn't you have got to do what you have to do in the meantime. I don't know where it is all going to end Nuala, but you need to look after yourself so that you have the strength to do the right thing as you see it. That's all we can do. Live up to the light that we have. As we do that we get more.

Take a break. Visit you parents. Do what you like doing with friends when you can and make sure your children do not get any negative affects in them. Your love will cover them. Get as much advise as you can.

God bless

Raymond

[val100]

Thank you Raymond.
He crossed a line last weekend by being abusive (verbally) in front of our 2 small girls. I took them away and when I went back for my sons he locked one of them into the house with him. I had to ring the police as my son was totally distraught, he still isn't himself. It is a long story but what happened has defined that he is no longer in charge of his emotions and that he has no problem involving our kids. I have decided that I can't let him see them until I get legal advice. until then I must put up with copious amounts of abuse and name calling. I have decided that I should actually pray for him because he is the one lost in this grief and anger, however it is truly time a walk away and strive for happiness with my children. Thank you for your support and to everybody who has spoken with me. The constant lack of judgement has given me strength to believe I do not deserve to be repeatedly hurt.
Here is to happier times.

[Raymond]

His disregard for the children is quite serious Nuala. They have to be protected. He has stepped beyond reasonable bounds. He must see that and he probably does, but if he cannot control the negative and harmful emotions you and the children have to be protected.

The time has come to put what you can into operation so that you salvage what you have as a mother. He cannot be allowed to negatively affect the children. Right?

I do hope it works out for you and the children. Try and link up with others that can be a help and protection so that you are not alone in this.

God bless

Raymond

[val100]

Hi raymond,
I absolutely agree with you. I am honestly torn because the one thing I couldn't fault him for was his fantastic way with our children. He was a beautiful father. I so want to do the right thing and let them see him but there are problems with that. He isn't looking after himself or the family home. The place is in a mess it smells and is cold and very unwelcoming. He hasn't shaved in 2/3 months there is only the food that I bought in the house. He was / is drinking heavily, not when he is with the kids as far as I know.

I want to talk to him and help him but I must step back and let him find himself. If I thought he wouldn't beat the daylights out of me I would call around and make him clean himself up and we clean the house for the kids.
In truth I know I must walk away but I do love him, hidden away is my beautiful husband.
He needs help and my hands are tied.

[Raymond]

You are torn between your heart and your head Noodle. In this case you need both. You need your head to see how he could harm the children and you. Your heart still goes out to him and I believe there will be windows of opportunity, however small, to convey your love and concern for him, but not at the children's or your expense. There is a part of him that you cannot allow free rein. You know that. You can only show him love within certian perameters at the moment because of how he is just now.

He is not in a good place and he needs help, but that shouldn't all fall to you. You have your place as a mother and to help him a little if you can. I hope he can get the help he needs. You say he was a good father and there are, I should imagine, a lot of good things in him, even though the wrong things have the upper hand at the moment.

It is a difficult road you tread. I can see that. You know what my answers are. Maybe you will be instumental in getting him the help he needs, but not at the expense of you and the children of course. You cannot enter into situations where you are throwing them to the lions. I really hope he finds his feet and comes out of the black hole he appears to be in.

Raymond

[val100]

Hi Raymond,
I have refused to rescue him or to fix his need to see our children. Don't get me wrong I am not saying he cannot see them. I am just not organising it and drawing up the legal documents etc. I have told him that I have what I need and that for him to see his children he must behave in an appropriate manner etc and that I want this in writing, he proceeded to get me to change my mind about using a solicitor as he wanted to save the money and spend it on them ( have recieved since may 600 euro in total, 300 of which I asked for to set the kids up for school). I refused to pay my solicitor to draw up a contract for him I said this was for him to do and then I would take it to mine etc. This may sound petty but I always fix his life for him and he always accuses me of doing it wrong or playing games with him. So this time he needs to sort what he needs and more importantly start thinking about what the kids need. He hasn't done a thing. I have no idea when he will see them as I cannot afford to take the risk of dropping them to him again and something not being to his liking. He is drinking and doing very stupid spiteful things. I had to go to the house yesterday he is away. In our bedroom, stuck on the bedroom wall he had the letter from his doctor saying his vasectomy was successful and there was no need for him to use contraception (he had the vasectomy 3 years ago when we were together). I am heart broken my husband is in my opinion spiralling out of control. His action seem to be so immature and conceted. This man once loved me and now he is trying to destroy me. I know I had an affair and I know that I broke him but I didn't do any of this out of malice and cruelty I was lost in my hurt and stupidly fell into something that seemed like it would save me. I have done everything to make him believe that I want us to work etc. He rang me last monday and appologised for treating me so badly , for hurting me so many times over the last 15 years, I got so angry at him, ever since I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster yet again. He insisted in telling me he didn't want me but he wanted us to be best friends again and to be happy for each other and to chat and be good parents and not be out of each others lives. He told me he is moving on and he wants me to be happy for him. I am confused, I am hurt , I am lonely and I want him to stop this pulling at my heart and to fix this mess and help out kids survive this nightmare.
He has tried over the week to make contact with me, I have ignored it. I believe if we got to be friends again we would have a shot at our marriage in time, but I cannot risk my mental, physical and emotinal health right now but I am so scared that I may never get what I want which is my family.

[Raymond]

Nobody knows what works and what doesn't work better than you Nuala. You know all the pitfalls and you know jolly well where some of these roads will lead again if you are not careful. Unfortunately it appears that he is doing you no good and only offers you more uncertainty and more pain it seems. You are taking the right road at the moment. You need rest and healing and I don't think that is going to happen getting involved with him again, even on a so called friendly basis. Sounds hard but you need to protect yourself and your children. You cannot see the wood for the trees at the moment and you need this seperation for your peace of mind and the childrens. You know yourself what lies behind these calls to be friends. A clear seperation will release you more to see what is what in the future. I think you are right not to assist him in his attempts to see the children. Let him work it out and take responsibility. You just enjoy the refuge for the time being until you are well and mended and can see the right way forward. Stand your ground.

Take care.
Raymond