Married but Alone

[Unregistered]

Just looking for some objective/unbiased opinions on my situation. I've been married for just over 6 years now and I have an incredibly beautiful new Daughter that is the joy of my life. Her addition to our family makes my pain all the more difficult and any decision I make that much more serious.

When we got married my Wife was just out of undergrad and was looking for Graduate schools to attend. I was working and we decided it made more sense for her to finish up her education than for me to begin mine. That was fine except that she needed ONE more class in order to apply for some of the graduate schools. She took the class (1 hour twice a week) and worked about 4hours a day. I was working three jobs at the time (1 FT and 2 PT) to pay bills and save money. I never pushed the issue of her not working more but it always bothered me. She got into graduate school - a good (and expensive) one and we uprooted our lives and moved so she could fulfill her dream. All through school I did everything for her. Cook, clean, do laundry, help with homework (when she was actually home). I quit a good job and took a temp one at the University in hopes of getting a permanent job there (anything) so we could get a discount on her tuition. I finally did get a job but it, and each subsequent job, was living hell. I did it though knowing that I wouldn't have to do it forever and that there was a payoff for me in the end. We had decided that I would go to school after she was done and I was looking forward to that. Well, three years of HELL later she graduated and FELL into a job (it was the ONLY job she even applied for) making pretty good money. I assumed that once she was done with school and the hectic, crazy nature of it all that I would become more important in her life - I expected it. But, it's been pretty much the same thing...her taking me for granted at every turn. All of her friends, co-workers, associates - and mine for that matter - are always saying what a great husband I am. I take her treats at work, send her flowers for no reason, leave notes on her car, send her cards in the mail and email. All so that she doesn't just have to believe me when I SAY I love her. She doesn't do any of that. What's more, when I try to express my feelings to her that she takes me for granted she immediately gets defensive and says "You don't like anything about me, do you?" It's the same response every time we talk - or try to. I don't know how much longer I can stay in this relationship with her - or at least stay faithful. But I know I couldn't bear to be apart from my Daughter. I just don't know how to make her see that she's got a great guy and she doesn't even know it. It's all Take and no Give as I see it. I know what I'd like to do but I'm kind of impulsive at times so I want to ask for some opinions and ideas from you. By the way, I never did end up getting to go to school because the student loan payments from her graduate work are basically a mortgage and she refuses the idea of any kind of PT work to help cover my education costs.

so, what do you think?

[Dave]

Dear Friend,

Your story struck me as it is all too common, but in most cases it seems that it is the woman who tells this tale - that makes your love and commitment all the more precious.

The first thing to acknowledge is that you have clearly taken your decision to love your wife seriously, and I admire the commitment, imagination and perseverance you have shown. The challenge seems to me to be that the situation has become so "normalised" that your wife expects you always to be giving, and has lost sight of your need to be valued and affirmed.

I would start by taking a look at the article in our first-aid kit on the "Delinquent Helper Syndrome" (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/marfirstaid/index11.html) which may give you some practical ways to address the problem.

I think however that there is a deeper issue here. When you first met you were both pretty young, and there was a certain balance to your lives - you each met certain needs in each other. Several years later, and she has grown and matured in confidence through doing really well at college and in her job - you have probably changed too. You both need time to look at afresh at your love for each other, and to re-discover the joy and excitement possible in marriage - I'd really recommend you take a look at doing a Marriage Encounter (hhtp://www.wwme.org) weekend. This would give you the space and time to really express your deeper needs in a non-judgemental way, and to recognise better the ways you interact.

You obviously love you wife (and daughter) deeply - taking time together to build up your marriage is not a sign of weakness or even an act of "failure prevention", it is the act of a responsible couple who value each other, and their future together and who want the best for each other.

Dave