2nd Time Around

[Sad_in_Cornwall]

Hi

I'm really looking for some advice on what to do.

My husband and I have been married 10 years and have a 4 year old daughter.

18 months ago he had an affair with an older customer of his. I found out by going through his text messages and found some very explicit messages to her. I was very hurt and depressed as I've always had self-confidence issues and this set me back a long way. However, he promised it had been nothing serious, that he hadn't actually had sex with her and that she was lonley as her husband had left. So, we agreed to carry on, but we'd lost the trust.

Recently he's been acting in exactly the same way, very distant to me, grumpy and unfriendly. We've never had a great sex life but it was always relatively regular but this has almost dried up totally. I really want another baby, and he said he did, but doesn't initiate sex and I feel too unconfident most of the time.

Anyway, he's also been deleting all his text messages, and last week I found a letter to a younger, very attractive co-worker in his jeans pockets, telling her that he wanted to initate an affair, that he loved me but like a friend, that he felt like I raped him every time we had sex, but he'd never leave because of our daughter.

Again, I confronted him, and asked him to leave. He says he's not actually having an affair (actually I don't believe him). He says he wants to try again, and that he does love me. He's phoned Marriage Counselling but we can't get an appointment till after Christmas.

However, he's made no effort to change, is still treating me in the same way, like a friend, and we've only had sex once, which I feel was a sort of appeasment, ie, to keep me quiet and happy.

I don't know what to do or where to turn. I don't want my marriage to end but I can't live in a loveless marriage just because he doesn't want to leave our daughter.

Anyone got any advice please?

Rae

[danielx]

Dear Sad_in_Cornwall,

Your husband seems confused. He is acting guilty, although it is not clear that he is necessarily having an affair. His treatment of you is wrong and must be hurting your self-confidence. The letter you found in his pocket is strange: if you write a letter to someone, then you give it to them or send it to them - you don't walk around with it in your pocket. Maybe he was trying to find the courage or opportunity to pass it on, maybe he subconsciously wanted you to find it, perhaps it is just a private fantasy of his. Whatever it may be, it is not evidence of an affair.

Your main issue, as I see it, is your self-confidence. Your first responsibility is to yourself, then your daughter, then your husband and then your marriage. It could be argued that your first duty is to your child, but you cannot do much for her unless you can stand firm, so you put yourself and your security first. Concentrate on your independant strength.

You must develop clear plans of your own courses of action. Marriage Counselling is good, but it might fail. In any case, you need to enter into it with a clear idea of what your goals are. If you plot your course, then you are making a stand for your own independance - your husband may, or may not, want that - it doesn't really matter. What is important is that you do not become a slave to his rather erratic behavior, by which I mean reacting to it, rather than developing your own consistent approach.

I don't really think your husband knows what he wants, so you must be clear about what you want. He will have the opportunity to fit in with that, if he wishes. It may be that he has lost his way - it often happens - in that case, you must be clear on where you are and where you are going. He may just need to find strength in you because his has failed.

I hope that is of some help. Personally, I would recommend the marriage counselling as soon as possible - it is not always easy for two people to be sufficiently detached to see the real issues between them in their relationship.

I wish you well with it

DX

[Sad_in_Cornwall]

DanielX

Thanks for this. You're the second person to suggest that he'd left it in his pocket so that I'd find it, especially as I always check as a matter of course before doing the washing.

He feels that because he hasn't actually done anything that he hasn't betrayed me, but he has as he had every intention of going through with it, well OK I don't know that but why else have the letter.

I agree that Marriage Counselling is the first step, but do you think I should be pushing him to talk to me about this, or should I back down until we can get to see someone? I had suggested that we talk tonight as I want to understand why he hasn't made any effort to change despite a long conversation last week when he said he would.

Half of me just wants him out of the house, but the sensible half knows this wouldn't be fair on him or more importantly our daughter - but is that the doormat version of me talking?

Finally, any ideas about what I should suggest with regard to the work colleague? She's actually his boss where he contracts. Work is difficult to come by down here and he really enjoys working there, but I feel sick every time he goes to work now, as what's to say he's not carrying on the affair? Should I ask him to leave?

Thanks
R

[danielx]

Rae,

I don't think you should push him on this. He may not want to change, he may not know how to change, but I think you are probably too close to the problem to be effective in this case. Leave it for marriage counselling, where you have an independant arbiter.

You don't know why he had the letter, so forget about it. It is a destabilising influence on you, so is best not thought about. You say that your husband enjoys his work and this is a good thing. It may be that he finds his work a comfort to him and something within his control and maybe he does not feel the same about his home life. Work may give a framework and structure to his life which he finds lacking elsewhere. If this is true, then it is a good argument for you to take a stronger position at home.

You say that the colleague is his boss. This is interesting, contrasting his work life with his home life. Symbolically, she may well be your counterpart at work. This tends to back up the idea that he is confused emotionally and in this context other things would seem to make more sense. It may also be that these feelings he believes he has for her are really only displaced feelings for you.

It is unlikely, I think, that they are having an affair: the letter was left in his pocket and discovered by you. It clearly was not delivered and, if they were having an affair, then it would serve no purpose. Added to this, she is his boss and this kind of relationship could jeopardise both of their jobs. He enjoys his job, so is unlikely to risk it and she is unlikely to risk compromising her position and authority. If he is only contracting, then he is doubly vulnerable. So do not worry about him going to work.

DX

[Sad_in_Cornwall]

Thanks Daniel

What you've said actually makes a lot of sense. I agree that it takes someone detached from the emotion involved to see what's actually happening.

The worry that he's actually having an affair comes from the "heart" part of me, not the "head", and I can see that what you say is logical.

I'm going to do as you say, back off and wait for the counselling sessions. I have found some good information on here about why he had these feelings and had intended to give this to him as I thought it was a very good simple explanation. What do you think?
R

[danielx]

Rae,

No one likes to feel that they are under the microscope. Everyone likes to feel that they are in control of their own destiny, though in practice that control is usually severely limited. We are all puppets, of a kind, and the strings are many and various in nature.

What you show your husband is your choice, but if he is feeling vulnerable, it is not the time to show him the strings. It emphasizes entrapment and the loss of personal control. Different people behave in different ways in this type of situation, so it is a dangerous approach.

DX