i'm so confused

[joanne nieman]

Hi,

This is my first thread, so sorry if I end up rambling on.

I have been with my husband for 13 years and married for 9, we have a seven year old little boy.

We have been having problems now for five years on and off and we we have separated twice. We always go back to each other, maybe for the wrong reasons, for our son and to save on all the changes he would have to suffer. If i'm honest the last few years have been a total nightmare, it's been a rollercoaster ride and I don't know how I've got through it. I work full time and take most of the childcare on myself and my hubby works shifts, I'm exhausted most of the time.

I suffered from post natal depression after having my little boy and since then I have been on and off anti depressants, I've worked really hard to get where I am now, in the middle of all this I lost my sex drive and this is bascially what has destroyed my marriage.

My husband no longer thinks it's worth romancing me, cuddling me or at times showing me any respect, I feel like I'm just there. It's only for the week after we've made love that he's nice to me and it truly breaks my heart, it's like nothing else I do gets noticed.

Right now, all I want to do is be settled, I wish someone could give me the answers, I'm only 33 and what if these problems are still continuing in another five/ten years.

I feel incredibly sad, scared lost and lonely, it all seems to be too much to deal with and at the end of the day, it's going to be my decision whether we stay together or not.

[teacherman]

Talk to him - Tell him how you are feeling.

I acted the same as your husband and left things to long to fix.
I wish my wife would have talked to me about how she was feeling before things got too far and there was no return.

If your husband loves you and you can explain things in a calm and rational way he will understand.

Communication is the key to any succesful relationship, without it you will flounder and the problems will fester.

Good luck
Keep posting on here - most of us are going through similar situations and have looads of acvice which is worth taking.

Hopefully you can sort out your relationship before it gets to bad

Teacherman

[joanne nieman]

Teacherman,

Thanks so much for replying, it helps to know other people have been in the same situation.

The thing is, I have tried talking to him, leaving notes, messages, cards and things seem to improve temporarily and then slip back again. We are so different, I just don't know if we are compatible anymore.

I'm at the point where i think we would both be happier apart and that our son is starting to pick up on our negative vibes, it's just so scary the thought of starting again.


Talk to him - Tell him how you are feeling.

I acted the same as your husband and left things to long to fix.
I wish my wife would have talked to me about how she was feeling before things got too far and there was no return.

If your husband loves you and you can explain things in a calm and rational way he will understand.

Communication is the key to any succesful relationship, without it you will flounder and the problems will fester.

Good luck
Keep posting on here - most of us are going through similar situations and have looads of acvice which is worth taking.

Hopefully you can sort out your relationship before it gets to bad

Teacherman

[Raymond]

Don't give up so easily. A lot of people feel they may be incompatible and then get through. Try and get some respect for yourself and who you are. It is not his job to fix you all the time. He seems to have his weaknesses as well. Marriage is a partnership. Try and stay positive and helpful but don't crawl. That doesn't encourage respect. Don't let the fear of the future affect you in the wrong way. Fear can be devastating. If you look after yourself and try and enjoy life, love will take care of itself. Men are weak as well. They can be afraid of being left single, so just keep loving him and yourself and have the satisfaction that you have done your best.

Remember love is an act more than a feeling.

Raymond

[longestday]

Hi Joanne,

Like Tim, I'm facing up to starting again after the end of a long marriage. While you're still together, and talking there's a good chance you can work out what's happening. I reckon being different is not a problem, but expecting that your husband's needs can be met in the same way yours can be a problem.

People often have a very different list of things that make them feel loved. What is vital for you might be bottom of his list, and vice versa. It won't be easy to sit down and share your lists with each other without getting in to arguments etc, but don't give up! Looking back on lost chances to grow your love, and heal each others' hurts is the worst feeling ever

In our case we fell down mainly on communication. It's so sad cos I love her and she still loves me, but I think we were both afraid to open up and risk more hurt and rejection. You have to be brave and be totally honest with him, and he with you.

I'm rambling a bit, but I wish you all the best Joanne,

LD

[joanne nieman]

thank you so much, I wish I would have done this a long time ago.

I tried talking to my husband briefly this morning, but we simply butted heads again he thinks it's me and I think it's him, it seems like the simplest of things rock us. Sometimes when I try to talk to him it seems to make matters worse, I feel like I just annoy him.

You would think after 13 years I would know how to be with him, but sometimes he is a like a closed book and its hard for him to open up to me. I want to make him feel loved and secure but I can't do that if I don't feel like he appreciates me and still loves me the way he used to, he assures me he does, but he just doesn't show it anymore, we don't hold each other, we don't laugh anymore.

I'm going to sit down with him tonight and try and lay my cards on the table and be very honest with him, I think that maybe I've told him things will change that many times and they haven't, that he has lost all confidence in me and I so want him to believe in me again.

x

[Raymond]

Sometimes we are loving people but it isn't perceived as everyone seems to have a different love language. We tend to love in the way that we would like to be loved instead of how the other person wants to be loved.

There are five basic love languages with sub dialects. These are:

Words of affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch

It took me years to discover that my wife's main love language was physical touch (I,m not talking about sex, that is important as well) I mean hugs a kiss here and there etc. etc. Once I learned that, she felt much more loved because I was speaking her language. There are different combinations but if you can discover his love language you will be able to convey love by a decision of your will. It's part of growing together. A clue to his love language is the way he conveys love (when he does). If he gives a lot of gifts it may mean that that is his love language. It doesn't have to be expensive more the thought. It's not my primary love language, but of course I don't mind rceiving gifts. I think mine is words of affirmation and my wife has learned to do that.

If you need to know more there is a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman which can be obtained on the internet.

Raymond

[joanne nieman]

thanks for your reply Raymond

We talked last night and to cut a very long story short, we both admitted we were very unhappy and were not sure if we could change things. We didn'd really come to any final conclusion, I think it's too painful for either one of us to make the final break.

What do I do??? I feel incredibly trapped and insecure, I don't think I even know if I want to try anymore, what if we split up and it ends up being the worst thing I've ever done?

[longestday]

Hello Joanne,

Would you and your husband be willing to try counselling? Sometimes a trained professional can guide you through to the truth better than you could alone. It's possible of course that the 'truth' you arrive at could involve you admitting your relationship is over. On the other hand, counselling might reveal where your problems are, and how best to tackle them together.

I would urge you not to make any final decisions till you've tried this - separation makes any kind of resolution almost impossible, as you have found before.

good luck,

LD

[Raymond]

Hi Joanne. You both seem to be going through the same thing. Counseling cannot do any harm which longest day has mentioned, although I don't think any counselor has the right to say the marriage is over. Don't take that as the last word.

You are both growing through this even though you probably cannot see it. Where there is a will there is a way. You are growing closer than you think if you are both making the effort. Don't wait until it's too late to realise this. The real danger is when one of you gives up. That's the killer. So as long as you are making little steps forward you are both adjusting and growing. Don't always go by your feelings. Love is an act. You can do it and come out on the other side enriched.

Raymond

[joanne nieman]

raymond/longest day,

Hi and thank you so much for your replies.

Last night we both talked again mainly because our little boy asked us 'what all the shouting was about' the night before, he said it made him sad and it showed both of us that we need to sort this out and quick.

We talked for a long time and basically we both said that we have going through this for that long that we can't just go on and on hurting each other. I suggested counseling and he said he couldn't see how it would help, I tried to explain that they are professionals trained to deal with people in our predicament. He is very guarded so I think it's hard for him to understand.

I went to bed and cried and tried to make sense of what was happening. When I woke up this morning, he looked at me and said that he loved me very much but he didn't think I could change, we are both hurting an awful lot, but if there is a way I can work to save our marriage then I'll do it, but what if I can't regain my sex drive and he drifts further away, I will have lost my marriage because of something I don't seem to have any control over.

[Raymond]

Cheer up Joanne. The only person who can change you is you and the only person who can change him is him. Try and keep loving him in practical ways. The best way for him to change is to feel your love but there are no guarantees of course.

There are ways to keep sex alive until you feel awakened. I'm sure there are things you can do for him so that he doesn't get frustrated. If he can have patience with you the drive will come back. We are all selfish people and most of the marriage problems come back to this. We all have to continue loving even when it seems mechanical.

Raymond

[joanne nieman]

Hi Raymond,

A lot of your comments have been really useful, thank you.

I am determined to make this work and I think we both realise that it's going to be team effort.

We've talked a lot and I think we just need to concentrate on the fact that we both want different things, I need to try and relax and concentrate on what is most important.

fingers crossed

[longestday]

Joanne,

Sounds positive!

good luck,

LD

[joanne nieman]

Hi Longestday

thank you for good luck message, lets hope it works.

Have a great Christmas
x

[Raymond]

Just reading through again Joanne and thinking that you need to be relieved of too much pressure if possible. One of the things is work. One can work well without taking the pressure of things. Pressure has the wrong affect and we end up working worse as well as our health being affected. Personally I do my work unto God regardless of who is watching and He is the rewarder of our work ultimately. It relieves so much pressure when you have too much to do, with bad management as well. If you are doing your best at work that is all you can do. Try and get enough rest as well.

The other big pressure you are getting is "If you don't perform I'm leaving". This is very frustrating as that pressure works against the very object it seeks to achieve. Sex is something we do for enjoyment, intimacy and out of love. It is not fair that he is doing this, but I wouldn't dwell on that too much. It won't help. Nobody is perfect.

You need loving all round Joanne not just in the bedroom and it appears you are not getting it. You need to feel really good about yourself and you will be surprised how much better a sexual partner you will be, but he needs to love you not just as a sexual partner.

I read this in a book the other day:

"For a wife, sex comes out of affection. she doesn't want to be affectionate with a man who makes her feel angry, hurt. lonely, disappointed, overworked, unsupported, uncared for, or abandoned. But for a husband sex is pure need. His eyes, ears, brain and emotions get clouded if he doesn't have that release. He has trouble hearing anything his wife says or seeing what she needs when that area of his being is being neglected. Wives sometimes have it backwards. They think. We can have sex after we get these other issues settled. But actually there is a far greater chance of settling the other issues if sex comes first." Stormie Omartion.

Somehow a balance has to be struck between you. You both have needs which have to be worked out. One can see the give and take necessary. I still hope it can be worked out and it will be if you both really want it enough and he is able to give you the love you deserve and you are able to adjust to him (yes even more) as a person.

Raymond