after 15 years!

[sadagain]

Hi all, 7 weeks ago my husband left to live in a flat. His job is very stressful and he works really hard. The problem is he ignored me. I would say something he would take offence and then he would not speak to me for days, then weeks then months. His favourite saying if I asked him to do something for me was, “you get a job that pays as much as my job and I ill go part time” I used to work part time and have only recently gone full time. We have 3 brilliant kids aged 10-14. He used to think I was having an affair at work. I never have any time on my own, in 15 years of marriage I have only been two nights out on my own once with my friend that was dying and the second time with my work.That night had 40 missed calls on my mobile, 3 messages starting by accusing me and finally saying I do love you can you please call. I had missed the first calls as I was in a restaurant and did not hear the phone ring. But when I got the accusing message I ignored it and say the funny side as I was drinking wine! But I really do get no time on my own, if i went to the shops i had to take the kids with me!.
7 years ago my husband admitted to “snogging someone else” I thought more went on but I forgave him but told him if it happened again he would be out!
The constant ignoring and he was smoking about 30 a day and drinking 10 tins of beer every night started to get to me. He would not go out anywhere as a family. And he always fell asleep on the couch and came to bed about 4 in the morning. There had not been any physical contact for 9 months and he would not talk to me in the house only text.
So in July I told him id had enough and went I was tired of feeling neglected so I told him I still cared but I did not have the feelings I should have, I wanted to have them. All my life I have worked around the Kids always there for them after school. I worked part time when they were in school. I did this so he could get on in his career.
We went to marriage counselling in July, the first one went ok and the second one he came out really upset. From then it was a downward spiral. He cried every night and lost a lot of weight. He then refused to go back or got to another one together. I eventually got him to go to one himself. He blamed the original counsellor for the way he was. After his first session with the new counsellor he came home I listened. Ok until he said you have to tell me how you feel. He did not listen when I said I do care but we need to talk. He refused to talk till I told him how I felt. (He would text me when I was in the house but would not talk to me). He then started sleeping on the couch every night. Ignoring me all the time. I asked for a trial separation and he said no if I go its permanent. There was no middle ground. Months of living like that I flipped and told him to go and get a flat. He did, and before he paid the deposit I told him this is not the outcome I wanted. I said I wanted us to be happy together and enjoy being a family. He said I don’t give a Flying F***. He left the next Tuesday. Through out this time he was accusing me of saying things i didnt, taking things way out of context. (i though i was going mad but my daughter assured me he was wisting things i said)
I went away with my dad and Son for a few days and I told my husband if he wanted to I could still see him and start again by dating. He said he wanted that and text me to say he would arrange something special. I could not make it home that weekend but he would not go out for a meal with me on the Sunday.
The next weekend I said I could go out on Sat night till 11pm I would leave the kids at his Dads. That was not good enough if I wanted to go out it would have to be all night he was not clock watching.
Then the texts stopped he has hardly seen the kids since he left. I sussed out he had someone else. He came around on the Tuesday and told the kids he would not be coming back and was going to start seeing other women. Last weekend it hit me like a bolt and I lost 10lbs in weight. Why could he not change for me and the kids but would talk to this other girl? (im 36 and she is early 20s he is 34). All I wanted him to do was talk?
So I called him and asked him why and he said the counsellor wrecked his head and left him feeling suicidal and he cant go back to the way he was before. If he came back and it went wrong he would end up killing himself.
My kids were devastated so was I, He is the only one I have ever loved and I have always been 100% faith full. He would not admit to seeing anyone so I called his bluff after finding out he spent money in a ladies shop. He said she was a friend who made him laugh? He spent most of his pay with her in one weekend.
Last week he came around at 10.30 to give something to my daughter, He said I better not come in as your Mam is angry.
I phoned him and asked him to come back so I could speak to him. He admitted he was seeing this girl but it was not serious. He said he could not come back. I told him im not going to fight about this with you , I want to be friendly for the Kids sake, I only wished he had not given the Kids and I false hope of reconciliation.
I’ve found out he’s being seeing the girl for 4 weeks and has stopped smoking, drinking and has taken her away for a week, bought her heaps of stuff. He has lost weight wears trendy clothes and changed his appearance.
My kids, My oldest hates him and will not talk to him, my second is always asking him for stuff and says he is making her feel special when he never used to. My youngest cant understand why his Dad does not bother. If their lucky he will take them for an hour for a burger and will spend the whole time texting his Girlfriend. I know he is sending money way beyond his means.
He will not speak to me, he blames me for the kids being upset and wont speak to me about the kids. The last time I went out to speak to him he turned his radio up on the car so he could not hear me and drove off.
His nails are still bitten right down , and he is on Zyban to stop him smoking (which ive been told is and anti depressant)
He wont tell me who the other girl is as “we will never meet her?”.
I know he is highly stressed at work, but why did he not try to make it work and why does he blame the Counsellor. He is now doing all the things I wanted him to do but not with us with someone else? If we went shopping he would walk 6 feet in front and moan. The shops he went to with this girl were the ones I wanted him to come shopping with me to.
I know I could have been more caring to him when he was upset but I always did that and he soon reverted back ,this time I needed him to know I meant it. He was trying to give me a cuddle but I told him no till he started communicating. Another thing I got a good job 5 years ago and have been promoted a few times and I have been scared to tell him as he would go strange and ignore me so I had to sop telling him
I do feel really sad but I know 5 months ago I was shattered with it all I felt lonely tired and unloved. All I’ve ever wanted is to feel loved talked to and spend time together and as a family. I keep thinking if he really wanted it he would have tried .Don’t get me wrong I have my faults too.
The other thing is when we went on famiky trips he would never swivh of his work mobile and would get calls from customers, me and the kids would stand waiting for ages till he finished. We went for 4 days to disneyland and he turned it off for two days and he was a realy nice relaxed person!
He is also bad mouthing me at his work saying i pushed him out.

Has anyone ever come across this type of behavior?

[aqua]

Hi sadagain

I'm so sorry to hear of your problems.

Yes, a lot of us have experienced this kind of scenario and we can sympathise with what you're going thru.

His behaviour I think is one of guilt and cowardice. That's why he's bad mouthing you. He doesn't want to face up to the fact that he is destroying his family life. Guilt transferance. He wants to blame everybody but him self. He might be suffering some form of depression, but I don't think that excuses his behaviour.

Just my two penneth worth.

I know it's going to be very very hard for you but try and be strong for you and the kids. Make sure you have someone to lean on when the going gets tough

Take care
aqua

[longestday]

Hello sadagain,

You must be a very strong, and loyal wife to put up with his behaviour as long as you have.

I sympathise with you in what is a very difficult situation. I can't really offer anything but a couple of observations:

1. He sounds very insecure to me: trying to keep you at home, and using 'the silent treatment' as a way to try to control you. The fact that you couldn't share your job success is another clue to this - he should be proud of you and happy to share in your success, but instead you felt you had to keep quiet about it when you should have been shouting it from the rooftops and going out as a couple to celebrate.

2. He also seems more than a bit of an 'addictive' type. 10 tins of beer a night is a serious amount, and if this had been going on a long time, then giving up will also cause some serious effects. If he's given up two addictions (beer and cigs), and gained a new one (other woman) he's going to be in a very strange place (of his own making) at the moment.

I agree with aqua on the guilt transference. Lashing out at you is cowardly. He needs to face his own problems square on, but getting involved with an OW is sidestepping this. It's possible the counsellor started to uncover some of your H's problems, and your H felt overwhelmed by this.

Please don't start looking inside yourself for blame here - I've been there and it's no use at all. This situation is down to him, not you.

You'll waste tons of your own emotional energy mentally 'sorting this whole mess out' when that energy needs reserving for you and your children.

Look after number one!

LD

[sadagain]

Hi Aqua and Longestday

Many thanks for your kind replies.

Its so hard to get all the thoughts out of my head, it keeps going round in my mind could i have done more? also how could he dramatcaly change for his new girlfriend in those first two weeks and not for his family. The kids had even asked him on many occasions to stop drinking so much (he had been drinking 8-10 tins every night for the last 5 years!) His personality had changed to one of a Jekyll and Hyde.

But what upsets me the most is the way he seems to hate me? Will not speak at all. The Kids hardly see him. He has told his Dad he will start to see them once our seperation agreement is through and i pay him off!

He seems that as a line drawn under everything.

Once that goes through next week i have to sell the house staight away and buy something smaller.

Hes just walked out cut us off and will not help with the mess thats left behind?

Sad thing is in all these break ups its always the Children that come out the worst. At the moment he texts my middle child and keeps sending money to her. The other two dont get that at all? Ive told him its causing ill feeling between them and he looks at that as me having a go at him. My daughter that gets everything says she knows she is being teated differently but this is the first time he has ever made her feel special and she does not want that to stop? The other two do feel rejected by him, and although i reassure them i know deep down they are really are hurting.

I do hope he realises what he is doing at some point, at the moment he is on cloud nine. If he carries on treating the kids the way he does he will completley lose their trust.

I suppose only time will tell............

[longestday]

Hi sadagain,

Sorry to hear how he's treating your children at the moment. This might just change when he starts to see them more regularly, because he'll see the effect of unequal treatment directly.

Whatifs and Ifonlys will wear you right down if you let them. You're trying to change a movie plot by playing it over and over to see if the ending will be different. It's a tough one to stop. I still do it from time to time. I think its about the size of investment you've made in each other.

I seriously doubt he hates you at all, but it's much easier for him to behave as if he does. It's more likely he's lost his own self respect (despite appearances), and is doing the blame thing again, and blaming you for how he feels about himself.

Hold your head high - you've done nothing wrong.

take care,

LD x

[sadagain]

Thanks Longestday, I was down the street last night with my Son, and there is my Husband with his girlfriend! He knew that we were there as he had called my daughter to see were we were. (i did not know till i got home)
He looked at me and had this huge smirk on his face! sad thing is she is such a young pretty wee thing and i hope he does not start treating her the same way.
One thing i have noticed is he is always out shopping with her, he has spent £3k this last month just on shopping! ( this is a guy that would never shop!) He was following her around the shop buying her what she wanted!
I cant understand what someone that young can see in someone like him? Looking back I only put up with the way he was, to try and have a "family" life for the kids? If i did not have the kids i would have left him years ago.
Do women stick with men just for money?
My poor son was with me and he like the other two cant understandwhy hes being like this.
Husband has told me he has had to take a loan out to survive, i know this is not true as he has has a backdated wage rise. He has more money left after bills than me and the kids!
So he still continues to lie.

One question i have though, what upsets me is he is going through life enjoying every minute, whilst me and the kids are picking up the pieces. He made my life misery for years.
The way he smirked was as if to say "look at me" (my son noticed too)

Do they fall on their face? I mean does " what goes around comes around" really happen?
I do hope so (i know that sounds bad) I want him to feel like we feel........

[longestday]

Hi sadagain,

This 'relationship' of his won't last, and he'll eventually have to face up to himself in the cold light of day. Sounds like he'll also have to face up to some hefty credit card bills as well.

It will probably be your door he knocks on when this happens, so be prepared!

stay strong

LD

[sadagain]

Thanks longestday, that really helps,
What an emotional rollercoaster...... Its like a grieving process!

So on friday i got m first night out in 5 years, It was a nice night, but my kids were 50 miles away a my mams. So when i came home my house was empty. I sat and cried for ages till i fell asleep, repeating why me? what have i done? The pain is crushing, I really did love him so much.

Saturday i went to pick my kids up and went of the road in the car, due to me crying. I managed to get it back on the road before i caused any damage. That was a wake up call, minutes earlier i had thought of going of the road for this pain to go away.

My kids, bless them are brilliant, my son cuddled me the moment i got in.

Sunday was another sad day, but i had to study hard for my exam on monday. Going to my exam on monday i cried, i has been doing this for us but he resented me doing them. He seen it as a threat?

After i went to my counsellor. He was good he reminded me how bad it was and how his behavior was not normal. So i came out stronger.

Tuesday and Wednesday, i fought with myself trying to get my head together for the kids. I need to pick myself up.

So this morning i went into work, and heres an email (had to read it to believe it) from this really nice guy in another department, asking me if i was single would i like to go for a drink? Wow hes a nice looking lad about my age and has also seperated with a couple of kids?
I emailed back to say that it was really nice and it brought a smile to me. but i was not ready for that yet but i will in th future, just the timings not right. At the moment the kids dont see their dad as he does not bother and they need all the reasurance they can get. Plus im not emotionally ready for that yet. So i would ot be fair on either of us.

So i mentioned this to my kids (i tell them everything so there is no suprises) My son says go for it mam, then said "i got over dad 2 weeks ago so should you mam" What a boy!

So today i also found out my husband is seeing someone he used to work with, that makes a lot of sense. He had been texting someone before he left, and my 14 year old daugher said back then " Mam hes been having an affair".

So week 7 since he has been living with her, he has now spent £4K on shopping alone (not including bills, mainenence or rent). Every thursday night, friday, saturday and sunday he is shopping.

It still hurts but today i realised something.
I got asked out for just being me, i was not even looking it was the last thing on my mind! He on the other hand has spent £4K with her.
Yes hes cut back smoking, drinking lost weight and buying expensive clothes. But at a price.And how long can he keep it up?

Me on the other hand, I have something money cant buy that he is losing daily, I have the love and respect of my children. There is nothing on this planet that means more to me than that!

Will he try to come back? my daughter (Miss Marples) reckons he will, but im not so sure. Will i take him back? not now. Ive found out he has told me and the kids some amount of lies. Plus he has been sleepng with someone else. so the trust has gone.

I feel much better tonight, i hope i can keep this frame of mind through christmas and New Year. Then i can make 2008 a fresh start.

Thanks for all the kind posts i get, it really does help me through this.

[longestday]

Hi sadagain,

You're right about the rollercoaster. I'd add only one thing to that - it's like riding a rollercoaster in the dark where you can't see in advance when the next turn is coming.

It's great to have the love and support of your kids while going through this nightmare - - as you say, that's the real stuff. He's giving up a lot in my opinion.

You sound much more positive!

I hope you and the kids have a peaceful, loving Christmas and you can start 2008 in a positive frame of mind.

LD

[danielx]

Hi sadagain,

I think your husband has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). This is a very distressing and disturbing condition, especially for those close to the sufferer. My wife has it and you will not believe what I have been through! It can manifest itself in many different ways, but I think I recognise the basic patterns here.

I suggest you do some research yourself (i.e. on google) and see if the symptoms fit.

DX

[sadagain]

Hi Danielx
I have checked the web for that! Wow that is it to a T. You are right that is exactly what he shows symtoms of. Also i think he has a touch of the Narcissm one too, Lack of empathy and being Selfish. He had an addiction to Beer and was a heavy smoker, but i believe he has cut right down as he is on Champix. But to substitute that he is still spending like mad and has also bought a £16K car on credit (he gets a free company car already so does not need one) its a sporty thing. Luckly i got the seperation agreement through and paid him £20k. So I can keep a roof over the Kids heads when he gets ino debt. Which the way he is going seems inevitable. He still picks fault in everything i say still twisting my every word. He has taken great pleasure in telling me how great his new GF is and how she is so good for him.

The aloneness part of the BPD i can relate to, he left his mams house to live with me. So has never had to be alone. He never left my side the whole time we went out. Then when we got married he changed overnight. Thats when the ignoring started. Also when i got my job 5 years ago the accusations started.

His dad said when he met this girl (who i have just found out worked with him up until August, he actually used to come home and say "she is not all there" and "rubbish at her job") it was lke a switched had flicked, he is now clinging to her the whole time and totally "in love" with her.

Danielx i cant thank you enough for giving me the insight into this, at one point i doubted my own sanity, i believed that the relationship was "normal" when i know now it was far from that. I have always thought he suffered depression, His Mam has been in and out of hospital for at least 16years since i have known her with depression and she has it very serious at times.

I only hope you are managing to get support for yourself. It does lower your self esteem, being the partner to a sufferer. It also leaves yo feeling lonley, bemused and sad.

Longestday, thankyou for your kind words, im finally getting back up "the ladder". My kids are more settled now. I did get myself on a downward spiral, and i could not pick myself up. But this last week has made me realise, what i have got and if he did come back it would not change. He would pull me and the kids down.

He was supposed to put his £20K towards a house, but the amount of HP and Credit cards he is buildidng up he will not get a decent Mortgage. Therefore he will be lucky to get a 1 bedroom flat.

Dont get me wrong i still care about him (but i dont want him back) and i am worried what is going to happen, like will he get into debt will his GF leave and worst of all will he start the Suicide threats again.

Sad thing is again, he is making it hard as the kids will not be able to stay if he has no room. He said he will not see the kids till after Christmas when things settle down?

He also said he did not tell us who she was because she was going through an emotional time and he did not want to upset her. I said, that to choose the feelings of your new GF over your own kids feelings?

I truly wish the people that break up marriages in this way for the sake of "fun" realised the impact it has on the children.

Im now looking forward to Christmas and 2008, The future of my kids and i is now in my hands, and i will do the best i can to give them what we had wanted for them.

I hope you both have a lovley Christmas and very best and kindest wishes for the New year.

X

[danielx]

Thanks, sadagain. I am pleased to be of help - I know how demoralising it can be. In terms of self-esteem, I don't have a problem, but it can be very difficult reading the signs correctly and it can be bewildering knowing what to do for the best. Fortunately, my wife does realize that she has this problem and does make some effort to do something about it and I do understand that it is, actually, very difficult for her. When she's in one of her 'moods', she doesn't really care and is not always thinking straight anyway.

She tells me that I have a crazy wife, and I guess that I do. I love her very much and, at her best she's the kindest sweetest person that I have ever known. However, paradoxically, she is also the nastiest and most vindictive person I have ever known. She has had a very unhappy childhood and, for a period of time, was raped repeatedly by a family member. She can be insanely jealous of any relationships that I have with women, and sometimes with men. The relationships, I hasten to add, are simply ones of friendship but she doesn't understand that. She is very fearful of rejection.

Confusingly, she also has fantasies concerning me with another woman, which excite her sexually and sometimes she likes to talk about. Sometimes I find this inconsistency rather difficult to handle and have to spend so much effort on it intellectually that I find it difficult to respond sexually to her and that causes more problems.

But it's an interesting life.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you, too.

DX

[sadagain]

Hi Danielx

im so sorry, you have been through so much. But you must be a pretty special person to stick by your wife through thick and thin.

I seem to be going through good and bad days at the moment.
He came round on thursday and dropped presents of for the kids, about £500 worth each! Sad thing is that i cannot compete with that, he can onky do this as he got his £20k out of the house. The other thing that really upsets me is he text my daughter (the only one he texts) and said that is new girlfriend would take her out for the day sometime?

Saying that my mam said to me, wait and see. He has bought them heaps of Christmas presents but he has only spoken to them 2 times this month. Once for 2 min when he dropped a form of and once when he dropped the presents off. My son refused to go through and talk to him, hes 11. He alway wanted a Father son relationship but never got it.

Why is it all the things i asked for to make us a better family is he going to do now with and for his girlfriend but he would not do with me?

He wold moan if i asked him to drop our son of at football, because he wanted to sit dowm and drink...
Hes now cut his drinking right back....
Treating his GF well (if he'd have done that with me instead of ignoring me and having a go and mistrusting me, it would have been great)...
Finishing work on time to go shopping and spend time with her. (if i asked it was "i need to work" "you get a job that pays as much as mine and i will go part time").

It makes you want to break down and cry!
But to change so dramatically
Designer Clothes...
Drinking Less...
Fancy Car......
Weight Loss...
Cutting back at work...

And he is 34 and his GF is 22...

But to not want to spend any time with the kids, just text and buy them stuff, i cannot comprehend. I would go to the ends of the earth for my kids.

His dad said it was like a switch had been flicked. He was all for gettng back together as a family then he met her and at that point had no feelings for me and began the nastiness and hate. (he had known her through work but there was seemingly nothing betwen then thim 2.5 weeks after he moved out)

Will it last? has anyone seen someone go through such a transformation?

I dont want him back, but i would like him to understand the hurt he has left behind, not only for me but to my kids, they are really suffering. I can be strong for them but i know deep down they are really hurting...

I any one has been in a similar situation, please help me understand it. I feel confused and even angry with it. Christmas is making me feel worse. He is still manipulating and controlling the things he is doing....
x

[danielx]

Dear sadagain,

Will it last? Probably not. He is most likely trying to prove that it was not him at fault and always had the power to make things different. He may be treating his GF better, but you don't really know. He probably feels that he has to make more of an effort to keep her, but in time he will resent this and blame her for it. He is likely to start becoming jealous of her and her friendships and then the cycle will start again.

I doubt that your children will be fooled by all this. Children know when affection is being bought.

Be happy for him for now. Don't bother about wanting him to realise the harm that he has done - there is no point. He carries his own troubles with him and when he realises that then he may gain some insight, but until that time, I do not think he really understands what he is doing. He is deluding himself because it is less painful that way.

Manipulation and control is characteristic, but that is weakening now. You are taking back control of your life. You think that he has some way of understanding how you and the children feel - he does not, and you should not blame him for that, because it is not really his conscious choice. Do not increase your emotional investment in this man, not even anger and resentment. Save your resources for what matter - yourself and your children.

Have a good Christmas

DX

[sadagain]

Hi Danielx

Many thanks for your reply, it does help a lot.

Christmas went ok for the kids but i was really down. I kept crying and could not get my head around everything that has happened.

I came home and ive found out his GF is 19 and has Just finished a relationship with another guy that bought her a car and a house together and as soon as the money was done she was off!

The person that told me about it has said it is common knowledge that this girl goes for money and then leaves.

Also My ex has bought this sports car and put her on the insurance which will cost £3k for the year and also has been continually shopping for designer clothes with her. One day he spent £1600? I know he will not be able to sustain that.

So yeaterday after hearing this i felt sorry for him, I get the impression she got him at a very low point and made him feel young again.

My kids are shocked at her age she is 5 years older than my daughter!

So tonight he came around, he text to see if he could see the kids. (funnily he accidentally put 3 kisses at the end) I said yes he can come around. So 20 mins later he appears and even has a coffee, (progress). so when he was leaving i went outside to talk to him without the kids being there (he had been in for about 15mins). I started to tell him how the kids were feeling and said they are hearing things about him from other people (ie the age). Then he got on the defensive and said whos been telling you this? I said it does not matter but now he has been seeing his GF for near 10 weeks it would be better if he sat down and told the kids about her instead of it coming from other people.
He stormed of saying "im a waste of time arnt I" i said i never said that. Then he got in his car and drove off. Then he text me saying how he was going to sort out anyone who he found out has told me anything.
Then started texting how he will go to a solicitor to get the kids visits in black and white. I have always let him see the kids. He texts my daughter to say "ask mam if i can take you out to dinner". Usually an hour or two before he intends to take them out. He has only taken them out for an hour this month and has seen them 3 times twice for 5 mins when he dropped stuff off and todays 15 mins.
I asked him when i was talking to him, why he does not take them for longer. he says i have nowhere to take them for longer. He has a 1 bedroom flat and there is a large sitting room he could take them too. But he refuses to take them there as the GF must be living with him.

So it is a shock to him why he wants to get it in black and white through a solicitor. My kids tonight are upset as they say they dont want to be forced to stay at the flat with his GF there as they are not ready to see her. But i have never stopped him seeing them, i was even asking him tonight to see them more!

But Nasty, he just went off on one when he was texting. Like pure resentment and hate.

He quizzed me about seeing someone else. Which i told him i have no intention of seeing anyone else for at least the next 9 months if even then. My kids are having a hard enough time dealing with things and i dont want to put anymore pressure on them. He said ihe has heard stories about me. Which i replied to him i have never been with or even thought of being with anyone else since the day i met him. My concience is completley clear.

Tonight i remained calm and was not nasty. I only spoke to him so he could understand how the kids were feeling. I wanted him to be honest with them. I really did think he would take the kids feelings on board.

But for him to go mad over nothing, im shocked.

Thats what he has been like for the last 2 years mainly, where he has twisted everything i said. He has this really nasty streak that actually scares me. Any thing i say he twists it into something completly different. I do feel worried as he seems to be focusing all his anger on me?

Ive done nothing to ever make him doubt me. I cant even think what i could have done to make him act like that.

Im bamboozled... I am scared now i dont want him to force through a solicitor, the kids being made to see his GF. I want them to do that when they are ready. Also they are frightened to stay overnight at his as he used to be so bad tempered with them. Saying that, he wont actually let them near his flat?
There is also the financial side of things. He has got his money from the house. My share is tied up in the house. I also have the debts from the marriage to pay off. I will never see any cash as i am in the process of selling the house to buy something smaller as i cant afford the mortgage i have with the additional money i took out to pay him off. My money will go straight into another house for me and the kids. So if i am faced with more legal bills im going to financially sink.
I could understand if i did not let him see the kids but it is him that does not bother? The thing is the kids know that as they have heard me ask him to see them more.

Where will this end? Now i feel sick with worry that my kids are going to be unhappy and we face financial difficulties......

Help me out on this one, Am i unreasonable or am i going mad?

[Alice Alice]

Sadagain
in the mean time find something you like to do ,,such as art, music you know a creative outlet and you might just create a masterpiece
all the best to you and your children

[callow]

Hi Sadagain

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. You sound like a very fair and kind person. Your husband is following a typical pattern. He has a lovely plan that includes everyone accepting his new GF and the kids loving her. It is not going to plan so he gets nasty.

At the moment he is just making threats. I wouldn't say anything more just forget he said it. If you do get a solicitor's letter that is the time to take action. From his past behaviour it doesn't sound like the children are an important part of his life. I know when I said to my husband that I was going to a solicitor he became nasty. I then dropped it and said nothing else. I did go and see several solicitors (most give a 30 min free consultation), but didn't tell him. They confirmed to me that what he was offering was fair.

This behavior of his will pass with time. Keep your head high and don't fall to his level. Do what is best for you and the children.

All the best

Sally

[1aokgal]

Dear Sadagain...

You may not believe what I will tell you now for you are in the grief mode and very angry at what life and a husband dished out for you. It sounds as if you have even a good plan for the financial changes as buying a smaller house so you seem to have a lot of good common sense.

Please view all this as the greatest opportunity in your life to rid yourself of bad material. While you may not see this now you are young enough and smart enough to come through to a better place one day. This is a good time to turn the energy of anger into self improvement and taking care of things so you can make the changes you need to make. When you see the husband don't get into personal dialogue at all.

He tries to hit out at you so he feels less guilty of the break up of the marriage by questioning your activities and friends. He dosen't want youit seems but his ego sure does not want you to find a life. Just tell him when the conversation goes to whether you date or see anyone that your private life is none of his business. I agree with the former assessment that he has a borderline personality or some emotional dysfunctions. The guy is Narcissistic and is interested in only himself. get what you can but don't expect a lot as he is not capable. The kids will see for themselves what a shell of a man he really is. Just do your best but you can't protect them from this facet in life. Kids adapt.

There is life after divorce and you will find if you take good care of yourself and turn the energy into healthy channels and don't waste energy in angry that you will come out intact and one day will have a better chance at finding a partner in life. I think it is likely the sweet young thing will get tired of him and it won't last. Just don't you take him back. This may be the best thing that ever happened to you. When you go through this you believe you will never be happy or love again but one day life will be better for you. Work hard to improve the product (you) and stay healthy and productive. YOu will always have some contacts with him as you have children but make it short and talk only about your issues and nothing else. THe best thing is that he not come there but you meet him for tea and talk so there are no heated discussions. The good idea would be he see the kids at a neutral spot as your mothers or somehwere where there will be no conflict.

I really think you will bless the day it is over. Have a heappy New Year. Don't be sad over such a man. You are worth so much more.
celebrate a better life.


eIt seems the man

[val100]

Hi sad again. Wow we have so much in common. Please read my story. I messed up my marriage because my husband just let me rot on the couch for 3 yrs. We were however great friend and I adored him he says he adored me but I never felt it. He was very immature and acted that way. We moved house and i got so stressed and resentful towards him he wanted the move but I let him let me do it all.
I had an affair and long story short he left.
I feel just like you, reading your words is like hearing my own. I have had the at least I have my kids etc feelings but it doesn't last.
My husband is 34 we have 4 kids and are together 15yrs. He left the hse and in 2 weeks was with a young girl in her 20's moved in with her took her out. Did everything I asked him to do with me. He was a fantastic father but when he left that was it no money for 6 mths, fitted them in when he could but would only visit them at my hse. He spent his wages on her. 3wks ago he said he wanted to come home I stupidly let him. He kept in contact with her, I found out. Last night we fought, it became violent from both of us I found myself on the kitchen floor with broken glass attempting to cut my wrist, He called the police. I am a mess. Now he says that I have reduced us to this and that he is leaving. My kids will be so hurt they weren't coping and I had made the decision to not let him back into our lives because he did this before. I do have hope for my marriage if he would let go of his hurt. The violence will not happen again and my feelings to end it all must be controlled.
I have no advice just support. This is the worst time of my life I want to have my family back but at what cost?
Sadagain I wish our lives were better.

[val100]

Hi sadagain. Wow we have so much in common. Please read my story already posted up. I messed up my marriage. My husband just let me rot on the couch for 3 yrs. We were however great friend and I adored him he says he adored me but I never felt it. He was very immature and acted that way. We moved house and i got so stressed and resentful towards him, he wanted the move but I let him let me do it all.
I had an affair and long story short he left.
I feel just like you, reading your words is like hearing my own. I have had the at least I have my kids etc feelings but it doesn't last.
My husband is 34 we have 4 kids and are together 15yrs. He left the hse and in 2 weeks was with a young girl in her 20's moved in with her took her out. Did everything I asked him to do with me. He was a fantastic father but when he left that was it, no money for 6 mths, fitted them in when he could but would only visit them at my hse. He spent his wages on her. 3wks ago he said he wanted to come home I stupidly let him. He kept in contact with her, I found out. Last night we fought, it became violent from both of us I found myself on the kitchen floor with broken glass attempting to cut my wrist, He called the police. I am a mess. Now he says that I have reduced us to this and that he is leaving. My kids will be so hurt they weren't coping and I had made the decision to not let him back into our lives because he did this before. I do have hope for my marriage if he would let go of his hurt. The violence will not happen again and my feelings to end it all must be controlled.
I have no advice just support. This is the worst time of my life I want to have my family back but at what cost?
Sadagain I wish our lives were better.

Ps there is never an excuse for violence, I do not want to go into what happened on an open forum. I will not act like I did again I will walk away from it, I will not allow him to do it to me either. That is how I know it won't happen again

[sadagain]

Hi All
Many thanks for your kind replies, I do really appreciate it. It’s amazing how many people go through the same thing. It also really helps me to come to grips what’s happening at the moment.
I am sorry I have not been able to post have been getting my house ready to sell, painting, cleaning.
It’s on the market now! And in the first week had an offer! Bit lower than expected but I am holding out.. I have seen a nice house, I viewed it last night, right house right location.... new start for me and the kids! I hope I get it!!!!
So in that respect I have been really strong and focused. Only deep down it still hurts.
I can’t believe all the emotions I go through.... I seen him for the first time with his GF when i was in the local shop, but he did not see us. Do you know, I never felt sad, just sorry for him.... he looked like her dad.
He is still squandering his money, he has managed to spend £21k in 3 months, most of the settlement figure, got a £16K car on credit and bought his GF a Horse!!!!
He now sees the kids once a fortnight for 3 Hrs!!!! He comes around and looks after them when I go to college. (I am determined to get my course completed)
My son broke my heart the other week saying “why does Dad not want to see me any more”... that tore my heart out. He, like his sisters has done nothing wrong, its just their dad is a twit that thinks he is happy. I myself could not comprehend not seeing my kids, and once a fortnight would kill me, but my ex thinks this is ok???? My daughter also said earlier today how she can’t understand why he does not bother.
He text my daughter (now bare in mind he has never told them he has got a GF) saying “ I know how you are feeling , my GF is going through the same thing, her Mam has a new partner”!!!... Like he is the one doing it to his kids at 34 and his GF is 20 and understands???? So I text him asking to be a bit more sensitive to how the kids are feeling and he said, “My GF is a strong Independent woman, she only comes to me when she needs to?” then he says “ I meant in my texts we know how the kids feel as his GF understands as she is going through it” to which I replied “well if she was so good then why did she not tell you to sort it out with your family?”.... He replies how great a person she was, to which I replied that we are not interested in her and he should be more thoughtful to how the kids were feeling and this kind of texting and not speaking to them face to face was cruel. I don’t understand why he can’t just talk to the kids instead of texting. I actually asked him to call the kids every couple of nights to talk to them, but he doesn’t.... What makes a guy cut himself off from his kids? Once a fortnight is hardly enough.
I’ve heard now from 5 different people his GF is a “money grabber” and that her ex she was with for 2 years ended up telling her to go because of her compulsion to shop and she was taking him for a ride. She also was possessive and would not let him out on his own (bit like my ex!). From what I hear she left him in a bit of a financial state.
People keep saying it wont last, but I don’t know, if they are both possessive, then maybe they are perfect matches?
I know I could never take him back. It’s just sometimes I feel a bit down when I think, I’m 36 with 3 kids. I always get told I look good and look like I’m in my mid 20’s, so why do I feel so old and bad about myself? People used to think my ex was in his 40s. He used to say “ you could have any guy you wanted” but I always had told him I did not want anyone else..
I can’t go out easily here, he won’t take the kids at night. So I have to do a 120 round trip to take the kids to Mam’s so I can go out once a Month.
I don’t feel I want to start another relationship for a long time, so how can he move on so easily?... He was head over heals with this girl when he started going out with her. 2-3 weeks after he left. Up until then he was telling me how much he loved me? And wanted it to work!!!! Saying the kids and I were his life?
So if any of you guys are reading this what makes a guy switch so quickly? And he talks to me like I’m dirt one minute and a friend the next?
My elderly friend said “for a guy to get involved that quick and that obsessed, then hi s feelings are not true.. I don’t know what he meant and I did not like to ask, but I was intrigued, to what he meant?
I’m sorry this sounds like I’m going on, but my head goes round in circles, I just can’t understand how he can just close the door on this life and walk into another, change his appearance, buy designer clothes and sports car? Not bother to see the kids more than twice a month and leave me to sort out the mess, emotionally, financially and legally? Also when I tell him how upset the kids are feeling he does not seem to understand as when he has them it’s the best part he gets. The kids are frightened to talk to him about the way they are feeling.
Then to be completely obsessed by a girl 14 years younger? 5 years older than his daughter???
The sad thing is since he met this Girl 3 months ago, he refuses to let the kids go to his flat. They are not allowed anywhere near it. What Dad would refuse his own children into his home????
I know I will get through this eventually its just such and up hill struggle....

[val100]

Hi sadagain.

I left my husband the kids and I have moved 100miles away to stop the hurt. I am much much better. He is on his own now GF gone, very little money and today he will be nice and tomorrow evil as hell.
I don't know why they become this way. It is impossible for us to see into their heads. I know exactly how you feel trying to explain to your kids what is going on and trying to stick up for their dad. I have stopped doing that. I do not bad mouth them I just tell them that he is lost and acting this way. I tell and show them how much I am doing to keep their relationship with their dad. I never ever make him out to be the Bastard that he is but I gently make them understand that we are all trying to sort it out.

AS for the girl who knows what will happen there again you are moving forward with your life he actually hasn't even though he thinks he has it is all new and exciting without the everyday hassels of mature adult life.

As for meeting someone I hope we both will. keep strong

[sadagain]

nuala treacy, many thanks for your kind replies. You are so right, they do seem the same.

Today, my son who is 11 had a gymnastic tournament, he only started doing it 6 weeks ago, and today stood in front of 500 people and nervous as he was performed great, i was so proud. When his Dad seen him on tuesday he asked him to come and watch. So when he did not appear, i text him and said that he (our son) had done really well and that though he did not come and see him he could have called to wish him luck. I got a text back saying the kids would be better off without him and he was a carp dad!!!! like where did that come from???? I text back saying i have never said that but all i want him to do is think of how the kids are feeling. He continued to go on how crap dad he was.... So tonight he appears at the door with my daughters card (her 15th tomorrow) and then gives her the card, then says im off, i said speak to (our son) and he will tell you how he got on, (my son was sitting in the same room), he says no i cant i have to go? then went out..... So i went outside and before he sped off said there was no need for that, he has done nothing wrong, all you had to do was ask him about how he got on. No he says whats the point. The i said you cant cut the kids off over someone you have just met. They are your kids? He ignored me and sped off, shortly followed by a text saying how depressed he was and the usual how great his GF is being to him....

To top it all, i know he has given my daughter money, a lot less than he gave to my son for his birthday and he is still giving my other daughter stuff because she asks. So my daughters birthday is tomorrow and she will feel gutted that he is treating her different than the others. He seems to treat one of my daughters really good, giving her money, texting her and mobile top up vouchers, but not the other two, this is causing huge arguements.

He has also said he is taking on a weekend job to make more money.
He is left after bills the same as i have to live on only i have 3 kids to look after! Why cant he see its his expensive lifestyle that is causing his money shortage!

But your right he is a B*****d, and a very selfish one at that.

I dont bad mouth him either, but the kids see him for what he is and they are tiring of his selfishness.

I hope we both do find someone nice and caring, someone that will treat us like an equal. But i tell you what, with all this it has made me really warey and fussy about guys!!!!

Mind you they say "what doesnt kill us makes us stronger"..... I will be a fully fledged body builder by the time this is all finished!!!! :-)

[val100]

Hi sad again,
I got the same speech, He is a crap dad, what can he do? how did it get like this? he can't afford a solicitor and so on.
Then this week after being called many things such as a manipulative septic C (there was much much more but The C ones always stand out as he knows that i despise that word) he rings me and apologises for 15yrs of abuse, neglect and hurt and that he wants us to be bestfriends, to chat on the phone, to be happy for each other etc. He also emphasised how we were F****d and that he didn't want me anymore, even though I didn't ask infact i was too busy trying to control my temper to speak. He told me he is moving on with his lif, we ran our course and it is time to let go. I saw red, he got angry and hung up saying he couldn't understand why I wouldn't move forward and accept his apology.
I went to our house yesterday, he is drinking, no food in the fridge just alcohol, on the bedroom wall was his all clear letter from the doctor saying his Vasectomy (which he had 3 years ago when we were together) was a success and that he need not use contraception any longer.
Tell me it isn't me that is going mad, please?
I feel like my heart is being continuosly riped out. I do love him but I need to let go and because of this phonecall I feel thrown back into the pain and hurt all over again.

I have days where I feel stronger but then I have days where I feel like a child and wish someone would mind me.
My kids are finding it really hard and I think that is what is making things worse for me. I feel so guilty that I didn't work harder or just ignore that what was troubling me in my marriage.
Again I say the future is for changing so yes if this doesn't kill us I am sure changing my future.
I think the new man will be a classier model with cash and no psychotic tendencies.

Oh god before I forget. His ex Girlfriend or am I being niave and he isinfact bedding her in my fantastic bed that I had to leave behind much to my disgust.
A friend of mine was out with one of her friends a woman I don't know, they were discussing my plight and it was mentioned where his Gfriend worked and low and behold Gfriend has a history she likes other womens men, She was sleeping with this womans boyfriend and split them up.
I am waiting patiently to meet my friend to get more details.
Need proof as she was away recently my H tells me and slept in the same bed as her ex as they are good friends still AAAAAAHHHHHH. Of course nothing happened!!!!!!!
Could it be that my H is being taken for a ride?

[val100]

Sad again hope you are doing ok. Week 3 No visit for my kids to their dad he doesn't want to waste the money on a solicitor to get it sorted, his words. He wants us to do it through mediation AGAIN. He didn't stick to the agreement then either.
I suspect my kids won't see their dad for some time. I am not facilitating him on gettting this sorted, I will facilitate them seeing each other I want nothing more for my kids but time he grew up and became a responsible adult and did what he is meant to do. I cannot afford to drive 100 miles for mediation which twice he has begged me to cancel so we could work things out. He aggreed to behave in front of the children so as to remain seeing them in my hse ( would only see them there) He abused me in front of them and i had to withdraw his right to visit them in my hse, he stopped seeing them. Now I have asked him to draw up a legal document agreeig access but also agree on a code of conduct while the kids are in our company. WE WAIT!!!

[sadagain]

Hi NT

I know exactly how you are feeling. Your ex is just like mine, selfish! Tell you what though its not until you take a step back and assess the situation that you realise that their behavior was not the norm. I can accept my ex does not want to be with me, but for the life of me i cannot comprehend why he does not bother with his kids?
My Mother in Law is very poorly in hospital, and i took the kids into see her on thursday night. When i got there my ex was sitting on the bed and do you know i so wanted to walk back out! but i thought NO ive done nothing wrong. So me and the kids laughed and joked with his mam and dad for a while until visiting was over. My ex did not engage in conversation or bother to speak to the kids. Instead just sat ther biting his nails!
When we were walking to the car park, the kids seen him drive off and waved to him, he just looked at them and turned away. Could not even wave to his own kids?

To look at him he is just a shadow of what he was, just a shell of a person. Because he has squndered so much money he cannot afford to buy a house at the moment. He is still infactuated by his Little Miss GoldDigger! (but thats all he has now).

I know you are going through a tough time, but your kids are the most important people in your life. If their Dad does not bother then they will see him for what he is!

Do you know 11 years ago the night my son was born, he was not talking to me. i started to bleed and my eldest daughter (then age 2) ran through and told him. To cut a long story short i went to the hospital he took the kids home, i stayed in on my own and had our son ant 12.35am. 30 mins later I called him at home, I said id had the baby and he was so lovely! my exs words to me were " I knew you where having a boy, ive just got the F*****g kids to sleep and your going to wake them good-bye!..... " So you see at that time i thought "ive upset him i should not have called and upset him".... But its taken me till now to realise that what he said that night was not the norm. that he was out of order.

NT you will get stronger it takes time, but if he is not bothering with the kids (like my ex) the kids will see through him. You are worth so much more. the kids will want to see you happy too..... My kids are like flatmates now! we have a laugh, watch TV together, play tournaments on th Wii...... In other words we have FUN! Thats what you need to do with your kids. Get out every odd weekend have fun! you deserve it, and you will rediscover the real you and your confidence will grow! :)

Since i split with my ex, ive had 3 nights out (more than i had in the 16 years we'd been togrther!) first 2 times before christmas i did not enjoy it felt really sad.... But last friday i went out and it was great! i was "me".. I did not mope about him and i was out to enjoy the company of my friends and not think about men!!! (dont get me wrong i was out with guys and girls workmates). I have been learning to like myself again. I had low self esteem. He knocked that clean out of me.

Do you know, when i see him now for all the designer clothes, sports car and young GF, he looks dark and withdrawn, depressed nearly. Ive got through that, dont get me wrong i still do have feelings and probably do still love him. But would not take him back. He burnt his bridge the day he got into bed with His new GF!

NT, enjoy your kids try not to think of your ex. If he calls get the call straight for your children to speak to him. Dont let him mess with your head, at the moment you are still vaunrable and mixed up by it all. You will get through this.
One day he will regret what he has done, he will also relise what he has lost. By this time you will be a stronger person.

Its taken me 4 months to get to this point. I have sold my house and am in the process of buying another one, if it all goes ok i will be moving for my new start early june!

He on the other hand has gone the other way and cannot afford to buy a property, due to his spending......

You take care of yourself and stay strong, you have got lovley kids that will respect and care for you forever.

x

[val100]

Hi sad again,
you are right. I also lived with the guy who just wasn't the norm. He was a great dad and is using me as an excuse not to be there for them now. He rings and tells them they can come and stay with him whenever they want knowing full well that they can't untilhe gets things sorted. My H wouldn't ignore our kids like yours did/ does I can't comprehend that.
A friend came to visit the other day she hasn't seen the kids for years (she lives away) she said to my son that he was so like his dad this should be a compliment my H is an amazing looking guy. I said that my son had my H mannerisms , My son swung around , usually he is a very reserved kid , he said I am nothing like him. It was a huge shock as a few months ago he would have been so proud to be told that.

I know what you mean about being like flat mates with your kids My 2 older boys and I are getting really close but in a really healthy way. They chat and joke with me , we really interact, I got to say isn't the wii fun??
Last night I got the usual abuse and now he has stepped it up to insulting my family. My siblings are all very successful and do have money, he has it in his head that they are supporting me financially and this is driving him mad.He doesn't want to pay a solicitor to sort things (his words ). He thinks that they are paying for my legal representation and everything else. The truth is I haven't borrowed so much as a fiver from my family. What I am getting at is he just can't stop trying to insult and be little everything that is important to me.
I know what you mean about having no self esteem, he ruined me and I let him and like an addict I am still letting him. I have stepped back too and am looking at how I seem to need to have him insult me as if that attention is better than none, yet I feel like I am starting to lose that plot. This man physically assaulted me more than once, I have a fractured sternum and yet I am still trying to fix us. Jesus what is wrong with me. The Fractured sternum is better than the other things he has done.
You know sad again I will rediscover myself and I will never want him near me again, I just wish it would hurry up and happen, this has been going on 13 months.

You are fantastic the way you have organised yourself, I did the same in the first few months becareful you don't burn out. I hope it is easier as you aren't being constantly harrassed.
You story about your son is tragic. Got to say that my husband was amazing and trully at his best when I was pregnant and for a year after. Sad but that is my only truly good memory of him everything else was a struggle or abusive or just neglectful.

I was besotted with him, That was my low self esteem I had the best looking guy on my arm he chose me! funny I should have looked in the mirror he had the best looking wife.

There is a few women on this forum and oneday I hope we all get together and have such a laugh. Tia and Sonhia you and I the first 5 rounds are on me.

You go girlie and start triping the light fantastic. Much love

[sadagain]

Hi NT
I understand where your coming from. There used to be physical abuse from my Ex also. I used to stupidly think i was to blame for pushing him too far....
My daughter reminded me of a time he threw me round the sitting room, she’s 15 now and was only 4 or 5 at the time!! and it broke my heart to know she remembered it.
Tonight I have just heard he has handed in his notice at work! He is on a really good wage but is not happy as he does not think he gets paid enough? (probably due to his lifestyle now). He is supposed to be going back to a company that he worked for before. (he actually left this company 8 years ago, and when I came home he was in tears saying they had set him up and offered him the chance to resign?). So the company he is with at the moment took him on when he was pretty destitute, (that’s when I had to go to college to take out a student loan so we could afford to live). So this employer has been good to him. The one he wants to go back to, I reckon if they did the dirty to him before then they could sure do it again and where would he be then???
4 months ago he had it all, now he lives in a damp one bedroom flat. He realises that he cant afford a house to buy as he blew most of his settlement!
His spending is still way beyond his means.... (he would have to earn at least £30k a year more to meet his spending this month alone (and his spending this month is light!).
Now today I went to the bank and have got my mortgage ready to go for mine and the kids new home! Only now im worrying I wont get maintenance in years to come? that would leave me in trouble....
It seems to be, you get up the hill but you keep sliding down again. No matter how hard you try all these hurdles keep been thrown at you!
He’s still not contacted or spoken to the kids for weeks, barr when he seen and ignored them at the hospital.
He seems to be throwing everything away in his quest to be happy!
Like your H he seems to be confused and they seem to handle it in different ways. Your H, looks like he is confused and is still wanting you but trying to hurt you at the same time. Probably because he still cares but the only way he can express it is by hurting you.
But you can only take so much. That’s why getting away from him is good, it helps you recharge your batteries and puts your life into perspective.
Don fall into the trap I have done before, and that’s when they text and you reply trying to reason and they take everything out of context?
Life’s to short for them to be twits. I think that’s the bit I don’t get. (its the energy they waste being like that I just don’t understand)
I live for my family and each day you get up and you have fun as a family makes life worthwhile. Doesn’t take much to have fun. But my ex used to get jealous, stressed, moody and controlling.... for no reason? It would have been much easier and we'd have all been happier all round, if he just was a bit more laid back and enjoyed life as a family.
Sad thing is now, the way he acts, i wonder whets got him to this stage in life?
But if i think about it to much it wears me down, so your right because he does not harass me it does help, (out of sight out of mind!).
My daughter is convinced he will come back to our door one day. But i don’t think so. I don’t think he ever would, he looks at me like im some evil person that wrecked his life?
That drinks sound good! I’ve been told my new house has a built in wine rack in the kitchen!!
How’s that for a bit of luck? (it was meant for me :-) )
The other thing is, im so glad i went to college when i did, if i hadn’t i would not be in the job im in now, and i would have been really up to my neck in it then! So im just glad 6 years ago i took the path i took.

NT, i do hope things get better, your a strong person, you are looking after your kids single handedly and your kids will look back forever and thank you for it (don’t get me wrong in their teenage years there are quite a few blips!). But you will get there, Im like you i have never taken a penny off my family and i wouldn’t. (my Ex does and thinks its acceptable, but not when i was with him).
I just hope we can both look back in a few years and by then we will both have moved on for the better.
Take care of yourself, you will get there and you will get the courage and confidence...
xxx

[val100]

Hi sadagain,
you made so much sense. I have had a few wobbles this week but handled them so well. I haven't tried to fix it or sort it as you said, I usually would, as u said "Don fall into the trap I have done before, and that’s when they text and you reply trying to reason and they take everything out of context" that was happening all the time I started to think I was going mad because I didn't say things to mean them the way he was interpreting them. I caught him out doing it to me one day in the middle of the arguement and he hung up immediately.

I have as I said moved away but I have kept my job in the city, I just work 2 days at the moment. Anyway I went out last night with work, he must have seen me because I had 12 missed calls from him. I answered one and he was ringing me from his office at 11pm his office is a stones throw from where we were. He was really drunk and as always abusive he was accusing me of f***ing other men and so on, and neglecting his kids.
It is weird but that is all it takes to get me shaking and upset. I had work this morning so I limited my alcohol intake but I am so sick and I realised 2 drinks don't do that to you this is just another way stress is showing.
I will check my email later and hopefully he hasn't emailed.

Funny how we excuse the violence, I fought with our marriage counsellor when she told me I lived in an abusive relationship, When the police warned me I would be found dead. I actually told the policeman that he was just hurting and that I wasn't going to press charges. When do we stop caring though. You still care you hate him in that flat, you are worried about his work. You and I both know that there are ways for you to maintain your new house without his help. I am educated too it is a huge benefit. I am exactly the same I worry about his job (he doesn't give me money so I am not worried from that pt) I worry about him. I need to worry about me I have lost 3 stone (silver lining really), My skin is bad (never ever had bad skin) I don't sleep well. I accept that this is just part of it and that it will get better. Helped by all the attention I got last night what an ego boost.

It is stupid what we dwell on. In our house I have a magnificent bed with a fantastic duvet, it is a really beautiful piece of furniture and I cannot deal with the fact that he may be sleeping with someone else in it in my sheets etc. I shouldn't care but it really upsets me.
I am kind of rambling this morning sorry. My head is all over the place today but I am not upset just tired of it and confused.

The wine rack, that made me laugh. Where abouts are you moving too? I think you are great it is amazing how we find our strength. I hope you have good support around you.
I had better go and do some work.

"I am woman hear me roar" say it everyday and it helps.
Your husband is a total twit and is missing out on a fantastic woman, your children are lucky.

[sadagain]

Hi Nuala
Im glad you have had a slightly better week. Its also really good you managed to get out and have some fun! And get some attention, yes that is a huge ego boost!
My esteem has been very low, but yesterday I nipped into his old work to drop some stuff off that belonged to them, I spoke to one off the guys he worked with. He said “you have no fear of being on your own” he said when I walked in a bunch of guys who had never seen me before asked who I was then when they were told said how could he leave me for the new GF? (my exs GF used to work there and was not very much liked by people!). All said and done though, I have no intention of getting involved with someone else. I am no where near ready.
Like you I lost weight. Back down to size 8! So in that respect I really did score. I know you said your skin was bad. When I was going through the problems when he was still at home I was really stressed and my skin was bad. However, when he left and I found out he had someone else, I stopped drinking coffee and only have one tea a day, and cut the chocolate. I started drinking Herbal teas. I’ve been drinking Skin purify and Detox, by Dr Stuart. (get them in most supermarkets) and my skin is really good now, better than it has been for years!
So like you I’ve got through this week, and boy has it had its ups and downs! So he has not seen the kids for weeks. So I get a call from my eldest daughter upset when she was walking home from school. “Dad is trying to pick me up and I don’t want to go!”. I told her if she did not want to talk just to go to the bus and carry on home. Then my other daughter calls and says, Daddy is picking me up and wanting to take me to see grandma, is it ok! Of course I said yes. Then later when I got home she starts crying, saying poor daddy cant understand why (his eldest daughter) does not speak to him? So I called him and said he really needs to be more consistent and not go for weeks ignoring them. Also when he wants to see them he should arrange it, not just appear!. Of course then he started going on how he was going to a solicitor to get it in writing. So I lost it big time, really the whole lot came out! I said, “when you text me the other week saying you were a Crap Dad” then Yes since you left you have been, and many more home truths! And do you know I held nothing back! But he is annoyed that im buying this 4 bed house, and wants to know where im getting the money from?
I told him its none of his business anymore, and he said I cant move or do anything without his permission, as they are his kids? Well he did his usual, im going to a solicitor, (he quotes the solicitor when im the one asking him to see more of the kids!) so I left it at that, so if he does go to one I don’t know? Anyway on coming of the phone my final words were “have a nice evening!” (found this inner calm) Of course it was valentines day and he would be in grumpy mood when he picked his GF up from work. ;-). Bad of me to lose it but I needed too! Actually very therapeutic!
So today I took the kids and the 4 of us picked the new kitchen and bathroom colours for out new house. Great fun, Later I get text. Can I take the kids bowling? I said yes no problem, you can come and get them now.
So he picks them up , my eldest daughter refused to go as she cant face him at the moment. A couple of hours later they are back, with £50 each? Because he did not bother with them for the last 3 weeks? Also extra money to top up my eldest lassies money for he birthday to make it the same as the others!
See, its not about money, its about emotional support. Anyway it was progress, my son is much happier tonight! My daughter that gets on with him was happy. My eldest was glad not to see him.
He text later and said he hopes the kids enjoyed it, I text him back saying yes and it has really helped my son, and that I really appreciate him doing it. I tried to give him encouragement.
Your right though, I still worry about him, I think he is on a self destruct course, in order to find happiness, but he is making so many big decisions I such a short time, all in his quest to be happy!
I think he has deeper underlying issues, I dont know exactly what, but I do feel he suffers depression, or something along that lines.
The people that know him have lost all respect for him, they all say this girl will “take him in chew him up and spit him out!. But that makes me sad. I dont want to see him destitute. Saying that I see the sad depressed side, but also the Nasty bully side. This time last year he had it all, and now? Not very much..
Anyway, Monday I get my exam results, then if I can pass them (not holding out much hope sat them at the time I found out about his GF) I have only 2 more to do in June to be through this course!
But Nuala you carry on and you will gradually get stronger, my tears are not daily anymore,, I do shed a tear, but now only once a week! that’s progress, don’t get me wrong , I am strong and focused, but it hurts like mad on the inside.
I still could never take him back, That was the hardest part. It took 15 years to build everything we had, and a couple of weeks for the lot to fall away! Sad really…………..
U take care of yourself, you will get stronger, try those herbal teas for a few weeks and see if your skin clears. Before he left, my skin got bad, I had trouble sleeping, I always felt shattered and the worst was my hair was falling out, more than usual! Now that’s all stopped, so it must have been stress with him!.
? Was just about to post this last night and I get text from him asking for help? He needed advice on should he split with his GF to focus on the kids? So I just listened for an hour and a half, while he spoke about his job and that he thought it best to dump the GF for the kids sake? I said why cant he do both, why cant he see the kids and see her (don’t get me wrong it makes me sick he is with her, but I don’t want him blaming the kids for them splitting up) he was telling me how he really cares for her and how nice she is? Ahhh! Like I don’t want to know! Also that all the things he did wrong to me he is doing right with her? So I said he is the only one that can make that decision and left it at that.
Today we went to visit his relatives and he met me and the kids for lunch, all ok, I spoke ok to him chatted away. Got the kids involved, but my eldest still cant stand him (thing is I don’t blame her, Id feel the same).
Tonight I get a text saying, thanks for the chat, it means a lot, and that he will stay with the GF! And she says thanks for speaking to him. OK if he is not being a selfish pig now then……
Of course, I don’t want to argue for the kids sake, but I don’t want to know about her , end off!!
Also if he finished with her now, he would still have feelings for her for ever more, whereas if she does her usual, then he will learn the hard way! (also it keeps him away from my doorstep)
So Nuala, don’t know how their minds work, and I will tell you he is more unstable now than when I was with him. I did feel I was getting sucked back in but after the last texts, no chance, no no no!
Not my problem, Its made me more determined to do well in my job and hopefully find someone nice eventually. not at the moment, (but theres no harm having a wee sneaky peek!)
Nuala Good luck with this week, you will get through it ok, keep strong and remember, you will get there and it will get easier!
Take care x

[sadagain]

Hi

Bit of advice needed please.
This has been going around in my head for the last few days.
As throuought this post i have had a rougth time with my ex and the fact he went of with this young girl.
I cant understand why he would call me for advice, then text me to say he has told his GF he spoke to me in the early hours of the morning and that she said thanks for speaking to him!

Why? I mean if i went out with someone, i would find it weird if they called the ex wife for advice?

Especially when he had had an arguement with the GF the day before?

He also said he had gone to a night club with her and had tried to pick a fight with 3 different guys! (never done that before)
My son commented tonight how aggresive in nature he has become since meeting her!

His Mam has been ill for quite a few years and has been seriously ill this last few days. She has only been given days to live now.

He said he will be strong for his Dad and brother and just "get on with it".
I honestly think he will crack.

It seems he was happy to start this relationship with the young GF in order to be "happy", designer clothes , sports car. He was happy for a few weeks then down again. Now its his job he quit thinking he was not happy. I think he will find out he is no happier in the job he has gone to!

I still think he is suffering depression, but i dont want to be the one who helps him through emotionaly when his mam dies, only for him to be spending time and money on his GF. She should be the one giving emotional support, not me.

I am getting on as best as i can, but it still really hurts the way things have turned out. Especially when neither of them gave a second thought to the feelings of the kids or myself over the last 4 months?

At the moment its all a bit weird,

Why would he want to speak to me as he says "im the only one he can trust"?

(one good thing though, he is wanting to see the kids more, he relises how much he has hurt them) one thing he did say he was going to finish with the GF as he knew the kids would not want to see her, so he thought my eldest daughter would speak to him if he was not with the GF, but he really liked his GF! Thing is if he split with her for that reason, he would probably blame the kids later for "what could have been". So in aq way its best he sticks with her until he gets sick of it!

So help me out on this one it just bamboozles me!

[1aokgal]

Dear Sadagain..

Please be too busy to give advice to this "child" man during ihs midlife crisis sleeping around! Please be too busy to be hurt by hearing about his activities when you need to heal and make a good life for yourself. If it is not about the kids his calls should be limited in time and duration. That girl may kick him to the curb soon and he may come squalling to you for another round out of your life and hurt you all again.

Consider him poison ivy and don't rub around his life or problems. You go improve you and make you look good. The best revenge is to do well. You gave that deal a lot of years and he blew you off without a backward look until he has problems keeping it up for the young women.

Dear, tell him to hit the road and he should lose your number except for talks to kids.

Hope you take my good advice and get yourself on track for the next and best part of your life. Lose that zero and find a hero...after you are healed.

[val100]

1aokgal said it all, he wants to pull you back in.
You are moving forward and doing great things he is losing everything including his mum he is going to worm his way in by asking for your advice and showing you that the kids are so important to him and that he is messing up. HE is very Manipulative.

My H as I said attacked me very badly twice in one night (before you ask there was maybe 5 minutes between the attacks I was trying to get away when he came back into the room and attacked me again). The attacks were/ are very serious. I did go to the police but refused to press charges. They were of a specific nature. Here is what he did after he attacked me he left the room and a few minutes later came back with a pen and note pad and made me repeat the attack to him. He wrote it all down so as he said we had our stories straight.

Why am I telling you this. The police told me that he was very dangerous and manipulative. Your H and mine have been very similar in behaviours and I see manipulation now that It has been so obviously carried out infront of me. I never got the phonecall looking for advice but I have had similar cries for help but there has always been a hidden agenda.

If you and he are to get back together make him work for it and keep his name off everything right now I think he is after his home comforts and your money.
Never take a phonecall like that again DO YOU HEAR!!!!!! ha ha, beat him at his own game and say no.
Life has been good since last sunday and I am planning on keeping it that way.
Talk soon

[sadagain]

Hi 1aokgal
Thanks, I know you are right… but I wish I was harder in personality. I always feel sorry for people!
He is Manipulative and when he called the other day I seen the desperate side in him. Only I have so often seen the Bully side, where he snaps at me and “im the main bread winner” feeling he gives me. As though I could never be as good as him.
My Mam has said if he comes back for advice or comfort when his Mam slips away, then I should say “im sorry, but its not my place to give advice to you , you should really be speaking to your Girlfriend as I don’t want to step on her toes!” That’s turning it around so he does not think im being a bitch. But it has been hard to come to terms with the marriage break up for me, I wanted a loving happy relationship. You see I don’t understand why there had to be the anger and jealousy he possessed? I loved him dearly and would never have done anything to hurt him. Only he hurt me in so many ways. I never gave him any reason to Doubt me. (funny though, he said in the text last weekend that im the only one he can trust?)
But you are right I have to be strong…..
Nuala, WELL DONE for getting through this week positive, There will be times when it slips back but for each good day you get it gives you that extra bit of strength to push forward!
This week has been good for me, Monday I PASSED my two exams ;-) never expected to pass both, I was in tears throughout them!. So two more to go and I get my first Accounts Qualification! My new house looks set to go through OK in May and I got my Pay rise and Bonus from work (more than I expected! Plus im getting to travel on business abroad with my work! First time ever on a plane! (hope it does not go down hill from here!).
I went this morning to see his Mam, she only has days to live now, so I spoke to her about the kids, She is on a morphine drip. Ex is being really good with his Dad, he seems to be concentrating on being a shoulder for his Dad and Brother.
Hopefully if his Mam gets through the night I will go in to play a tape of the kids to her. I don’t want the kids to see her the way she is at the moment, they seen her a few days ago and were upset afterwards. So a recording is the best way.
He was of down the street shopping with his GF on Friday. I now know he has money in his account but also his Credit cards now far outweigh this!
She is still dragging him around the shops! And he is still spending like there is no tomorrow…. So it looks like what people said about her being a money grabber is right….
I don’t think he wants back, he never gave that impression when he called? I cant see him ever wanting to come back, after he has been with such a young lassie. It made me sick, he said to me he is doing everything with his GF he should have done with me as he does not want to make the same mistake again! Also I was the only one he could trust! (he did let slip they had there first argument and he is starting to wonder if the rumours about her are true!)
I’m so sorry you have been through such a bad time with your ex been violent towards you, there is no excuse for that. But I know the situation you were in, you kind of feel sorry for them and even blame yourself for things! When deep down you know its not your fault but you feel sorry for them and dont want to see them in trouble!
Manipulation, is the only word that fits. Do you know though, people from the outside are shocked I’ve put up with it for so long, but I thought it was normal? Funny though the stronger you get the more you realise its not your fault!
Keep up being positive! Way to go…. Keep getting stronger, you are getting there.
Take care of yourself x

[val100]

Sadagain, you have to stop fixating on your husbands new life (easier said than done Honestly I need to practice what I preach).
He is absolutely ruining himself but you have no influence on him anymore. I totally understand,You know you could sort it out for him and all those years past between you still mean something, but only to you pet. I am with you I have thought about just arriving to my H's door and cleaning the house for him making up his bed (i actually did do that one day), filling the fridge with food but you know he made his choice and I have to accept that. In time you will become someone important to him again but at the moment he needs aspects of you but this young girl has got a hold on him.
I understand completely the feeling of being replaced by a younger model, in my case she was/is very pretty, slim etc but Actually so am I, ok she is 8 yrs younger but I have way more going for me because I know what I want she is still trying to find herself.
even a close family member of my H raised his eyes up to heaven when I mentioned her ( H had kindly introduced her to him after H and I had had dinner out and had agreed we were going to fix our marriage, I paid for the F ing dinner too)Cousin had actually left them to it he wasn't impressed.
I realise My H can only be with a younger woman because he is so immature he needs someone who is as equally immature. I was told the same thing as you He was doing everything with her he should have done for me because he realises how badly he treated me and he is going to change. He told me that all the therapy etc he is having will make sure he is the best possible person for his new partner, I asked why not for me and he said we ran our course.
You are doing amazingly well a bonus, passing your exams, god be proud of yourself and realise you are a total success. Things will really improve once you move into your new house. It is amazing once you leave the memories and reminders behind the road just seems so much smoother.
I do know how shocked people are because they are just as shocked by my story. My H is a total victim he has rallied around everybody and blackened my name. I realise that those people have one story and only one and I am not giving second chances he can keep those friends I have fantastic people around me and I have a new life now. I don't by the way expect people to chose but I would have expected the same amount of concern especiallly as he has told people what he did to me, ha ha just as I typed that I thought he only told them what he wanted them to know. most people think he smacked me, god I wish.
Anyway that is part of seperation you seperate your friends as well as them and their family.
I really hope you have good friends around you and that you are getting out. I realise the best cure is to recieve lots of positive attention. Don't act on it just take it in and believe it. You start to believe in yourself more when a man takes a few moments just to say how nice you look. Shallow as hell but when you haven't felt pretty in a couple of years it really makes you think.
Enjoy your week and good luck with the business trip whenever it is happening. Planes are fun have a gin and tonic for me.

[Saddened]

Hi Sadagain,

I have been reading with great sadness your story. I can only tell you my own story and see will this help. My husband and I broke up some years ago as I knew in my heart something was not right and I knew he was seeing someone behind my back. So I left with my son, I stupidly left my own home on the Sunday , she moved in on Friday. I lost four stone and decided to treat myself to new clothes and so on and so forth, went back to work, had my own money. After about a year and a half my husband decided his new folly was beginning to annoy him, she had been a close friend of mine by the way. They do eventually see the light and realize that this not where they want to be and that the wife and child are what he really wants. So after playing the game of her against me and how it was my fault for leaving him and so on, he decided he wanted to make a go of things and would I consider making things work again. Well I did for seven years and lo and behold now I cannot bear my inner feelings for him. He has decieved me again with text messages and emails to another woman and I feel so angry as I had left all the hurt and indignity of the situation seven years earlier behind me and now it has errupted again. I feel so used and rejected and I want him to leave me but he won't as he says he loves me too much, which is another way of saying I have no where to go and everyone will turn against me. Sorry if I have prattled on its just I wanted you to know that your husband is making you feel as if your the one in the wrong. If he could do it for this girl why could he not do it for you ???? because his selfish side out weighed his rationality is all I can think of. You have the gold by the way, you have the kids love and affection. Maybe this young 22 will get bored of him soon, after all she has her hole life ahead of her and he will eventually turn the same way with you as he did with her have no doubt about that Sadagain and she won't be long about getting fed up of it. I can only say I should of stayed strong all those years ago and gone it alone and could of met someone who does care about me as I have a lot to offer I know that. You keep strong and try not to play along with any of his games. I wish you well .

[sadagain]

Hi Saddened
Thankyou for posting, it realy does help when i hear others situations. I dont think my ex would ever want to come back. (Hes pretty clear on that). Your husband is the same, only with him coming back once youd think he would have learnt the grass isnt greener with someone else!
I’m so sorry you are in the same situation again. I don’t understand what goes through their heads for them to cheat? Aslo the pain you must be going through at the moment must be unbearable.
I do have the freedom to do what I want and when I want now! Going for a night out, I can get up and go. With him I could not as the way he made me feel If went out was upsetting. He never trusted me, yet I never had any free time to myself!
He called me at work on Tuesday to have a go at me for something, so I asked him not to call accusing me again. That night I text him and said please don’t call me to accuse me its not fair and please don’t call me about your GF again as its not my place. I also said I cannot be there anymore to support him as that’s his GF’s place not mine and I don’t want to step on her toes!.
He text me back saying “thanks for all the support and your attitude sucks!”….. Mine does?
By Thursday I had a message on my phone to say his Mam died minutes earlier. This has really upset me. You see she had been ill for a few years and I knew it was coming. Since he left 5 months ago, he has hardly seen the kids and taken them to see her once. I’ve taken them nearly every week and last Sunday I played a tape of the kids to her in the hospital. Ive now got his dad more involved with the kids to try and help him through this time. I also feel so sad, his dad was so commited to his mam, yes they had rough times too, but he never left her side. You see its when things like this happen you should be a family, and I will never understand what makes a guy choose a girl 19 at the time over his whole family. My kids are my life!
So now I have another dilema. He is calling me and talking about his Mam, but I don’t want him too, I know that sounds really selfish but it really upsets me. I don’t want to give him support and then the GF does not have to deal with that side of it, she just gets the best in him.
I though if I wait till after the funeral then I can gently say for him to stop calling me. You see I don’t like being mean, its not in my nature.
But saddened, my ex had something going on with a girl 7 years prior to this, he said he was only “snogging her” but I know there was more. Lots of things at that time did not tie up. But I need him to stop contacting me completely, and have an arrangement in place for him to see the kids, if they want to. (my eldest daughter hates him and no amount of talking to her will change that). If I can cut away completely then I know I can move on with my life. Plus I don’t want another 7 years down the line to be in this situation, and then have to start again. I do fear not meeting anyone else, saying that it would be really weird being with someone different!
My ex did the crying and that im the only one he loved! But the first offer he got he was off with this girl!
The way he treated me and the things he has said since he left made my self esteem hit rock bottom! But my Family and friends have been a great support!
Another thing is the lies he is telling, he keeps telling me he has no money, but he has blown £25k shopping with his GF, she drives around in his Sports car and lives with him!
Please look after yourself Saddened, and do whats right for you, its hard to know what to do for the best, but only you can decide, either way I hope you have a good support network around you..
Take care
x

[val100]

So sorry to hear about your mother in law.
I do not know what to say except you are not being mean to say to him that it is no longer your place. You can sympathise with him and tell him that if things were different between you two you would have been able to support him through his grief but as someone who has been betrayed you cannot hurt (this is for the guilt factor only ) his GF by overstepping the boundaries to support him now.
You are having a very tough time emotionally.
Hope you are ok and not too sad. I have loads to tell but it isn't the place for you right now. You should grieve for your mother in law. Hope the kids are ok too many loses for you all at the moment.

[sadagain]

Hi Nuala

(was just trying to post to you when i got your reply!)
I am sad about it all, and the kids are upset, it all seems to be so numbing at the moment, everything seems to be happening at once. His Dads been really good. He named the kids and i, in her death announcement in the paper, and the kids and i have to go in the family funeral cars. It seems all very surreal. My ex's GF is not going. My ex said its not her place?
Im so glad i kept his Mam and Dad in the picture with the kids, i was told by a friend that usually its the inlaws that suffer. Now my father in law is out this morning with my son, Im trying to get him more involved so it can help him through this hard time. He was truly devoted to his wife.

It does make me sad when i think we should really have been a family at this time, but i cant change that. But your right i need the GF to support him not me. If shes as good as he thinks she is then she will be there for him! (i dont mean to sound nasty).

I hope you have had a good week, (no stress!).... mind you cant remember the last week i had like that!

Must go just now my kids are wanting to go to the shops, so you know what its like when they are Impatiant!

Take care Nuala, but keep me posted how you are getting on,

x

[Micou]

Hi Nuala

I am so sorry to hear about your mum-in-law. I actually think that your ex's attitude stinks, as you rightly say that he is coming to you to cry about his mum, but the GF is getting all the benefits!! Why can't he cry on her shoulder instead?

Girl, I really admire you and take my hat off to you. I think you are a wonderful woman, full of self respect and integrity. You've made mistakes in your past (haven't we all??) However, you've taken swift steps to rectify things and you have every right to stand tall - Lord, I wish I was as tough as you! Just give me an ounce of your guts, girl, cos Heaven knows I need to buck myself up and get a life!

Please don't let him bring you down. You don't deserve that. Keep your head tall, back straight and keep on doing what you're doing!

Sadagain, am so sorry for the agony that you are going through. I just cannot find the words to express how awful your ex has been behaving. Why do they do these things? What is it within them that makes them think the way they do????

[val100]

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY !!!!
I am soon to be Val100. I have asked the very nice people to change my user name.
I am all on my own for mothers day. First time in 14 yrs. I thought he might have got the kids to text me or ring but nah. Anyhow I hope you have a lovely day.

[sadagain]

Hi Val100!

New name!

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO YOU ALSO, what a swine he is not getting the kids to call you. Wait till they come home and you get hugs from them!

I got lovley cards from my 3 and a pretty bangle and mug they all chipped in for!

Ive been really tearful today, im not looking forward to the funeral, all his family will be there, so im a bit worried. Iwill feel out of place.
He met my son and fatherinlaw yesterday and gave my son £20 to buy a card and gift (kids had done this already). But that upset me, i wish he hadnt, i need him out of my life completley, i text and said thankyou but i hated having to do that! AHHH! i want to scream, I think it will be another bout of boxing on the Wii tonight!............ Tharaputic :-)

I went out with a some workmates last night and went to this club and most of the people there were 18-21, im there thinking I feel old, but i could not imagine me with someone that age, and it makes me sick to think he is with someone so young, they are closer to our kids age!

Ok Moan over!

Hope you have a good week, take care x

[val100]

Hi sad again
Well i got flowers and chocolates from my gang and yes he took them shopping and the pig bought me my favourite flowers (not sunflowers they are our wedding ones).
I found the day to be a nightmare (haha). He came to the car and wished me a happy mothers day, I couldn't speak so later I text and thanked him for going to the trouble of getting me the flowers FROM the kids, He text back not a problem thank you for being such a great mother, I didn't stop crying for a week.
We had words on wednesday and I listened (properly listened ) to him as he told me how much i hurt him, I swear guys I am in bits. Why doesn't he hear me saying I am sorry?
He told me he feels like a prize P***k when he hears me weeping (actually sobbing this time). He hates hurting me that he has no love for me but cares for me. He misses me but he no longer wishes or thinks about me as his wife, he says he just won't go there he says I threw our dreams and love away. (I did, and I am sorry and I will rebuild them for him) but he says No! I haven't stopped crying I AM THE MOST STUPID PERSON IN THE WORLD. We are both alone missing each other WHY??????
I know he treated me like crap, I know I lost confidence in him but I realise I can't break this bond nor my love for him. Yes of course I will survive this and I will grow and accept this but god if I could turn back time.
Anyway the story continues. He apologised to me he told me he accepts that he abused our marriage and my love but that and rightly so he didn't deserve my affair.
He has promised to stop hurting me he admitted that he argues with me for the contact anything is better than nothing.
He rang my daughter that night and asked her to hug me for him (talk about floods of tears, I can barely see the keyboard even now).
This is epic.
My daughter became very unwell on thursday and at 4am I text him and said that she would be too sick to travel to him for the weekend and if he wanted to come to our house he could.
I didn't think he would say yes to be honest not that that was why I asked I just thought Nah he will come up with some excuse. He said yes and arrived down last night, I drove to town to collect him and strange as it was we just chatted like we used to.
We all sat and watched the telly and had a cuppa. I went to bed. How weird, the man i love is in the next room and I can't go to him. I wished he would knock on my door but he didn't. I heard my daughter in the night and i got up to her, he was already up. There were the two of us sleepy and minding our baby just like we used to.
God guys I want to die. He is in my house now I want to dash home with a decent bottle of wine and talk to him, talk for hours and laugh with him. I want to lock the doors and demand he takes us back.
There is More, sorry,
When the kids come up to their dad I work in the city and i sometimes stay in cork with my friend but as my daughter was sick I cancelled all my plans, then he arrived so I drove the 100 miles up this morning. Last night I said to him "I haven't made any plans," but before I could finish my sentence he said "stay in our house for the weekend."
Oh god I feel so trapped. We could start to rebuild our friendship and that is probably as much as we will ever have but will I get hurt I mean really hurt? my heart can't take anymore.
Do I deserve after what i did to get a proper chance, Am i reading way too much into this?
What is going on??????
I am going to do nothing by the way accept remain being nice.
It is no longer a rollercoaster it is a dingy caught in the rapids.
Why can't I break the tie.

Sorry sadagain, You need my support not me moaning. The funeral it will be tough and hard to see people who are your family. It will be hard seeing your H grieving.
Would you take him back ? (honestly)
This will be your trip on the rapids.
Keep me posted please

[sadagain]

Hi Val100
Im so sorry you have been through this, and yes I totally understand what your going through.
They are so confused with their own feelings they think they know what they want, but do they?
You know my doctor told me, when a guy splits from his wife and goes off with someone else, they go through the going out with other women and playing the field. She says within 2 years or there abouts they realise these “relationships” they have mean nothing, they amount to nothing. By then the Wife has moved on and the kids lose respect for their dads as they start to realise whats going on. Then the Guy starts to regret leaving knowing the relationship he had was worth more. Usually by this time the wife and kids have moved on and don’t want him back!
Your husband is confused, I bet he does want back but he cant deal with his feelings.
Would I take mine back, in my heart probably yes, but i don’t know how id deal with what has gone on, he has been truly an B*****d. But my friends and head say NO don’t let him back in if he ever did decide to come back..
I know where you coming from. You have invested do many years in your Husband your Kids and your Marriage and it is such a waste to see it go. You see the way I see it is the kids grow older you start to get more time together, more money to have to “enjoy” life and you both watch your kids grow up, go to college, bring home their Girlfriends and Boyfriends and watch them get married have kids of their own and bring them home to Granny and Grandad! But for you and me at the moment the book is closed the final chapters will not be written. OK that probably did not make sense, but its the way I tried to explain to my ex!
Val, I understand totally how you are feeling, this week I went to the funeral, his family have only just found out we are separated. I said one word at the funeral to him but his family and old work mates were brilliant to me. They kept saying he has lost it and his GF is a lot do do with the way he is! But she was not at the funeral and she took a weeks holiday to be with him, however she is helping him to blow his money. On Tuesday to Thursday if id posted, you would have heard me say I cant live like this anymore I have had enough I cant take it any more, cry? In floods non stop!. I was all set to throw everything in and move away. But Val, you have the same as I do. You have the love and respect of your kids, my ex whinged the other week when he called to say about how he needed advice about his GF! He was going to see his kids more, does he? No, but im not going to force him to as it shows what he is like.
You see, I am so confused at the moment I have numbed memories of how bad it was. You will be the same. I think, Was I really that unhappy? Was he really a bully? Should I have given him the ultimatum?
But my ex moved on within weeks, yours went the same way! Younger woman, squandering money!
Val, I know what its like, you try to be strong and they come all emotional and they wreck your head, you end up feeling sorry for them.(they bring out the nurturing caring side)
I made a conscious decision that after the funeral I would never speak to my ex again! I cant, if I do I feel upset and confused so this way I can move on. If he needs to speak to the kids then he can call them.
I move house in 8 weeks (hopefully) the house builder is paying for the bridging for the month till my house is sold! The surveyor undercharged me by £110 (scored!) that will pay for the wine for my wine rack in the kitchen! (we do get positives).
Val you like me have to learn to like ourselves. We have been wrapped up in being wife, mother and housekeeper. You’ve built a life putting your family before yourself. Nows the time to put yourself first. If your husband can genuinely draw a line under everything and move forward then that’s good. If he will continue to carry on putting all the blame on you then you have to put yourself first. Until he gets to a point of accepting he is not whiter than white and has put you to hell and back, then you have to put yourself first. He has to accept what has happened on both sides and then move forward and put a thick black line under it all and focus on the family and the future you all have together.
If he cant then don’t get yourself hurt .You are worth so much more than that.
You do have a great inner strength, don’t let him pull you down, remember, you’re a lovely girl with a lovely personality and so much to give. You put your family first and if he wants back then he has to be at one with you.

I remember how independant i was when i was young, he was the one that could not be on his own. Thats the same now! he had to get the first person that came along and spend £27K for the privalige in the 4.5 months he has know her! I didnt, im still on my own and no intention of getting involved at the moment (once bitten twice shy)
Take care of yourself Val and don’t let him pull you down!

There is a thing a guy at work told me to do, he came through a hard relationship. Set yourself 100days. Keep a diary of each day. once you get to the end, look back and you will see how much you have moved on!
But take care and dont get yourself down, your worth so much more
xxx

[val100]

Hi sadagain,
Well the week was just as yours, I sobbed and screamed, I too told myself I couldn't do this anymore but as always I woke up the next day and did take it.
You said it all. I also have to really try hard to remember just how bad it was at times.

I slept in our bed last night as he is in my house. I had two drinks and sat up till my eyes wouldn't stay open anymore just so I could lie in that bed and not remember how it it was.

In my case I broke my marriage and I think that is why it is so hard for me I have so much guilt. He also has guilt and I remind him of what I did but worse than that what he did.
I know in his heart he wants back but he has a great life right now and he hates having to do things that are uncomfortable. Taking me back would be just that we would have to deal with all that has happened and knowing him like I do he would rather walk away than have to face the memory of what he did to me.
I am not sure if he is with anyone at the moment, The house is like a shell there is no sense of someone living there. I cleanned it a small bit and tidied up because that is my kids home too and because I need him to be ok. I will probably find out next week that he is living with his GF again and that is why there is nothing in the house. I will be back here on hysterical lol.

I wish I could help you fill up that wine rack, i would expect to help empty it then though.
You are fantastic you know that don't you?
The next chapters of our lives will be very exciting and for filling. Gonna get me a rich man!!!!!

[sadagain]

Hi Val
Hope you have had a better week.It must have been hard for you staying in the same house as him. But remember, HE is the one that has the problem. You are/were willing to sort it out and be a family. He was and still does not!
Its hard, very hard.
I found a diary the other day from 2005. I read through it, and do you know it made me cry. If that had been someone else’s diary id have felt heart felt sorry for them. I was writing, “he’s back from a business trip, he’s not talking again, I wish he knew how much i loved him, why does he not love me“? You see there was the same message nearly every trip he came back from”! That was the year on my daughters 10th birthday he left the house with his clothes in the morning and said he was leaving and not coming back! My daughter had her birthday party and at night when she went to bed, she cried herself to sleep. He was no where to be seen, the whole day she thought he had gone. (but in an end to that story, the kids all went to sleep at night and he text my daughters phone, who was sleeping at midnight! Then text me asking to put a duvet on the step because he was cold!………… I text him a while later and said the doors open just sleep on the couch.)
So you see Val, I keep getting little reminders of how bad it was. I know especially last summer. The way he was behaving I was setup for a nervous breakdown! Will he change, I don’t think so. I found out the other day some interesting stuff. Looks like Minimum he has £8k on credit cards! That takes his 4.5 month spend to £35K…… So how can someone spend that much in such a short time?
I know a lot of it is on clothes, but he has nothing really to show for it!
See Val, your like me much as it hurts, (my heart keeps telling me that) If I were to go back with him now it would never work. To much water under the bridge! He is no where near the person I married. He is a stranger to me. Its like the man I married has died and I don’t know the guy in his place? Only the guy in his place takes great joy in rubbing my face in it. I live in a relatively small place. Large for the area, but small enough that everyone knows your business. It is embarrassing for me and my kids to see him follow the girl around the shops, and he is so drawn to her. You see her last boyfriend was sucked in and spent heaps of money on her too?
The only way I deal with it now is to cut him clean out of my life. I don’t talk to him anymore He made my life misery for the last at least 14 years, I used to cry myself to sleep, id hardly ever get a cuddle, he would hardly ever show me affection. He would come to bed and turn the other way? Weeks of ignoring me, if I had said the wrong thing? Latterly if I looked the wrong way?
So that’s where I know I have to get my head together and move on, no matter how much it hurts.
I know once I am in my new house I can start afresh. Its scary though!
See, he can move on without a second thought, that’s where I have got to tell myself he never loved me, if he did then he would have tried to sort it out. Not jumped into bed with the first girl that spoke to him!
This week has been up and down, it hurts when you rush about to school, after school clubs/ sports clubs, you get to the weekend and he takes the kids out bowling / cinema, I cant afford the luxury of taking them there very often, but he takes then once a month now, and buys them heaps. He does not get the quarrels/fighting. I do and my money goes on providing a roof over their head and food on the table!
So he gets his freedom to do as he wants when he wants an I don’t. When he was here he always got his freedom if I asked him to help, I got “you get a job that pays as much as mine!”
So you see Val, I seen from the diary just how sad my life was and If I went back it would be the same. I could go back and another 7 years down the line he could go off with someone else! Then where would I be?
I have to convince the rational side of me this is for the best and one day I will see this as a lucky escape.
Its just getting through this time of turmoil.
If my ex got his way, he would call me for advice all the time and expect my support. But why should I give it to him? He never bought me designer clothes a horse or took me away for weekends yet he did for her from the day he started seeing her!
So Val, ive had to cut the tie!
But you stay strong and don’t let your husband get you down, you’re a strong special girl, and you will get through this. Stand tall and be proud of who you are. Remember he actually needs you more than you need him!(even though it dos not feel like that the way they act)
Don’t get me wrong , I still cry over it, little things set me off.
You take care and stay strong, you will get there, just don’t let your husband play mind games with you .
xxx

[val100]

sadagain,
thanks for all you said. I am in a good place at the moment but yesterday i got upset and it isn't passsing.
Firstly H an I are getting on really well I have decided that if this is all there is than I am content with that. It has been a year since he has been anyway kind to me so here we are with a very delicate friendship or resprctful relationship forming. I am reading nothing into it nor am I hoping for anything more.

I maybe going on a date tonight, it might not happen I sit and wait for the phone call although he did text me late last night. He is an old school friend, I will go with the intention of remaining friends to early to get involved but as he said we always got on (dated for a bit when I was 17) so we should at least go out and catch up.

The man I had the affair with has found me on this forum so I have decided that it is best if I don't post anymore, although today I feel like I shouldn't let him snooping and reading my story stop me. I was very upset when I found out and scared by it how did he find me. He says it was a mistake but I find that hard to believe. I haven't told anybody that I am posting. I wonder if he goggled me or was actually on her looking for help and put 2 and 2 together. I am upset it feels like a violation. I have done everything I can to stop contact and he still finds me. I rang him last night and was really cross but the truth is I just felt so vulnerable and exposed.

I hope you are ok, I think of you often and I know this isn't easy for you either. you are doing fantastically well you know this I hope. Lets get that bottle of wine open sometime soon.

I am thinking I might take a trip to london in May. Could you manage that trip or will you be in the middle of your house move.

Talk soon

[sadagain]

Hi Val
Im glad your feeling better. Its good you and your husband are getting on. I know it really hurts when you get on but you cannot be “close”. You want to be near them but you cant.
The Guy you married has gone and in their place is a total stranger! (if that makes sense)
The guy that found you on the forum, don’t worry about him. Maybe he is looking for advice aswell. But he will realise that you have been through a lot and where you are is not the place you wanted to be, and Val we all make mistakes in life. What you did was go out in search of something, to feel wanted. When you realised it was not what you wanted and it was wrong, you admitted it. What your husband has put you through since is pure torture. He had a longer fling with someone younger. He has hurt you in ways that has far crossed boundaries. Val, it is his loss, YOU are the one keeping your Kids as a family, You are the one being the support for them.

Your worth so much more. I know it hurts, but you will come out of this so much stronger. You know my Doctor ( who deals with people like us on a daily basis) said, “I’ve seen this happen many a time, they leave they get girlfriends, have flings enjoy the single life, 2 years later (usually minimum) they realise the flings don’t amount to anything, they realise what they had was far superior. Only by that time the wives (you and I) will be much stronger and have moved on and don’t want them back and their kids don’t want to know.

I wont be able to make London, I will be moving then. Im really busy at work and with my studies. My ex only takes the kids for a couple of hours once a month, (then only 2 of my kids will go, the other one does not like her Dad). So I literally get no time on my own. Its always been like that, that’s why he left, he did not want to help and his job was more important than mine, so I very rarely asked. (liked the quiet life).
Saying that I have never been to London? Drove round on the M25 to get to Dover J

My week has been a roller coaster, Mon to Wed felt really weepy and down, daughters were fighting for no reason. Yesterday and today, feel so much better, its his loss. He can have his young GF, I’ve got the kids, yes I feel lonely at times, but there’s nothing in this world that makes me feel happier than the love of my kids and their happiness J . Thing is have to stop trying to look at things through Rose tinted glasses, in reality life for me was sad and lonely. Rarely would he make an effort for me. I know I could not go back to that.. He had me on the point of a nervous breakdown last year, made me think I was imagining things and losing my mind!

So Val, I hope you meeting with that Lad went ok, look after yourself, become that strong confident woman you were. Don’t let your Ex drag you down, Be strong, be confident, Show him you can get on ok on your own two feet. When he is ready he might come back, but by that time you will be a much stronger person.

Val, tonight I spoke to a lovely Lady in our Local supermarket. She was about 58. She was married to a verbally abusive husband. She stuck it out for a long time. When I went through the till, she told me she met someone else, but now her kids don’t talk to her at all now.
She says she wishes she had got out sooner, a lot of her life has been sad and lonely. But with this new guy she feels loved and wanted, better than her husband ever made her feel. Just her kids don’t speak t her as they think its her fault that the Dad is on his own.

So Val, keep your chin up, keep being strong, Spring is here now, so the days are longer, better for getting out and about. Plus hopefully we will get a lovely hot summer!

Take good care of yourself
xxx

[val100]

Hi sadagain,
Thanks, have had a lovely week with new man. We have only had two dates but have spoken so much over the last week.

Already i am shocked at how well someone can treat me. I can already say (even though I have known him 20 years) He will never ever abuse me verbally, mentally or physically.
He is so laid back.
I walked into my sitting room and found him petting the cat, I find how people treat animals is usually a good sign.

I am not rushing into it as I know I need time to heal and also really get to know him. He did stay over and we behaved very appropriately but in the night (thinking I was asleep) he leaned over me and checked to make sure I had enough room. Might sound stupid but I haven't seen such kindness in years.

My H wasn't a complete bastard and he did do nice things for me but he never considered the small things that we all need, the things I used to do for him.

I haven't a clue where this will go, none of us are perfect. But It felt great to fall asleep in someones arms and to wake up holding hands.

I realised a couple of weeks ago that my H can't make us work because I remind him of what he is capable of. My son asked where my Julius Pjs were (julius is a monkey and the kids bought me really cool pjs with him on them, they loved me wearing them). I just sat and sobbed and remembered. My H sexually assualted me after he found out I had an affair, I was wearing those pjs, I washed them and threw them away. I had forgotten about the pjs until my son asked. I realised it is best I stay away, I will morn him for a long time but as you said and i totally agree my H, that beautiful man in the photo on my desk died last January.

I am so content for the first time in months. My sister and I have grown so close and to be honest it has filled my life and maybe that is why I was able to start this new relationship, I had that void filled with a totally fantastic and flawless love that only sisters can have.

i read what you write and i sense huge sadness in you, maybe you are just tired but I don't hear that positive strong lady in your posts anymore.
Please talk if you need too.
You are in my thoughts.

[sadagain]

Hi Val
Im so pleased for you, see its nice to feel loved and wanted. If this Lad makes you feel like that then enjoy every minute of it. You deserve it you have been through so much.
I do feel a wee bit sad, you sensed that in my email. My new house is ready in about 6 weeks. I feel a bit worried. Partly because the house is not in the area I wanted. Don’t get me wrong, its located in a very nice area, but I went for it as it is he right size!
It will be ok though, once we are moved it will be a fresh start. At the moment its like we are stuck in limbo.
I wish all this would go away, but if I go down the street or the local supermarket, they are there. So its in my face 24/7.
But Val, you take care of yourself and if it works out with this lad, then you have your whole future ahead of you !
Take good care and enjoy J

[val100]

hi there,

the huse thing is scary just for a very shrt time then suddenly it gets eas because this huse has o memeories and it is all yours.
Trust me I know the feeling and the area wil be fine too It is just all new and so very very real.
I hope you have good friends around you that are willing to help you.

I feel you and full of energy when I know I don't have to see my H.
Strangely though that makes me feel sad.

I have no idea what he is up to or who e is with, I actually know nothing about him but everyday I think of him. I do believe that slowly all the love is leaving and he will just be someone who I think fondly of, that scares me.

I guess when I see or hear he is with someone it will all come flooding back.

You are stuck in limbo you poor thing I totally understand that but 6weeks is nothing.

As for my new man, I am not totally sure I should be getting involved so I am taking another step back. He hasn't done anything but he is only a few weeks out of a long term relationship, Not as serious as marriage just a girlfriend they were seeing each other for about 4 years it was a very troubled relationship. He is desperate to settle down and have the family unit etc, I am afraid that I could get sucked in without realising it.
I am lucky because I know that he has huge time for me as we are old friends so at least I am not feeling used or just a rebound (i asked, he was so insulted I won't ask again).

Not sure if he is ready to be with someone elsehe says he is but the last relationship has left a bit of baggage, You know I guess I am just protecting myself hugely.
It will be fine.

Keep talking hun X

[sadagain]

Hi Val

I know what you mean. I'd be scared to going into another relationship. I suppose your more on your guard now, as you need to protect yourself from getting hurt again. Your still very fragile and will be for quite some time to come.

I got my monthly night out last night and the Taxi driver on the way home was telling me that his wife has recently walked out on him and his kids! left him the same way we are feeling! I cannot comprehend how any woman could leave there kids?

But it helped to hear a guy who is in the same boat as us. Do you know though, i wish our exes knew the damage they cause to us and the kids.

So tonight myself and my son were in the Local supermarket. We had just come back from my mams. He ran to the toilet and i waited for him in the papers section. He came running over. Mam, mam... Shes Ugly... shes not pretty at all! he Said Dad and (GF) are over there holding hands and just going to the tills. So when i stopped talking to my son i looked up and here is my ex staring at us from half way down the store. My son kept talking about it, how not nice she was and then said. Im never going out with him again. I never want to see him again. He has a sports tournament coming up (not that his dad ever came to them anyway) but he does not want his dad anywhere near. So thats him now lost two kids and the other one is starting to see him in a different light and is starting to see through him.

We also found she has a Bebo page and has some 21year old guy as her other half! Strange.... (especially the bit he says he used to work with her and now sleeps with her!) he was actully a nice looking lad, better looking than my ex.

Anyway, my head is so confused, i am so tired, i dont sleep well at the moment. Have not done since he left to be honest. I would not take him back. But i think its scared of the unknown in the future. I know that i will have to budget really good from here on in. Its been four weeks now since i spoke to him, that was a brief one word at his mams funeral. He dropped easter eggs of for the kids last sunday,(after my daughter text him to reminding him) literaly spoke to the kids for 2mins Max, whilst sitting in his car with the engine running and then drove off.

Thats the bit i dont get. He does not bother whether he sees them or not. He just wants to spend any spare time with his GF and the kids get next to nothing. Why would any Dad be like that to his kids?

So i do have mixed feelings. I keep thinking i should not have stood up for myself last year when this all blew up. Then he would still be at home. Then the kids remind me how bad he was to me and them. Also i keep telling myself that for him to get involved that quick, he could never really have loved me in the first place! Yes its head minceing. Thats probably why i dont sleep well at all.

Mind you, i dont cry so much now... Thats Good! i do get times for no apparent reason i start to cry... then feel really down and then im angry with myself, for feeling that way!

But Val look after yourself and its right to step back (slightly though) and protect yourself from being hurt. The guy sounds nice and he seems good to you. But you have to be strong and protect your emotions. (but its nice to feel wanted).Any guy that is a good one will give you time to heal.

Take care

X

[val100]

Hi sadagain

I am worried about you. you haven't had a moment to heal have you?
What an idiot he is and I am so sorry that you have to see him with her and that your kids see it too and that they get nothing from him.

The fear of the unknown is awful, before now we had the security of our marriages and our homes and suddenly we are free falling. When you move things will start to fall into place I promise. It is scarry though but I just tell myself that others manage and so will I.

You know that this relationship with H and GF won't last and that you are going to have to be very strong because he will come knocking on your door.

Because I had the affair My H has the stick to beat me with yet sadly he is beating himself with it as well. I see him and know that he just can't face what he has done to me and that my affair came out of my desperation, he knows he has to acknowledge so much and (I genuinely feel sorry for him) the poor guy just can't go there.

Last night my sister and I called to a friends we had a bottle of wine (the effects I am still feeling) when I got home it took every ounce of will power not to ring him and say, I Miss You.

I don't feel I will ever love again does that make sense? It feels like my heart just won't unlock.
Now don't get me wrong I am not trying to fall in love I just can't explain how or what it feels like.

The new man seems to have gone quiet not sure why, that should bug me and I should be feeling something other than curious, he kissed me goodbye on wednesday and said he would ring, heard nothing on Friday we passed each other on the road and he gave me a big wave and still nothing.
I know he has a serious amount of stuff in his head to deal with at the moment and maybe he is just trying to work through that. We discussed it on Tuesday night and I suggested he stop seeing me until he had worked out a few things. He flatly refused that suggestion and asked me if we could support each other and take this slowly and date, go for dinners, away for weekends etc, and then bump!!!! nothing.
You see part of me wants to get angry with him and give out and make him realise I won't be treated like this but I just don't seem to care. Now don't get me wrong I am very fond of him and he is a good guy and I do care about how well I am treated.
I just can't let him in enough for me to find this silence anything other than mysterious and a tad anoying
I don't know am I making sense here.

It has been a year of bad abuse and hurt from H (and for him too)
I honestly don't want that back in my life, I know I love H but honestly I never want to be treated that way again by him, I miss the good stuff but reality is the bad stuff was killing me.
I don't believe all men are like that and I do hope to meet someone and share my life with them, I just don't seem to have that softness in me that I used to have.

Maybe you understand or maybe the effects of the wine are really playing havoc with my brain.

Don't get me wrong I am not worried or upset about this just shocked that the damage is so deep.
I hope you are ok and isn't it great that your son thins she is dog ugly go on admit it you were just a tiny bit thrilled.

Sorry for rambling

[sadagain]

Hi Val
Hows this week gone for you? Did he call you?
I know how you feel, you want to move on but this little thing in the back of your head says its wrong and your you feel like your betraying your H. Why oh Why do they have such an emotional hold?
If that guy did not get back in contact than more fool him, you are a lovely devoted lassie, your H is the one that’s losing out. You see life is so simple. You get married you have kids. Your priority is seeing your kids grow up and become self sufficient with the love and help from Mam and Dad. Only now YOU have to be the person to help them get to that point.
Your H must have neglected you for you to see someone else.
My ex did, sleeping on the couch most nights, hardly coming to bed till 5 in the morning, drinking?. All I ever wanted was love and affection, to be as one! Not to be neglected and feel alone..
I go for nights out, I sit there thinking “this is not me” I don’t want to be in pubs and clubs! I want the quiet relaxing life, going out for dinner, having Wine nights! His GF has a Bebo site….. No mention of Him just her other half who is a 21 year old good looking lad, nothing like my ex! My ex has being seeing her for near 6 months…. He he J that means she obviously is not so commited as he is Hmmmmm….
I did this free question to Vedicforecast.com and for me it says no reconciliation in the near future, my career will get better. I will do lots of travel J Never travelled before, have the chance of the Caribbean through work though J ..
Ok Val so this night after his Mams Funeral, sadness got the better of me Hmmmm..
I asked the question….. Who am I better with my GF or my wife I left 5 months ago? (from my Ex’s full profile)
Heres the answer…..
Your life is full of discord at the moment and has been that way since early 2007. Your chart indicates disputes and quarrels will continue till Nov 2008. Whatever relationship you are in the present moment will break up after Nov 2008 and you will change your house or place of residence. From your chart your first relationship has a better chance of working out than your second one or even the third one for that matter. I would recommend that you go back to your wife. Your life will dramatically improve after 2011.
OK so little consolation, he’s still sleeping with the 20 year old, but I know its not my fault, I did everything I could to make it work! He just wanted out… His choice.. I have to accept that… Hard as it is. I still cry Val, did tonight with my son, He is never going to have that Dad, Son relationship as his dad sees him only once a month.
Only its his dads loss, 2 of my kids want nothing to do with him and the other knows he does not bother with them but wants to cling on to all hope!
Ok Val, Friday night on the tattie Wine (Aka Vodka) Nice J . Tonight is the turning point!
I am sick of trying to make things better when he does not care, Onwards and upwards!` I so hope so….. Life is far to short to dwell over numptys! (keep convincing me).
I am the only one to give my kids a future, he only has his and his GF future in mind. Ive invested my money in a house and he has squandered his GF. (37k) Hmmmm yep feel that on that point my kids come first.
Val, I so hope this Lad has got back to you, I hope he respects you and understands your venerability.
I am not read to see other guys yet, I would like to but my kids are certainly not ready!
Val, your posts keep me strong, you have been through so much, I hope you can find true happiness.
I genuinely hope your ex realises what a twit he is before he loses a lovely wife and loving kinds!
Val, stay strong, shoulders back, be confident. (you are the one keeping the family together)
I know what you are going through, you want to move on but you find it hard to.
Stay strong Val, you and your kids come first
xxx

[val100]

Her there,
Everything you said about onwards and upwards. that was me a few months ago I just woke up saying I am not going to let this rule my life.
Last night a friend rang me she was kinda worried, she said in 3 months I have seen you looking like death to looking fantastic, to crying when his name is mentioned to not talking about him at all or that when I do it is like talking about someone I went to college with a million years ago. She said are you looking after yourself or are you throwing yourself into looking after others?
I said that iwas 100% looking after me I have just let go.
Sadagain it took so much hard work to do that. I still have the odd cry and I have the odd night where it takes me all I have not to ring him and just say I miss you.
Truth is I am done, I love him, I miss him but right now Today I do not want him back. I dropped the kids to him yesterday and I felt sickened by the house I know I could never live there again and I don'rt believe he will ever forgive me enough to let it go.
He isn't what I want anymore. Yes of course there is a pull towards him but I love myself enough to say NO for now anyway.
I think this has happened because I think he is changing his mind way too much detail to go into but he is trying to slowly claw me back by the looks of things my sister agrees.

As for new man yes we spoke. Actually (long story) I had to contact him I just left a brief message he rang back and we talked. He apologised and said his head is a mess he wants to move on (broken up with his GF 4 of 4yrs) but he just can't of course I understand that so I have backed off completely. He rang me thursday night though and I went over to his house (wow) spent a few hours with him and he dropped me home. He apologised again and said that he just needs to work this out but that he does want us to see each other.
I am confused and possibly a litttle impatient but I totally understand where he is coming from.
I have to be honest I really like him and I can feel my guard weakening which then fills me with fear.
Bloody hell sadagain when does this stop being complicated?
Anyway I best go as I think work are pee'd with me my internet access has been denied on my computer. Sods.
Look I hope you are ok. Your H knows he has made a mistake but it is easier to stick this out rather than to ask you to take him back. Would you????

I want life to be as good as it can be for you, you really deserve it.
Thanks for your support too you are a strong fanatstic woman.

[sadagain]

Hi Val
Hope you had a better week!
I know what you are saying and agree with everything you said. It is hard to.let go I don’t know if it is to let go so much as comprehend? I cant get why my Ex cried and went on I was the only one he ever loved and the first girl that shows him attention hes off! Proves he didn’t love me like he made on the did. But then he is not good to the kids either. I have wondered for a long time, did he really want the kids? He was not that nice when they were born and was not the kind that would spend hours with them… or do things with them. And now its once a month if they are lucky. Hmmmm His loss you know!
So why do I get myself so down? that’s the bit I don’t get? Sad reality is, h didn’t want it to work and now has the life he really wants!
His sports car is up for sale, Heres me thinking, Ahhh good hes realised how deep in debt he will become. Only to find out from a mate. The GF does not like the car so he is going to buy the newer model! More fool him…
So I got the notice to say my new house will be ready in 4 weeks! The kids and I are looking forward to it, they to see it as a new start. They helped choose the kitchen, floorings and the bathrooms J .
I hope this gives me the strength I need to move on and get on with it.
This lad your seeing, don’t worry about being impatient, I don’t even think its that, you will be more sensitive and aware to people now and you will pick up on the way they behave more emotionally than normal. What I mean to say is, the loss and rejection you have gone through with your H, is making you more sensitive to peoples behaviour close to you. You fear the rejection and sadness part of it. Ok that probably did not make sense but I know what I meant, (Late Friday night so im shattered and cant put words to meanings so easily… Brains stopped working J .)
I bet he will try and worm his way back in with you, but make sure he does not do it in a way that gets you hurt again. You seem to be getting on good, and you don’t want to relapse back, to when you were at your worst.
How long ago is it since you split with your ex?
Take good care of your self and remember you have to do whats right for YOU, don’t get yourself hurt again, not when you are starting to get your life on track. If he does come back, YOU have to decide whats best for YOU.
Its funny though, we just pick up the pieces and get on with is. They on the other hand cant deal with being on their own and have to get someone.
Your doing good Val, keep strong and look after youself
xxx

[val100]

New man gone, he got his marching orders. I have no idea what he is playing at and he is playing. Such a great guy but he is doing what all the men in his family do. sometimes I guess it is nature not nurture.

I was frustrated by it but not upset. I won't be treated any other way other than with 100% respect. I know he will wait to see me to sort it out but honestly I am not willing to take chances with people who keep making the same mistake.
I am being pursued by a 24 year old at the moment. Maybe we should take a leaf out of our husbands books ?

My H was on the phone last tuesday, I don't know what to do with him. I am honestly done with our marriage he seems to be trying to fix it.

You are in a tough place because your new life is looming and you have to finally say goodbye to your old one.
Honestly moving house will be the best thing you can do. In 2 months you will be here happy and content.
Your kids will hold you in such high esteem, you are a great mum, isn't it sad when our kids see their dads aren't the Hero's they believed them to be.
Take care, Me I am content and enjoying life and fascinated at all the attention. 24, does he have to go to bed early and do I have to cut up his dinner for him.
i believe it is very in vogue to be seperated and have a boy on your arm. If he asked me to go to bed with him I would probably find myself tucking him in and reading him a bed time story.

Head up shoulders back, you are fantastic and only when you start believing it will you see everyone else cheering you on.

[sadagain]

Hi Val
24! What a young Lad, I know what you mean about tucking him in!

My wee brothers mate is 27 and he told my brother he liked me, (my brother told him no!) but even then I felt soooo young! Any how, im not thinking about that at the moment. I don’t need any more confusion in my life!

It was my daughters birthday the other day and my Ex gives her money, more than the other 2 got, and even called her on her birthday (never did that with the other 2), that really upset the other 2. So I called my father in law and asked him to speak to ex and tell him to be more consistent!
He did!. So yesterday morning I got a text, I ignored it, he was just telling me he’s getting my maintenance Standing order sorted at the bank, then at 7pm a message on my answer phone, can he see the kids tomorrow? Then at night the texts started, how he needs to see more of the kids (like Hello what have I been saying?) he told me he sold his car and does not have it anymore (I don’t want to know, nothing to do with me now) he going to be looking at buying a house this weekend? So he can have the kids over to stay (he doesn’t let them near his flat, so what’s the difference). All this after 6-7 weeks of silence!
You see Val, ive heard it all before, false promises, Lies, playing one kid of against the others! So I might sound heartless but I don’t want my kids hurt anymore. Two of them are failing tests at school as I know its deeply upsetting for them.
Any way, It ended up I got the “you kicked me out” which ive told him till im blue in the face I never, I just wanted a happy family for the kids to have nice memories and to feel loved, trusted and wanted!
But, I enlightened him to the fact, he has shown his true colours now and im glad its now and not 15 more years down the line! And ended it with “ you have your new life you should be happy and enjoying it”
But why does he want to start texting , it does my head in, he has no reason to contact me, the kids have phones he can contact them on!
Anyway I must have hacked him off after the last reply I sent him he did not respond!
Is he realising what he has done, I don’t know. He shows no remorse its still everyone else’s fault, never his…..
But 3 weeks till my move, im supposed to be packing up at the moment L need to get motivated.
Well also tonight I went to shop with my middle daughter and we bumped into him…. I would have quite happily carried on walking, but he started to speak about a house he is looking at, one about 7 miles out of town and the other 35 miles away where we used to live? In a way it will be a huge relief if he does go, but then I feel sad that it has all come to this, but I know there is no going back, there cant be L …………
Talk about head mincing!
Must go, you sound like you are getting so much stronger, take good care and let me know how you get on!
Tell you though, it’s a hard hill to get to the top off, one day hopefully we both willJ
Take care
xxx

[val100]

Hi there,
the 24 yr old is still txting so we will see.
It is a pattern with yours and mine. They seem to be doing the same thing. It is my wedding anniversary tomorrow, so this month he has been really sad, really kind and really abusive, I never know which but he is not handling his stuff.

I have had texts and phone calls part of me thinks he wants to rebuild us but I don't. I miss him less and less yet I hate the thought of him with someone else, It really twists my stomach.
He rang me to apologise for a public outburst of abuse a couple of weekends ago, We fought at first and then he broke down, he told me he hates his life he doesn't want it to be like this but he knows we are over etc. Following week more abuse and the same bloody apology.

He like yours can only blame me and don't get me wrong the affair was the worst thing I ever did but he misses out on how he treated me. Sometimes he says he understands but when he is angry it is all my doing. I get so angry I tried to fix it he was the one who told me to leave that he didn't care, he told me he didn't care that another man would be raising his kids.he told me he loved her.
I just don't understand him at all like you don't understand yours
When and how does this end?

I am happy (very hungover but happy), I am a lot stronger and I am getting on with my life but something in the back of my head says it is way to soon to be doing this ok.

Get packing lady, it will be a tough time very emotional but I promise so very worth it.

[sadagain]

Hi Val

How did you get through the anniversary? I now it cant have been easy.
It minces your head when they send conflicting signals.

Very flattering that young lad, bet he makes you fee youn again!

My weeken has been such a rollercoaster. After bunping into him the other day. My daughter said to me, dads sad mam i think he knows he made a mistake? Mam i dont think he is still with her?

But he will be. He goes through phases he wants to see the kids, than he takes them out once and they dont hear sight nor sound again till another 5 weeks!

So i was packing on Sunday and broke down, i could not stop crying the whole day. Today as well. I am trying to move on, but i have so many unanswered questions. I know i will never understand why. But its the fear of never meeting anyone else. I Spent in total 16 years sometimes more often than not putting up with some Cr*p. and i come off the worst?

He squandered all the money i gave him and he gets more from his poor Mam, its like why does he land on his feet all the time? Hes totally messed up the kids and me this last while and he has not a worry in the world....
But im so tired now, i have to pack and clean move house study and sit 2 exams and keep down a full time job, keep the kids in their out of school clubs and do all the other mam stuff..... Oh I, and the car needs new brakes all round , mot next month, tyres yesterday, and the online sites wont accept my new address of postcade... its not registered! So i cant order all the stuff i need for it? I cant sleep properly, i lie awake at night worrying about what i have to do...............

Ok its so unfair :-(

Ok ive had my rant! sorry it just gets to me.

My kids, bless them, really look after me when i get down, that hurts also, they are so kind and good loving kids and he cant see that? Hes such a Pig.

I hope your weekend went better! and i hope you have a nice week!

I know what you mean when you say because of that one thing, your Husband is throwing away probably the best thing he will ever have. Hes missing out on the best thing in the world, being a family and enjoying your kids together.

Mine blames me for kicking him out? He fails to accept the way he was to me!

Must go and get some study done

Take care

xxx

[troxman]

Sadagain,

Wow that guy sounds like a real heartless peace a work. Sounds to me like he doesnt come close to deserving you. You have it pretty damn rough, stay strong keep your head up and find someone to make new memories with, you can do it!! Im sure it sucks and its hard but try not to waste any more tears on that fool!!!!

Best of luck

[val100]

Oh lady friend,
The exhaustion is the worst. Is there anyway you can defer the exams, scrape together some cash and pay packers to pack your things, you just do the clothes and personal items.
Honey ask friends for help. Get other mothers to help with the picking and dropping at kids clubs. Swallow your pride and ask H for help.

My anniversary was ok but my H and i talked. I don't understand any of it.
It is too late for me but he is heartbroken, so are the kids. Right now he needs me but the anger will resurface and I get hurt. I do still love him but I don't want to be his wife but then again maybe I should be. Oh **** why can it not be simple.

The boy is lovely, but am I being fair? He is so attentive and funny and a rogue but he is young should i just pat him on the back and send him on his way or should I take what I can from it and enjoy myself. someone will get hurt and it won't be me!!!

You won't be on your own. Trust me once you get all this crap out of your way life will take off for you. i know this because that is how it was for me. The minute I stopped being frightened of the loneliness, The minute I accepted Imay be on my own forever my dance card was filled everytime I went out.
You can't go looking for love it finds you but only when you start to love yourself.
Get some rest, ask for help and slow down a bit.
Much love

[sadagain]

Troxman

You so made me smile :-)

Ive been feeling so down these last few days and your reply cheered me up.

I have a huge Guilt problem, still thinking i should have tried harder. ( i know deep down im better out of it, but i do fear being on my own when the kids leave home!)

But i realise what he is like by the way he treats our kids. They are the innocent ones in all this.

But thats where i have to get stronger! i have three brilliant kids, who are so kind and loving to me, and really look out for me, so i got the gold.

My only hope is his girlfriend gets to see the same side to him,then at least i will know it really was not my fault!

thanks again, you really did bring a smile to me!

[sadagain]

Hi Val

My mam lives 60 miles away so i cant ask her, my ex will not help with the kids, (He cant he has a job to do! and he needs his money!)

I just have to get on with it!

The house builders have now gone and put my house back 3 weeks so its not till the end of may i move, (just so they could got out of paying the bridging they promised!) That really upset me :-(. Myself and the kids have been packing ready to go!

So does this mean your husband is regretting it now? He is hinting of wanting back?
Boy your head must be minced!

Mind you if you are at the point of being quite ok on your own then thats good. But i know you will have that niggling thought in the back of your head!

Tonight i feel a bit better, at the wekend i felt so down. Its much better if i dont see my ex at all. So if he texts again i will delete it. Im actually thinking of getting my mobile number changed then he cant do that anymore!

Anyway u take care and have a nice week

xxx

[troxman]

Sadagain,

The minute he made a concious decision to f@#$ another woman and treat your kids as #4(himself, the new chick, work, and finally the kids) he made what should be your decision (to move on) crystal clear. At least as far as my morals go, my wife does the deed with another man and treats my kids like crap on top of that......sickning....."thats all she wrote." Your still young, cut ties with this jerk and find love again!!! Im sure your kids would love to see you happy again as well because as much as you try to hide your feelings, they still rub off on the nearest human/human's/s#!t even your dogs for that matter. I know it seems impossible but immagine being able to change your username to lovedone or something, wouldnt that be cool!!! You seem like a good woman find a good man that can take the idiots place!! Just a thought, after all ive got my share of issues too but atleast ive got some kinda clue unlike this guy!!

Good luck you can do this,

Trox

[val100]

Ah trox if it were only that simple.

Sadagain
yes H this week regrets it all got an email saying how much he loved me how he realises he let me down so many times how he forgives me. how he has lost everything by being such an idiot. It goes on thing is that is this week next week I will be that whore etc.

we told each other that we still did love each other. He is protecting himself as he knows I am really happy and he can't risk being hurt.
My head was a mess for 24 hrs and then I did what I always do I organised my thoughts.
1. He hasn't asked me so I have no cause to worry about it.
2 If he needs me to help him heal he must ask until then I mustn't worry about it.
3. I really am so bloody happy and so free. I have no guilt towards doing something for myself, don't get me wrong he never stood in my way but you know you have to be so selfless in a marriage. I am happy to look after me.
4. I feel the world is at my feet I have every opportunity to make the biggest success out of my life, I have nothing to hold ME back.
5. New relationships, I can control how I want them to work I owe nothing to any man that comes into my life other than showing them respect and kindness and they have no right to change me.
6. I am going to enjoy this dalliance with the 24 yr old for all that it is worth he brings so much laughter into my life. He past test no.2 so he is doing very well.
7. I am going to be my H's friend because he needs that and I do still love him.

I completely understand yor guilt when you say you wished you had tried harder. Me too pet I wish I had just accepted my lot for my kids sake.
The stronger I get the worse my kids get I thought that they would thrive on my happiness and strength, instead as I get stronger they see me nailing the lid down on my marriage.

My guilt says book that residential marriage course and heal this for them but I must give up this amazing new life this place where I feel like Me for the first time in 15 years.

once the move is over you will find your strength I promise it happened for me
Much love

[sadagain]

Hi Val
Hope your ok. Sorry I haven’t posted for a while, I moved house J and its taken me 2 months to get my phone line and broadband set up!……. Thanks to really frustrating telecom company! So I’ve been unable to access the internet……

How are things with you?
Has there been any change with your husband?

You were right, the move was what I needed. The house is lovely, and its all mine and the kids.
Went out and bought a new bed! So got rid of any trace of him J

Moving! My father in law was great, he helped me and the kids. He got a van and we moved it all ourselves.
Up till the early hrs of the morning, then up at 6 fitting mirrors and blinds.
Now the builders left a bottle of champagne…. So the night after we moved… I drank it! All by my self J
Boy did my head hurt in the morning!

My daughter who is 15, for the last few years would always sleep with the light on. We moved and she leaves it off now. So I mentioned it after a few weeks and she said “Mam this feels like a home now, I feel safe here”. I did not realise how much things had affected her. She will not see her Dad at all and refuses to want anything to do with him
My son like my daughter, will not go to see his Dad. I’ve never stopped the kids going to see him and would never, But my son says “Mam its not your fault, I don’t want anything to do with Dad ever again. He’s made his choice”. I feel so sorry for him, he wanted a Dad that would spend time with him.
My other Daughter does go to see him. 2 weeks ago he took her out for a couple of hours. First time in 7 weeks! In total this year he’s taken her out 4 times each for a few hrs! Now bare in mind he only lives about 2 miles from us! That’s why the other two want nothing to do with him, they can see through him.
If he passes the kids in the street he wont wave or say hello to them he just ignores them when they are out!

His GF had her 21st Bday, he’d seemingly organised something special for her! He didn’t contact his kids on their birthdays… not a simple phone call!. My daughter that speaks to him actually had to phone him on her birthday .

There is a lot of tension when my daughter does see her dad, she comes back with bags of stuff that he has bought her. He never sends anything for the other two. This is precisely what caused them to drift away from him in the first place. He was always giving to one and not the others.
That aside, we are doing much more as a family. And we are like a little team now.

So Val you were so right, the move is what we needed.
I felt the change almost instantly. I don’t think about him that much any more. When I do its only anger and bemusement at the way he is treating the kids.

Another thing though, he was communicating with this girl for quite a few months before he left. So when he was crying , threatening suicide and saying he couldn’t live without us on one side, but refusing to try and communicate and make things work on the other, he was all the time seeing her!

What a pig! Funny though, before he left, my auntie had told me a story about a guy that had done the same thing.

Ha ha! what a mug I’ve been all these years, and here was me feeling guilty!

My doctors lovely, she keeps saying, he will end up the unhappy one.

Anyway, hope your ok Val,

Take care

Sadagain J

[val100]

Hi there,

So thrilled to hear from you.
I am so so glad the move went well, isn't it amazing how much brighter literally things look when you move. It seems like the sun just shines that bit brighter and I bet you feel lighter and more energetic.
You ex is an absolute pig! there I have said it. You are an adult and you can protect yourself but your children came into his life with an expectation that we as parents are meant to guarantee, unconditional love.
When you are on your feet abit more I would advise you to get a small bit of counselling for your kids as this is something they will carry with them sadly.

My life is absolutely upside down.
I can't even go into it it is so all over the place. In summary H and I are giving it one more go.
I can't say whether I am happy or sad about it. I am scared as is he. I really can't say anymore, I feel like I have been emotionally retarded by this situation.
I still live in the country and I just take as many deep breaths as possible.
My kids want their dad, he is a great dad to them.
Honestly that is as much as I can write.
I am so proud of you, you are a strong amazing woman, well done, please keep in touch

[sadagain]

Hi Val
Great to hear from you!
I’ve been wondering for ages how you are getting on.

I can understand how you are feeling, a mixture of emotions between your head and your heart. I know its not easy for you. You are trying to do the right thing for your kids, please just keep yourself safe.
You will be a better judge now of how things are. You’ve been here before and you will be stronger now.

Make sure you can get time for yourself so you can catch up with your feelings. Sometimes we don’t get time to deal with our emotions and end up on a continuous cycle not being able to stop and think.

Its normal to have fear, especially with things that have gone on in the past. I genuinely hope your H has changed and he is remorseful for the way he has treated you in the past. I hope also he now gives you the respect you deserve.

Mine has never looked back, he’s off to a wedding with his GF this weekend. He’s been with her near 9 months now! Everyone said it wouldn’t last, but it has.

I went to my sons leaving assembly at school the other day, and I asked if he wanted his Dad there. He said, “no Mam he’s not part of my life anymore. I want nothing to do with him and its not your fault Mam”

It upsets me he wont see the kids, but i spoke to a girl i used to live near the other day. She said, "your so better rid of him, cant you see if he dosent see the kids then he is not worth it!" She is so right.

Val you were right in your last post, he is a PIG and an arrogant sh*t of a one at that! I 100% agree.

You see I wouldn’t swap what I have for the life he has. I love my kids dearly and could never imagine being away from them.

Val, I’ll give you a laugh, there’s a nice looking young lad (25) that’s doing building work at my work. Every day he passes and smiles. Only I haven’t seen him this week….. Until today! He’s now building at my sons out of school club! How’s that for a stroke of luck! don’t get me wrong he’s to young…. But boy id like to see him with a tin of Diet Coke J

You take care, and I’m thinking of you and sending a virtual hug!
Don’t get yourself down, its natural to be apprehensive, But this could be a whole new start. Sometimes people can move on and become stronger as a couple.
You know the warning signs, don’t let him hurt you like he did before. You’re a much stronger person now. (even though you might not think you are).
I truly hope everything works out for you. You deserve to be happy.
Take care and stay in touch
x

[val100]

Hey lady ask no questions and I will tell you no lies.

25 year olds are not that young anymore. They have a desire to please.

Buy the diet coke and see what happens wink wink nudge nudge.

Yeap I am a very different person so I am very aware of the dangers also I am well able to protect and raise my family so actually I know no matter what happens I will be ok.
If I had no contact with my H I would have been able to let go but 5 days was as long as we went without talking. We are both as bad as each other.
In one sense you are lucky to have no contact it is just so hard to see your kids hurt.

You impress me beyond words

You are fantastic and your children see this what a powerful role model you are.
AS for your Ex trust me he is looking back.

Talk later

[sadagain]

Hi Val,
How’s this week going?
I’ve got a weeks holiday and its pouring rain and cold! Some summer this will be L
My Oldest daughter my son and I are gong to a weekend (camping) music festival! My first one! In August.

My son is not dealing to well with things at the moment. He is so angry towards his Dad. He hates him at the moment. On Saturday unbeknown to me he had text him saying he wanted his name changed. His Dad had text him back saying he should think about it. More texts followed and it ended My ex blaming me for kicking him out! Well that really upset my son as he knows the truth. He had text his dad back saying P*ss off. I don’t let them swear, but he is so hurt. He told me about it at night and showed me the texts. In the process of this, my ex had sent a text to my son which was supposed to go to his GF. Saying he was sorry for showing her the texts from our son and how much he loved her and he valued her support and advice! (he was actually at a wedding with her that day) So it looks like things are not all rosey on their home front.
Either way, its my son I feel sorry for. If his Dad had bothered to take time out to see the kids and treat them like a Dad should do, things would not be this bad. But he has hurt them beyond belief.
Its extremely hard to know how to cope with what’s going on. The kids and I are on an even keel, and are way happier than ever before. Its like we are coming out of a dark tunnel (if that makes sense).
But the anger they feel towards their Dad. Do you know my doctor mentioned this to me when he first left. I said to him please don’t turn your back on the kids, many a time, but he accused me of “going on”.
I just wish I could take the hurt away from them.

Any how, that aside, im busy this week, the kids and I are building a 3m*5m Deck out the back! I got solar lights I got reduced a year ago to sink in! so I can do like a runway….. So when I finished my wine in the back garden I can find my way home! J

Best go now, hope everything is ok with you Val and stay strong, take care x